Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Trying to Get Away from Myself

Here the last week or two I have been a bit melancholy. It's a depression that has me in limbo of almost okay, but then not quite. The blah feeling that waxes and wanes as the day progresses. I highly suspect that it's been induced by the withdraw of  meds I was taking for migraine prevention. As my body struggled to readjust once again I am found myself slowly sinking into a place of apathy, and sadness.

My brain reacts as I feel it should. I start questioning everything. I begin to feel as if something is perhaps missing, and I need to find it. It's a logic puzzle to my brain. "Something is not quite right. Something is wrong!", it says. My brain sounds the alarms.

The ways in which I react are often not useful.

I often begin to search for ways to solve the problem. If there's smoke, there has to be a fire. Right? So, I begin my futile, but busy quest to find out what is the root of this sweeping mood shift. I make mental checklists of items that could be contributing to my feelings of despair, and frustration.

Could it be that I'm not getting enough sleep?
Maybe I'm not eating well enough.
Am I in need of more alone time?
Do I need to get out more?
Stay in more?
Exercise more?
Exercise less?
Do I need to set new goals, so that I am not so restless?
New friends?
Old friends?
Less sugar?
Less caffeine?
Is the answer more time with nature?
More yoga?
Too much technology?

The list is exhausting, and long. I could go on forever, but there's no point, because the answer isn't in my habits. It's in my brain.

As I said earlier, I suspect the reason behind this unstable mood of mine is the medication change. Meaning there is no way out, but through it. But, my brain doesn't want to hear that. It's natural for us to jump to changing things when we're uncomfortable. It's how the physical world works, and how the human race has flourished. We problem solve. When something feels wrong, or off we spring into action to shift this feeling to one that feels better.

Except emotions, and states of  being do not work like that.

We can't always avoid emotional discomfort. The more I try, the more feelings of compulsion take over, such as my obsessive ideas about food and weight.. My brain uses those external forces as ways to control, and problem solve anxiety, and sadness. The discomfort surfaces, and then soon to follow will be external actions, whatever they may be, to try to alleviate the suffering. Intellectually I know this is not going to solve my problems, but it's hard to work through a mess with the same brain that is causing the problem. I feel competent. I feel smart. I feel like I can just get a hold of all this, and it will be fine, until it doesn't work.

Meltdown and repeat.

This is where I have to take any space available when I am calm, and not feeling as upset to remember mindfulness. I have to remember that each moment comes and it goes. This moment may feel full of despair, and seem as if it's lasting an eternity, but it will pass. Another moment will come, and fill my mind with other emotions. Some will be more comfortable than others, but joy will happen. Sorrow will happen. Fear, and anger will happen. All these emotions, and states of being will come, and they will go. My job isn't to control, or even adjust the settings of which I feel these emotions. Being autistic often leads to feeling life so much more extremely than others. We often look like we feel less, but it's not true. It's always been my belief that colors are brighter, and tastes are stronger, and feelings are richer for people on the spectrum. We have little filters. Our senses soak in all of our environments.

To be alive means to experience, and that includes the emotions that aren't always comfortable. To me, the meaning of life, the purpose of it is to experience.

So, I focus on my breath, and remind myself that this is all just an experience. Each moment brings a new one. In gratitude I still am able to feel them all.


  1. SO wise.

    Keep trying!

    It took me many, many years - of meditation and yoga when I was single and childless and now after 15 years as a mother and very, very little practice of yoga and meditation but learning other ways...- to have the space in my neurodiverse mind to REMEMBER to breathe. To REMEMBER to take a moment and be mindful.

    It makes all the difference, right? When we remember...

    Thanks and love,
    Full Spectrum Mama

    1. You're right,it takes practice. We never stop practicing, I think!


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