Soothing My Loneliness

Some people have the same dreams over, and over, sometimes for years. I have never done this. Not once.  I have, however had the same theme repeat, sometimes for quite some time. Lately this repeating theme for me has been dreaming of caring for a baby girl.

Sometimes, having baby dreams means starting a new project, or feeling overwhelmed with responsibility, and many more things. In the dreams that I have been having for the last 6 months or so I have a baby that is a girl, but I often forget her places, or forget to feed her. Not a lot, though in the recent dreams. In the recent dreams I seem more prepared to meet her needs, and am able to keep up with most of her feeding times. She is smiling, and most of the way happy, but not totally. There is an underlying worry of her health in most of the dreams. I worry silently about the health issue, but I never talk about it. She is solely mine, and it seems that no one else is connected to her whatsoever. Unlike other babies no one else ever holds this baby, or cares for her in any way.

Since these dreams keep repeating I am guessing that it's a sticking point for me. Somewhere, I am emotionally, or mentally stuck. From the reading, and experience that I have with dream interpretation I am thinking that the baby in the dream is me. She is part of me, either representing my inner child, or a new part of myself that is largely undiscovered, and is still in the early new stages of development. That's a general interpretation, though. Before this morning I have not been able to quite get a handle on what that means. How do I apply that general theme to life? What does this mean? Until I figure this out self-growth will be stunted, and I doubt that I will stop having these dreams. What was it that I was missing?

There has been this heavy feeling that pulls me into a mood that is hard to define. I think it's loneliness, but it is so much heavier than any generic lonely feelings that I have had before. When it strikes in full it renders me anxious, desperate, and disconnected from others. I feel bitter from the years of rejection. I feel like I have no tools, and no way to fully remedy this situation. I don't know what it is, or where it comes from. it's just here, and I have to deal with it. I feel 'other'. No other way to really explain it. It's as if the rest of the world is on a plane of mutual existence, and I'm on another, disconnected, and alone. I feel alone, and damaged. I really believe that no one really likes me much, and that I'm not really all that good of a person. I want to turn to someone to talk to, but I have no one that understands. Usually during these times I will try to start a conversation with a friend via text, and that won't go much of anywhere, which only serves to reinforce this heavy feeling of people not really liking me, and isolation. The isolation is so big.

 One thing is for certain, these feelings are much too heavy to keep carrying around with me. Sometimes it almost drives me to suicide, because I firmly believe that I will never be free of this feeling long term. I will always be the person that everyone likes from a distance, but never up close. Up close is awkward. It means accepting my quirks. It means knowing that I speak what I think, and understanding that I think in a very different way than others. It means.... well, I don't know.... It's been over a decade since I had best friends to call, and idle chat over dinner. I don't know what it is about me that is off-putting, and it's likely that if I did I would be unable to fix it, anyway How do you fix your personality? I mean, my character is good. I am honest, and a loyal friend, ect... It's my essence that bothers people.

So, what does this have to do with the baby dreams?

I know you might be thinking that I am way off track here, and rambling without an end in sight, but I promise that there is a reason I have rambled on this far.


The reason I bring all this up is that I do think that after 36 years of trying to make this whole friendship thing work, and trying to fill this enormous hole that my family has left when they disowned me has left me realizing that it's all up to me. It's time to accept that while I wish it were different, I am going to have to be okay with being alone. I have a husband, and kids that love me, and that is going to have to be enough. I'm not going to be able to have close friends, and family like other people do. It's not going to happen, and I'd be better off spending my time doing things that bring me joy. Like the baby in my dream it is not quite healthy, or optimal, but I'm better not talking about it, and just doing my best nourishing my inner child as best as I can. In one dream that I had in particular the other night I was going through the mail at my parent's house. When my mother asked me what I was doing I told her that I was looking to see if there was anything left there with my name on it. She was not pleased. She told me that I had to take my baby, and leave. I started gathering my stuff, and remarked, "I don't know why you don't like my baby so much." It wasn't rudely, or emotionally said. More of a general comment. The dream was so real I could still feel the mail in my hands when I woke up.

It's time I face that I'm okay on my own. I don't need anyone to soothe me. It's time I learn to face that I have to soothe myself, because in these desperate moments it's all I have.

Quick disclaimer: It occurred to me that some may take this as a call for reassurance, or pity. Please know that it isn't. I share, because I like to write, and writing helps me to sort my thoughts. That is all. 


Continue to: Soothing My loneliness Pt 2- Autism.. or...?