Saturday, November 28, 2015

Soothing My Loneliness

Some people have the same dreams over, and over, sometimes for years. I have never done this. Not once.  I have, however had the same theme repeat, sometimes for quite some time. Lately this repeating theme for me has been dreaming of caring for a baby girl.

Sometimes, having baby dreams means starting a new project, or feeling overwhelmed with responsibility, and many more things. In the dreams that I have been having for the last 6 months or so I have a baby that is a girl, but I often forget her places, or forget to feed her. Not a lot, though in the recent dreams. In the recent dreams I seem more prepared to meet her needs, and am able to keep up with most of her feeding times. She is smiling, and most of the way happy, but not totally. There is an underlying worry of her health in most of the dreams. I worry silently about the health issue, but I never talk about it. She is solely mine, and it seems that no one else is connected to her whatsoever. Unlike other babies no one else ever holds this baby, or cares for her in any way.

Since these dreams keep repeating I am guessing that it's a sticking point for me. Somewhere, I am emotionally, or mentally stuck. From the reading, and experience that I have with dream interpretation I am thinking that the baby in the dream is me. She is part of me, either representing my inner child, or a new part of myself that is largely undiscovered, and is still in the early new stages of development. That's a general interpretation, though. Before this morning I have not been able to quite get a handle on what that means. How do I apply that general theme to life? What does this mean? Until I figure this out self-growth will be stunted, and I doubt that I will stop having these dreams. What was it that I was missing?

There has been this heavy feeling that pulls me into a mood that is hard to define. I think it's loneliness, but it is so much heavier than any generic lonely feelings that I have had before. When it strikes in full it renders me anxious, desperate, and disconnected from others. I feel bitter from the years of rejection. I feel like I have no tools, and no way to fully remedy this situation. I don't know what it is, or where it comes from. it's just here, and I have to deal with it. I feel 'other'. No other way to really explain it. It's as if the rest of the world is on a plane of mutual existence, and I'm on another, disconnected, and alone. I feel alone, and damaged. I really believe that no one really likes me much, and that I'm not really all that good of a person. I want to turn to someone to talk to, but I have no one that understands. Usually during these times I will try to start a conversation with a friend via text, and that won't go much of anywhere, which only serves to reinforce this heavy feeling of people not really liking me, and isolation. The isolation is so big.

 One thing is for certain, these feelings are much too heavy to keep carrying around with me. Sometimes it almost drives me to suicide, because I firmly believe that I will never be free of this feeling long term. I will always be the person that everyone likes from a distance, but never up close. Up close is awkward. It means accepting my quirks. It means knowing that I speak what I think, and understanding that I think in a very different way than others. It means.... well, I don't know.... It's been over a decade since I had best friends to call, and idle chat over dinner. I don't know what it is about me that is off-putting, and it's likely that if I did I would be unable to fix it, anyway How do you fix your personality? I mean, my character is good. I am honest, and a loyal friend, ect... It's my essence that bothers people.

So, what does this have to do with the baby dreams?

I know you might be thinking that I am way off track here, and rambling without an end in sight, but I promise that there is a reason I have rambled on this far.

The reason I bring all this up is that I do think that after 36 years of trying to make this whole friendship thing work, and trying to fill this enormous hole that my family has left when they disowned me has left me realizing that it's all up to me. It's time to accept that while I wish it were different, I am going to have to be okay with being alone. I have a husband, and kids that love me, and that is going to have to be enough. I'm not going to be able to have close friends, and family like other people do. It's not going to happen, and I'd be better off spending my time doing things that bring me joy. Like the baby in my dream it is not quite healthy, or optimal, but I'm better not talking about it, and just doing my best nourishing my inner child as best as I can. In one dream that I had in particular the other night I was going through the mail at my parent's house. When my mother asked me what I was doing I told her that I was looking to see if there was anything left there with my name on it. She was not pleased. She told me that I had to take my baby, and leave. I started gathering my stuff, and remarked, "I don't know why you don't like my baby so much." It wasn't rudely, or emotionally said. More of a general comment. The dream was so real I could still feel the mail in my hands when I woke up.

It's time I face that I'm okay on my own. I don't need anyone to soothe me. It's time I learn to face that I have to soothe myself, because in these desperate moments it's all I have.

Quick disclaimer: It occurred to me that some may take this as a call for reassurance, or pity. Please know that it isn't. I share, because I like to write, and writing helps me to sort my thoughts. That is all. 

Continue to: Soothing My loneliness Pt 2- Autism.. or...?


  1. "I mean, my character is good. I am honest, and a loyal friend, ect... It's my essence that bothers people."

    Yep, me too.

    I think of all the efforts I've made over 4 decades trying to "connect" with people. I thought I just hadn't learned social skills well enough yet, that I wasn't acting well enough yet. I thought if I kept trying, eventually I would get it "right."

    I'm married with kids, too, and even though my husband is awesomely supportive, I still feel like there's this chasm between me and the rest of the world. It never goes away. I never feel "connected" with people. Socializing never, no matter how much I practice, comes fluidly enough to feel "real."

    My therapist has talked about how to be "present" with other people. Well lately, I've worked on being "present" with myself. Instead of practicing conversations with people in my head all the time, I'm trying to learn how to talk directly with myself, or even to skip the talk, and just get to know myself on the inside, without all the filters I've used for relating with the rest of the world.

    Sometimes that's enough to quell the lonely isolation inside, and sometimes the panic still floods my mind and body. But I'm getting better at the "peaceful solitude", and experiencing the "panicked isolation" less frequently. I'm still alone inside, but learning how to work with that...which is all I know to do.

    1. Socializing never comes intuitively for me, unless I know a person very well, and that is kinda the issue. I don't make those connections very often.

      Thanks for your comment. I hope we both find ways to cope that works. :)

      P.S. I just wrote a part 2 if you'd like to read it:

  2. Sounds like you figured it out- that sounds exact for the dreams. I can say you are not alone as I had manifestations of that myself but I came to a similar conclusion...and made myself a best friend...and shortly after that I found my best friend who has been by my side for ten years now...she is all I need besides my hubby and kids and anyone else is extra icing:) But How I learned to love myself was through books and cognitive therapy...some of the best books were: The gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, Aspergirls by Rudy Simone, 22 things you must know if you love a woman with Aspergers- Rudy Simone, Nerdy shy and socially Inappropriate- cynthia kim, Man's search for Meaning- Viktor Frankl, and Wisdom Distilled from the Daily by Joan Chitister....I also found regular monthly cognitive therapy supports me and makes me feel less I love my hermit lifestyle and can't stand anything more...Im not looking for any friends which is weird because 6 years ago I was desperate for them...and now when people reach out, I will often find myself needing space...yet I do appreciate the effort at times or varied people in and out of my life but I now prefer this...but I would say this has been a 5-8 year journey to get to this point...

  3. oh and I also comfort myself with boundary quotes...another thing I had to learn with self love:

    I still think my essence bothers people because they can not take it- the honesty, the pure childlike innocence combined with the paradoxical logic and the seer intuition...but I now like that...I think you are great too and I hope that it starts to feel like your inner child is taken care of:)

  4. I began reading this post even though I do NOT have time - am at work - because I saw it was about recurring dreams and I have had recurring nightmares for years. Our situations are STARTLINGLY similar: when I got to this sentence I practically fainted: (having been disowned by your family as I am estranged from most of mine following years of abuse and theft by my charismatic, brilliant, deeply narcissistic father) "I have a husband, and kids that love me, and that is going to have to be enough."
    Yes, that should be and is. But it still hurts. thanks for reminding me what a treasure those people are, though!!!!
    Thanks and love,

    1. I'm sorry you're from a similar family. I don't speak much about my father, but he has always been a narcissistic jerk. I do think he is probably on the spectrum somewhere, but that doesn't mean he's a nice person. He isn't. He's always been a jerk, though, so I have just always expected it growing up.

      Anyway, please feel free to message me anytime you would like to chat. You know where to find me. :)


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