There is this graphic that I see passed around the internet from Facebook to Twitter, and undoubtedly other areas of the net that I don't frequent. I can't find it at the moment, but it features a man on what looks like a bus with two opposing views. On the right side the man has a view of a gray, gloomy terrain. He is leaning against the window sullen, and despondent. On the left side the view is bright, cheerful, and sunny. The man looking out this side of the bus wears a happy disposition. The graphic states that we choose the view.
Every time I see this graphic I want to scream.
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query depression. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query depression. Sort by date Show all posts
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
You Again? #Depression
Depression is such an interesting phenomenon, isn't it?
It has so many variables from person to person. There's not just one type, is there? No. There's literally hundreds that manifests in so many different ways within it's hosts. Some stays are for days, some are for weeks, months, or even decades. Some drag it's host to the ground and keep them there for long periods at a time, others are able to walk around, but with a feeling of a heavy burden weighing them down with each laborious step.
I do write a lot about depression. I suffer from my own type. I speak from my own experience from my own struggle with illness, because this is how I cope. Maybe your experience won't match mine at all. That's okay. With the unique way my brain is wired neurologically I have come to expect it likely won't. I'll write about it anyway, and possibly someone might see bits of themselves within these words and at least know they're not the only one experiencing them.
It has so many variables from person to person. There's not just one type, is there? No. There's literally hundreds that manifests in so many different ways within it's hosts. Some stays are for days, some are for weeks, months, or even decades. Some drag it's host to the ground and keep them there for long periods at a time, others are able to walk around, but with a feeling of a heavy burden weighing them down with each laborious step.
I do write a lot about depression. I suffer from my own type. I speak from my own experience from my own struggle with illness, because this is how I cope. Maybe your experience won't match mine at all. That's okay. With the unique way my brain is wired neurologically I have come to expect it likely won't. I'll write about it anyway, and possibly someone might see bits of themselves within these words and at least know they're not the only one experiencing them.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Can #Depression Be Useful?
I read an article the other day about depression being an evolutionary trait that has been passed down by our ancestors, because it does harbor some usefulness. I read, and re-read it. I read it several times when I was depressed, and I just re-read it again in my current frame of mind, which is melancholy, but not what I would describe as depressed. I really wanted to let this idea sink in before really having much of an opinion on it.
In the article it talks about how when people are depressed they tend to shut down almost all other activities, and focus primarily on their problems. It's narrows down our focus, and reserves our energy for solving issues that triggered the depression in the first place. This is exactly what I was referring to in my last post. I was tired, and worn out so many issues being constantly tossed my way at once that I think my brain just needed to pull in it's energy to focus on what was the most important, which was/is taking care of my family. It was also a big, huge flashing warning that something in my life was not working. I needed to take a break from the distractions of others to really dismantle everything, and really understand what was happening. There are some people that have disorders that may indicate that depression just happens to them without warning, or reason, but most of us have reasons behind why we fall into depression. Most types of depression is triggered by an event, or lifestyle that our brain did not/cannot process in a healthy manner. Depression is a way for us to examine that trigger, and what behaviors it set forth that is not congruent with our life.
Some of the triggers are not things we can choose.
In the article it talks about how when people are depressed they tend to shut down almost all other activities, and focus primarily on their problems. It's narrows down our focus, and reserves our energy for solving issues that triggered the depression in the first place. This is exactly what I was referring to in my last post. I was tired, and worn out so many issues being constantly tossed my way at once that I think my brain just needed to pull in it's energy to focus on what was the most important, which was/is taking care of my family. It was also a big, huge flashing warning that something in my life was not working. I needed to take a break from the distractions of others to really dismantle everything, and really understand what was happening. There are some people that have disorders that may indicate that depression just happens to them without warning, or reason, but most of us have reasons behind why we fall into depression. Most types of depression is triggered by an event, or lifestyle that our brain did not/cannot process in a healthy manner. Depression is a way for us to examine that trigger, and what behaviors it set forth that is not congruent with our life.
Some of the triggers are not things we can choose.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Miss Despondent Gets a New Attitude
When I penned the last entry I noticed something that I definitely would not have if I had not been blogging. I was talking about how depression had shaped my current thinking, and whatnot, and I relayed it to a past post about depression, Kinda hard for regular readers to recall what recent entry has not been about depression, right? Anyway, I went to link it up, and noticed something as I was copying the link location. That entry was from a couple months ago. Then, I decided to look at the list of all of my blog entries, and realized that the first one that I begin to discuss this current bout of depression was in October. October?! I did a quick count on my fingers. That was four months ago! Has it been that long? Surely I have not been in this state for four months. I couldn't have been. Wouldn't I have known?
I had no way around the facts that were laying out there in black, and white. I have been slipping into a very serious depression, and I was not fully aware of it.
I thought, how could this be? My only answers were that it was comparable to a frog in a pot of water that is slowly heated until he's done. I didn't notice it, because it was a gradual decline into discomfort. Every now, and then the water might cool off, and then I'd notice it when the temperature sharply rose again, but for the most part it was a game of complacency. I would know I was down, but I got so used to feeling that way that it became my new norm, so when the depression pulled me even deeper the slight change was only a tinge of noticeable difference in mood.
At first I thought that I really shouldn't write yet another blog entry about depression. Won't my readers get tired of reading about my woes? Maybe. I don't really know. What I do know is that I write what I feel, and right now my truth is this horrid black cloud hanging over my head. I'd never bring it up in real time conversation, and you'd never know I was so far down if you were talking to me. The thing is, on my bad days no one talks to me, because I make sure they don't. I cancel appointments, and don't answer the phone. I sleep a lot, and watch tv. (Two things I don't do much of.) It's not like it's something I really want to bring up in everyday conversation.
If this were one of my bad days I wouldn't be writing this entry at all. I'd not have the thought process to do so, nor would I feel that I had anything of value to share with anyone anyway. I simply wouldn't bother. If I did it would be full of dark humor, and swear words. You might think if someone is depressed they lose their humor. That's when some of us get ours really warmed up. The more down I get the more twisted, and sailor-ish my thoughts get. Think Lewis Black, or Anthony Jesselnick. Not only are my thoughts crude, and dark, but that little part of my brain that says "No. Don't say that." isn't there. It goes away leaving me no filter, at all. I simply don't care enough to care. I don't even consider if I sound offensive to anyone. That would require too much thinking, and anxiety. Did I mention my anxiety goes almost all the way away when I am feeling really down? Yes. I no longer care about my weight, or if I might be late, or if I'm upsetting people. I really have zero f*cks to give about pretty much anything related to myself.
It's not that I feel rock bottom low all the time anymore. I have days where it isn't so bad. Most days are a big mixed bag, though. Mornings have been by far the worst. This is new to me. I have had other depressions before, and all of them caused my mood to dip in the evenings. All my energy was spent by then, and I would fall into sadness. This time, however, my mood fares much, much worse earlier in the day rather than later. Most days I am hit with a wall of sadness, and despair as soon as I open my eyes. Literally, the first moment of consciousness is one that reminds me I am still here, and I am still feeling the same. It's almost as if I'm disappointed that I even woke up most days. By late afternoon my mood has usually improved to a very solid coping stage. I am able to get moving, and get stuff done.
Except I don't get it all done.
I had no way around the facts that were laying out there in black, and white. I have been slipping into a very serious depression, and I was not fully aware of it.
I thought, how could this be? My only answers were that it was comparable to a frog in a pot of water that is slowly heated until he's done. I didn't notice it, because it was a gradual decline into discomfort. Every now, and then the water might cool off, and then I'd notice it when the temperature sharply rose again, but for the most part it was a game of complacency. I would know I was down, but I got so used to feeling that way that it became my new norm, so when the depression pulled me even deeper the slight change was only a tinge of noticeable difference in mood.
At first I thought that I really shouldn't write yet another blog entry about depression. Won't my readers get tired of reading about my woes? Maybe. I don't really know. What I do know is that I write what I feel, and right now my truth is this horrid black cloud hanging over my head. I'd never bring it up in real time conversation, and you'd never know I was so far down if you were talking to me. The thing is, on my bad days no one talks to me, because I make sure they don't. I cancel appointments, and don't answer the phone. I sleep a lot, and watch tv. (Two things I don't do much of.) It's not like it's something I really want to bring up in everyday conversation.
If this were one of my bad days I wouldn't be writing this entry at all. I'd not have the thought process to do so, nor would I feel that I had anything of value to share with anyone anyway. I simply wouldn't bother. If I did it would be full of dark humor, and swear words. You might think if someone is depressed they lose their humor. That's when some of us get ours really warmed up. The more down I get the more twisted, and sailor-ish my thoughts get. Think Lewis Black, or Anthony Jesselnick. Not only are my thoughts crude, and dark, but that little part of my brain that says "No. Don't say that." isn't there. It goes away leaving me no filter, at all. I simply don't care enough to care. I don't even consider if I sound offensive to anyone. That would require too much thinking, and anxiety. Did I mention my anxiety goes almost all the way away when I am feeling really down? Yes. I no longer care about my weight, or if I might be late, or if I'm upsetting people. I really have zero f*cks to give about pretty much anything related to myself.
It's not that I feel rock bottom low all the time anymore. I have days where it isn't so bad. Most days are a big mixed bag, though. Mornings have been by far the worst. This is new to me. I have had other depressions before, and all of them caused my mood to dip in the evenings. All my energy was spent by then, and I would fall into sadness. This time, however, my mood fares much, much worse earlier in the day rather than later. Most days I am hit with a wall of sadness, and despair as soon as I open my eyes. Literally, the first moment of consciousness is one that reminds me I am still here, and I am still feeling the same. It's almost as if I'm disappointed that I even woke up most days. By late afternoon my mood has usually improved to a very solid coping stage. I am able to get moving, and get stuff done.
Except I don't get it all done.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Guilt and Self Blame The Perfect Recipe For Depression?
Today, as I was cleaning out my email of various news alerts that I get on a few subjects I came across this article Was Freud Right About Depression and Guilt? It talks about using an FMRi machine to track brain activity in people as they imagine a scenario of being rude or bossy to another person. The findings were of significance in that the brains of people who are prone to or that have been depressed there was not the same amount of activity in both the the anterior temporal lobe ( part that measures socially appropriate behavior) the subgenual region of the brain ( area that measures feelings of guilt ) as there was in the other control group who were not prone to depression. This is suggestive that depression may rise from more than just normal sadness, and be in part caused by feelings of guilt and self-blame. People with depression may not be linking up their 'bad' behavior with the feelings of guilt appropriately , thus leaving them to assign blame to themselves for things that aren't their fault.
I would say that in my experience, this could very well be true. I would also surmise that it could be a case of chicken and the egg, as well. Did the depression occur first, tainting everything, or was it this underlying brain difference that ultimately lead to the depression? I am also wondering if this over-reaching guilt and self blame causes damage in the long run to thinking patterns becoming more permanent? Like, ruminating over the perceived bad behavior might cause the problem to grow and become rooted in the person's mind as an unshakable truth, rather than a theory. I would also think this would cause issues in the person's relationships. Being overly apologetic and ready to accept blame would be likely to attract a kind of partner and friends that would be willing to let you carry it. Manipulative sorts of people might be drawn in by your willingness to accept the blame for all that went wrong the relationship. This would almost reinforce your feelings of guilt, sadness, and possible low self worth.
I know in my life, that I have been the "I'm sorry" person. The one that said that as almost a knee jerk reaction to everything, whether it was my fault or not. This gives me something to think about in terms of how I view myself in situations where I think I may have behaved badly. The guilt that seems to be so often a part of the relationship equation may just be the way I tend to go with my thought process and something I can learn from. It may just be worth keeping in mind the next time I assign myself blame that I could be overdoing it.
I would say that in my experience, this could very well be true. I would also surmise that it could be a case of chicken and the egg, as well. Did the depression occur first, tainting everything, or was it this underlying brain difference that ultimately lead to the depression? I am also wondering if this over-reaching guilt and self blame causes damage in the long run to thinking patterns becoming more permanent? Like, ruminating over the perceived bad behavior might cause the problem to grow and become rooted in the person's mind as an unshakable truth, rather than a theory. I would also think this would cause issues in the person's relationships. Being overly apologetic and ready to accept blame would be likely to attract a kind of partner and friends that would be willing to let you carry it. Manipulative sorts of people might be drawn in by your willingness to accept the blame for all that went wrong the relationship. This would almost reinforce your feelings of guilt, sadness, and possible low self worth.
I know in my life, that I have been the "I'm sorry" person. The one that said that as almost a knee jerk reaction to everything, whether it was my fault or not. This gives me something to think about in terms of how I view myself in situations where I think I may have behaved badly. The guilt that seems to be so often a part of the relationship equation may just be the way I tend to go with my thought process and something I can learn from. It may just be worth keeping in mind the next time I assign myself blame that I could be overdoing it.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Can We Stop Vilifying Antidepressants?
The doctor entered the room, and asked how I was. "Not well," I responded dryly. "Otherwise I wouldn't be here, right?" She laughed as if she hadn't heard it before, or maybe she just wasn't expecting it from me. I had no energy for pleasantries, and small talk. My words were dry, and blunt. Any fears I may have held about what others might think of me were simply gone. It had been swept away in a torrent of blackness that had enveloped my entire being. It was such an odd feeling to be absent from anxiety, as it was replaced with a depth of depression that reached further down than I knew existed. In that office, that day I sat there with the last bit of strength I could muster, and admitted that I needed help.
What had brought me to that point? Surely it was not an overnight thing? It couldn't have been, and it wasn't. I have been depressed on, and off for the last 23 years. Quite a lot more on than off, I should say. I'd been told by numerous doctors, and psychiatrists that I had depression. When I was evaluated a few years ago the clinician tacked on dysthymic disorder to Asperger's. I balked. She didn't know what she was talking about. I was not chronically in a state of melancholy, I thought. Except I was, and I couldn't face it.
But, why couldn't I face it? What was it that made it so difficult?
What had brought me to that point? Surely it was not an overnight thing? It couldn't have been, and it wasn't. I have been depressed on, and off for the last 23 years. Quite a lot more on than off, I should say. I'd been told by numerous doctors, and psychiatrists that I had depression. When I was evaluated a few years ago the clinician tacked on dysthymic disorder to Asperger's. I balked. She didn't know what she was talking about. I was not chronically in a state of melancholy, I thought. Except I was, and I couldn't face it.
But, why couldn't I face it? What was it that made it so difficult?
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Mindfulness In Adults With Autism Spectrum Disorders-Guest Post
Guest post by: Dr. Annelies Spek. She writes at : Autism and Minfulness.org
Dr. Annelies Spek is clinical psychologist and senior researcher at the adult autism center in the southof the Netherlands (Eindhoven). Her Ph D thesis was entitled: cognitive profiles of adults with high functioning autism (HFA) or Asperger syndrome. Now she examines the effects of treatment in adults with autism. She also gives lectures about diagnosis and treatment in adults with autism.
Furthermore, she gives mindfulness training to adults with autism and she developed a training program for clinician s (who work with adults with autism) on this subject. For more information about (mindfulness in) adults with autism: here- mail address is anneliesspek@hotmail.com
The original book ‘Mindfulness in adults with autism’, has not been translated in English yet. If you would like to be informed about this in the future, send me an email. If you have any ideas that might help to have the book translated in English, please contact me!
anneliesspek@hotmail.com
Kind regards,
Introduction
Autism is a lifelong developmental disorder that affects functioning in multiple areas. Recent studies show that autism is often accompanied by other psychiatric symptoms, including depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, inattention and distress in general. Evidence suggests that depression is the most common psychiatric disorder seen in autism (Ghaziuddin et al., 2002). Especially adults with relatively high cognitive ability seem at risk for developing symptoms of depression, possibly because they are more aware of expectations of the outside world and their inability to meet those.
Symptoms of depression in adults with autism seem different than in other individuals, ranging from irritability to an increase in difficulty with change and sensitivity for sensory stimuli (Ghaziuddin et al., 2002). An important aspect of depression and distress in people with autism is the tendency to ruminate. This can be described as a drive to think repetitively and experiencing difficulty to let thoughts go. For instance, adults with autism often lay awake at night, pondering about the events of the day and analyzing those in detail. The tendency of people with autism to ruminate appears related to the detailed information processing style that characterizes autism.
Information about the author:
Dr. Annelies Spek is clinical psychologist and senior researcher at the adult autism center in the southof the Netherlands (Eindhoven). Her Ph D thesis was entitled: cognitive profiles of adults with high functioning autism (HFA) or Asperger syndrome. Now she examines the effects of treatment in adults with autism. She also gives lectures about diagnosis and treatment in adults with autism.
Furthermore, she gives mindfulness training to adults with autism and she developed a training program for clinician s (who work with adults with autism) on this subject. For more information about (mindfulness in) adults with autism: here- mail address is anneliesspek@hotmail.com
The original book ‘Mindfulness in adults with autism’, has not been translated in English yet. If you would like to be informed about this in the future, send me an email. If you have any ideas that might help to have the book translated in English, please contact me!
anneliesspek@hotmail.com
Kind regards,
Annelies Spek
_____________________________________________________________________ Introduction
Autism is a lifelong developmental disorder that affects functioning in multiple areas. Recent studies show that autism is often accompanied by other psychiatric symptoms, including depression, anxiety, hyperactivity, inattention and distress in general. Evidence suggests that depression is the most common psychiatric disorder seen in autism (Ghaziuddin et al., 2002). Especially adults with relatively high cognitive ability seem at risk for developing symptoms of depression, possibly because they are more aware of expectations of the outside world and their inability to meet those.
Symptoms of depression in adults with autism seem different than in other individuals, ranging from irritability to an increase in difficulty with change and sensitivity for sensory stimuli (Ghaziuddin et al., 2002). An important aspect of depression and distress in people with autism is the tendency to ruminate. This can be described as a drive to think repetitively and experiencing difficulty to let thoughts go. For instance, adults with autism often lay awake at night, pondering about the events of the day and analyzing those in detail. The tendency of people with autism to ruminate appears related to the detailed information processing style that characterizes autism.
Monday, January 26, 2015
If You Had Three Wishes
The season of winter is turning the corner into it's finishing stages where I live, and I can tell you it is none too soon for this lady who suffers from seasonal depression. The days are getting a bit longer, and the sun is out in contrast to a few weeks ago when it was dark gray skies for days on end.
As I talked about in a recent entry, sometimes depression can be a useful signal that lets us know when we need to do something different. It can serve as a warning signal to us that things are not working, and our needs are not getting met. As much as I hate to admit it, I am still about as depressed as I was when I wrote that entry almost 4 months ago. That is astounding to me. If I didn't have a blog that detailed this I would not believe it. It has not seemed like 4 months. I think that is kinda how we get caught in a lot of patterns, though. We kinda get used to it, and for me this down feeling had kinda become my new norm. So, I got used to feeling blue, and sometimes the blue feeling delved down into despair. Other times, it zoomed up to good days. Which good days happen with depression. That's what makes it sometimes so hard to detect, because we might have a day, or even 3 of great days. Days that feel like we used to when we don't feel down. Days that we feel full of life, and energy, and those days are the ones where we doubt the depression existed at all. We think that maybe those days are the real days, and the others are a false experience, or at the least days where our weak will won. They kinda feel like maybe if I extended more effort, then every day could be a good day, and then the dark cloud returns, and I am not sure of anything.
Today is a good day so far, Yesterday was not. Yesterday I got to thinking of the old entry I wrote, and decided to really focus on my life, and what I would change if I could. I am sure that the dreary state of the weather has been a major culprit in my down days, but I also feel that there are things that I could change in my life that might make things better. So I posed the following question to myself:
If I had 3 wishes to apply to my life right now to change it for the better what would they be?
At first I thought this would be easy. Any wish. It doesn't have to be logical, or practical, or make sense. Just pick 3 things that would make my life better. It wasn't easy. I thought, and I thought. Finally, this morning I came up with 3. Here they are:
1. To have supportive family nearby. This one that I could have probably cited as a huge contributor to my depression. There is nothing worse than being disowned by your parents, and then the rest of the family pretty much following suit, because it's just less awkward to avoid you rather than deal with the unsaid conflict.(My mother refuses to talk to anyone that still talks to me.) There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have at least one panicky thought about my husband dying, because if he does I know for a fact that I am on my own. My family wants nothing to do with me, and wouldn't even come to my side if there was a genuine emergency. His family is not much better.
The more I thought about the wishes I realized that all 3 would be pretty much covered if we had family that could go to doctor appointments with me, and help run errands. If someone else stepped in to take my oldest two kids to fun things like museums, and out to lunch. If they could watch my kids, so I could have a moment to breathe, or go to dinner. To have people to turn to when you need help, or to talk that would understand autism.
2. More Money. Who doesn't wish for more money? If I had more some of my worries would go away, and I could probably buy the help I need where family can't be there. Of course, one doesn't just get money. I don't know how I'd obtain this extra cash, but I'm supposed to think of 3 wishes no matter how out in left field they may be.
3. Program for Beans. And, finally.... the last wish. I would love a program for Beans to go to that centered around the values that I hold, and conducted by people that I trust to treat him well. In other words, a fun, person centered approach that was NOT about compliance, but about growing at his pace on days he felt able to attend. No pressure. Just lots of positive activities. That would be awesome.
So, that is what I'd wish for if I had the power to obtain anything in my wildest dreams. I think it is a good starting place for me to think about what is missing in my life, and fix what I can, and deal with what I can't. I'm not sure what I can come up with, but I am sure that there are solutions if I keep looking. That is one thing that I am still confident about. there are solutions to every problem if we look hard enough, and are willing to explore alternative ways of thinking, and doing things.
If you had 3 wishes what would they be?
As I talked about in a recent entry, sometimes depression can be a useful signal that lets us know when we need to do something different. It can serve as a warning signal to us that things are not working, and our needs are not getting met. As much as I hate to admit it, I am still about as depressed as I was when I wrote that entry almost 4 months ago. That is astounding to me. If I didn't have a blog that detailed this I would not believe it. It has not seemed like 4 months. I think that is kinda how we get caught in a lot of patterns, though. We kinda get used to it, and for me this down feeling had kinda become my new norm. So, I got used to feeling blue, and sometimes the blue feeling delved down into despair. Other times, it zoomed up to good days. Which good days happen with depression. That's what makes it sometimes so hard to detect, because we might have a day, or even 3 of great days. Days that feel like we used to when we don't feel down. Days that we feel full of life, and energy, and those days are the ones where we doubt the depression existed at all. We think that maybe those days are the real days, and the others are a false experience, or at the least days where our weak will won. They kinda feel like maybe if I extended more effort, then every day could be a good day, and then the dark cloud returns, and I am not sure of anything.
Today is a good day so far, Yesterday was not. Yesterday I got to thinking of the old entry I wrote, and decided to really focus on my life, and what I would change if I could. I am sure that the dreary state of the weather has been a major culprit in my down days, but I also feel that there are things that I could change in my life that might make things better. So I posed the following question to myself:
If I had 3 wishes to apply to my life right now to change it for the better what would they be?
At first I thought this would be easy. Any wish. It doesn't have to be logical, or practical, or make sense. Just pick 3 things that would make my life better. It wasn't easy. I thought, and I thought. Finally, this morning I came up with 3. Here they are:
1. To have supportive family nearby. This one that I could have probably cited as a huge contributor to my depression. There is nothing worse than being disowned by your parents, and then the rest of the family pretty much following suit, because it's just less awkward to avoid you rather than deal with the unsaid conflict.(My mother refuses to talk to anyone that still talks to me.) There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have at least one panicky thought about my husband dying, because if he does I know for a fact that I am on my own. My family wants nothing to do with me, and wouldn't even come to my side if there was a genuine emergency. His family is not much better.
The more I thought about the wishes I realized that all 3 would be pretty much covered if we had family that could go to doctor appointments with me, and help run errands. If someone else stepped in to take my oldest two kids to fun things like museums, and out to lunch. If they could watch my kids, so I could have a moment to breathe, or go to dinner. To have people to turn to when you need help, or to talk that would understand autism.
2. More Money. Who doesn't wish for more money? If I had more some of my worries would go away, and I could probably buy the help I need where family can't be there. Of course, one doesn't just get money. I don't know how I'd obtain this extra cash, but I'm supposed to think of 3 wishes no matter how out in left field they may be.
3. Program for Beans. And, finally.... the last wish. I would love a program for Beans to go to that centered around the values that I hold, and conducted by people that I trust to treat him well. In other words, a fun, person centered approach that was NOT about compliance, but about growing at his pace on days he felt able to attend. No pressure. Just lots of positive activities. That would be awesome.
So, that is what I'd wish for if I had the power to obtain anything in my wildest dreams. I think it is a good starting place for me to think about what is missing in my life, and fix what I can, and deal with what I can't. I'm not sure what I can come up with, but I am sure that there are solutions if I keep looking. That is one thing that I am still confident about. there are solutions to every problem if we look hard enough, and are willing to explore alternative ways of thinking, and doing things.
If you had 3 wishes what would they be?
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Finding Happiness
I have different writing styles, as well as differing reasons that I blog. I have always been a writer, and there is still something so magnetic, and alluring about an empty notepad of paper that I can't hardly resist filling it with words. Words of a poem, of my thoughts, of lyrics to something that makes sense to me in that moment. Just words flowing onto an outside object from inside my head is a desire that I can't ignore. It's my way of communicating to the world, and to myself. I process the world by writing, and have ever since I learned to spell. No matter my special interest at any given time writing is how I am going to best explore it, and share it with the world, whether anyone is on the receiving end or not.
So, this is one of those posts where I talk to myself, and share my thoughts raw. They're about as mysterious to me as unknown to you. I finally have the confidence to not worry so much about whether or not anyone is going to read it, or if this post is going to be shared, or receive comments. It likely won't, but I don't write to please others. I write because I have to express myself, and this is how I do it. How others interpret this expression is up to them, and while I love to get feedback it is not necessary for me to get in order to enjoy the process of writing.
As I have written about recently (HERE) I have begun a new round of antidepressants after a particularly trying bout of depression. It was not your typical gray depression, but rather it was a life changing kind that required action. Not just action from an outside source, such as an antidepressant, but also action in changing my life, and the way I think to be able to sustain a more positive lifestyle conducive to me needs. I'm not going to repeat everything here that I have said in so many other posts, but to paraphrase; depression is often a signal from our subconscious that something in our lifestyle, and way of being is not congruent with our needs. This is not the whole of depression, but it is often at the root.
Almost immediately after beginning my new medication I could feel a difference. It's a med that I have been on before, and have found it to be really effective for me, even though it seems to not agree with a lot of other people. It was as if it were made just for me. Suddenly, I felt a surge of energy, and a renewed sense of purpose. There were so many things I wanted to do, and experience. It was like waking up from a long sleep where I could finally do the things I could only dream of before. Suddenly, my dreams could be a reality. Life became clear again, and not this long drawn out painful, confusing fog that I had to fight to just survive through each day.
Aspects of my personality began coming back that I hadn't seen in years. Things like
So, this is one of those posts where I talk to myself, and share my thoughts raw. They're about as mysterious to me as unknown to you. I finally have the confidence to not worry so much about whether or not anyone is going to read it, or if this post is going to be shared, or receive comments. It likely won't, but I don't write to please others. I write because I have to express myself, and this is how I do it. How others interpret this expression is up to them, and while I love to get feedback it is not necessary for me to get in order to enjoy the process of writing.
As I have written about recently (HERE) I have begun a new round of antidepressants after a particularly trying bout of depression. It was not your typical gray depression, but rather it was a life changing kind that required action. Not just action from an outside source, such as an antidepressant, but also action in changing my life, and the way I think to be able to sustain a more positive lifestyle conducive to me needs. I'm not going to repeat everything here that I have said in so many other posts, but to paraphrase; depression is often a signal from our subconscious that something in our lifestyle, and way of being is not congruent with our needs. This is not the whole of depression, but it is often at the root.
Almost immediately after beginning my new medication I could feel a difference. It's a med that I have been on before, and have found it to be really effective for me, even though it seems to not agree with a lot of other people. It was as if it were made just for me. Suddenly, I felt a surge of energy, and a renewed sense of purpose. There were so many things I wanted to do, and experience. It was like waking up from a long sleep where I could finally do the things I could only dream of before. Suddenly, my dreams could be a reality. Life became clear again, and not this long drawn out painful, confusing fog that I had to fight to just survive through each day.
Aspects of my personality began coming back that I hadn't seen in years. Things like
Friday, October 11, 2013
Processing Change & Almost Depression Days
Today is going to be one of those days where I need to keep moving, even if I don't want to. I will have to push myself, as I can feel the energy, and optimism slowly creeping out, as darkness, and self-doubt creep in.
These days are processing days. Days that I need to do, as my mind processes all that has happened recently. That is how my brain works. It often downloads in the background as I do other tasks. Kind of hard to explain, but much like a computer updating software. I take in lots of info, but it doesn't quite 'download' right away.
It takes a lot of my energy to try to take in a lot of new changes, and information. This energy has to come from somewhere. For me, it often comes from my mood, and forsakes efficient cognitive processing for daily tasks. Mostly my mood, though.
Days like today are days long with dysthymia. Dull, color faded, melancholy days that are drawn out. I make myself keep moving through it, because if I sit, and think too long that negative voice gets too loud to block out.
These days are processing days. Days that I need to do, as my mind processes all that has happened recently. That is how my brain works. It often downloads in the background as I do other tasks. Kind of hard to explain, but much like a computer updating software. I take in lots of info, but it doesn't quite 'download' right away.
It takes a lot of my energy to try to take in a lot of new changes, and information. This energy has to come from somewhere. For me, it often comes from my mood, and forsakes efficient cognitive processing for daily tasks. Mostly my mood, though.
Days like today are days long with dysthymia. Dull, color faded, melancholy days that are drawn out. I make myself keep moving through it, because if I sit, and think too long that negative voice gets too loud to block out.
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Knock Knock...This is #Anxiety - it's an emergency! Let me in!
I often write about expanding my own horizons, and testing my boundaries. Recently, I have written about not caring so much what people think, or if I get feedback from others that seems to support my choices. Then, as luck would have it, or probably not really luck if I am honest with myself, but rather just the way my neurology operates, I am hit with a bout of acute anxiety.
The day before yesterday I got a haircut. It wasn't much different, and I felt okay, and comfortable about it. I was feeling overwhelmed in general that day, but nothing that would rise to my attention as noteworthy. I posted a picture of my new do on Facebook. Then, my husband came home, and seemed not to even notice, or give much thought to my new haircut even after I asked about it. This made me feel really anxious. I began to fret. I immediately felt like i should not have posted a picture of it, and I deleted it from my timeline. Anxious thoughts filled my brain from thinking that I was wrong to make a big deal out of something so small as a haircut to feeling like maybe it didn't look very good. "Just who do you think you are to feel like anyone wants to even be bothered with something so minute as seeing your haircut?" That was one of my main thoughts Which spiraled into feeling like a fake for feeling this way, but always promoting healthier thinking. How in the world can I talk about something with any kind of authority if I can't even do it? Oh, my.... I think I'm a fraud. I think I am ugly, and probably fat, and maybe a bad person, too.
Then, I paused. Literally. I hit pause on my brain, my thoughts stuttered to a halt as did my whole body.
"Hello depression." I said to myself. "I see you are sneaking in behind your buddy anxiety."
I recognized all the the bad thoughts that lie to me until I am living in a shadow of who I am as a symptom of depression. They convince me that I am not worthy, and when they sneak in behind thoughts of fear I am so vulnerable that I believe them.
Not this time.
The day before yesterday I got a haircut. It wasn't much different, and I felt okay, and comfortable about it. I was feeling overwhelmed in general that day, but nothing that would rise to my attention as noteworthy. I posted a picture of my new do on Facebook. Then, my husband came home, and seemed not to even notice, or give much thought to my new haircut even after I asked about it. This made me feel really anxious. I began to fret. I immediately felt like i should not have posted a picture of it, and I deleted it from my timeline. Anxious thoughts filled my brain from thinking that I was wrong to make a big deal out of something so small as a haircut to feeling like maybe it didn't look very good. "Just who do you think you are to feel like anyone wants to even be bothered with something so minute as seeing your haircut?" That was one of my main thoughts Which spiraled into feeling like a fake for feeling this way, but always promoting healthier thinking. How in the world can I talk about something with any kind of authority if I can't even do it? Oh, my.... I think I'm a fraud. I think I am ugly, and probably fat, and maybe a bad person, too.
Then, I paused. Literally. I hit pause on my brain, my thoughts stuttered to a halt as did my whole body.
"Hello depression." I said to myself. "I see you are sneaking in behind your buddy anxiety."
I recognized all the the bad thoughts that lie to me until I am living in a shadow of who I am as a symptom of depression. They convince me that I am not worthy, and when they sneak in behind thoughts of fear I am so vulnerable that I believe them.
Not this time.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Overcoming Negative Thinking Patterns With #Aspergers
Here in the last few years especially I have been trying to get rid of old, outdated thinking patterns and usher in some new ones. I've not got it figured out, by far, but one thing I am absolutely certain of, changing our most automatic behaviors is hard. It is really difficult to do. If it weren't, let's be honest we'd all do what we know in our most rational moments to be the best all the time. We'd never have an emotional reaction that snuck up on us and took our logic away, causing us to say and do things we regret later.
I have not been anywhere near entirely successful in dealing with some of my most ingrained automatic negative thoughts and behaviors. I'm sure that my husband would testify to that. I, however, have been able to start the process. I have made some tweaks, and had a few successes, even if they were minute, or short lived.
I have a lot of issues with negative beliefs about myself, and subsequently my behavior is negative. Some of these things were borne out of a childhood where I was not supported, loved or cherished consistently. Some of them are probably just my personal way of dealing with things, while quite a lot of it I suspect is from my neurology. There seems to be quite a lot of people with AS that struggle with self-soothing. I tend to be the most rational, grown up, logical level headed person you ever meet 98% of the time. I am so predictable and methodical I make everyone crazy with it. However, there's that 1% of the time where I've had too much routine change, or sensory input, or some other issue with executive functioning and I go into sobbing meltdown. This is not logical. It is the opposite. It's emotional overload.
Then, you have the other 1% of the time where I have jumped off of the deep end into the negative assumption pool. This is where my terrible self esteem causes real problems other than making me feel bad. This is when I cannot help but assume that others are out to get me, because they think just as badly of me, as I do myself. This 1% of the time I feel everything in my environment is a reflection of me. It's a sort of sad, negative, bleak self centered way of being. Like it or not, it's probably mild depression. Depression has a way of turning everything into something personal. Everything around us when we are feeling depressed is somehow about us, or going to negatively affect us. Fights with spouses, and friends are easy to come by when you have depression glasses on. After all, everything they do is a result of how they feel about you, when you feel this way. They might be late, because they don't see you as important, or that friend didn't wave at you, because they don't like you anymore, or your boss didn't tell you you did a good job with whatever task, because they think you're a failure. The possibilities to link yourself to your environment are endless when in this frame of mind.
For me, I can get to where I need a release. I need to get it out, and be reassured that I am okay and things will be okay. I turn into a child that needs consoling. My husband made a good point last night when I mentioned this to him. He said it was because a child only sees the immediate problem, whether that is not getting their way, or getting punished, or feeling lonely. In their mind they have no capacity to see that the situation is temporary, or to have the power or ability to problem solve. They can't see a future, they only see now and if the present is awful they feel it always will be. I think due to my AS and my parents not giving my the reassurance and care I needed I never really developed a very good coping strategy to dealing with the situations where I feel knocked down and emotionally overwhelmed. I lash out and look for ways on the outside to alleviate it. I look for short term solutions. I problem solve with my feelings the way an 8 year old would. Thankfully, I don't get knocked into this space easily. I do however, need to find better ways of dealing with my emotions and my extreme self loathing when I do get into this space. After, researching and doing quite a bit of thinking I have come up with a little cognitive behavior exercise that I am hoping will help. I've tried it a couple of times and it seems to be helping so far. I will share it, in case it may be of help to anyone else.
So, here goes... the CBT-type exercise I came up with for myself. Of course, I am not a doctor, and have not professional training in CBT. I am just offering up my experience.
Thought: This is where you list the thoughts/feelings that is causing you discomfort. Example: I can't go to the party, because I am fat, or I can't do the project. I know I will fail and people will laugh. This should be only a few short sentences, if that.
Consequences Of Thought/feelings: This is where you would list how this thought makes you feel and what consequences of it will be. For example: we may avoid people and miss opportunities due to irrational beliefs, or the thought may cause so much stress that we will feel depressed and waste a day moping.
Past Occurrences That Are Similar: Here you would want to think of a time in your past (childhood if applicable) where this thought or feeling occurred. Then, list a recent time where this thought, or feeling occurred. This helps you to see why the behavior might be there. It probably served a purpose way back when, but if you look at a recent occurrence of the same behaviors you might see how it's no longer working. This is important for me, because it helps me to see the logic behind my emotions, as well as pulls me back in. I can look at the recent occurrence and see how I handled it then, and realize I'll get the same result if I keep on with the same thoughts and behaviors.
What evidence do I have that my thoughts or feelings are true? That one is pretty self explanatory.
Is it Helpful to carry this pattern of thinking into the present? Here again, pretty straighforward question that you can probably figure out from the last 2 questions quite easily.
Why or Why not? If no, then come up with an alternative belief, or action to do instead of the old pattern of behavior.
I have not been anywhere near entirely successful in dealing with some of my most ingrained automatic negative thoughts and behaviors. I'm sure that my husband would testify to that. I, however, have been able to start the process. I have made some tweaks, and had a few successes, even if they were minute, or short lived.
I have a lot of issues with negative beliefs about myself, and subsequently my behavior is negative. Some of these things were borne out of a childhood where I was not supported, loved or cherished consistently. Some of them are probably just my personal way of dealing with things, while quite a lot of it I suspect is from my neurology. There seems to be quite a lot of people with AS that struggle with self-soothing. I tend to be the most rational, grown up, logical level headed person you ever meet 98% of the time. I am so predictable and methodical I make everyone crazy with it. However, there's that 1% of the time where I've had too much routine change, or sensory input, or some other issue with executive functioning and I go into sobbing meltdown. This is not logical. It is the opposite. It's emotional overload.
Then, you have the other 1% of the time where I have jumped off of the deep end into the negative assumption pool. This is where my terrible self esteem causes real problems other than making me feel bad. This is when I cannot help but assume that others are out to get me, because they think just as badly of me, as I do myself. This 1% of the time I feel everything in my environment is a reflection of me. It's a sort of sad, negative, bleak self centered way of being. Like it or not, it's probably mild depression. Depression has a way of turning everything into something personal. Everything around us when we are feeling depressed is somehow about us, or going to negatively affect us. Fights with spouses, and friends are easy to come by when you have depression glasses on. After all, everything they do is a result of how they feel about you, when you feel this way. They might be late, because they don't see you as important, or that friend didn't wave at you, because they don't like you anymore, or your boss didn't tell you you did a good job with whatever task, because they think you're a failure. The possibilities to link yourself to your environment are endless when in this frame of mind.
For me, I can get to where I need a release. I need to get it out, and be reassured that I am okay and things will be okay. I turn into a child that needs consoling. My husband made a good point last night when I mentioned this to him. He said it was because a child only sees the immediate problem, whether that is not getting their way, or getting punished, or feeling lonely. In their mind they have no capacity to see that the situation is temporary, or to have the power or ability to problem solve. They can't see a future, they only see now and if the present is awful they feel it always will be. I think due to my AS and my parents not giving my the reassurance and care I needed I never really developed a very good coping strategy to dealing with the situations where I feel knocked down and emotionally overwhelmed. I lash out and look for ways on the outside to alleviate it. I look for short term solutions. I problem solve with my feelings the way an 8 year old would. Thankfully, I don't get knocked into this space easily. I do however, need to find better ways of dealing with my emotions and my extreme self loathing when I do get into this space. After, researching and doing quite a bit of thinking I have come up with a little cognitive behavior exercise that I am hoping will help. I've tried it a couple of times and it seems to be helping so far. I will share it, in case it may be of help to anyone else.
So, here goes... the CBT-type exercise I came up with for myself. Of course, I am not a doctor, and have not professional training in CBT. I am just offering up my experience.
Thought: This is where you list the thoughts/feelings that is causing you discomfort. Example: I can't go to the party, because I am fat, or I can't do the project. I know I will fail and people will laugh. This should be only a few short sentences, if that.
Consequences Of Thought/feelings: This is where you would list how this thought makes you feel and what consequences of it will be. For example: we may avoid people and miss opportunities due to irrational beliefs, or the thought may cause so much stress that we will feel depressed and waste a day moping.
Past Occurrences That Are Similar: Here you would want to think of a time in your past (childhood if applicable) where this thought or feeling occurred. Then, list a recent time where this thought, or feeling occurred. This helps you to see why the behavior might be there. It probably served a purpose way back when, but if you look at a recent occurrence of the same behaviors you might see how it's no longer working. This is important for me, because it helps me to see the logic behind my emotions, as well as pulls me back in. I can look at the recent occurrence and see how I handled it then, and realize I'll get the same result if I keep on with the same thoughts and behaviors.
What evidence do I have that my thoughts or feelings are true? That one is pretty self explanatory.
Is it Helpful to carry this pattern of thinking into the present? Here again, pretty straighforward question that you can probably figure out from the last 2 questions quite easily.
Why or Why not? If no, then come up with an alternative belief, or action to do instead of the old pattern of behavior.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Ugggg..Depression (again)
This is one of those posts that I'm not sure if I ought to write. It's personal. It's about how I feel and not so much applicable to the reader as it's not informational to them. I feel more effective as a blogger when I write more impersonal posts, but sometimes, what's on my mind first and foremost is my own life and my own feelings about it. This week has been one of those weeks.
I am noticing depression easing itself back into my life, clouding my view, and making everything blah. I think there's a lot that is contributing to this, but if I were more centered and mindful it would not effect me as much. I don't want to be back where I was last winter. That was one of the worst times in my life emotionally. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder . I thought that it wasn't really that much of an issue and just a part of having AS. I'm still unsure how valid a separate diagnosis for my mood is, but I can't deny that I have some major issues with depression. I have felt better these last 4 months. So, so much better. I don't want to go back to the way I had lived my life these last 20 some years. I now know that the dull melancholy that had accompanied my thoughts for as long as I could remember didn't have to be there. That I can have a much more positive outlook that can have much more positive consequences. I felt comfortable and okay with myself for the first time ever that I could remember. Here this last week or so I have been feeling all of that fade away. I have been feeling less than a person this week and that is a state of mind that I don't miss. I feel as if I have failed at everything I have ever tried to do, and if I keep on this track of thinking suicide will look like a good option again. I don't want to go back to that dark place again. I need to get a plan of action going. So, this week I am going to not give into my tiredness. I am going to exercise, like I have been. I am going to try to be in control of what I can and let the rest be, including other people's opinion and reactions to me. I'm not going to give in like I have most of my life. I'm going to meditate and keep on with what I know is a good direction, even if in this moment nothing feels good. I can't go back to being so down that nothing seems motivating. I hope this time I can turn things around. Undoing 20+ years of conditioning isn't easy, but can be done.
I am noticing depression easing itself back into my life, clouding my view, and making everything blah. I think there's a lot that is contributing to this, but if I were more centered and mindful it would not effect me as much. I don't want to be back where I was last winter. That was one of the worst times in my life emotionally. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder . I thought that it wasn't really that much of an issue and just a part of having AS. I'm still unsure how valid a separate diagnosis for my mood is, but I can't deny that I have some major issues with depression. I have felt better these last 4 months. So, so much better. I don't want to go back to the way I had lived my life these last 20 some years. I now know that the dull melancholy that had accompanied my thoughts for as long as I could remember didn't have to be there. That I can have a much more positive outlook that can have much more positive consequences. I felt comfortable and okay with myself for the first time ever that I could remember. Here this last week or so I have been feeling all of that fade away. I have been feeling less than a person this week and that is a state of mind that I don't miss. I feel as if I have failed at everything I have ever tried to do, and if I keep on this track of thinking suicide will look like a good option again. I don't want to go back to that dark place again. I need to get a plan of action going. So, this week I am going to not give into my tiredness. I am going to exercise, like I have been. I am going to try to be in control of what I can and let the rest be, including other people's opinion and reactions to me. I'm not going to give in like I have most of my life. I'm going to meditate and keep on with what I know is a good direction, even if in this moment nothing feels good. I can't go back to being so down that nothing seems motivating. I hope this time I can turn things around. Undoing 20+ years of conditioning isn't easy, but can be done.
Friday, August 7, 2015
One Year Post #Hysterectomy Update
On July 29th it was one year to date since I had a hysterectomy. I thought that doing a little update post about how that year has been for me, and how I feel about it now would be good for women that may be considering having one, or possibly just had one.
Of course, this is just my experience. I don't intend to represent a standard of healing. I do, however, want to tell my story, and possibly offer some hope for others. If one was to look on the internet for hysterectomy stories a lot of what you'd come away with would be bleak. I don't know why. Positive stories aren't as easy to find as the negative ones.
I think the hardest part was the healing time. Since I am in such a busy household I couldn't really rest as well as I'd like to have. I talk about that some in a past post: Recovering From a Hysterectomy in an Autistic Household so I'm not going to repeat it all here in this post.
The first few months after the hysterectomy everything seemed to be doing okay. I was easing back into my routine, and all was pretty good. The only thing that was not was that I was still in pain. I spoke to my doctor about it, but no one quite knew why my bladder was hurting so much, but chalked it up to just a slow healer.
Then, in October my energy dropped, and depression started setting in. A different kind of depression than any other I've had. It was a deep to the bone heavy weight, immobilizing kind. I pushed through it. It came, and went.
By January my bladder was hurting worse than ever. I went to see a doctor, and long story short after several appointments with specialists I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis. I realized that a lot of the pain I was blaming on the endometriosis was really due to this bladder issue. Most of the time it is not all that bad, but sometimes the pain is comparable to active labor pain. I am in pain every day, but usually it is tolerable. Now, I can get the correct treatment that I realize that not all of the pain I was experiencing was due to the endo.
During the months of November through early January I had began to gain weight. Nothing I did seemed to help, and it was all gathering around my tummy. It was evident as my mood shifted, and my weight changed that even though I had kept my ovaries they were not working properly. I had thought that I had made the worst mistake ever. I felt like I was doomed to this life of weight gain, and depression.
Thankfully, by February
Of course, this is just my experience. I don't intend to represent a standard of healing. I do, however, want to tell my story, and possibly offer some hope for others. If one was to look on the internet for hysterectomy stories a lot of what you'd come away with would be bleak. I don't know why. Positive stories aren't as easy to find as the negative ones.
I think the hardest part was the healing time. Since I am in such a busy household I couldn't really rest as well as I'd like to have. I talk about that some in a past post: Recovering From a Hysterectomy in an Autistic Household so I'm not going to repeat it all here in this post.
The first few months after the hysterectomy everything seemed to be doing okay. I was easing back into my routine, and all was pretty good. The only thing that was not was that I was still in pain. I spoke to my doctor about it, but no one quite knew why my bladder was hurting so much, but chalked it up to just a slow healer.
Then, in October my energy dropped, and depression started setting in. A different kind of depression than any other I've had. It was a deep to the bone heavy weight, immobilizing kind. I pushed through it. It came, and went.
By January my bladder was hurting worse than ever. I went to see a doctor, and long story short after several appointments with specialists I was diagnosed with interstitial cystitis. I realized that a lot of the pain I was blaming on the endometriosis was really due to this bladder issue. Most of the time it is not all that bad, but sometimes the pain is comparable to active labor pain. I am in pain every day, but usually it is tolerable. Now, I can get the correct treatment that I realize that not all of the pain I was experiencing was due to the endo.
During the months of November through early January I had began to gain weight. Nothing I did seemed to help, and it was all gathering around my tummy. It was evident as my mood shifted, and my weight changed that even though I had kept my ovaries they were not working properly. I had thought that I had made the worst mistake ever. I felt like I was doomed to this life of weight gain, and depression.
Thankfully, by February
Monday, November 5, 2012
Daylight Savings and 12 Black Rainbows
Yesterday was the first day in Daylight Savings. People always get pretty worked up over still having to turn our clocks back and forth, "in this day and age". I am beginning ti suspect that I am the only person that not only doesn't mind it, but sees a point in it as well as enjoys it.
Hear me out.
I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I like the sun. I need the sun. I want to soak up as much of it's deliciousness as I possibly can every day between November 1st to April1st. Those months are hard for me. If we change our clocks to a time where we are awake more and utilizing more hours of sunlight I get more of a chance to do that. I also don't like it when my kids are walking to school in the dark, so I am okay with them going an hour later in fall, and winter in order to achieve that. I also think it is better for energy conservation if we can use as much natural light as possible. Even an hour a day is a big deal when we consider the masses of people that are using less electricity to light their homes for that time.
Since this is a kind of off-topic fun type of post I thought I'd share a song that I ran across this morning as I wrote this post. It's by one of my all time favorite bands Type 0 Negative. The lead singer had bipolar and was very prone to severe depression. This song is about that depression and since I talked a bit about darkness leading to depression in this post I thought that this might be an appropriate video:
Idle hands may be the devil's work
Unbridled minds you see are so much worse
Too much pity spent and wasting time
Irresponsibility not my only crime no
Obsessive thinking, depressed drinking
The person i once was, he's dead
Exhume the past this time or be my last
This is my final quest to remove my mask yeah
Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play
Ice blue eyes follow me everywhere i go
Making my heart appear as lead
I hate to wish it but I'll tell you though
That i'm quite ready 'cause I'm already dead
Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play
Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play
Hear me out.
I have Seasonal Affective Disorder. I like the sun. I need the sun. I want to soak up as much of it's deliciousness as I possibly can every day between November 1st to April1st. Those months are hard for me. If we change our clocks to a time where we are awake more and utilizing more hours of sunlight I get more of a chance to do that. I also don't like it when my kids are walking to school in the dark, so I am okay with them going an hour later in fall, and winter in order to achieve that. I also think it is better for energy conservation if we can use as much natural light as possible. Even an hour a day is a big deal when we consider the masses of people that are using less electricity to light their homes for that time.
Since this is a kind of off-topic fun type of post I thought I'd share a song that I ran across this morning as I wrote this post. It's by one of my all time favorite bands Type 0 Negative. The lead singer had bipolar and was very prone to severe depression. This song is about that depression and since I talked a bit about darkness leading to depression in this post I thought that this might be an appropriate video:
Idle hands may be the devil's work
Unbridled minds you see are so much worse
Too much pity spent and wasting time
Irresponsibility not my only crime no
Obsessive thinking, depressed drinking
The person i once was, he's dead
Exhume the past this time or be my last
This is my final quest to remove my mask yeah
Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play
Ice blue eyes follow me everywhere i go
Making my heart appear as lead
I hate to wish it but I'll tell you though
That i'm quite ready 'cause I'm already dead
Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play
Don't be afraid as she pulled down the shade
Said there's nothing to fear but the monster is here
So just tell me the time, be it quarter of nine
Since the sun's gone away, now the creature will play
Sunday, October 19, 2014
I Can
In my last entry,' Can depression be useful?' I brought up a few points about how depression could possibly be useful in some ways, such as really hyperfocused problem solving. For myself, my recent bout of depression seemed to really be an effective instigator in finding some solutions to long term issues that have been happening in my life. It seems that when something is a way for a long time we tend to not be able to see that it can be changed, even if the situation is negative. It's like we just resign to situations that don't work for us, even when we would like for them to be different out of habit. I had just resigned to certain things being less than optimal, because in my mind it was just the way things are. I swallowed my feelings about them, and moved on. That can only work for so long before mental health starts deteriorating in some cases where the situations are stressful.
The change in my mental state was a wake up call. It was what I needed to take stock of what mattered, and didn't. What was working, and what wasn't. It was the kick I needed to really reign in my energies, and make some changes that needed to be made.
As I pulled in my energies, and shut everything else down one theme quickly became clear in my life- I really was in desperate need of a break.
The change in my mental state was a wake up call. It was what I needed to take stock of what mattered, and didn't. What was working, and what wasn't. It was the kick I needed to really reign in my energies, and make some changes that needed to be made.
As I pulled in my energies, and shut everything else down one theme quickly became clear in my life- I really was in desperate need of a break.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Breaking the Habit of Perfection Thinking
The other day on my facebook page I said that I was going to work on holding myself to such a high standard of perfection.I tend to hold myself to such a high standard that it's like a constant pressure. You know that feeling when you have a really important project approaching due,date? One that is challenging, and is crucial that it's done well and on time? That's how I live my life, everyday with everything that I do.
I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget. It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful. Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples. I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier. There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.
I'm thinking that I might write them down. Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page? Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see? The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me. That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.
For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance. So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat. The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions? I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too. I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live? Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No. I don't value being depressed and sad. I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties. I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?: I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks. I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be. I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.
Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts. In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise. The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with. The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.
Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day. This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now. I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair. I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.
I think that I've made a few other posts on here about being more mindful about time, and how my thoughts get carried away, but I seem to forget. It's like a good habit that you want to pick up, that you fully intend to incorporate into your day, but somehow it slips away bit by bit, until you don't even realize that you're not keeping up with it at all anymore. I think that I need to work on little chunks at a time to be more successful. Like, instead of just telling myself that I'll be more compassionate with myself, I need to list specific examples. I think that if I continue to involve the daily habit of slowing down my thinking and being easier on myself my world would be infinitely happier. There would be less depression, less anger, less frustration, less anxiety and less meltdowns.
I'm thinking that I might write them down. Maybe put them here, or on my facebook page? Maybe just leave them in a notebook for me to see? The biggest thing is for me to write down the thoughts that come into my head that may be contributing to my feelings of depression and anxiety. Once that I get them on paper, I can see them as their own, without they being apart of me. That moment of separation is key, because when we think something that triggers an emotional reaction, often we are already in the reacting phase without even thinking about whether our thought is true and where it fits in the direction we want our day to go in.
For example, yesterday I had a doctor's appointment. I was terribly restless about being weighed. I was terrified that the doctor would think that I was fat, or say something bad about my appearance. So, I guess I could write it down like this:
Thought: I'm fat. The doctor is going to tell me to diet or the nurse is going to think badly of me for my weight.
What would happen if that actually were true?: I'd feel ashamed of myself for being sub par.
How would this thought and subsequent feeling shape your mood and actions? I'd begin to feel sad, depressed and paranoid that everyone else thought this, too. I might begin to resentfully eat less and exercise more. I might even avoid some social situations due to feeling inadequate.
Is this how you want to live? Is this living the life you value and does these thoughts and subsequent actions push you in the direction of your goals and values?: No. I don't value being depressed and sad. I don't want to avoid people, because of my anxieties. I value being a happy mother and wife and to be the best person I can be.
What thought can you replace it with that might be better in tuned to your personal goals?: I'm not fat. I don't know what the doctor thinks. I'll have to wait and see what happens and what she says to do. There's no use in making up the scenario in my head now and getting upset over something that may never be. I am going to move my energy into something that matters more to me than this.
Also, in some cases I may be able to add something about past experiences to help me move through unwanted thoughts. In this case, my doctor told me to stop losing weight and not to over-exercise. The nurse even said that I was super small, so this time it was an irrational thought to begin with. The next time a weight related anxiety comes up I can try to use this experience as a reference to what thoughts might be better due to the unanimous opinion that this one (while very real and powerful to me) is irrational.
Of course this was just a small taste of the OCD fueled irrational, and anxious thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis making me nervous and feeling so deflated by the end of the day. This would probably not be this way if I'd been raised more compassionately, but nothing I can do about that now. I can't change the past, even if what it left me with is unfair. I can only change how I am and how I deal with things. So, I'm hoping that with some effort things will improve and if you're struggling with a similar problem that things will improve for you, too.
Friday, April 1, 2016
Interrupting My Distraction
A couple of days ago I felt like my agitation with everyday life had reached it's tipping point. Not so much with my family as much as with everything else. There was this constant tightness that rested just beneath the surface in a tense little ball of swirling irritation, nervousness, and sadness that sat in my chest. I knew I needed to do something different, and since Facebook seemed to always make that ball grow, I thought that I needed to take a break from it.
So here I am on day 3 (I think it is?) on my Facebook break. I have checked in twice now at the notifications to be sure I am not missing important messages from the sales groups I belong to, but since I had not I didn't read any of the other notifications. I have not checked in over 24 hours. I do have a few items for sale, so I probably should soon, but I am almost enjoying my small hiatus.
You may be wondering if that ball of tension has reduced since I have taken a Facebook leave of absence. It has, but not really. It has shifted, and it has dispersed into a ton of tiny emotions, as if the ball were made of glass, and it had cracked, and shattered. The pieces went into different directions, and landed in different places, each with their own meanings assigned. As each hour passed I began to feel the significance of each shard of glass from the tension ball.
I began to notice where the pieces lay, and the shape, and sizes of each. As the hours turned into a day I began to feel the ache of piece where they lay inside. I struggled for a distraction, but my usual go to was not available. It was as if I had been using Facebook as an external distraction of my own pain, anguish, upset, anxiety, and every other emotion one could ever feel. Without it I started to examine all the pieces of glass from the ball of tension I'd been carrying for their significance. I realized that a lot of my inner turmoil was something I may have been projecting
So here I am on day 3 (I think it is?) on my Facebook break. I have checked in twice now at the notifications to be sure I am not missing important messages from the sales groups I belong to, but since I had not I didn't read any of the other notifications. I have not checked in over 24 hours. I do have a few items for sale, so I probably should soon, but I am almost enjoying my small hiatus.
You may be wondering if that ball of tension has reduced since I have taken a Facebook leave of absence. It has, but not really. It has shifted, and it has dispersed into a ton of tiny emotions, as if the ball were made of glass, and it had cracked, and shattered. The pieces went into different directions, and landed in different places, each with their own meanings assigned. As each hour passed I began to feel the significance of each shard of glass from the tension ball.
I began to notice where the pieces lay, and the shape, and sizes of each. As the hours turned into a day I began to feel the ache of piece where they lay inside. I struggled for a distraction, but my usual go to was not available. It was as if I had been using Facebook as an external distraction of my own pain, anguish, upset, anxiety, and every other emotion one could ever feel. Without it I started to examine all the pieces of glass from the ball of tension I'd been carrying for their significance. I realized that a lot of my inner turmoil was something I may have been projecting
Monday, December 23, 2013
Feeling Blue This Holiday?
Browsing through my FB feed I came across a blog entry from a mental health blogger that had me thinking. It was yet another one of those sentiments about being happy with what you have, because someone who has way less than you is happy with what they have. That was point, then later in the same article it spoke of not comparing yourself to others.....so... which one is it? Maybe, only compare if you're on the upwards swing, to remind you that you're blessed? While I get that sentiment, and I get the gist I am not on board with it.
While the holidays can be a wonderful time of year, full of giving, love, and family it can also be one of the most stressful times of the year, as well. Not everyone has the money for the giving season. Maybe one doesn't have any family, or friends to spend the holiday with. Maybe they might, but they're not pleasant people. We're not all born to loving parents, and other family members who care, nurture, and support us. Some people suffer seasonal depression that tends to peak around the mark of the winter solstice with short days, and long nights. There's all sorts of reasons why a person might be feeling low, or less than festive around the holiday season.
While the holidays can be a wonderful time of year, full of giving, love, and family it can also be one of the most stressful times of the year, as well. Not everyone has the money for the giving season. Maybe one doesn't have any family, or friends to spend the holiday with. Maybe they might, but they're not pleasant people. We're not all born to loving parents, and other family members who care, nurture, and support us. Some people suffer seasonal depression that tends to peak around the mark of the winter solstice with short days, and long nights. There's all sorts of reasons why a person might be feeling low, or less than festive around the holiday season.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Healing From Family Estrangement- Finding a place for my pain
I have always thought that with enough time and healthy coping skills a person would be able to somehow "get over" or feel free from an abusive childhood. I don't think the term "get over" is quite right here. Maybe find a good space for one's past to fit into, and move on from there in a healthy manner is a better description than "get over". I thought that negative feelings surrounding the subject of my childhood, and my estranged family would eventually cease to affect me if I just worked hard enough at being a healthy person.
I am beginning to think that my previously held beliefs are wrong.
I am beginning to think that my previously held beliefs are wrong.
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