Last night I had this dream about being at an IEP meeting for Bubby. I went to the school to drop something off and I ran into some of next year's staff for Bubby. School was just about to start in the dream. I started trying to chat with them about Bubby and they said "I hope you don't expect the same things as he got last year. This is 5th grade. It's not going to be a cart le blanche of services for him." I didn't know how to respond. I at first, thought that maybe it was just that person. But, I kept running into staff that would say the same things. I finally got upset and yelled "He has an IEP! You can't just pick and choose what services he gets! It's a legally binding document!" To which they replied that they have called a new meeting to re-assess the IEP. I went to the meeting and they said that he no longer qualifies for services. I tried arguing and I got so upset. I couldn't figure out how they could do such a thing! So, I pulled my last punch. I said "Fine! Then I guess I will have to home school him if you will not provide the proper care and services for him!" Then they started high fiving each other! I couldn't believe it! It was such a realistic feeling dream. I left the school feeling overwhelmed as I have no idea how to home school.
I'm guessing all this is symbolizing my jitters for the upcoming school year. I was not even aware I was that nervous about it, but I must be. I think it has to do with the older he gets, the less the teachers tend to go out of their way to aid him. I have no idea who his teacher is going to be next year. Usually, they have that per-determined for him, but not this year. He is getting older and the structure of school changes with each year. I think that I get worried he is getting left behind. I also worry that I will have to home school and that is something I really don't know anything about or want to do. I don't like driving into town (read that as, I have anxiety issues about driving into town so I don't) and I worry that being at home with just me all day will be a not good place for him to be socially.
But, the good news is, it was just a dream! Hopefully, next year will be just fine!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
Being The Rock During The Storm
Today I came across this image from a page I belong to on Facebook.
I really had to spend a moment thinking about what this meant, and how I could apply it to my life. I love praise and to know when I'm getting things right. Who doesn't? I also even more so, hate criticism or blame. I feel a burden of shame, guilt and unworthiness when faced with blame. So, to find logic in those two sets of what appears to be opposite states I would have to concede that I was a different person when one or the other occurs. Am I not the same exact being that I was when I was getting praised at one moment as I am the moment I am feeling blame? Well, yes, of course I am. My true self didn't change. I am still me. So, then what has changed? Maybe the circumstance? Maybe, my emotions? Maybe my perception? Maybe someone else's circumstance, emotions, or perceptions changed in that moment to create their opinion to shift. Either way, it's so important to remember that we are not our feelings. Feelings and judgements are temporary. We might notice the gratitude another gives when they praise us. We may take it in and appreciate the warmth. We may also notice blame when it arrives at our doorstep. It may not be as warm and welcoming as the praise, but it's got it's own place in life. We can invite it to stay and to go. I know that it's just temporary. It's like the storm raging down on the rock. It was there before the storm and it will be there after. It can push back, using up energy uselessly, or it can just sit and know that this too, shall pass. The praised me is just as valid as the blamed me. I strive to be the rock. Wise and grounded.
I really had to spend a moment thinking about what this meant, and how I could apply it to my life. I love praise and to know when I'm getting things right. Who doesn't? I also even more so, hate criticism or blame. I feel a burden of shame, guilt and unworthiness when faced with blame. So, to find logic in those two sets of what appears to be opposite states I would have to concede that I was a different person when one or the other occurs. Am I not the same exact being that I was when I was getting praised at one moment as I am the moment I am feeling blame? Well, yes, of course I am. My true self didn't change. I am still me. So, then what has changed? Maybe the circumstance? Maybe, my emotions? Maybe my perception? Maybe someone else's circumstance, emotions, or perceptions changed in that moment to create their opinion to shift. Either way, it's so important to remember that we are not our feelings. Feelings and judgements are temporary. We might notice the gratitude another gives when they praise us. We may take it in and appreciate the warmth. We may also notice blame when it arrives at our doorstep. It may not be as warm and welcoming as the praise, but it's got it's own place in life. We can invite it to stay and to go. I know that it's just temporary. It's like the storm raging down on the rock. It was there before the storm and it will be there after. It can push back, using up energy uselessly, or it can just sit and know that this too, shall pass. The praised me is just as valid as the blamed me. I strive to be the rock. Wise and grounded.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Guilt and Self Blame The Perfect Recipe For Depression?
Today, as I was cleaning out my email of various news alerts that I get on a few subjects I came across this article Was Freud Right About Depression and Guilt? It talks about using an FMRi machine to track brain activity in people as they imagine a scenario of being rude or bossy to another person. The findings were of significance in that the brains of people who are prone to or that have been depressed there was not the same amount of activity in both the the anterior temporal lobe ( part that measures socially appropriate behavior) the subgenual region of the brain ( area that measures feelings of guilt ) as there was in the other control group who were not prone to depression. This is suggestive that depression may rise from more than just normal sadness, and be in part caused by feelings of guilt and self-blame. People with depression may not be linking up their 'bad' behavior with the feelings of guilt appropriately , thus leaving them to assign blame to themselves for things that aren't their fault.
I would say that in my experience, this could very well be true. I would also surmise that it could be a case of chicken and the egg, as well. Did the depression occur first, tainting everything, or was it this underlying brain difference that ultimately lead to the depression? I am also wondering if this over-reaching guilt and self blame causes damage in the long run to thinking patterns becoming more permanent? Like, ruminating over the perceived bad behavior might cause the problem to grow and become rooted in the person's mind as an unshakable truth, rather than a theory. I would also think this would cause issues in the person's relationships. Being overly apologetic and ready to accept blame would be likely to attract a kind of partner and friends that would be willing to let you carry it. Manipulative sorts of people might be drawn in by your willingness to accept the blame for all that went wrong the relationship. This would almost reinforce your feelings of guilt, sadness, and possible low self worth.
I know in my life, that I have been the "I'm sorry" person. The one that said that as almost a knee jerk reaction to everything, whether it was my fault or not. This gives me something to think about in terms of how I view myself in situations where I think I may have behaved badly. The guilt that seems to be so often a part of the relationship equation may just be the way I tend to go with my thought process and something I can learn from. It may just be worth keeping in mind the next time I assign myself blame that I could be overdoing it.
I would say that in my experience, this could very well be true. I would also surmise that it could be a case of chicken and the egg, as well. Did the depression occur first, tainting everything, or was it this underlying brain difference that ultimately lead to the depression? I am also wondering if this over-reaching guilt and self blame causes damage in the long run to thinking patterns becoming more permanent? Like, ruminating over the perceived bad behavior might cause the problem to grow and become rooted in the person's mind as an unshakable truth, rather than a theory. I would also think this would cause issues in the person's relationships. Being overly apologetic and ready to accept blame would be likely to attract a kind of partner and friends that would be willing to let you carry it. Manipulative sorts of people might be drawn in by your willingness to accept the blame for all that went wrong the relationship. This would almost reinforce your feelings of guilt, sadness, and possible low self worth.
I know in my life, that I have been the "I'm sorry" person. The one that said that as almost a knee jerk reaction to everything, whether it was my fault or not. This gives me something to think about in terms of how I view myself in situations where I think I may have behaved badly. The guilt that seems to be so often a part of the relationship equation may just be the way I tend to go with my thought process and something I can learn from. It may just be worth keeping in mind the next time I assign myself blame that I could be overdoing it.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Safety Solutions-Repost To Include Important Info
I don't normally re-blog my own posts, but I am going to make an exception with this one As many of you probably already know, we had a Wandering scare with our nonverbal son, Beans a few months ago. I wrote a post afterwards with details about how to keep our wandering loved ones safe. Safety Solutions For Autism and Other Developmental Disabilities . I was contacted by one of the site owners of Smart911 requesting to be added to the post and my blog. I thought this service was so valuable that I wanted to share it with as many as possible. The original post has too many links to allow for a quick copy and paste. I have edited it to add the 911 information, but couldn't move the whole post to the beginning of the blog without rewriting the whole thing again. So, please visit The Safety Solutions Post and check out Smart911's page. Thank you!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Perceiving Beauty
I had an odd dream the night before last. I only remember parts of it. It was one of those kinds that the colors are faded and kinda tinted or washed out. That's how things often look to me when I'm depressed. Everything literally looks faded to me. When I begin to notice that happening I know it's a warning of sorts to get myself moving in a positive direction before things get too dismal.
Anyway, in the dream I felt overwhelmed with responsibility. I was carrying one of my kids around and trying to make phone calls. They were all very important calls. If they weren't made things wouldn't get taken care of and my family would be without. It just had the feeling of everything being almost an emergency and me not having the time to even prioritize anything.
I was in a house I used to live in before we moved to our current house 5 years ago. While I was walking through the living room I peered out of the big window. As a walked past the image changed. At first when I looked everything looked dead and bleak. It was all dull with big weeds growing in tall brown grass. But, then as I walked a little further and looked from another direction it looked different. I could still see the same grass and the same weeds, but the sun was brighter and shining through the puffs of dandelions. I could see the white wisps of the dandelions blowing gently in the wind, and I said out loud in my dream "When I look at at things this way, I see a dead, overgrown yard, but when I look at it from another point of view I see the beauty in the weeds. I see the seeds are floating away to make new flowers for later, even if things look dead now. It is the cycle of nature. It just depends on how you look at it what you see." My mother was there and I asked her to look to see if she could see the same. She could not. She thought I was being crazy, but that was okay with me. I knew what I saw and I knew it was beautiful.
This morning when I woke up, things seemed lighter. The sun was sunnier, the coffee was yummier, the day seemed longer. It was as if a light was turned on and my perception was better, more accurate, more sharp. I don't know what happened, but I'm glad it did.
Anyway, in the dream I felt overwhelmed with responsibility. I was carrying one of my kids around and trying to make phone calls. They were all very important calls. If they weren't made things wouldn't get taken care of and my family would be without. It just had the feeling of everything being almost an emergency and me not having the time to even prioritize anything.
I was in a house I used to live in before we moved to our current house 5 years ago. While I was walking through the living room I peered out of the big window. As a walked past the image changed. At first when I looked everything looked dead and bleak. It was all dull with big weeds growing in tall brown grass. But, then as I walked a little further and looked from another direction it looked different. I could still see the same grass and the same weeds, but the sun was brighter and shining through the puffs of dandelions. I could see the white wisps of the dandelions blowing gently in the wind, and I said out loud in my dream "When I look at at things this way, I see a dead, overgrown yard, but when I look at it from another point of view I see the beauty in the weeds. I see the seeds are floating away to make new flowers for later, even if things look dead now. It is the cycle of nature. It just depends on how you look at it what you see." My mother was there and I asked her to look to see if she could see the same. She could not. She thought I was being crazy, but that was okay with me. I knew what I saw and I knew it was beautiful.This morning when I woke up, things seemed lighter. The sun was sunnier, the coffee was yummier, the day seemed longer. It was as if a light was turned on and my perception was better, more accurate, more sharp. I don't know what happened, but I'm glad it did.
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