Conversations With Bubby- All About Food

As I have mentioned on FB Page, Bubby and CJ are out of town visiting with their grandpa.  I haven't talked to him much while he's been gone. I text everyday and all seems to be going well, so I have left well alone. One thing I was telling Hubby about earlier today was that I don't miss all the food questions all day. Mostly in the form of when do I get to eat bacon?
The questions usually look something like this:

"Can I have bacon for breakfast?"
"Can I have just bacon for breakfast?"( The answer is always no.)
"Can I have the leftover bacon for a snack/supper?" (here too)
"Who is going to eat the leftover bacon?" 
"Why can't we have bacon everyday?"

Literally, this is the questions I hear everyday.   So, it was no surprise that tonight his main questions were about meal planning. Though, I did find it a bit surprising that he didn't talk about bacon once. It went like this:

Him: What do you think we should do when I get home?
Me: I don't know. What do you think we should do?
Him: I think we should go out for pizza to celebrate me being home.
Me: Well, we will have to ask dad and grandpa about that. Maybe.
Him: What did you have for supper?
Me: Me and dad had sub sandwiches and salads and Beans had pizza and cucumber with olives.
Him: I'm glad I wasn't there for sub sandwiches. We had Sonic for lunch. (He then tells me in detail what everybody ate) For breakfast we had these twisted doughnuts. It was good. (Doughnuts aren't allowed for breakfast here unless it's a special occasion.)

This kid is all of 59 pounds at the age of 10 1/2.  You'd think he was huge with his obsession with food, but he is just the opposite. I think food is sort of an anxiety for him. He is always worried that there is going to be something served that he won't like and somehow that will be just a catastrophe for him, even though I never make him eat food he hates, or go without.  He asks me everyday as soon as he sees me after school what we're having for dinner. During the summer, he asks as soon as lunch is done.  He studies the school lunch menu like it's of the utmost importance. At the end of the school year last year they had chicken nuggets on an unspecified day. I had sent him with a lunch not knowing about the nuggets. He had such a meltdown that they let him eat a school lunch.

He is just so funny sometimes with his little quirks. They are what makes him him. :-)

IEP Nightmare

Last night I had this dream about being at an IEP meeting for Bubby. I went to the school to drop something off and I ran into some of next year's staff for Bubby. School was just about to start in the dream. I started trying to chat with them about Bubby and they said "I hope you don't expect the same things as he got last year. This is 5th grade. It's not going to be a cart le blanche of services for him."  I didn't know how to respond.  I at first, thought that maybe it was just that person. But, I kept running into staff that would say the same things.  I finally got upset and yelled "He has an IEP! You can't just pick and choose what services he gets! It's a legally binding document!" To which they replied that they have called a new meeting to re-assess the IEP. I went to the meeting and they said that he no longer qualifies for services. I tried arguing and I got so upset. I couldn't figure out how they could do such a thing!  So, I pulled my last punch. I said "Fine! Then I guess I will have to home school him if you will not provide the proper care and services for him!" Then they started high fiving each other! I couldn't believe it! It was such a realistic feeling dream.  I left the school feeling overwhelmed as I have no idea how to home school. 

I'm guessing all this is symbolizing my jitters for the upcoming school year.  I was not even aware I was that nervous about it, but I must be.  I think it has to do with the older he gets, the less the teachers tend to go out of their way to aid him. I have no idea who his teacher is going to be next year. Usually, they have that per-determined for him, but not this year.  He is getting older and the structure of school changes with each year. I think that I get worried he is getting left behind. I also worry that I will have to home school and that is something I really don't know anything about or want to do. I don't like driving into town (read that as, I have anxiety issues about driving into town so I don't) and I worry that being at home with just me all day will be a not good place for him to be socially.

But, the good news is, it was just a dream! Hopefully, next year will be just fine!

Being The Rock During The Storm

Today I came across this image from a page I belong to on Facebook.

I really had to spend a moment thinking about what this meant, and how I could apply it to my life.  I love praise and to know when I'm getting things right. Who doesn't? I also even more so, hate criticism or blame.  I feel a burden of shame, guilt and unworthiness when faced with blame. So, to find logic in those two sets of what appears to be opposite states I would have to concede that I was a different person when one or the other occurs.  Am I not the same exact being that I was when I was getting praised at one moment as I am the moment I am feeling blame?  Well, yes, of course I am.  My true self didn't change. I am still me. So, then what has changed? Maybe the circumstance?  Maybe, my emotions? Maybe my perception?  Maybe someone else's circumstance, emotions, or perceptions changed in that moment to create their opinion to shift.  Either way, it's so important to remember that we are not our feelings. Feelings and judgements are temporary.  We might notice the gratitude another gives when they praise us. We may take it in and appreciate the warmth. We may also notice blame when it arrives at our doorstep.  It may not be as warm and welcoming as the praise, but it's got it's own place in life. We can invite it to stay and to go. I know that it's just temporary. It's like the storm raging down on the rock.  It was there before the storm and it will be there after.  It can push back, using up energy uselessly, or it can just sit and know that this too, shall pass.  The praised me is just as valid as the blamed me. I strive to be the rock. Wise and grounded.

Guilt and Self Blame The Perfect Recipe For Depression?

Today, as I was cleaning out my email of various news alerts that I get on a few subjects I came across this article Was Freud Right About Depression and Guilt?   It talks about using an FMRi machine to track brain activity in people as they imagine a scenario of being rude or bossy to another person.  The findings were of significance in that the brains of people who are prone to or that have been depressed there was not the same amount of activity in both the  the anterior temporal lobe ( part that measures socially appropriate behavior) the subgenual region of the brain  ( area that measures feelings of guilt ) as there was in the other control group who were not prone to depression. This is suggestive that depression may rise from more than just normal sadness, and be in part caused by feelings of guilt and self-blame.  People with depression may not be linking up their 'bad' behavior with the feelings of guilt appropriately , thus leaving them to assign blame to themselves for things that aren't their fault.

I would say that in my experience, this could very well be true.  I would also surmise that it could be a case of chicken and the egg, as well.  Did the depression occur first, tainting everything, or was it this underlying brain difference that ultimately lead to the depression?  I am also wondering if this over-reaching guilt and self blame causes damage in the long run to thinking patterns becoming more permanent?  Like, ruminating over the perceived bad behavior might cause the problem to grow and become rooted in the person's mind as an unshakable truth, rather than a theory. I would also think this would cause issues in the person's relationships.  Being overly apologetic and ready to accept blame would be likely to attract a kind of partner and friends that would be willing to let you carry it.  Manipulative sorts of people might be drawn in by your willingness to accept the blame for all that went wrong the relationship.  This would almost reinforce your feelings of guilt, sadness, and possible low self worth.

I know in my life, that I have been the "I'm sorry" person.  The one that said that as almost a knee jerk reaction to everything, whether it was my fault or not.  This gives me something to think about in terms of how I view myself in situations where I think I may have behaved badly. The guilt that seems to be so often a part of the relationship equation may just be the way I tend to go with my thought process and something I can learn from.  It may just be worth keeping in mind the next time I assign myself blame that I could be overdoing it.

Safety Solutions-Repost To Include Important Info

I don't normally re-blog my own posts, but I am going to make an exception with this one  As many of you probably already know, we had a Wandering scare with our nonverbal son, Beans a few months ago.  I wrote a post afterwards with details about how to keep our wandering loved ones safe. Safety Solutions For Autism and Other Developmental Disabilities .  I was contacted by one of the site owners of  Smart911 requesting to be added to the post and my blog.  I thought this service was so valuable that I wanted to share it with as many as possible. The original post has too many links to allow for a quick copy and paste.  I have edited it to add the 911 information, but couldn't move the whole post to the beginning of the blog without rewriting the whole thing again.  So, please visit The Safety Solutions Post and check out Smart911's page. Thank you!