Processing Change & Almost Depression Days

Today is going to be one of those days where I need to keep moving, even if I don't want to. I will have to push myself, as I can feel the energy, and optimism slowly creeping out, as darkness, and self-doubt creep in.

These days are processing days. Days that I need to do, as my mind processes all that has happened recently. That is how my brain works. It often downloads in the background as I do other tasks. Kind of hard to explain, but much like a computer updating software. I take in lots of info, but it doesn't quite 'download' right away.

It takes a lot of my energy to try to take in a lot of new changes, and information. This energy has to come from somewhere. For me, it often comes from my mood, and forsakes efficient cognitive processing for daily tasks.  Mostly my mood, though.

Days like today are days long with dysthymia.  Dull, color faded, melancholy days that are drawn out. I make myself keep moving through it, because if I sit, and think too long that negative voice gets too loud to block out.

Quick Points for Effective #Autism Advocacy

Since Beans school incident recently I have become all that much more aware of how school improperly handles children with needs they don't understand.  I am seeing a re-occurring theme that I find so unsettling.

It's the over-correction, under-supportive, non compassionate, non empathetic way that schools often view, and treat our children.

It seems so common that I find most parents don't even notice it.  They just see the way their child is treated as the way it is.  It doesn't have to be. Most find what happened to my son to be appalling, but what they don't understand is that if their child is being restrained at any point in their day that could easily be their child.

I have written a lot about behavior supports, and such, and will include those entries at the end of this entry for a reference to those that may not have seen it. As a quick reference, here are some points I'd like people to remember when dealing with the school, and autistic children.

* If your child is struggling in any way with school personnel, and behavior request a Functional Behavior Assessment. Don't think that it would cause too much trouble, or think that just because a certain para is working with your child that they'll be okay. Don't let the school make you feel that they're doing so much that you should be grateful, and not ask for more. That was the biggest mistake I made, by far.

What If I Can?- letting go of the belief that I am limited

There are events that occur in our lives that change our path to something radically different in just a few minutes, or hours.  Last month, one of those life changing events happened to my family.

When Beans came home from school hurt on the 10th of last month my journey as a mother took a sharp turn.  I pulled everything to a halt, as I searched for answers as to what happened, and what I can do to help Beans get the education he has a right to receive.  I didn't count on the odds being stacked against us. I didn't anticipate so much hostility from the people that are supposed to educate my child, and have his best interests at heart. The shocking amount of covering up for each other, and adversarial nature of all involved was a life lesson I wish I never got.

As my biggest fears were realized in this situation I realized something else. I realized that my biggest, most tallest fear was that I was incapable. The way in which I underestimated who I am, and what I can do is by far my biggest weakness, and my biggest fear producer.

I realized that in this moment of adversity I could fight it, and get stuck on the part where we are the victim, or I could move forward on this path that I have been suddenly thrust upon.  I began to see the new situation, and the new found path as a journey full of opportunity, borne of unfortunate circumstance.

The Next Chapter- #autism and #injustice

If you're unfamiliar with the entire story you can get up to speed here  and  here .

I'm sitting in a blissfully quiet house sipping coffee, contemplating my day, my week, and what to do next after a devastating outcome to what appears to be the final meeting with Bean's special ed provider at school.

I was not able to persuade them to allow Beans to go to another school. They stated it violates Least Restrictive Environment, due to the other structured learning room being further away than the one he was attending. I know that there will be 20 comments about how I can fight that, but their wording, and their reasoning doesn't have to make sense. I had 2 of the best advocates in my entire state helping me through this. If there was a way to fight effectively against our special ed coop they would have done so. If there was words to use, and ways to fight that wouldn't be wasting my time, and money they'd have jumped on that opportunity. The fact is, our local special ed coop is run pretty much like our government. We all know they're not doing things right by the people, but there isn't much we can do. We can take it to the courts, where their friends, and acquaintances work, and there is rarely ever a judgment in the parent's favor. Government agencies rarely like to step on the toes of other agencies.

With that being said, I am of course going to go forth with reporting the misconduct of the whole situation to

I Found My Courage

After some silent time of contemplation, I am back. 

During that time I thought about what is happening in my life right now, and what it means. The simple fact is, I am a natural born writer, and thinker, but not one that likes spotlights, and controversy.  I like to share, but from a quiet corner. I know that many of have urged me to go to the media with this latest awful situation with Beans, but I have to say that is my last resort, because it is so far out there in my comfort zone that I would literally have to left with no other options, besides defeat. To be honest, I'd almost rather accept defeat than to be on TV talking about such a high conflict situation that is going to bring fire down onto my family.

I don't handle high conflict situations well. What else that I don't handle well is situations where there is a very serious social injustice.  So, I feel that in this case, I am dealing with it whether I want to or not. It's on my doorstep, and isn't going anywhere.I can buck up, and stand my ground, or cower. The consequences for standing up will be harsh. I will be subjected to scrutiny, and I will lose friends, and alliances. Making noise, and being the proverbial whistle blower is not an easy task to carry through.

I thought about all these things the last couple days. I gathered up all of my strength to make the decision to carry on. I have made note of the close friends, and family I thought I had that have not been supportive. I make no apologies to the people that want to get their panties in a bunch when I don't take their advice, or ask them politely not to do something on my personal facebook page. They want to think of only themselves, then that is their right to be selfish, and petty. Fuck them. I won't let them bring me down any longer.

So, I am back. Rested, and ready to go forward, even in the face of adversity. I have to stand up for what is right for Beans, and for all the other kids that this situation has, or will have happened to.


"Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable... Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.
Martin Luther King, Jr."