I have been doing some posting about time management and how more is not necessarily better in this post. I have been monitoring my own behavior when it comes to my daily routines and what I seem to feel is important and what I stress over. (I think if I listed what I don't stress over the list would be shorter!) As well, as what seems to follow most parents, especially parents with special needs kids. You know that feeling that you get at the end of the day when the kids are about to go to bed, or perhaps after.... the one that nags in the depth of the back of your mind all day. Lurking, but not terribly vocal, but always present. Guilt. The feeling that maybe you could have, should have, would have done more. You read a blog from a parent where they have it all together. They did therapy for all 7 of their special needs kids, made 3 gluten free from scratch, homemade meals, went to lunch with their friends, potty trained one child, house is cleaned and even had the time to write about it in their award winning blog before they go to bed.
Maybe, the above is an exaggeration, but still.... I think there are several of us parents with special needs kids that feel that way at the end of the day. I carry this narrative around all day that I tell myself all these negative, half baked truths about what other moms are and what I must be compared to them. The story that I tell myself is familiar, but not useful for a calm, mindful parent that I'd like to be. When I come down hard on myself and expect a certain level of unattainable perfection I am grumpy, short, and snappy. When one feels bad on the inside you will reflect that on the outside, no matter how much we think our feelings and emotions are ours alone to contend with.
I have been telling myself these stories with my thoughts for so many years that it's automatic. I had to really put some effort to go off of autopilot to examine my thoughts. It's been an experience for me to mindfully look at what I believe and really question the truth to it. To hold up my own thoughts and examine them. Before, I didn't think much about them, nor did I question them. I just bought my thoughts as true. My reality. But, what if they weren't true? How will I know? What is the test? Is there such a thing as true or false with thoughts and feelings?
And, so with Mindfulness and the ACT therapy I have been studying comes in handy here. Let's break this down using a common thought or two of mine that is less than positive....
"I didn't take Beans to the bathroom today to practice potty training"
Now, the above thought can be replaced with, I didn't try to incorporate enough signs in his day, or engage him enough, or exert enough effort in making sure I somehow snuck enough nutrition into his diet. As well, as with my other son, maybe I felt I didn't write a social story to explain something to him better, or socialize him more, or practice emotion cards with him... the list is really endless...But, back to breaking down the italicized thought above. Who's voice is this? Is it mine? Or is it someone from my past that may have always said critical things to me? Do I like this story, or benefit from it? Is it helpful? How does this make me feel and does it motivate me to be the self I want to be in order to meet my own goals and values?
After I have asked myself the questions above I come to the realization that this is not my voice, I don't like how it makes me feel and it's not helpful to me. It's not necessarily bad or wrong, but also not a thought that I am buying into as something that is representative of me. I notice the thought and let it go without reaction. I can't be perfect. I'm human with limitations and feelings. The kind of mother I want to be is one who is happy, relaxed, and confident. I can't be her when I'm buying the stories that I spoke about above. I have to make a choice and a conscious decision as to what kind of parent I can be vs the kind of parent I think I ought to be.
This isn't to say that sometimes we don't have to make changes and do thing differently. The diet that I often speak of in this blog was a big change and one that required effort. I didn't lose weight by simply being upset at myself, though. I vowed to make some real changes, because I felt that I needed that to happen to be the person I want to be. I am not berating and depriving myself of treats and freedom, but rather eating better. I don't chastise myself into dieting, because that never works. Same with parenting. Truth be told, Beans is in the very early stages potty training and isn't cognitively or physically ready to be trained yet. Myself, and the staff that work with him are just acclimating him to the toilet by introducing it slowly. The fact that I didn't take him very much, or at all for that matter, isn't a big deal and I shouldn't make it one inside of my mind when it's time for me to relax. Letting myself be, in the moment without judgment is a difficult task, but worth the practice.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
When "just not a math person" doesn't add up: Dyscalculia and what it means for kids
http://chicagoparent.com/magazines/chicago-parent/2011-august/back-to-school-special-section/discalculia-math-disability
Above is a link to a site that describes something called Dyscalculia. It is basically like dyslexia, except for words and letters, its math and numbers. I think I may have this. I have always struggled with math, and I still do, though with lots of practice it is better. Good enough to get through the day. I think most of that was strenuous practice when I was a cashier. There was one place I worked at where I was required to count change back to the dollar before they let me on the register. Not only that, but I was trained with a group. This was extra incentive to get it right. So, I bought a bag of play money, went home and practiced it. Even if my register broke I could, without error, count back your change to the dollar even to this day.
As a child, I really struggled through math tasks. When I had to work, I had to rely on counting on my fingers, which was very frowned upon by my second grade teacher.It got to the point to where she recommended I be tested for special ed. Even though this was 20 yrs ago, they did special ed testing quite a lot the same as today. I was tested in all areas and when was all said and done I was found to be gifted, with the exception of math, of course. The school forgot all about my math issues and focused on the where I can get my needs met in all the other areas. Which was okay, because I was just as bored in class as they thought I to be after seeing where I was academically. The school I attended was very small and didn't have a gifted program for grade school students, so the faculty tried to move me up a grade in effort to alleviate my boredom. I as a young aspie child was vehemently opposed to such a drastic change. So, I remained in the same grade, but without any aid in my math skills, which seemed more and more behind with each passing year. By the time I got to algebra I was failing. I had no concept of what to do and no amount of extra tutoring seemed to help. I wish that I had gotten the extra help when I was young. I get by, but still count on my fingers. ;)
Above is a link to a site that describes something called Dyscalculia. It is basically like dyslexia, except for words and letters, its math and numbers. I think I may have this. I have always struggled with math, and I still do, though with lots of practice it is better. Good enough to get through the day. I think most of that was strenuous practice when I was a cashier. There was one place I worked at where I was required to count change back to the dollar before they let me on the register. Not only that, but I was trained with a group. This was extra incentive to get it right. So, I bought a bag of play money, went home and practiced it. Even if my register broke I could, without error, count back your change to the dollar even to this day.
As a child, I really struggled through math tasks. When I had to work, I had to rely on counting on my fingers, which was very frowned upon by my second grade teacher.It got to the point to where she recommended I be tested for special ed. Even though this was 20 yrs ago, they did special ed testing quite a lot the same as today. I was tested in all areas and when was all said and done I was found to be gifted, with the exception of math, of course. The school forgot all about my math issues and focused on the where I can get my needs met in all the other areas. Which was okay, because I was just as bored in class as they thought I to be after seeing where I was academically. The school I attended was very small and didn't have a gifted program for grade school students, so the faculty tried to move me up a grade in effort to alleviate my boredom. I as a young aspie child was vehemently opposed to such a drastic change. So, I remained in the same grade, but without any aid in my math skills, which seemed more and more behind with each passing year. By the time I got to algebra I was failing. I had no concept of what to do and no amount of extra tutoring seemed to help. I wish that I had gotten the extra help when I was young. I get by, but still count on my fingers. ;)
Sanity Test-How Sane Are You?
I took the Sanity Score test at http://www.sanityscore.com/ . My score was 75 out of a possible 200 something. The lower the score supposedly the more 'sane' one is! lol It declared me sane, but with two areas that need work, self-esteem was the highest followed by anxiety, even suggesting I have an anxiety disorder, which I have been diagnosed with. The anxiety was indicated by obsessions and compulsions, which here again, is quite true. It's fun and free, so go ahead and take it. If you do, please come back and share your results and thoughts on the test.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Time and to-do lists Part Two:
In the last blog post I talked a little bit about how we schedule our days with more than can reasonably fit. Some by choice, some by necessity. As I mentioned, some of us don't have the time energy and money to be able to do what we would like. Some people work 14 hour days not because they want to, but because some people have to. Some of us with special needs kids don't have respite or family to help. There is no 'outsourcing in childcare' as one article put it. So, as I write about slowing down and being more in the moment I am also sympathetic to those in society that for a variety of reasons don't have the resources to pick and choose their schedules with ease. I am one of those people and I am well aware of the conditions when money and time is finite.
I think what I have noticed in myself as I try to be more flexible in my routines (no easy feat for an stubborn aspie such as myself) is that I worry too much about what others think, or what may happen if I don't get X task done. I also feel a constant need for perfection. I feel I have failed if I don't live up to certain expectations that I have set for myself. These expectations are always unattainable by any human. I am almost guaranteed to fail. Self compassion and a dose of realistic thinking can go a long way in making my life more content just by giving myself a break. Will I always remember to take my 7 yo (who is in the beginning stages of potty training) to the bathroom several times a day? Or remember to get use his special therapy cup to enhance learning to drink from a regular cup vs a sippy? Or, the slow, slow, slow process of exposure to the hair clippers daily? Or to stop and make him sign for simple things? How about all the social stories and emotion cards that are never printed for Bubby? Or the tutoring for CJ's dyslexia? I do remember most of those thing most of the time, but not all of them all of the time.
I am finding that as I realize that my part of my own downfall is my attachment to perfection. As I let go of what I think I *should* be or *should* do life is getting fuller and more enjoyable. I have lived my life from a view of distance rather than being in the moment feeling fully in tune with what I am doing. Just being aware of how the choices that I make in my day to day life can make all the difference in leading what I would like to call a fulfilled life. I try to rank importance of tasks relative to time. What will make the most difference is 5 days, weeks, or months? How much does having my house dust free matter vs taking the kids to the pool daily? What will matter more in the long run? I have to be aware that it's unlikely for me to do both all the time. Once I have gotten rid of that illusion the choices seem more clear.
I think what I have noticed in myself as I try to be more flexible in my routines (no easy feat for an stubborn aspie such as myself) is that I worry too much about what others think, or what may happen if I don't get X task done. I also feel a constant need for perfection. I feel I have failed if I don't live up to certain expectations that I have set for myself. These expectations are always unattainable by any human. I am almost guaranteed to fail. Self compassion and a dose of realistic thinking can go a long way in making my life more content just by giving myself a break. Will I always remember to take my 7 yo (who is in the beginning stages of potty training) to the bathroom several times a day? Or remember to get use his special therapy cup to enhance learning to drink from a regular cup vs a sippy? Or, the slow, slow, slow process of exposure to the hair clippers daily? Or to stop and make him sign for simple things? How about all the social stories and emotion cards that are never printed for Bubby? Or the tutoring for CJ's dyslexia? I do remember most of those thing most of the time, but not all of them all of the time.
I am finding that as I realize that my part of my own downfall is my attachment to perfection. As I let go of what I think I *should* be or *should* do life is getting fuller and more enjoyable. I have lived my life from a view of distance rather than being in the moment feeling fully in tune with what I am doing. Just being aware of how the choices that I make in my day to day life can make all the difference in leading what I would like to call a fulfilled life. I try to rank importance of tasks relative to time. What will make the most difference is 5 days, weeks, or months? How much does having my house dust free matter vs taking the kids to the pool daily? What will matter more in the long run? I have to be aware that it's unlikely for me to do both all the time. Once I have gotten rid of that illusion the choices seem more clear.
Time and to-do lists Part One:
There was something I noticed while trolling the many news feeds and such that I frequently read... there were many that were telling me how to get the most out of my day. How to maximize my whole time potential, like in this article here . I think if this woman was off her schedule by 10 minutes her whole day would probably fall apart. Every minute seems planned and accounted for. It seems that there are some that have that kind of control over their resources to be able to strategically plan that way. Living with autistic children don't always go to plan, so making myself a priority in every waking moment of my pre-planned day would not work. No matter how many spreadsheets of data I take on how I spend my time and how many 10 minute intervals that I allot myself to think. (rolls eyes) Who schedules time in to think? And, how have we become this multi-tasking society that pencils in every waking moment of everyday with tasks and activities?
That's not to say that the article isn't without a few good ideas. I do think it's worthwhile if you've not ever done it (especially if you're not a routine oriented person) to get out a notebook, spreadsheet, whatever and document your day in 15 minute intervals. How much time do you really spend on Facebook? How about in front of the TV? Or any of the many other activities that fit in your day. Knowing this information is important in deciding if you're living your days out to what matters most to you, or if you're just drifting by doing things that hold little meaning for you while wondering where your time goes. Or feeling that nag of boredom.
I have slowly started to adopt the approach that less is more when I am looking at my schedule. Like in this article about slowing down I am realizing that I am not more fulfilled when I do more. Sure, there are days where I get a ton of errands or housework done, but there are also days where my energy wanes and that's okay, too. Accomplishment feels good, but when is it that our lives became are about a monumental list of tasks to tick off? When does that feeling of accomplishment feel like a dog chasing his tail?
To be continued in the Next Post
That's not to say that the article isn't without a few good ideas. I do think it's worthwhile if you've not ever done it (especially if you're not a routine oriented person) to get out a notebook, spreadsheet, whatever and document your day in 15 minute intervals. How much time do you really spend on Facebook? How about in front of the TV? Or any of the many other activities that fit in your day. Knowing this information is important in deciding if you're living your days out to what matters most to you, or if you're just drifting by doing things that hold little meaning for you while wondering where your time goes. Or feeling that nag of boredom.
I have slowly started to adopt the approach that less is more when I am looking at my schedule. Like in this article about slowing down I am realizing that I am not more fulfilled when I do more. Sure, there are days where I get a ton of errands or housework done, but there are also days where my energy wanes and that's okay, too. Accomplishment feels good, but when is it that our lives became are about a monumental list of tasks to tick off? When does that feeling of accomplishment feel like a dog chasing his tail?
To be continued in the Next Post
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