I am strolling through Walmart, actually power walking, because that is my usual speed. I round the corner of the cereal aisle, and out of the corner of my eye I see a lady, and a boy. I think to myself that that person looks a bit familiar, but then I am in an area shopping where there's a lot of people I see frequently that I don't know. I get a couple feet away, and I hear "Where is the rest of your family?" It's the lady that I passed. I study her, and her son's face for a moment, and realize she is my husband's cousin. She is offended. I have done this to her before. I try to explain that when I am shopping I am in the zone,and not paying attention. This isn't the first time I have blogged about my Face Blindness. I know that I have made so many social mistakes with this particular person that there is no way to fully recover. I just try to be gracious possible about the incidents, and hope she just thinks I am a bit loopy, and not snobby. It's not personal.
The other times it has happened it was with people I barely was acquainted with. Those situations I can kind of shrug off, because it's not that unusual to not recognize an acquaintance you don't know very well. However, I have known this person for over 16 yrs. I don't see her often, but honestly I should recognize her. As I thought about this after I got home another similar memory came to mind.
It was 15 years ago, just after my daughter was born. I was going out to dinner with my husband, and a big gathering of his family who was visiting. We got in the door, and one of bus boys seemed to take notice of us
for some reason. After we were seated he kept coming over to our table to refill drinks, and take plates, even though he wasn't our waiter. His behavior was odd. It got to the point toward the end of the meal where he was literally leaning up against me while pouring coffee. My husband looked like he might come undone a few times, and once asked him to keep the hot coffee away from our baby. He seemed to be trying to get attention, and I was really confused by the sighs from the other people at the table, and my husband's eye rolls.
We exited the restaurant, as this guy held the door open in what appeared to be the grand finale of attention seeking. My husband kept giving me looks, and at last remarked what a serious ass my ex was later that night. He wanted to know I didn't tell him to go away. I didn't know what he was talking about. Then he explained it to me. The bus boy was my ex-boyfriend, and I had not recognized him! I had no explanation for this at the time. I just kept replaying the incident over, and over in my mind. How could I know someone on such an intimate level, yet not be able to recognize them? How can this happen? Not only that, but other than the guy being too in my space I had not really noticed him much at all. How could I have been so blind? How could I not recognize his voice, his face, or anything?
Since then, I am a little better at noticing the social cues of what's going on around me. Not a lot, but I think I would have noticed that his behavior was out of place now, instead of being oblivious to it like I was then. I still struggle with paying attention to my surroundings, though. That is probably the biggest contributing factor to face blindness, and the awkward situations that I encounter. I simply forget to pay attention to people. I have tunnel vision, and hearing. I block out everything, but what I need to concern myself with. I am sure that part of this is for the sensory overwhelm prevention. The other is just part of autism, I think. I am not concerned with what others are doing. Socially, that piece is just not there. I have walked right past people talking to me numerous times, and have even gotten into trouble at work for ignoring people/bosses as they speak to me. It is embarrassing to hear of these situations secondhand.
Since, this incident I have decided to try to make an effort to actually look up, and around at what's going on around me when out. Try to really see people. Usually I am looking straight ahead, or at my feet. Cars seemingly drive themselves, as I rarely ever look at the drivers. I realized the other day that that is something others always do, and it is a safety thing. God only knows what social info I am missing out on when I don't. It's simply not safe. Others could be communicating with me about something very important on the road, and I wouldn't see it. Of course, if I do this all the time for too long it will be too much. I think the reason I do it is to guard against sensory overwhelm, and it will undoubtedly take my mental, and physical energy to be more socially alert.
If you're on the spectrum have you had similar issues? Do you forget to pay attention to people? Are you Face blind, and if so do you think being inattentive contributes to that?
My mom thinks she can't recognize people's faces because she never really has looked at them. I think I can't recognize people because there is just something non-functional in my facial-recognition circuits. (We're both really horrifically bad with faces. As in, when my boyfriend (of 4 years) gets a haircut (and he never gets dramatic ones, just, I have been lazy and haven't gotten my hair cut so it grew maybe an inch) I can't recognize him. I have failed to recognize my sister in unfamiliar environments (I've pointed her out to other people and said, "oh my sister is wearing that dress tonight too").
ReplyDeleteI also am sometimes really bad at looking at people. But even when I study people, which I do, (thanks facebook), I still am absolutely horrible.
But inability of facial recognition stuff is really interesting.
The reason I think I can is because I am very good at recognizing familiar faces on TV. I can remember any face for more than 25 yrs off of a favorite tv show, even if the person has aged. It's just an odd thing that I am so terribly bad at it in real life. Makes no sense. The only thing that seems different is that in everyday life I usually am not looking at people's faces.
DeleteI have always been oblivious to people I know and drivers, etc. I realize that it isn't always safe to be this way because if something happened, then I may not be able to recognize a face in a lineup. I have to remind myself to look at people more often and not only look, but be more aware. My mind is always filled with things to do and situations to work out. I also practically speed walk to get my mission over with. I would say that I tend to get too focused. It is a good thing when I concentrate to accomplish things, but it can be a disadvantage in many ways also. I can be looking straight in someone's direction and not see them. My eyes scan right over their head! People have even told me that they are waving their arms at me and I still don't see them. Anyway, I will continue to try to make an effort to be more aware, but if someone knows me, then they also have the option to come to me and say hi. Your ex-boyfriend shouldn't have expected much from you, especially since you were with your husband. He also could have said something to you. It's a two-way street. By the way, I enjoy reading your blogs.
ReplyDeleteI have had people say the same thing about the waving of arms. My boyfriend shouldn't have been bothering me at all. Though, I don't know if he knew what to do, because I literally didn't act like I knew who he was, so it was probably hard for him to know how to move to a conversation with me when I am acting like he is a stranger.
DeleteThank you for reading, and commenting! I appreciate it!
There is always a bad eye for people who are quite depressed. These problems are certainly curable. That is a just a result of few excessive or few decreased secretion of few chemicals.
ReplyDeleteThe post was such a nice read.
It's funny, I'm usually very attuned to the people and faces around me, but it doesn't help at all in recognizing friends and loved ones. I am about 99% sure I would recognize my boyfriend in any context (if I ran into him on the street or something), but countless times I have not recognized my brothers (or been able to tell the two apart despite a nine year gap in age between them), my exes, my friends, my classmates, or even my mom. I'll see them waving at me, I'll be able to tell from their confused faces that I'm supposed to know them, but very often I simply can't figure out who they are until I hear their voice, or occasionally until they flat out explicitly tell me. It's awkward to be sure, but it's a neurological process...it's not something to be ashamed of. Now if only I could tell myself not to feel guilt and shame around it too!
ReplyDeleteI kinda doubt that better attention will help me, either. I think it's something we have to learn to accept. Did you know that Brad Pitt has face blindness? He totally does, and just think how many people he meets all the time! When I'm having a hard time with it I just think 'hey, at least I'm not a celeb trying to keep everyone that I meet straight!' lol
DeleteI like this post very much. Keep blogging. I am going to follow this blog.
ReplyDelete