I Wish The World Had a Pause Button

Ever since I was a child I can remember that I can go from being completely happy, and okay with my current situation, to completely overwhelmed, and confused. When this happens the only thought in my mind is to run away.   I need the world to stop, so I can process it. I need people to stop talking, stop moving, stop everything. I need time to pause, so I can recover my wits. Obviously, the problem with this is that the world doesn't stop just because I'd like it to. I wish I could hit pause. I wish the world had a pause button.


I recall the pressure of middle school being the first time I felt this way often.  All this new social stuff being introduced, as well as academics to worry about. The pressure built as I got older, and by high school, I was literally refusing to go to school some days, because I was too tired. This isn't the kind of tired you get from being up too late, or not getting enough sleep.  This is the kind of tired that permeates my entire being, and makes me feel like I am 100 pounds heavier.

This tired still effects me, and my life today.  It is much less often, as I am able to offset it by making my life as autism friendly as possible, but I live in a world that is not always autism friendly. My brain isn't always able to process things, even in the best of environments.

Today is one of those days.  I am tired. I am sad. I feel despair, and loneliness.  I want to withdraw.When I was a teen I didn't know how to express this feeling. I would say that I felt like dying. I never said I was suicidal, but rather that I wanted to die.  I think I didn't really want to die.  I just wanted to get a break from the world. I learned after several times of being hospitalized that one is not to say die, and want to, in the same sentence, because people in my life would overreact. I then would spend my days trying to explain to men in white coats what I really meant, and how I really needed to just go home, because, really I am fine now.  I think this sort of communication mix up is really common in autistic people's lives.  I just had a mother that was very dramatic, and overreacted to everything, so I never learned to self-soothe.  I just learned that if I expressed myself, I would be punished. I would have my freedom taken away. This followed a familiar theme from my childhood, and it didn't make my anxieties, and awkwardness go away.  Instead, it fueled them quietly underneath the surface. I was punished for exhibiting any emotion that didn't fit my parent's agenda. I was to be well behaved, and in control at all times.

Today, I have learned through a lot of hard work how to self-regulate by being self aware.  This is something that I had to work incredibly hard at, and on my own. I know that when I get down like this, I need to take a break from things. I know that despite how I feel there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I just need a day or two to see it. 

Social stuff still overwhelms me. I still don't understand it, and I still never feel like I am included.  I don't know if I am ever going to be able to shake that outside looking in feeling.  On Facebook, I feel like my page isn't all that important. I feel not that important on these days, period.  I run into the same wall I remember running into as a child.  I always thought that if I was nice to others, then they'd like me.  I thought that they'd have no reason not to, because I was always helpful, giving, supportive, and shared my toys.  I still live by those same rules.  Not because I want people to like me, but because I think that's the right way to be.  It doesn't matter, because it seems there is always that one person that doesn't like what you do, or who you are, and will take it to their page, to their friends and tear you down.  They will make a blanket statement about someone not being nice to them (often times they'll say that someone was mean to them by doing x, y or z), and let the awful comments roll in about what kind of person is like that.  The people commenting have no idea what happened, but they'll sure as hell set in on name calling, and whatnot in support of the person starting all the drama.  I have had this happen to me 3 times this week.  None of those times did I do anything to the people in question. I urged one to seek help, because she thought it appropriate to hit her ASD child, another thought I was mocking, and personally attacking her in a status when I was not, and another because I would not agree that we shouldn't judge people that kill their children.  I am tired, and worn out from this.  I am crying, because I don't understand this. I didn't do anything to these people, and I was not nasty, or rude to them during any exchange. I don't understand why people are so mean sometimes. I would never treat other people this way.  It seems that being nice isn't enough for some people. They will still figure out a way to tear others down.  It seems that just holding a different opinion is enough for some, even if that opinion is not in their face.  I suppose it feels threatening to them, for some reason.

I am part of another (new) group in real life that is largely centered around my special interest.  I could be a lot of help to the organization, but once again... I don't understand the social dynamics enough to get noticed, to get involved, and to be someone worth listening to.  My husband says I need to just speak up, but the rest of the group seems to be operating on emotion, and less on facts.  I cannot win there, because they don't always want to hear logic.  I don't understand how this dynamic works, so once again, even in an area where I could shine in, I am left out.

I don't know how to fix this. I just know that I need a break to refocus, and re-align.  I will regain my momentum once again, and be back.


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