I sit here alone, in a house where all I hear is the tick of my clock on the wall. Most hours of the day I can't hear that tick. I forget that this level of quiet exists quite often, to tell the truth. I love to bathe in this silence as I sip coffee in my robe, and go online. It has to be one of my favorite things in life.
Then, the mind traps set in.
I see people doing this, or saying that on Facebook, and elsewhere. I think, "maybe, I ought to do this, or that?" Except, my brain doesn't leave it at that. Nope. My brain keeps moving forward into Shoulds, and coulds, and judgement-oriented fields of opinion where I am the judge, and the jury, as I sit here thinking with a narrow focus, and seriously jaded views. This side-line thinking is dangerous territory. I know it has the power to dismantle my self-esteem, and take my mood to full nosedive. I know this, yet I still find my thoughts creeping to questions like;
Am I doing enough for Bubby socially?
Should I be exposing my kids to more activities?
Do I spend enough time with them? I mean really with them?
Do I do enough to teach Beans?
Should I be enrolling him in _____?
Is this therapy something I should try?
These are not terrible questions in, and of themselves. I do doubt that other parents with "typical" kids have to think about these things as often, but I am sure they think of them. The outcome is not as pressing, and the pressure is not as great for them. If I spend too long thinking about these questions darker ones appear to start floating in along with them.
Am I doing enough with my life?
Have I accomplished enough?
Am I a good enough mother/wife?
What do other moms do?
Am I really contributing anything to society be staying at home with my kids?
Will I ever get into shape, and be the size I want to be?
Is there more than this?
These are just a sample of thoughts that I let drift through my head when I'm alone. It's probable that many of those are things you think about, too. I think we all tend to question things from time to time. I don't know if it's the Asperger's, or if it's just me being an introvert, or even perhaps, it's just me, but I tend to never stop thinking. I don't think about light topics. I don't think about fun things, like what celebrity is doing this or that, or what shoes I want to buy. That's not who I am, or what interests me. My thoughts run deep. I think of the meaning of life, and how everything connects together, morals, ideas, philosophy, ect... All the time, everyday. I suppose these are heavy thoughts, and can lend themselves to depression if I am not careful. Many think I already am depressed, because of this pattern of thinking, but I don't view it that way. I am just always re-evaluating my role in life. Always tweaking, and thinking about how to improve mine, and other's quality of life.
It has taken me years, (and admittedly, I am still not there yet) to be able to ask myself those questions, think about them without judging myself too harshly. I still do from time to time. but I have learned to be honest with myself in what really needs tweaking, and where I am just being too hyper-focused on goals, and being perfect. I'm a goal oriented person. Always in some kind of made up competition with my past self to do better, and be more. I downplay my good qualities, and play up my shortcomings, never pausing to give myself any credit for anything that I do, or am, because in my mind it could always be better, and if there's room for improvement, then I failed. All or nothing thinking, I think it's called.
So, today...instead of taking the quick highway to the corner of 'I Suck Blvd' and 'Inadequacy rd' I wrote this when I started thinking in on the journey. I am feeling productive, and contemplative, but not down, and out.