Tuesday, March 26, 2013


I sit here alone, in a house where all I hear is the tick of my clock on the wall.  Most hours of the day I can't hear that tick. I forget that this level of quiet exists quite often, to tell the truth.  I love to bathe in this silence as I sip coffee in my robe, and go online. It has to be one of my favorite things in life.

Then, the mind traps set in.

I see people doing this, or saying that on Facebook, and elsewhere.  I think, "maybe, I ought to do this, or that?" Except, my brain doesn't leave it at that. Nope. My brain keeps moving forward into Shoulds, and coulds, and judgement-oriented fields of opinion where I am the judge, and the jury, as I sit here thinking with a narrow focus, and seriously jaded views.  This side-line thinking is dangerous territory. I know it has the power to dismantle my self-esteem, and take my mood to full nosedive.  I know this, yet I still find my thoughts creeping to questions like;

Am I doing enough for Bubby socially?
Should I be exposing my kids to more activities?
Do I spend enough time with them? I mean really with them?
Do I do enough to teach Beans?
Should I be enrolling him in _____?
Is this therapy something I should try?

These are not terrible questions in, and of themselves. I do doubt that other parents with "typical" kids have to think about these things as often, but I am sure they think of them. The outcome is not as pressing, and the pressure is not as great for them. If I spend too long thinking about these questions darker ones appear to start floating in along with them.

Am I doing enough with my life?
Have I accomplished enough?
Am I a good enough mother/wife?
What do other moms do?
Am I really contributing anything to society be staying at home with my kids?
Will I ever get into shape, and be the size I want to be?
Is there more than this?

These are just a sample of thoughts that I let drift through my head when I'm alone. It's probable that many of those are things you think about, too.  I think we all tend to question things from time to time. I don't know if it's the Asperger's, or if it's just me being an introvert, or even perhaps, it's just me, but I tend to never stop thinking.  I don't think about light topics. I don't think about fun things, like what celebrity is doing this or that, or what shoes I want to buy. That's not who I am, or what interests me. My thoughts run deep. I think of the meaning of life, and how everything connects together, morals, ideas, philosophy, ect... All the time, everyday. I suppose these are heavy thoughts, and can lend themselves to depression if I am not careful. Many think I already am depressed, because of this pattern of thinking, but I don't view it that way.  I am just always re-evaluating my role in life.  Always tweaking, and thinking about how to improve mine, and other's quality of life.

It has taken me years, (and admittedly, I am still not there yet) to be able to ask myself those questions, think about them without judging myself too harshly.  I still do from time to time. but I have learned to be honest with myself in what really needs tweaking, and where I am just being too hyper-focused on goals, and being perfect.  I'm a goal oriented person. Always in some kind of made up competition with my past self to do better, and be more. I downplay my good qualities, and play up my shortcomings, never pausing to give myself any credit for anything that I do, or am, because in my mind it could always be better, and if there's room for improvement, then I failed. All or nothing thinking, I think it's called.

So, today...instead of taking the quick highway to the corner of 'I Suck Blvd' and 'Inadequacy rd' I wrote this when I started thinking in on the journey. I am feeling productive, and contemplative, but not down, and out.


  1. Yep, you're not the only one! I am also more serious, and have trouble with small talk, and think ALLL the time! I wish sometimes I could turn it off but then I can't relate to people who just do things without thinking. Enjoy your day :)

    1. Yeah, sometimes I wish I could turn it off, too, but then who would I be? Not me! I enjoy relating to people like you, so I will keep my little bit of anxiety if it means that I am in such good company!

  2. You are so not alone. If I had a nickel for every time I wondered if I measured up, as a parent and as an individual, well I would be too rich to have to worry about it anymore. It's hard not to compare ourselves to others, but the trick is doing it the way you do, in a healthy, contemplative way.

    Now if only I could learn that.

    1. It's a work in progress over here, too. Let me tell you. I think just reminding myself that everyone (well, most everyone) worries about much of the same things as I am/do helps me to calm down. It seems we're all afraid of not measuring up. Seems kinda silly when I think about it, actually.

  3. Oh good lord I do this too. ALL THE TIME. It causses me so much depression and anxiety that I need to lose myself in a special interest or try to go to sleep so I don't think anymore. You are definitely not alone. And from what I've read of your blog, you are certainly doing enough for your kids as well a great job writing this blog as well.

    1. Thanks for your comments. Sometime, I think I think too much, but I guess that's better than not enough, right? I hope you find your balance, as well. :)


If you'd like to follow all comments to this post, please click the 'subscribe by email' link under the comment box. I always reply to every post, and appreciate all feedback. If you have issues getting your comment to post you can email me your comment at inneraspie@yahoo.com. Blogger sometimes loses a comment when the user goes to post, so it is always advisable to highlight and copy your text before hitting the post button.