This entry I would like to discuss dining out and how that might effect someone on the spectrum. I'm using the word 'person' instead of child, because I find that they sensory experience can be daunting for autistic children and adults alike. I will also follow up this entry with a some practical ideas to help make dining out more enjoyable of an experience for everyone.
NT Perspective:
I admit that I don't know exactly how NTs feel while having dinner out... I'm guessing that they have a filter that easily filters out most of the background noise, thus freeing them up to socialize. They can listen to the music, talk to friends and enjoy their meal all at the same time. This tends to be a very popular and enjoyable multi-sensory experience for them. Good food and good company seems to be a pretty common goal for most social experiences.
Autistic Perspective:
For someone with autism dining out can be enjoyable, but is often filled with anxiety. Oftentimes, some people on the spectrum are very uneasy trying someplace new. They might be unsure if they will like what's on the menu, or how it is prepared. (Remember, we can get so tripped up in our anxiety that we forget that the current situation isn't forever and that there may be another option that we aren't thinking about at that moment,) Once inside, there might be a wait, which for young kids on the spectrum might be too much to deal with. Most restaurants have music playing, which is extraordinarily loud to most of us. I often find that I can't hear over the music to be able to listen to conversations. Too much sensory input starts making everything get all garbled. When that happens my head starts feeling confused and cloudy. I might get irritable. Very low light bothers me when it's arranged in certain ways. I don't know how to explain it differently, other than there are some lighting fixtures and arrangements that bother my eyes. Sitting still in a booth or table can be challenging for on the move types. This isn't squirmy like all kids get, but a real sensory need to move around and physically interact with one's environment. I almost always feel cold in restaurants, which make it harder for me to deal with other sensory stimuli that is unpleasant.
With all that being said, my family and I really do like to go out to eat. It took lots of effort and trials and errors before we have found some workable solutions to some of these issues I've discussed here. I'll be outlining some of these ideas, and suggestions in my next entry.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Different Perspectives: Eye Contact
On this Different Perspectives I'd like to talk a little bit about eye contact and what it might mean to NTs and autistics. As always, I am only me, so I may or may not be in sync with your experience, or the autistic person in your life. We're all a little different, but I like to do these Perspective posts about my experiences as well as based on some of the common things I've heard from others on and off the spectrum. I'm always a little more than worried that I am going to get a hoard of comments saying that what I write doesn't fit their experiences, ect, ect... So,,, with that dislcaimer out of the way, let's talk about eye contact.
Eye Contact for Neurotypicals:
Eye contact for a typical person is a way of communicating. They can cue into emotions, thoughts, and other nonverbal cues just by looking at each other's eyes. It's a show of respect and attentiveness to make eye contact with someone as you converse. No eye contact, or broken/poor eye contact also holds meaning to typical people in the way of nonverbal communication. It can mean the other person is bored, or finds you unimportant. It can mean they're shy, or anxious. Poor eye contact can also be indicative of dishonesty, as one doesn't want others to read that they may be lying in their eyes they may look away while fibbing, or ashamed. To people not on the spectrum eye contact is just as important as the words we use to speak. So much meaning is attributed to eye gaze!
Eye contact for People on the Autism Spectrum:
I've heard some autistic people describe looking into other people's eyes painful, like looking into the sun. For me, it's an emotional pain. It feels overwhelming, like a switch gets flipped inside my head and I hear, nor feel anything else. My adrenaline goes up, and I feel like running away. I will look away as a way to ease this and to pay attention to the other person. I can't hear and look at another person at the same time. It feel to me like a gross invasion of my space, of my being. It feels like someone is taking something from me which is so personal and part of me. Something that I am not willingly giving, but is being taken by force. It feels so personally invasive, as if someone is reading my thoughts without my permission. I obviously know that no one can, or is, but it feels like they are. If I am having to feign eye contact for something important, say a job interview or something similar, I am too busy counting seconds and trying to be appropriate with the amount of eye contact that I'm avoiding staring or looking inattentive, yet I am being very [preoccupied with all of this to the point that the very thing NTs do to show attention is the opposite of what I am doing. There is no point to doing it, as it doesn't indicate my level of attention, nor will I ever get any kind of communication from it. It is purely for show, and is quite painful for most on the autism spectrum.
I would urge parents to think about this before making eye contact a big deal with their ASD kids, or a part of their therapy plan. I know it is common for speech paths in particular to bring a desired or requested item up to their eyes making the child fix eye gaze before receiving the item. I will not allow such methods to be used with my boys. To me, it is disrespecting who they are and their rights to feel safe, and have their personal space. I'd never allow anyone to do anything to them repetitively that makes them feel antagonized, or fearful, yet this is exactly how eye contact makes most on the spectrum feel.
With that being said, there are some situations where an adult on the spectrum may need help learning how to feign eye contact. I mentioned job interviews, earlier. That one is a biggie, becasue as unfair as it seems, that few minutes of nonverbal communication is crucial to whether or not a company is going to consider hiring you or not, even if you have a killer resume. Unfortunately, I do feel that this is much more of a stigma for males than females, who might come off as passive, shy, and maybe a bit submissive if they don't make as much eye contact. Males might look the same (which unfair as it is, will be held against them) as well as other more devious characteristics might also be wrongly assumed by an interviewer.
I'd love to hear your thoughts about eye contact and what it means to you.
Eye Contact for Neurotypicals:
Eye contact for a typical person is a way of communicating. They can cue into emotions, thoughts, and other nonverbal cues just by looking at each other's eyes. It's a show of respect and attentiveness to make eye contact with someone as you converse. No eye contact, or broken/poor eye contact also holds meaning to typical people in the way of nonverbal communication. It can mean the other person is bored, or finds you unimportant. It can mean they're shy, or anxious. Poor eye contact can also be indicative of dishonesty, as one doesn't want others to read that they may be lying in their eyes they may look away while fibbing, or ashamed. To people not on the spectrum eye contact is just as important as the words we use to speak. So much meaning is attributed to eye gaze!
Eye contact for People on the Autism Spectrum:
I've heard some autistic people describe looking into other people's eyes painful, like looking into the sun. For me, it's an emotional pain. It feels overwhelming, like a switch gets flipped inside my head and I hear, nor feel anything else. My adrenaline goes up, and I feel like running away. I will look away as a way to ease this and to pay attention to the other person. I can't hear and look at another person at the same time. It feel to me like a gross invasion of my space, of my being. It feels like someone is taking something from me which is so personal and part of me. Something that I am not willingly giving, but is being taken by force. It feels so personally invasive, as if someone is reading my thoughts without my permission. I obviously know that no one can, or is, but it feels like they are. If I am having to feign eye contact for something important, say a job interview or something similar, I am too busy counting seconds and trying to be appropriate with the amount of eye contact that I'm avoiding staring or looking inattentive, yet I am being very [preoccupied with all of this to the point that the very thing NTs do to show attention is the opposite of what I am doing. There is no point to doing it, as it doesn't indicate my level of attention, nor will I ever get any kind of communication from it. It is purely for show, and is quite painful for most on the autism spectrum.
I would urge parents to think about this before making eye contact a big deal with their ASD kids, or a part of their therapy plan. I know it is common for speech paths in particular to bring a desired or requested item up to their eyes making the child fix eye gaze before receiving the item. I will not allow such methods to be used with my boys. To me, it is disrespecting who they are and their rights to feel safe, and have their personal space. I'd never allow anyone to do anything to them repetitively that makes them feel antagonized, or fearful, yet this is exactly how eye contact makes most on the spectrum feel.
With that being said, there are some situations where an adult on the spectrum may need help learning how to feign eye contact. I mentioned job interviews, earlier. That one is a biggie, becasue as unfair as it seems, that few minutes of nonverbal communication is crucial to whether or not a company is going to consider hiring you or not, even if you have a killer resume. Unfortunately, I do feel that this is much more of a stigma for males than females, who might come off as passive, shy, and maybe a bit submissive if they don't make as much eye contact. Males might look the same (which unfair as it is, will be held against them) as well as other more devious characteristics might also be wrongly assumed by an interviewer.
I'd love to hear your thoughts about eye contact and what it means to you.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Fall Decorations with Bubby
This is one of my posts that really have no real moral, or thoughtful point to it. Just a post to be chatty and not so serious, because honestly who wants to be serious ALL the time? Not me.
Here this last week my son, Bubby has been nagging about doing fall decorations. I know what you're thinking.. wow what a little interior decorator in the the making... No, not quite. He's not the creative type, really. No, it's more about the calendar change. He's obsessed with calendars and dates. He checks the calendar in our kitchen several times a day. We often joke that he can feel it when I write something on the calendar at school. He seems to have a sixth sense in knowing that sort of thing. He checks and rechecks everyday for any changes in routine and schedules. He memorizes every little appointment and holiday. He wants to know everyone's birthday when he meets them. Then, he'll want to know your family memebers birthdays, and possibly anniversaries. He's always full of questions about your stats (another obsession).
So, when he saw that the first day of fall came and went, he asked about the fall decorations (all 3 of them lol). He has asked everyday since, even though everyday I tell him I do it on the first of October. I have my routine, too and refuse to budge from the comfort of my own schedule, which is fall decorations come out on October 1st-31st since they are Halloween decorations. All of them were also given to me, as I'm not the type to think about seasonal (or much of any other for that matter) decorations. Since he's so fixated on fall decorations I thought it would be nice to google some fall crafts that he could easily do that we could hang up. I thought that might be a fun thing to do this weekend.
Then it will be time for more holidays, which he's already asked about. The other day he asked 'what kind of Christmas activities do we have planned?' lol
Here this last week my son, Bubby has been nagging about doing fall decorations. I know what you're thinking.. wow what a little interior decorator in the the making... No, not quite. He's not the creative type, really. No, it's more about the calendar change. He's obsessed with calendars and dates. He checks the calendar in our kitchen several times a day. We often joke that he can feel it when I write something on the calendar at school. He seems to have a sixth sense in knowing that sort of thing. He checks and rechecks everyday for any changes in routine and schedules. He memorizes every little appointment and holiday. He wants to know everyone's birthday when he meets them. Then, he'll want to know your family memebers birthdays, and possibly anniversaries. He's always full of questions about your stats (another obsession).
So, when he saw that the first day of fall came and went, he asked about the fall decorations (all 3 of them lol). He has asked everyday since, even though everyday I tell him I do it on the first of October. I have my routine, too and refuse to budge from the comfort of my own schedule, which is fall decorations come out on October 1st-31st since they are Halloween decorations. All of them were also given to me, as I'm not the type to think about seasonal (or much of any other for that matter) decorations. Since he's so fixated on fall decorations I thought it would be nice to google some fall crafts that he could easily do that we could hang up. I thought that might be a fun thing to do this weekend.
Then it will be time for more holidays, which he's already asked about. The other day he asked 'what kind of Christmas activities do we have planned?' lol
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Ugggg..Depression (again)
This is one of those posts that I'm not sure if I ought to write. It's personal. It's about how I feel and not so much applicable to the reader as it's not informational to them. I feel more effective as a blogger when I write more impersonal posts, but sometimes, what's on my mind first and foremost is my own life and my own feelings about it. This week has been one of those weeks.
I am noticing depression easing itself back into my life, clouding my view, and making everything blah. I think there's a lot that is contributing to this, but if I were more centered and mindful it would not effect me as much. I don't want to be back where I was last winter. That was one of the worst times in my life emotionally. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder . I thought that it wasn't really that much of an issue and just a part of having AS. I'm still unsure how valid a separate diagnosis for my mood is, but I can't deny that I have some major issues with depression. I have felt better these last 4 months. So, so much better. I don't want to go back to the way I had lived my life these last 20 some years. I now know that the dull melancholy that had accompanied my thoughts for as long as I could remember didn't have to be there. That I can have a much more positive outlook that can have much more positive consequences. I felt comfortable and okay with myself for the first time ever that I could remember. Here this last week or so I have been feeling all of that fade away. I have been feeling less than a person this week and that is a state of mind that I don't miss. I feel as if I have failed at everything I have ever tried to do, and if I keep on this track of thinking suicide will look like a good option again. I don't want to go back to that dark place again. I need to get a plan of action going. So, this week I am going to not give into my tiredness. I am going to exercise, like I have been. I am going to try to be in control of what I can and let the rest be, including other people's opinion and reactions to me. I'm not going to give in like I have most of my life. I'm going to meditate and keep on with what I know is a good direction, even if in this moment nothing feels good. I can't go back to being so down that nothing seems motivating. I hope this time I can turn things around. Undoing 20+ years of conditioning isn't easy, but can be done.
I am noticing depression easing itself back into my life, clouding my view, and making everything blah. I think there's a lot that is contributing to this, but if I were more centered and mindful it would not effect me as much. I don't want to be back where I was last winter. That was one of the worst times in my life emotionally. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder . I thought that it wasn't really that much of an issue and just a part of having AS. I'm still unsure how valid a separate diagnosis for my mood is, but I can't deny that I have some major issues with depression. I have felt better these last 4 months. So, so much better. I don't want to go back to the way I had lived my life these last 20 some years. I now know that the dull melancholy that had accompanied my thoughts for as long as I could remember didn't have to be there. That I can have a much more positive outlook that can have much more positive consequences. I felt comfortable and okay with myself for the first time ever that I could remember. Here this last week or so I have been feeling all of that fade away. I have been feeling less than a person this week and that is a state of mind that I don't miss. I feel as if I have failed at everything I have ever tried to do, and if I keep on this track of thinking suicide will look like a good option again. I don't want to go back to that dark place again. I need to get a plan of action going. So, this week I am going to not give into my tiredness. I am going to exercise, like I have been. I am going to try to be in control of what I can and let the rest be, including other people's opinion and reactions to me. I'm not going to give in like I have most of my life. I'm going to meditate and keep on with what I know is a good direction, even if in this moment nothing feels good. I can't go back to being so down that nothing seems motivating. I hope this time I can turn things around. Undoing 20+ years of conditioning isn't easy, but can be done.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Different Perspectives: Hugs
Sometimes while I am poking around on the internet I read things written by parents and spouses of autistics. I am convinced that there is a major communication meltdown between NTs (neurotypicals-meaning someone without a neurological difference such as autism) and those with ASD. I do think that there are times where people are just being selfish and uncaring on both sides, but I do feel that most of the time it's more about people getting their feelings hurt and reacting from a place of pain. We don't always make our best judgements or behave at our best when coming from that place.
So, I thought I'd try to offer up a few of the most commonly read ones and an explanation for what might be going on for both sides in an effort to bridge the gap a bit, Obviously, I am only one person with one point of view, so I may be off the mark a little bit, or a lot for how these situations may have been or will be experienced in your life.
I think that I will make this a series with one example being cited a a time. Kind of like those relationship articles where they have He said She said and then the counselor's turn to moderate and discuss the issue.
"My son/daughter/husband/wife doesn't respond to my affection." or "He/She runs away from my hugs and kisses"
Translation:
I show my love with physical affection and when you reject that, it feels like you are rejecting ME. I feel hurt and alone without frequent physical touch as a part of my daily routine . (especially for spouses) As a parent, I feel helpless when you cry and I can't comfort you. I may even feel like a bad parent. I sometimes feel ignored and unloved by your lack of reciprocation of physical affection. I feel abandoned and uncared for.
What the person on the spectrum might be thinking:
Hugs can feel suffocating and scary. I may not be able to read nonverbal cues well enough to know when, or how long a hug might occur, thus making physical contact seem unpredictable. Light touch is often aggravating. Deep pressure may work better than light brushes. (they make my skin crawl just thinking about it) One of my sons enjoy being squished up in a blanket. This might be a good alternative to hugs. Trust is important and trying to force physical contact in one way to be sure I will not trust you. Let me cue you when I am ready and be gentle. Provoking anxiety will only make me feel more distrustful and leery. I can show my affection in other ways, like doing things for you to show I think of you and care. Please, look for alternative ways I might be showing my love, like remembering to do a chore for you that you dislike, or making something for you. Some children that are on the severe end of the spectrum like to carry around objects from the people they love most. This can be shoes, clothes, jewelry, or other personal items that have your scent on them and remind them of you. This is their way of being close to you. For my spouse, I like to show affection, but only but only when he listens to my sensory issues and doesn't do the things I dislike. Clean shaven, no light brushes on my skin, no stinky breath, ect.. Respecting my space and my being results in more hugs and kisses for him.
So, I thought I'd try to offer up a few of the most commonly read ones and an explanation for what might be going on for both sides in an effort to bridge the gap a bit, Obviously, I am only one person with one point of view, so I may be off the mark a little bit, or a lot for how these situations may have been or will be experienced in your life.
I think that I will make this a series with one example being cited a a time. Kind of like those relationship articles where they have He said She said and then the counselor's turn to moderate and discuss the issue.
"My son/daughter/husband/wife doesn't respond to my affection." or "He/She runs away from my hugs and kisses"
Translation:
I show my love with physical affection and when you reject that, it feels like you are rejecting ME. I feel hurt and alone without frequent physical touch as a part of my daily routine . (especially for spouses) As a parent, I feel helpless when you cry and I can't comfort you. I may even feel like a bad parent. I sometimes feel ignored and unloved by your lack of reciprocation of physical affection. I feel abandoned and uncared for.
What the person on the spectrum might be thinking:
Hugs can feel suffocating and scary. I may not be able to read nonverbal cues well enough to know when, or how long a hug might occur, thus making physical contact seem unpredictable. Light touch is often aggravating. Deep pressure may work better than light brushes. (they make my skin crawl just thinking about it) One of my sons enjoy being squished up in a blanket. This might be a good alternative to hugs. Trust is important and trying to force physical contact in one way to be sure I will not trust you. Let me cue you when I am ready and be gentle. Provoking anxiety will only make me feel more distrustful and leery. I can show my affection in other ways, like doing things for you to show I think of you and care. Please, look for alternative ways I might be showing my love, like remembering to do a chore for you that you dislike, or making something for you. Some children that are on the severe end of the spectrum like to carry around objects from the people they love most. This can be shoes, clothes, jewelry, or other personal items that have your scent on them and remind them of you. This is their way of being close to you. For my spouse, I like to show affection, but only but only when he listens to my sensory issues and doesn't do the things I dislike. Clean shaven, no light brushes on my skin, no stinky breath, ect.. Respecting my space and my being results in more hugs and kisses for him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)