I like to write.
If I could I'd write everyday. I do inside my head. I compose blog entries and think up ideas for books I'll never write all day long. I wash the dishes, and vacuum the floors to stories untold that flash inside of my mind's eye disappearing before I can gather my thoughts into buckets of coherence in order to pour them out onto pages to share with others. It's not the collecting, but the holding that is the problem. As the daily tasks tick by the buckets leak my ideas, and by the time I slide into place before my computer screen the blinking cursor is taunting me. Blink.....Blink....Blink..... A blank screen awaits my words, but I only remember quarter entries and half ideas. When I try to put them back together again it's like trying to put a puzzle together starting from the middle. It's difficult and I often can't find the words, so I end up moving onto to something else, usually going to bed.
So, many, or maybe I should say most days I don't write anything. I don't necessarily like it this way, and I always think I'll do better the next day, and then I don't. I simply don't have time in the daily schedule to stop and write every time inspiration strikes, or a quiet moment to concentrate even if I did get a moment of downtime. Then I question how much it matters. How much does blogging really matter in the grand scheme of anything, really? I mean, I don't get paid to write. It's just something I like to do that is like a hobby for me and let's me connect with others. (And, no this isn't a solicitation for a paid blogging position, because there's always a catch in there where have to sell something that I feel will make me come across as less than genuine to my readers, so I'm not interested in that sort if thing.) Do these words matter that I am typing right now? Are there better, more productive ways to spend my time than this?
I guess there really isn't any solid answers to any of those questions, because they are a matter of perception. Maybe for some it does seem like a waste of my time to put so much effort into something I will likely never see any monetary gain from. I don't find that everything valuable in life can be measured by monetary value, though. Well being has a heavy value in my life, which carries with it many different facets. Mental health is a huge chunk of that. When I speak of feeling well I can be referring to many different feelings, both on a physical level and on a more emotional level.
When I think about the things that in my day that make me feel good, writing is undeniably one of them. It is, as I have described at the beginning of this entry, an ongoing focal point of my day. Writing motivates, energizes and makes me feel accomplished. It is like taking an essence of who I am and tucking away small bits and pieces away in disconnected passages to be found by readers.
More than that, though.....This isn't just about me. I'm not the only one who has a zest for something that doesn't seem worthwhile to others, but feels like everything to the person who does the hobby. I think many people do. Sadly, I feel that there's almost a discouragement in our society of allowing others to simply enjoy themselves doing something for leisure that they love to do without question. Unless you're someone of a certain age, and financial standing your free time will be unfortunately questioned by others, even yourself, because you've been culturally programmed to think this way. "Am I productive enough? Shouldn't I be doing something else right now? I should really be working on...." Those are all thoughts most of us think when we try to relax and have some down time to engage in activities that we love to do.
It doesn't have to be that way, though. We are in charge of how we spend our time. We decide how to perceive the passage of time, and the quality of our endeavors.
I spoke earlier about how well being is a big part of my life. At least it is a big part of the quality of my life. I do have chronic illness. There's no doubt that my physical body can wreak havoc on my day to day life and how I feel on a physical plain. No doubt, whatsoever, and no amount of positive thinking is gonna turn that around. Also a fact.
However, I also know that my emotional and mental well being is just as important as physical well being, if not more so. We have to nourish the parts of us that keep us going when times are bleak. Everyone has at least one thing they like to do, or are good at that lights a creative fire inside their soul and lets the world see it burn behind their eyes. I do. You do. It's human nature.We all might not be able to turn our best skills, or favorite things to do into a job, but that doesn't make it not worth our time. Not everything that is valuable in the world is marketable.
It's valuable to me to make the time to write because it increases my feelings of well being and purpose. That's a solid feeling of content and feeling at ease with myself that I can carry with me. There isn't anything else that can substitute that stability. Nothing. There have been so many times in my life that I have thought that I will feel better once I get ____________ or we get past _________ situation. These goals came and went, some small and some big, but I am here to tell you that I did not feel any different after any changes in circumstances that were on the outside of myself. Even situations where the needs were severe or the change was great I don't recall any lasting feeling of positive overall well being the way I had envisioned there would be. Circumstances changed and eventually all the same feelings came back as they were before. Without changing my perspective and my behavior I was static as the world moved around me. It's been one of the hardest lessons as an adult to learn. I think a lot of people never learn it. They're always chasing after something to make themselves feel better, until they don't, and then it's time to chase again.
What's your passion? What nourishes your well being and makes you feel whole?