So, I had a meltdown.
You may have seen my post that I wrote at the tail end of it last night, but have since taken down. It was too personal, and raw to leave up and available to any eyes that came across it. And, there were eyes....Something like a hit a minute was happening. As I watched the stats climb on the post with each refresh I felt more and more exposed until I decided to take it down.
This isn't the first time that I have written about meltdowns, [YOU CAN READ THOSE ENTRIES HERE] and unfortunately it won't be the last time I experience one. Not trying to be pessimistic over here, but I'm self-aware enough to know that I will have more. It's part of my neurology.
I can backtrack and spend days trying to figure out precisely what happened and how to prevent it from occurring again, but it will all just be wasted time. Don't get me wrong, there are sometimes common triggers to meltdowns that need to be discovered and addressed. But what I have here is the type that falls into the category of, too much for too long. It was a slow motion volcanic eruption building over weeks of operating above and beyond the level I could reasonable manage. So, I unreasonably managed it, meaning I went on and on until the pressure was too much and then the release valve of my brain popped. I suppose one could say that I need to manage my days differently so I could more easily match my level of functioning at any given times, but I find that to be near impossible. I do need to raise my levels of self-care. That is true, but I can't do much about life's demands. They are what they are, and I've done my best within the structure of my life to mitigate them. I also don't know where I will be on any given day neurologically speaking. I wish that I could be more predictive in this area, but I'm not. Some days my executive functioning levels are off the charts. I'm kicking butt and taking names. Other days no so much. There's a lot of factors that play into this in ways that can't be predicted or worked into a structured routine.
I guess this is an entry to let those of you who read it know that I really am okay. I also want to say thank you to those of you that took a moment to offer encouraging words. I think it's really difficult for bystanders when someone is having an all out meltdown. It's scary and uncomfortable. No one knows what to say, or if they should say anything, so they often just keep their distance, turning their heads to avoid the entire situation. I know that in the middle of a meltdown I am a hot train wreck of a mess and I know that others are observing it, too. To have it out there and receive no gestures of support I usually will feel judged and possibly even avoid anyone who witnessed the situation up close, because it's too awkward.
It's been about 24 hours and the dust has settled and my frazzled brain has reset again. Things are returning to normal as pick myself up and move on, as I have many times before.