Sometimes there is this feeling that hits me between the eyes. It's one that is hard to describe. It's not quite jealousy, or depression, or well.... anything I can label easily. If you can't tell this is going to be another one of those entries that kind of end up falling from my fingers as quickly as the thoughts pop into my head with little direction as I explore what it is that I am feeling. One of the ways I discover myself best is through freestyle writing.
This feeling surfaces when I see others doing things that I think are admirable. Things that contribute to the greater good of society, or at least seem to have a lasting effect on the world. It causes me to think about what I contribute to the world, and as I often do when thinking of myself I always feel like I come up short. I begin to question where I am in my life, and where I am headed.
Sometimes, I am perfectly content with taking care of my family, and tending to their needs. Other times I feel like I am shut off from the world, and stagnating. I question if being a stay at home mom, and caregiver is what I want. If it's what is best. If it is contributing to the world in a meaningful way.
These feelings come with a sense of disconnect from society. Not in a lonely type of way so much as a cut off, and isolated type of way. Like I am not part of anything bigger than my own little world.
I selfishly want to be out in the world holding a job, and doing important work. When I am not in one of these moods taking care of my family, and raising my children with their varying degree of differences fulfills me. I feel like I am making a difference to the world by taking good care of my kids. By loving them, and teaching them well I am giving them a solid foundation to thrive as they go through life, and that is meaningful in and of itself.
I think this is an adult form of teenaged angst. I certainly am not a stranger to angst. I have lived in times where my angst was the only thing feeding me, and moving me along. There is not a day that doesn't slip past where I am not searching for answers to the deeper meaning to life. I want to feel purposeful, and to be purposeful. I really want my life to count for something. This isn't really about being popular, well liked, or even well known. No one needs to know of my achievements for it to count to me. I feel selfish in thinking these thoughts, and not being content with what I have, but this is not to be confused with narcissism. I don't need admiration from others. I just need to feel good about myself. But, can I do that as I am? Can I feel fulfilled with how my life is right now? A housewife, a mom, advocate, woman, friend, and human being?
I think the answer for me is yes.
There are times where this tug is what I need to move in another direction. Other times it is all about reevaluating what is meaningful to me. It's about standing for my values, and knowing that I align with them. I just need to remind myself that I am okay as I am, even without being busy, and participating in a new project. I am okay without constantly accomplishing, and I have to belief that. No more comparing myself to what others do, and be okay with who I am.