Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Next Chapter- #autism and #injustice

If you're unfamiliar with the entire story you can get up to speed here  and  here .

I'm sitting in a blissfully quiet house sipping coffee, contemplating my day, my week, and what to do next after a devastating outcome to what appears to be the final meeting with Bean's special ed provider at school.

I was not able to persuade them to allow Beans to go to another school. They stated it violates Least Restrictive Environment, due to the other structured learning room being further away than the one he was attending. I know that there will be 20 comments about how I can fight that, but their wording, and their reasoning doesn't have to make sense. I had 2 of the best advocates in my entire state helping me through this. If there was a way to fight effectively against our special ed coop they would have done so. If there was words to use, and ways to fight that wouldn't be wasting my time, and money they'd have jumped on that opportunity. The fact is, our local special ed coop is run pretty much like our government. We all know they're not doing things right by the people, but there isn't much we can do. We can take it to the courts, where their friends, and acquaintances work, and there is rarely ever a judgment in the parent's favor. Government agencies rarely like to step on the toes of other agencies.

With that being said, I am of course going to go forth with reporting the misconduct of the whole situation to
our state board, district representative, and governor, complete with every photo, and document, Someone needs to be aware of this who can do something about the unshakable power our coop represents. It's unlikely to change anything for Beans right now. Though, it might just start a movement to dismantle some of the corruption.

I know that seemed like a long intro to this, but I had to explain why getting lawyers, and such involved at this point would be a waste of time, and money. I don't have anymore resources to waste. My husband has missed so much work due to this ordeal,  and when you're self-employed that means no income on missed days, but possibly having to still pay out. In other words, every missed day is a hole he has to fill up somewhere.  All these meetings, and such mean me researching, copying, phone calls, and emails. That has taken up most of my day, and the rest has gone to caring for Beans, because he has been at home at this point with me for almost a month. That is a month without any education. I have done some one on one table work with him, but not a lot. I haven't had time with all the other stuff. I am working on getting more respite hours, but I don't know who can fill them if I do. I have no family, or friends to help. It's just me, and my husband. When I am on the phone, or doing housework, or whatnot Beans is on his own, bored. So for me to invest my time, and resources into a solution I need to be fairly certain it will work, because I don't have another month to waste.

So, I am sitting here making my plan for today. Making my plan for tomorrow, and trying to not think about the long term future. I get overwhelmed just thinking about next year, and the year after.  I am a big planner. I am always one step ahead of everyone else, because I am typically a quick decider when I have the opportunity to gather the facts, and weigh my options. This case is not one that I have found easy, or came to my decision with any kind of solid confidence I typically have. Normally, I know my choice is the right one. I researched it, and planned for it. I am confident that what my decisions can, and will be productive. This time, I am making my decision borne out of desperation. I am choosing the least sucky out of 2 really sucky options. It's not fair, and it's not right.

My choices were :

A: Send him back to the school with the same staff, who granted are on high alert, but still do not in any way have my son's best interest in their mind at any given time.

B. Homeschool- which is not the same as homeschooling other kids. Beans doesn't follow a curriculum. He functions overall at a 12-18 month old level, so he needs lots of different approaches to learning. We don't necessarily do social studies, and science, but rather lots of matching, and learning to hold a pencil type of tasks. In other words, I'm on my own.  There is nothing to guide me on how, or what to teach. And, I have to do all of it without much help, unless I can find someone to provide respite services outside of a few hours in the evening.

See what I mean?

After thinking on it for a few hours (remember I said I am a quick decider) I made the harrowing decision to keep Beans with me, at home where I know he is safe. I cannot trust a school that would fail him in every way possible to keep him safe. I can't trust a faculty that sees him as having less rights than any other student due to his inability to speak.  Maybe they will never allow him to be hurt in their care again (in ways I can see) , but that doesn't mean they will be nice to him. I also am riding on the principle that their behavior was so wrong, and the whole thing was so mishandled that there is no way I am letting them win. I am taking my son, and all the funding they get for him, which is a lot. I won't get that funding, but neither will they.

At the end of the meeting one of the advocates spoke up to comment about how the whole thing would have been such a vastly different ordeal if the school had apologized, and acted toward my family with empathy, rather than extreme defensiveness. She noted that the nature of their behavior from the get-go was extremely adversarial, and spoke of how all the staff I had on FB unfriended me. This little factoid brought a audible gasp from the entire table, and mumbles of  "I didn't know that".  I was floored. Of all the things that I felt were relevant to this case, and this situation that fact was what shocked people? No, I didn't inform the IEP team, or anyone else from the school about the status of my FB friend numbers, because I didn't think that was something that really mattered. It's Facebook. Sometimes, I don't understand people.

Yesterday, I got right onto locating speech, and OT services for him. I found somewhere, and am awaiting the doctor's script to be faxed (to bill insurance) so that I can begin the process of that. I will be discussing obtaining more respite hours, and where to possibly find someone to help me fill them in this afternoon.

I am trying to take it all one day at time. I have a to-do list a mile long from things not being done, and more that need to be. Today, I am just going to get a little housework done, at least a small workout, and a couple emails out. That is about all the more I think I can realistically do today besides the regular stuff, and appointments. The future is looming in the back of my mind as I stand unwavering in today. It's a hard stance to take, and I can absolutely admit I don't know quite what I am doing, but it's the path I chose in the midst of all of this chaos. To send him back to that classroom because I don't know how, or with what time to educate Beans would be making the same kind of decision they made, which was to do what was more convenient for them, rather than what was right. I'm not putting convenience above virtue.


14 comments:

  1. Wow. Just wow. I have no advice (you don't need any ;) ) or much encouragement really. But I can almost feel your situation. And my heart hurts for the way the system works, creating this unnessecary adversity for our kids. Its just sad and yes, sucky. I have debated homeschool sometimes, and instantly recoil. As an aspie mom, I just don't think I could manage it. It looks like you are clearly doing the most right thing you can do and my hope is that resources come to you and give you the support you BOTH need. (((( hugs )))))

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    1. I am worried that as an aspie mom I won't be able to handle it, either. I really need my quiet down time, and I have NO idea where I am going to get it now, but I am determined to try to make this work, somehow.

      Thank you so much for all of your comments, and support. I know it doesn't seem like much, but sometimes when someone is going through a situation like this those comments on the computer screen may be all the encouragement one needs to carry on for that day. <3

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    2. I have been thinking about you. Even on the interwebz, I only know a handful of aspie mothers navigating motherhood. It's so daunting. I still think I am a good mom, but I need so much alone time, I get so aggravated by noice and stress. etc... But being able to understand my aspie child makes it worth it, but the challenges are so real. Silly things like the piles of papers that come home from schoool daily, stress. me. out.

      I am getting ready for an IEP meeting tomorrow and the anxiety is already overwhelming. I am terrified I will say things I shouldn't. Forget to say what I should and get overwhelmed. I prepare endlessly and still get blindsided. Good stuff right? ;)

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    3. I hope your IEP went well! Your comment went to my spam box for some reason, so I didn't see it. If you haven't yet, please join me at my FB page listed in the contact tab. My email is always open, too if you need to chat. :)

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  2. Oh - I wish things had turned out differently.

    Sending ((hugs)) and please feel you can email me if you would like any ideas or strategies or curriculum or resources... or if you just want someone to bounce stuff off of...

    Leah

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  3. I am so glad you chose B. It will be hard at first but there are so many HE resources out there and when you've had a chance to get your 2nd wind, you can choose how 'school-like' you want to be.

    Best of luck and I hope both you and Bean can heal from this horrible experience

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  4. You made the right choice. And I am sorry that it came to that. Their argument of LRE really ticks me off because it was used on me as well last year. But all that matters now is that you get services in place that he needs. And it will take time. Hugs to you Shawna.

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    1. Thank you. Who knew that something that is put in place to help our kids would actually be misused so much? It's just wrong!

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  5. My heart goes out to you with this battle you are fighting. But nothing can come between the love of a mother for her child. Beans is depending on you....no one else will fight for his rights like you can. With God at your side, you will have the strength you need to carry on. Just remember to take care of yourself also. You have to eat right and exercise to keep up your strength, emotionally and physically.
    I found this online: There is a woman named Pat Howey, an advocate who helps parents resolve special education disputes with their school districts. Possibly you could get in touch with her and ask questions. I'm praying for you and your family. Here is the link: http://www.wrightslaw.com/howey/power.mtgs.ltrs.htm

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    1. You're so right. I have been trying really hard to remember that I have to keep up with my same diet, and fitness routine, no matter what. If I am not healthy I can't take care of things the way they need to be, so it's important to find time for health, and rejuvenation!

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  6. I've been following your story through Facebook and just wanted to come here and offer my support. As a mother of a nonverbal girl just starting formal education (she is 3) what you went through is nothing short of terrifying. My heart broke seeing the pics of your son's injuries and my stomach turned at the thought that my daughter could be treated like that one day. I am so, so sorry at this choice you were forced to make. If it is any consolation it is what I would choose too. But doesn't make any easier. I will share the link on my Facebook page, this story is too important to be ignored, for all the nonverbal kids out there :(

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    1. Thank you for sharing my story. The more we stand together, and support one another the less this can happen. So many parents feel alone, unsure, and unsupported when the school mistreats their kids, so they stand down. They just don't know what to do, and where to turn. It's overwhelming when you feel so outnumbered.

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