Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Closets From my Past

These last couple of nights I have been having dreams of an odd nature. Not only am I able to recall them when I awake, but they are that kind of realistic dream that sticks with you for awhile.  You are aware of the heaviness that it imprints on your consciousness emotionally.  I feel kind of nostalgic, and sad.

In both of them I was on a road trip that suddenly landed me at my parent's house.  Their home in real life is a few hours away, so you would not just stumble on it by accident, and decide to stop in, but in my dream that is what happened. I felt kinda lost, and not sure where to go, and what to do.

In the first dream I was in my old room going through my closet, cleaning out clothes.  I was surprised at how much still fit. What I was stuck on, was what was still in style. I kept second-guessing my keep, and throw out piles. I would try them on, and wonder to myself "Does this still work?" "Is this in style?"  I couldn't always decide what was still in style, or not, so I began imploring my husband's opinion. He told me it wasn't his choice. I'd have to decide for myself.

In my dream, I felt very oppressed,
and sad. At one point, I got an injection of something in my eye that made me feel even worse, but it was like it was part of the routine, so I didn't question it.

Anyway, I was trying to get this all done, and move on. I wanted to get out of there, and my family wasn't very happy that I was there. I tried to talk to them, and was even having a nice conversation with my father, and then he just walked away like I wasn't even there. I needed to get back home, but wasn't sure how to get there. 

The next thing I know, there is a flood.  I need to get my children from school before it gets too bad. I went to get my husband, but he was in the backyard of my real home that I am in now. He was working on all of these projects, and it was flooding everywhere. It was so flooded, and so full of junk, and people back there that I could not even get to him to tell him that I needed him to help me get the kids.  I somehow ended up going with my son's bus driver.  She was pointing at all of exits signs on the roads, and different routes that I would now be using when I finished my move that I was in the process of doing. I was trying to pay attention to her directions, as I did need to know how to get myself, and the kids around after our transition.

Last night's dream, was much the same thing.  I somehow ended up at my parent's house.  It wasn't really on purpose, but it wasn't accidental, either. I was kind of lost, and decided to visit. They were pretty indifferent to my arrival, one could even say a bit irritated at me. I kept trying to engage them in conversation, and try to get them to respond to me, instead of just ignoring me. I wanted to get their attention, and hope they might take an interest in my life. It never really happened. I think my mother finally did talk to me a bit, but it was rather short, and forced.  Not at all the warm chit chat I was hoping for, so I swallowed the lump in my throat, and decided to head home, if I could find my way. Before, I left my mother began cleaning out closets, and I wanted some of the things she had in there. Some of it was my baby toys, and my deceased grandmother's things. I saw so much that I wanted to take with me, and that meant something to me, and she would not let me have it. She said if I had not have been who I was, and not had moved away, then I'd have it already. I missed out on it all, and it was all my fault. Even now, as I recall the dream, I can feel the sad  longing of wanting so much to have those parts of my past, and knowing I can't, because I am not worthy to according to them. 

After looking up the symbols in my dream dictionaries,( here and here) and thinking about what it means to me, I can clearly see that I am revisiting a part of my grief of being rejected by my family that I thought I was long done with.  

Trips usually denote some sort of life journey, and the decisions we make. I seem to accidentally, on purpose keep ending up clear across my state near my parent's house, so I decide to drop in. It's clear that I am hoping for a warm reception.  I go in, and get tolerated, and that's about it.  That about sums up my whole childhood, and young adult experience, so yeah...

Next, there is a clear closet theme. Closets usually have something to do with where we store our private stuff. Parts of our lives, and character that we keep hidden from public view. Clothing, on the other hand, is very public.  That symbolizes who we are, and the persona we put on for others. I think it's clear that I was going through all of my old thoughts, and attitudes, and seeing which ones still fit, and which ones were old, and outdated. I attempted to ask for help, but this is a solitary event. Only I can make these decisions, otherwise it kinda misses the point. 

Which brings me to my next point, the weird injections into me eyes! When I saw it in my dream it was almost like a hindsight look.  I realized that someone else had been negatively influencing (my parents) how I see the world, and myself.  It seemed that I knew it in the dream, but felt powerless to stop it, or do anything about it. 

I think the flood is pretty straightforward in that it means a situation where I feel overwhelmed in is coming to a head.  It was coming, and I knew it. I was setting out to try to stay ahead of the wave of emotions that were coming.  Again, I asked for my husband's help, but he was unable to lend a hand. This is something  I need to do on my own.  He has his own 'junk' to take care of.
 I was relocating to a new home in one dream. To me, that is saying that I am getting rid of old stuff, so I can move on to new stuff.  Even if is painful, I think it's necessary. In the end, it seems that the dreams were positive.

I think that some of these may have came about because the other day Beans had gotten into, and undone several of my photo albums.  One of them was my wedding album.  I couldn't help but notice, as I picked them up that my husband's family was in so many. They were all happy, and smiling. Truly celebrating, but there were almost no pictures of my family. They simply didn't care to take, or be in any. The ones they were in, they were not smiling, and my parents refused to dance, even when the DJ asked for parents of the bride and groom to take the floor and dance, they refused to. I remembered, so many occasions like that, as I picked up my memories off of the floor, realizing I had so few happy ones.


  1. I need to get a dream dictionary! I love examining dreams except mine are often so scary, but have much in common with the kind that you describe here. Many times I wind up in my childhood home, and if down in the basement apartment (where I grew up) there is always something seriously wrong going on. Or I wind up upstairs in my grandmothers apartment, and those dreams are very different. Probably pretty obvious where the bad memories are compared to the better ones. The dreams always make me feel regret and longing to go back...maybe have something happen that is different.

    I'm thinking it is a our subconscious minds trying to work things out for us, or else trying to tell us something--although admittedly most of the time I do not know what.

    Writing though, that does help me through many painful memories!

    1. I will have to edit the post to include the two main dictionaries that I use. It's also one of those things that have been a special interest (never a primary one, but kind of a side special interest lol)for many years, so I'm pretty educated about it. If you ever need any help with a dream in particular I might be able to help you.

  2. Those are some powerful memories, Inner Aspie. I admire you sharing the memories and the dreams with us. The spirit of the post mirrors your "pen name", Quiet Contemplation. Most of all, I am happy for the work you are doing in your dreams to grieve the past and create a happier present and future.

    1. You're right, it does mirror my pen name. Never thought of that, but I guess that's why I chose it. I am always thinking about they 'why' in everything! Thanks for reading!


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