Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Mindful Thinking-Anxiety Day 1

Today, I am still actively aware and working on my need for obsessing, and attempts at perfection.

My first thoughts this morning was a loooong list of important 'to-do's' which left me feeling overwhelmed and panicky. I decided to take one small task at a time and not worry about the whole day and minor tasks.  I want to be calm and feel optimistic, but reeling in stress about daily tasks is not achieving that.  I decided that I value being calm and optimistic more than I value having a clean house, all my errands ran, and exercises done. I realized that I could do some of those things without going to the extreme of all or nothing, black and white thinking that usually plagues me and hold my emotions hostage as I get more and more panicky trying to achieve it all.

I am still feeling anxious about possibly not getting everything done that I'd like to.  I'm still feeling anxious about posting this.  Feeling uncomfortable is okay. Discomfort is my body's way of letting me know that I am testing new waters.  That's a good thing, because without discomfort my life will never grow.  You can't get different results by doing the same things, so I am going to keep it up.  I think this is something that is difficult for many on the autism spectrum.  We see the world in such detail that we want everything to be 'just right'.  Combining that with our tendency to be black and white rigid thinkers an, and it's a sure way to a path of anxiety and depression.  I will continue to post daily or every other day on how I'm changing my old habits into new, more productive ones that align much better with the things in life that I value.  Every minute of everyday offers up opportunities to change that one thought, that one action,that one word to be more reflective of a life that I choose.  I choose confidence, self esteem, family, love, kindness over self-defeat, sadness, isolation and frustration.  It's my life and I need to take responsibility to make these things manifest.

So, today my goal is to not worry about getting everything done, staying vigilant in getting what I need to done (means not over-thinking or spending time I don't have on FB and Twitter! lol) and feeling good in knowing that I'm doing what I love, no matter what else happens, or what others may think.

13 comments:

  1. Good luck and good work beginning your journey. Keep us posted! You are an inspiration.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement!

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  2. I have difficulty putting my feelings into words and when I read this you hit the nail right on the head for me. I feel every bit of this that you posted. I have a 19 year old daughter with Asperger Syndrome and a 9 year old with high functioning Autism. Over the past 5 years I have dedicated myself into learning as much as I can about Autism, importance of a sensory diet, being healthly and so on. I have found out a lot about myself also because I feel I have Asperger traits as well as some people in my family. I do need to set some goals for myself as time can slip away from me so easily and I am sort of an information hog but that is how I am and hard to control. I am usually pretty good as long as I eat right and take my vitamins to keep my mind focused. Thanks for the reminder! I love your blog and good luck to you as well.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I totally get what you mean about being an information hog! I totally am!

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  3. It's so easy to get caught up in the wanting to get so much done we loose ourselves in the process. And I wind up frustrated when I've not done everything I've set out to do.....I'm glad you're doing a little bit at a time. And thank you for the reminder that I should be doing the same. :)

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    1. Thank you for your comment. I think this is such a common thing that it's not just about ASD, but mothers in general!

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    2. ... an information hog, yep, me too!

      At eleven I put it this way:

      "It just weighs me down to always have to bear all that AWARENESS about everything"

      Most of that weight, to me, has always been my general knowledge about my own needs and how they could have been met, and since childhood I've been well able to COMMUNICATE all of that diligently and sufficiently BUT NO ONE WOULD GET ME ... my mum the very least.

      I've often compared this with the feeling of being buried alive.

      Same thing when I predict things and try to avoid negative consequences ... no one would listen, and it happens all the same. So frustrating.

      But about doing less, worrying less and enjoying more: I've already become quite good at that.
      I can assure you that it really helps!

      I've always wanted that, and my mum wanted to make me perfect. My daily fight against her perseverance is what made me strong in that matter, presumably ... my mom always wanted justice for every single person in the world. Except me. She didn't notice that it just doesn't work that way, so that's what made me mad with fighting!!

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  4. Wow great entry! This is also something I struggle with every single day. I try to accept that I just can't get everything done in one day and try to plan the things to do in a more realistic schedule... Easier said than done...

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    1. I think that's part of my issue. What is realistic to me and what is to others is worlds apart. I find it difficult to define what is an acceptable goal to get done in one day and what isn't.

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  5. Hi this all means so much to me and I don't have a diagnosis of aspergers. I am always trying to do everything and do it right and I can get really up tight if I can't do it. We often joke in our family that my anxieties and need for control are as bad as my Son's. I found the types of strategies you talked about in your last post really useful. Good luck with your journey. I know its not easy.

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    1. Thank you for your comments. Good luck with your journey, too! Changing the way we think is hard, but I think it's doable!

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  6. Great reading! Very positive!

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