Yesterday, the boys and I set out to the library. CJ went to work with Dad,. He was short of help,so she happily filled in. Kudos to her for stepping up to do hard manual labor out in the heat! This meant I'd have to brave the library trip that I already promised to Bubby without help. He even had a certain book in mind: 'Captain Underpants'. Never mind that it was the same book that he read over and over for most of the school year.
Before going to the library, I needed to stop at the bank. This was tricky. I wanted to walk, but wasn't sure about going inside. If I drove, Beans would be securely in his seat as I went through the drive through. Inside could mean a meltdown or me chasing him all over the bank. Beans is the type of kid that needs one hand on him at all times, or he runs off. I've been known to pin him with my leg while paying at a check out, but not while writing. Both buildings are within 2 blocks from my house. I really didn't want to drive, plus all of us could benefit from getting out and walking, so I made the decision to walk.
As we entered the foyer of the bank Beans let out a loud groan. He was obviously displeased with my choice of destination. His loud verbal stims echoed all the way through the big mostly empty room as I made my way to the counter. "AAAHHHH" and "Modom" and "Uhhhhhhh" . I noticed one teller was on the phone and I was getting anxious that Beans was disturbing her. I was thinking already that I made a bad decision, but too late now. We're already here. Thankfully, there is no line and I'm able to get the transaction going smoothly. While we wait for the deposit to finish I notice lots of lollipops on the counter and that Bubby has already gotten one. I always weigh everything by fairness in my head. I don't know if this is the result of my aspie brain, or if it's more about just being a mom. I want to make sure that I am always being as fair as possible with all of my kids, so when I see Bubby having a lolli, I think Beans should, too. What if it hurts his feelings that his brother got one and he didn't, but he just can't tell me? Then he has to carry around this resentment forever locked inside about the times his brother and sister got stuff he didn't? Yes, these are the mile a minute thoughts that plague my brain all day and night. It's exhausting being me, as much as I over think everything. I reach up and unwrap a red sucker for the Beans. I have no idea if he even wants one. Most times, he doesn't, but this time he reaches for it when I hand it to him. He takes it to his lips, feels it, and sniffs it. He taps it with his fingertips, like he does pretty much anything and everything, including every piece of food that he eats. He tastes it, and looks pleased.
We get all the finished up and now we're back on our way to the library. Beans keeps tapping his lollipop with his fingers, causing him to get all sticky. I start to think I have made a bad decision in giving it to him. We enter our tiny little small town library and head for the kid's section. Beans seems quite content to sit on the kid's corner on the little loveseat. Bubby immediately notices that there's a young man on the computer playing Minecraft. He's drawn to him like a magnet and I have to call to him to remind him to get busy looking for his book. I know we could very well be on borrowed time. Beans may decide at any minute that he doesn't care for the library and wants to leave, causing him to meltdown and run away from me like has happened every other time we have tried to visit. I try to help Bubby search for the 'Captain Underpants' books, but I don't want to walk too far away from Beans. If I try to have him follow me, he will get very irritated from being asked to transition away from where he was. I know that I must keep the transitions to a minimum where Beans is concerned, especially if there is no way for him to understand why we are moving from one place to another. Bubby asks me to ask the librarian. I tell him he is going to have to, because I can't leave his brother, so off he goes. I am proud of his initiative. He knows what to do and who to ask and does so without hesitation.
They finally locate the book and we are on our way to checking out. Except my card is expired. Ugghh. How long is this going to take? I wonder. Beans is losing patience by the second and I know that my minutes are numbered at this point. They get the process going and inform us it will be a few minutes. Bubby has already found his distraction. In the other corner of the library there is a Nintendo and 2 kids are playing Super Mario on it. He could probably stay here all day. Beans loves to watch people play video games, so he finds a seat and is happy to just sit for a few.
When it's time to get the card I get informed that I need to go through a tutorial of how to use it, because now there is new features, including online services. Beans has transitioned for the last time. He is angrily tapping on the counter making "Arrrrrrrrr" noises. Meltdown in 3....2..... I rush them through the spiel and rush the boys out the door. I know I have to get Beans home quickly, or I might end up with a boy flailing around on the sidewalk beating his head into the ground. We are still over block away from home. Beans is getting madder and madder with every step we take. I pick up the pace anxiously moving across main street while trying to not get bitten. It's hard to hold the hand of someone trying to bite your arm at the same time. I manage and we arrive home, safe and sound.
So, that was our trip to the local library. It was better than subsequent trips, and I think with practice it will get easier.