There are days, weeks even, that my head is swelled with ambitious writings, and tales waiting to be typed. Thoughts spill out in such quick succession that it's almost hard to catch them in words. To convert the images that are flowing through my mind to typed print is a challenge. I love those times. I wish that I could quit my routine, and write for days when this happens, capturing the ideas before they float away to be never pieced together again in full by my conscious mind. Of course, I cannot. I still have meals to make, laundry to wash, pull-ups to change, and a child to homeschool. These are not negotiable. However, in my writer's mind I could dream all day writing one track ways entertaining myself days.
I'd like to try to describe this one track way.
My mind is like a one way steel trap sometimes. leaving me feeling that verbalizing my thoughts is like moving my huge awkward pieces of furniture. It's possible, but not without a lot of effort, and planning.
This track thing is hard to describe in words. In my mind it looks like this big green conveyor belt that is a bit cartoonish looking. It creaks, and groans as it moves information along. It looks like something out of a Dr, Seuss book. It's abstract. My mind has no words to assign to it. Only images. The information is on a singular level. I am taking information in. Reading, listening, and soaking it all in quickly. The output is also very quick. The typing, the creating. It's all done moving along on the belt. It is all self driven, and self sustaining. There is no ideas, or information put there from a person in a live conversation. Live conversation at this time would require socializing. The one way track does not transport other people's stuff. Only my own. That requires another track. I don't always have that one available, as I said earlier. I can go get it if the need arises, but it will cost me effort, and energy. It will halt my thoughts. Progress will be stilted. Creating on this particular project might come to a complete standstill never to be picked back up again, because sometimes the green track is emptied as I find the red 2 way track. Once it's emptied I may never be able to refill it with the same quality of ideas as I had. Sometimes they vanish, and that is extraordinarily frustrating.
So, I try to avoid it. I might hesitate to answer phone, and texts. I will piddle around on Facebook, or Twitter, posting, but not answering anyone who messages me. Posting is a one way interaction. Much like writing this entry. I know that I have several other replies to other entries recently that I need to answer. My last post was one that was important, and I appreciate the kind replies I got from friends more than they will probably ever know, but yet here I am, writing a new entry instead of addressing them. Messages will go unanswered, and I will be difficult to locate during these times. I will hide, and sneak around behind the scenes, trying to not let the people that I am needing to reply to see me. I picture them seeing me online, or noticing that I have indeed seen their message, but have not replied, then getting upset. They will think I am rude, don't like them, or are blowing them off. None of those things are the case. I just have a limited amount of energy for output that involves others sometimes. I'm simply just trying to conserve my energy.
For me, this is the biggest problem I have associated with being on the spectrum. It's always this tightrope balancing act between being social, and honoring my natural inclination to be alone with my own thoughts. It's a way of recuperating. It's a natural state for me to be in a quiet reflection of my thoughts. It's how I process. It may look like wasting time to some, but for me it is the best way for me to use my time. Without it I quickly deplete my reserves. I begin to get overwhelmed, and bogged down...losing coping skills. If I lean too much one way then I risk alienating friends, and loved ones. There's never really a happy medium. Either I am feeling pulled apart, scrambling to find my alone time, or upsetting people to the point to where they feel ignored, and slighted by me.
So, if you ever wonder if I am ignoring you because I don't like you, don't appreciate your input, or am just rude please know it's not personal. I'm just on my one way track.