The other day my husband and I were talking to each other about ways we have come to understand each other better and build a stronger marriage by that understanding. I said something about understanding that when he gets upset a ton of super emotional nonsense comes barreling out. His strong emotions become fact and he doesn't make sense. He just starts ranting and can even be insulting, and way exaggerative about everything. He said that I like to argue about everything, debating to the last detail even when it's unimportant. It went something like this:
Him: I have realized that you like to argue.
Me: I do not.
Him: Yes, you do. You like to debate everything. It's part of who you are and I know not to take that personally anymore,
Me: When? When do I debate about meaningless issues? Name a time...
Him: (he just looks at me)
Me: Awwww ok.....yeah. I'm doing that right now aren't I? Oops. Guess, I can be a bit pedantic about some things.
This is something that's deeply ingrained in who I am. It's been my goal for awhile to learn to let things be sometimes without correcting, or demanding proof of other people's assertions. It's an odd thing with me... I can be very warm and empathetic, but at the same time very much the opposite when the situation is different. When I see something wrong, a fact that is being twisted, or distorted, or worse even, an opinion being touted as a fact I *have* to correct it. My inner drive switches and feelings are no longer relevant to me at that time. To me in this moment, it is not personal, it's about virtue. Old conservatives with their rhetoric about Obama, guns, and illegals will make my blood pressure rise in mere seconds. Don't be opening your mouth around me like you know something when you have no facts to back it up. Make that speech of yours hateful and derogatory and it's on. I will let you know just how much you thought you knew and will not allow ad hominem or off topic rants. In other words, if I choose to take up a debate you best bet I know what I'm talking about, or I wouldn't have opened my mouth to begin with. I don't debate subjects that I don't know the facts about.
Anyway, this is a habit that I know can be considered off putting to many, and it's time consuming, as well as emotionally consuming. I can and will get very upset if the other party can't see my POV, especially when I have provided proper proof. Why would one want to go on believing something false? (I think there's a lot of reasons humans lie to themselves to feel better, but that's another post!) This is something I have set out to change about myself the last 6 months. Maybe, not completely obliterate, but take it down a notch or two. I have realized that I have done that quite well in this pursuit this morning.
I saw someone misinformed about a certain issue and make a broad prejudice statement about the whole issue based on a sliver of information. He does this often on line. I almost had my whole arguement laid out inside my head ready to deliver through my finger tips when I realized this would likely take all day of back and forth debating. I decided that I didn't have time for that, and he's just probably going to think what he wants anyway. Then, I thought about it for a minute and I realized that I have not been so easily baited into debates lately at all. The other day my father in law started in Obama, Walmart and guns on my.... I did correct him a few times, but I mostly kept it to myself. He was getting emotional and trying to present a factual argument to someone that's in an emotional mindset is futile, so I directed him to the points we agree on, instead of disagree on and we remained civil. Sometimes, I feel it's more important to make a person feel heard, and find common ground rather than correcting them. Perhaps, when less threatened they'll be more open to your side.
In any event, this was a social skill that I have been working on for many years that I think I finally have a good grasp on! Yay me.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Saturday, November 12, 2011
I Need Help!-Why it's sometimes hard for people on the spectrum to ask for assistance.
I thought that I might write a small follow up to the issue that I talked about in my last entry because I did think about it, and despite me thinking that it was something that wasn't informational, I realized that it could be.
In the entry Things You Wish Adults Knew When You Were A Child there are several comments about being bullied, emotional, or otherwise feeling a bit out of sorts and not having a clue as to how to go about expressing it. One of them is mine. I guess that's the whole point to my last entry. I almost never actually say to anyone 'Hey, I'm struggling here, ' or 'help'. As I said, it simply doesn't occur to me to do so, or I just can't figure it out. When I do finally get out that I'm having trouble as I did on my FB post (I literally said 'I'm falling apart') that's almost an S.O.S. for me.
For one, it's hard to explain my emotions. I have to figure out what I am feeling, label it, and then figure out how to appropriately express that to another human. There's a term called Alexithymia that applies to most people on the spectrum. It's basically the difficulty of processing and describing emotions. I have worked very hard on this, and am able to some degree feel my feelings as they come and label them. It took a couple decades of practice with emotion charts, and perseverance. It wasn't easy. It's hard to ask for help, if you can't even identify that you're feeling down, angry, whatnot. Even physical sensations would not be processed correctly, and still isn't to some degree. Sometimes, when I am sick I get upset easily and have lots of meltdowns, but don't always process the physical sensation of feeling ill. I've had strep throat as an adult for a couple wks before I realized I was sick, but was super difficult to deal with during that time! So, now I know that if I'm getting moody, I may need to check in to see if I am hurting, not feeling well, hungry, thirsty.. ect...
I can now more easily label, say anger when it is occurring. I can't always tell you why it's there, and am frequently left feeling upset, and not knowing why. I have somewhat given up on always tracing back the reasons to my upset feelings. I find it more important that I deal with my feelings in a healthy way, and proficiently, rather than worrying about where or why they are there. I'm still working on doing this steadily. Not there yet, by far.
The criteria for Asperger's lists:
(C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interest or achievements with other people, (e.g.. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(D) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
I'd go so far as to say it's not lack of sharing enjoyment that is near as much the problem as is lack of sharing duress. Either I simply can't due to lack of words, or ability, or it doesn't occur to me do so, literally. In the same way my family complains that they never ever have heard me say 'I want' or 'I'd like to have' X (signaling them what I might like to receive for Christmas and birthdays) I don't think about sharing what I feel or what I need. When I do, it may be understated with emotion to the point that an NT would think it was a minor issue. I was told by the clinician that diagnosed me that my face almost never shows any emotion, at all. So, as I am telling someone how terribly sad, and depressed I am the flat affect of my face my not convey just how serious I am. Even on the internet, I may not have the ability to fully express the amount of pain or suffering I am in or how much I'd like some assistance. When I do, I feel so awkward and so embarrassed that it's likely I will delete it quickly. Here, not as much, because it's an anonymous blog. I feel very vulnerable and almost ashamed of expressing emotion. Writing by far is waaay easier than speaking, though.
So, I thought that perhaps my issue I had a couple days ago might be of some use to parents and loved ones of those on the spectrum if explained fully as to what happened. Why it's hard for us to say we need help, and what the best method is to assist us in telling you ie; writing texting, ect...
In the entry Things You Wish Adults Knew When You Were A Child there are several comments about being bullied, emotional, or otherwise feeling a bit out of sorts and not having a clue as to how to go about expressing it. One of them is mine. I guess that's the whole point to my last entry. I almost never actually say to anyone 'Hey, I'm struggling here, ' or 'help'. As I said, it simply doesn't occur to me to do so, or I just can't figure it out. When I do finally get out that I'm having trouble as I did on my FB post (I literally said 'I'm falling apart') that's almost an S.O.S. for me.
For one, it's hard to explain my emotions. I have to figure out what I am feeling, label it, and then figure out how to appropriately express that to another human. There's a term called Alexithymia that applies to most people on the spectrum. It's basically the difficulty of processing and describing emotions. I have worked very hard on this, and am able to some degree feel my feelings as they come and label them. It took a couple decades of practice with emotion charts, and perseverance. It wasn't easy. It's hard to ask for help, if you can't even identify that you're feeling down, angry, whatnot. Even physical sensations would not be processed correctly, and still isn't to some degree. Sometimes, when I am sick I get upset easily and have lots of meltdowns, but don't always process the physical sensation of feeling ill. I've had strep throat as an adult for a couple wks before I realized I was sick, but was super difficult to deal with during that time! So, now I know that if I'm getting moody, I may need to check in to see if I am hurting, not feeling well, hungry, thirsty.. ect...
I can now more easily label, say anger when it is occurring. I can't always tell you why it's there, and am frequently left feeling upset, and not knowing why. I have somewhat given up on always tracing back the reasons to my upset feelings. I find it more important that I deal with my feelings in a healthy way, and proficiently, rather than worrying about where or why they are there. I'm still working on doing this steadily. Not there yet, by far.
The criteria for Asperger's lists:
(C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interest or achievements with other people, (e.g.. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(D) lack of social or emotional reciprocity
I'd go so far as to say it's not lack of sharing enjoyment that is near as much the problem as is lack of sharing duress. Either I simply can't due to lack of words, or ability, or it doesn't occur to me do so, literally. In the same way my family complains that they never ever have heard me say 'I want' or 'I'd like to have' X (signaling them what I might like to receive for Christmas and birthdays) I don't think about sharing what I feel or what I need. When I do, it may be understated with emotion to the point that an NT would think it was a minor issue. I was told by the clinician that diagnosed me that my face almost never shows any emotion, at all. So, as I am telling someone how terribly sad, and depressed I am the flat affect of my face my not convey just how serious I am. Even on the internet, I may not have the ability to fully express the amount of pain or suffering I am in or how much I'd like some assistance. When I do, I feel so awkward and so embarrassed that it's likely I will delete it quickly. Here, not as much, because it's an anonymous blog. I feel very vulnerable and almost ashamed of expressing emotion. Writing by far is waaay easier than speaking, though.
So, I thought that perhaps my issue I had a couple days ago might be of some use to parents and loved ones of those on the spectrum if explained fully as to what happened. Why it's hard for us to say we need help, and what the best method is to assist us in telling you ie; writing texting, ect...
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
My Contribution To Autistics Speaking Day
Like many people on the spectrum, I wanted to write a blog entry on Autistics Speaking Day which is today. I had forgotten about it until today and have no preconceived topic of relevance to really drive a powerful post home. I know many are writing some heavy powerful, well thought out pieces about what being autistic means to them, and more specifically what it feel like to them to be talked about and around like the original November 1st day Communication Shutdown. I think that perhaps I'll go another route....
I am overjoyed to see this day so prominently displayed across social networks, blogs, and newspapers. It was not long ago something like this would never have been thought possible. You simply didn't talk about your differences in front of others if you were on the spectrum, and parents of ASD kids had little support. When I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome last year the clinician told me that I should tell people that I have AS that I am in regular contact with. My first response to that was that she was crazy! I'd never get taken seriously again! Then she explained to me that my communication differences can look like snubbery, inattention, aloofness, ect.... and that I'd get more compassion from others if I told them. I tried it. One of the hardest was my verbal son's IEP team. They had been running circles around me not wanting to give him the proper supports he needed for his anxiety and other differences. I finally one day in a meeting got all my courage up and shot down their proposals by telling them they did NOT in fact know better than me about what he needs, because I am also on the spectrum. There was no comeback to that.... It was silent. But, they heard me, and despite my fears of being further disregarded, I was listened to. I began to do the same with my nonverbal son's one on on therapists. I made my beefs with ABA, and other tactics clear. I explained to them the reasons why some of us do what we do. They never knew. It wasn't that they didn't care (well some didn't but they don't work for him anymore due to that attitude) they just didn't know. They wanted to know, and were happy to hear. I spoke, and I was listened to. This was a novel experience, indeed.
I actually felt empowered by other's acceptance, and felt more confident. I began this blog, and to advocate further for my boys. I didn't take the attitude from the school 'well, that's just how we do things' because I felt empowered to finally stand up and voice my opinion. There wasn't that long ago that this day wouldn't have happened. The cloud of shame and secrecy has began to dissipate around the world over disabilities. It isn't perfect, or utopia, as so many are still oppressed, and trodden, forgotten about, but it is a start. I think that while things could be improved we have made enough room in today's society to make those changes, to be heard. In my opinion, there is not a better time in history to be autistic.
I am overjoyed to see this day so prominently displayed across social networks, blogs, and newspapers. It was not long ago something like this would never have been thought possible. You simply didn't talk about your differences in front of others if you were on the spectrum, and parents of ASD kids had little support. When I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome last year the clinician told me that I should tell people that I have AS that I am in regular contact with. My first response to that was that she was crazy! I'd never get taken seriously again! Then she explained to me that my communication differences can look like snubbery, inattention, aloofness, ect.... and that I'd get more compassion from others if I told them. I tried it. One of the hardest was my verbal son's IEP team. They had been running circles around me not wanting to give him the proper supports he needed for his anxiety and other differences. I finally one day in a meeting got all my courage up and shot down their proposals by telling them they did NOT in fact know better than me about what he needs, because I am also on the spectrum. There was no comeback to that.... It was silent. But, they heard me, and despite my fears of being further disregarded, I was listened to. I began to do the same with my nonverbal son's one on on therapists. I made my beefs with ABA, and other tactics clear. I explained to them the reasons why some of us do what we do. They never knew. It wasn't that they didn't care (well some didn't but they don't work for him anymore due to that attitude) they just didn't know. They wanted to know, and were happy to hear. I spoke, and I was listened to. This was a novel experience, indeed.
I actually felt empowered by other's acceptance, and felt more confident. I began this blog, and to advocate further for my boys. I didn't take the attitude from the school 'well, that's just how we do things' because I felt empowered to finally stand up and voice my opinion. There wasn't that long ago that this day wouldn't have happened. The cloud of shame and secrecy has began to dissipate around the world over disabilities. It isn't perfect, or utopia, as so many are still oppressed, and trodden, forgotten about, but it is a start. I think that while things could be improved we have made enough room in today's society to make those changes, to be heard. In my opinion, there is not a better time in history to be autistic.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Different Perspectives: Dining Out-Part 2
In my Previous post I talked about some of the sensory difficulties and such that can be associated with going out to dinner when one is on the spectrum. I promised a follow up with some ideas, and suggestions to some of these common problems.
First, let me take you back, just a little bit to how I came about these different ways of doing things. My older child, Bubby is almost 10 years old. He is on the milder end of the spectrum, some doctors say PDD-NOS and other Asperger's, and still others High functioning autism. I tend to to go with HFA, or mild autism, as I don't care much for functioning labels on humans. Anyway, he wasn't diagnosed until he was almost 5 and wouldn't have been then if it weren't for his brother being evaluated due to his unmistakable autism features, namely nonverbal. So, I trudged with him in tow to every place, including restaurants treating him as if he were a typical child until autism came into my awareness when he was 4. He wasn't a typical child and the disparity between my expectations and his behavior became increasingly clear via meltdowns. He threw a whopper of a meltdown every place we went the first 4 yrs of his life, without fail. I came home and cried after every time I attempted to leave the house with him during that time. It was awful. After discovering he was on the spectrum (and subsequently myself) I was able to arm myself with this knowledge. I was able to accommodate what he needs to help him feel comfortable in his environment, and this made all the difference. These little nuggets of info would have made a world of difference in my family's lives 8 years ago, so I am hoping they might help some other parents to be able to go out to eat and have a little time to relax without it being such a drag out struggle.
1. Decide where you want to eat.
I know that seems pretty simple and something you do anyway, but... let's take it back a few steps and think a little more about it.
Firstly, does it have your child's favorite food, or food they like to eat? Many kids on the spectrum will only eat a small variety of things. With my boys, they almost always will insist on chicken strips and fries, or pizza. Where we go must have these things, otherwise there will likely be a meltdown, or at the least some bored kids and wasted food. You can call someone you know who has been there and ask, or call the restaurant and ask. Depending upon where you're going, I have been surprised to find menus on line for many restaurants.
If there is a good chance of no food on the menu that your child will eat, and you need to meet at a specific place, say for a social gathering, then you can bring food in with you. This one is gutsy, and takes courage, but I've done it before when a group of people we were meeting at a European cafe where there were no chicken and fries, or pizza. I had my going out to the zoo/beach bag with us, so we stopped at McDonald's and got the boys some food and brought it with us, purchasing their drinks at the other restaurant., and taking our trash with us. As long as you're patronizing the restaurant you're eating at as much as possible, and it's for special needs only, then I don't see why this isn't okay.
How are your child's waiting skills? Keep in mind your child's emotional, and cognitive level when selecting a place to dine. If they can't stay seated for than a few minutes, or has had some major issues in the past with dining out, then perhaps you may be better off doing fast food. Fast food venues offer quick escapes and quicker overall eating time than other restaurants. Save the nicer places for grown up times, like dates with your spouse for the time being. We rarely took our kids anywhere else for a few years, because Bubby was just unable to handle the slower, more formal atmosphere. Fast food places are excellent places to practice manners and good behavior.
2. How crowded is the establishment likely to be?
Any place around where we live that's any good to eat at, and that's not fast food, is packed during meal times. This is not only an issue for my boys, but also for me. I can't handle the noise and the crowds. It really takes away from my whole experience of going out, which I do enjoy doing. If you know ahead of time that the restaurant might be super busy, then it might be a good idea to go on an off time. Sometimes, we will go at 5:00 or 5:30. Other times, we will have a snack and go closer to 7:00 or 8:00. (the later time sometimes is still just as crowded,so beware of that) If it's busy and we need to go at a peak time, due to not planning ahead, or unforeseen circumstances we will split up and my husband will wait inside and me and the boys will wait in the car or walk around until our table is ready. My husband will text me and the dreadful wait in the shoulder to shoulder crowded corridor is avoided. Also, I sometimes see if there is a 'call ahead list'. It's pretty much the same as reservations, but not as strict of format. That way you can shorten your wait for a table that way.
3. Picking out your table.
I doubt that NTs really ever think about their table placement, much, but I know I sure do! First, if at all possible, always pick a booth. I hate sitting at tables. Booths are much more private, quiet, and block out so much more stimuli. Tables make me anxious and nervous. Plus, I can kind of pen in my boys in booths.
Next, locate where the most noise is coming from. The cash register, the door , the kitchen, ect.. Find the table as far away from these areas as possible. The least amount of traffic and noise, the better. If you have child who is frightened of motor noises it is imperative you not sit by the kitchen where blenders, and other machinery will likely set off a meltdown. Beans is that way, and it really hurts his ears to be subjected to these noises.
4. Ordering
If you are familiar with the restaurant, or already know what your child is going to eat, then by all means, order with your drinks. There's no need for the waitress/waiter to take the orders all at once. If you don't need to see the menu to make a decision, then by all means, get the food on it's way. I know my boys take forever to eat, plus get bored waiting. Letting them get their food quicker is a bonus for everyone! If they are verbal, then let them order for themselves, if they want to. Being able to order food at a restaurant is a very important life skill that may require lots of practice. It's important that they feel confident and encouraged without judgement.
5. Waiting....
Before you leave the house you should pack an entertainment bag of some sorts. Bubby is old enough to remember his own, which now consists of his DS. I used to allow him to pick 2 or 3 Thomas Trains to take to play with, or some other toys that were small and easy to pack up. Beans doesn't play with toys, but likes to tap on random objects. Cardboard being his favorite, especially the little boxes gum comes in. I save those for restaurant and shopping only. They're tiny and novel, because he doesn't get them everyday. People stare. I let them. They will do that more and more as he gets older and his voice continues to deepen when he makes his noises and taps at everything. If he gets to loud I remind him he needs to use a 'quiet mouth' but I have no idea if he even understands me.
6. Manners.
This is more meant for parents than the children here. It's up to us to model appropriate behavior for our kids and to let them know what they can and can't do. If your ASD child is going into meltdown (and you know what that looks like) and can't get calmed down in less than 5 minutes, then please take them outside to walk around or to sit in the car to calm down. There was not one time before my son was 5 that my husband and I didn't have to take turns eating at restaurants due to having to take Bubby out to cool down during his many meltdowns. It's not okay to let your kid scream bloody murder in public and ruin everyone else's meal. Also, even ASD kids need to learn that it's not okay to scream like that in public. Meltdowns are to be dealt with with dignity, not in front of a gaping audience.
The same goes for letting your child run around a restaurant. Not okay. It's disruptive and someone could get hurt. I've seen other ASD parents do this before, then proceed to hand out their Autism Awareness cards. I find that sort of awareness humiliating. My boys were sitting there nicely while theirs were running around, making all sorts of noise and got so far ahead of them he ran out into the parking lot. Sometimes, ASD kids do need to move, and it's okay to walk around with them holding their hand, or even take them outside and walk a few minutes if they need to. I have to do this at times with Beans, though thankfully not Bubby anymore.
I hope that helps make your next dining out experience a little more enjoyable. Let me know if you have any questions or would like to share some tips of your own.
First, let me take you back, just a little bit to how I came about these different ways of doing things. My older child, Bubby is almost 10 years old. He is on the milder end of the spectrum, some doctors say PDD-NOS and other Asperger's, and still others High functioning autism. I tend to to go with HFA, or mild autism, as I don't care much for functioning labels on humans. Anyway, he wasn't diagnosed until he was almost 5 and wouldn't have been then if it weren't for his brother being evaluated due to his unmistakable autism features, namely nonverbal. So, I trudged with him in tow to every place, including restaurants treating him as if he were a typical child until autism came into my awareness when he was 4. He wasn't a typical child and the disparity between my expectations and his behavior became increasingly clear via meltdowns. He threw a whopper of a meltdown every place we went the first 4 yrs of his life, without fail. I came home and cried after every time I attempted to leave the house with him during that time. It was awful. After discovering he was on the spectrum (and subsequently myself) I was able to arm myself with this knowledge. I was able to accommodate what he needs to help him feel comfortable in his environment, and this made all the difference. These little nuggets of info would have made a world of difference in my family's lives 8 years ago, so I am hoping they might help some other parents to be able to go out to eat and have a little time to relax without it being such a drag out struggle.
1. Decide where you want to eat.
I know that seems pretty simple and something you do anyway, but... let's take it back a few steps and think a little more about it.
Firstly, does it have your child's favorite food, or food they like to eat? Many kids on the spectrum will only eat a small variety of things. With my boys, they almost always will insist on chicken strips and fries, or pizza. Where we go must have these things, otherwise there will likely be a meltdown, or at the least some bored kids and wasted food. You can call someone you know who has been there and ask, or call the restaurant and ask. Depending upon where you're going, I have been surprised to find menus on line for many restaurants.
If there is a good chance of no food on the menu that your child will eat, and you need to meet at a specific place, say for a social gathering, then you can bring food in with you. This one is gutsy, and takes courage, but I've done it before when a group of people we were meeting at a European cafe where there were no chicken and fries, or pizza. I had my going out to the zoo/beach bag with us, so we stopped at McDonald's and got the boys some food and brought it with us, purchasing their drinks at the other restaurant., and taking our trash with us. As long as you're patronizing the restaurant you're eating at as much as possible, and it's for special needs only, then I don't see why this isn't okay.
How are your child's waiting skills? Keep in mind your child's emotional, and cognitive level when selecting a place to dine. If they can't stay seated for than a few minutes, or has had some major issues in the past with dining out, then perhaps you may be better off doing fast food. Fast food venues offer quick escapes and quicker overall eating time than other restaurants. Save the nicer places for grown up times, like dates with your spouse for the time being. We rarely took our kids anywhere else for a few years, because Bubby was just unable to handle the slower, more formal atmosphere. Fast food places are excellent places to practice manners and good behavior.
2. How crowded is the establishment likely to be?
Any place around where we live that's any good to eat at, and that's not fast food, is packed during meal times. This is not only an issue for my boys, but also for me. I can't handle the noise and the crowds. It really takes away from my whole experience of going out, which I do enjoy doing. If you know ahead of time that the restaurant might be super busy, then it might be a good idea to go on an off time. Sometimes, we will go at 5:00 or 5:30. Other times, we will have a snack and go closer to 7:00 or 8:00. (the later time sometimes is still just as crowded,so beware of that) If it's busy and we need to go at a peak time, due to not planning ahead, or unforeseen circumstances we will split up and my husband will wait inside and me and the boys will wait in the car or walk around until our table is ready. My husband will text me and the dreadful wait in the shoulder to shoulder crowded corridor is avoided. Also, I sometimes see if there is a 'call ahead list'. It's pretty much the same as reservations, but not as strict of format. That way you can shorten your wait for a table that way.
3. Picking out your table.
I doubt that NTs really ever think about their table placement, much, but I know I sure do! First, if at all possible, always pick a booth. I hate sitting at tables. Booths are much more private, quiet, and block out so much more stimuli. Tables make me anxious and nervous. Plus, I can kind of pen in my boys in booths.
Next, locate where the most noise is coming from. The cash register, the door , the kitchen, ect.. Find the table as far away from these areas as possible. The least amount of traffic and noise, the better. If you have child who is frightened of motor noises it is imperative you not sit by the kitchen where blenders, and other machinery will likely set off a meltdown. Beans is that way, and it really hurts his ears to be subjected to these noises.
4. Ordering
If you are familiar with the restaurant, or already know what your child is going to eat, then by all means, order with your drinks. There's no need for the waitress/waiter to take the orders all at once. If you don't need to see the menu to make a decision, then by all means, get the food on it's way. I know my boys take forever to eat, plus get bored waiting. Letting them get their food quicker is a bonus for everyone! If they are verbal, then let them order for themselves, if they want to. Being able to order food at a restaurant is a very important life skill that may require lots of practice. It's important that they feel confident and encouraged without judgement.
5. Waiting....
Before you leave the house you should pack an entertainment bag of some sorts. Bubby is old enough to remember his own, which now consists of his DS. I used to allow him to pick 2 or 3 Thomas Trains to take to play with, or some other toys that were small and easy to pack up. Beans doesn't play with toys, but likes to tap on random objects. Cardboard being his favorite, especially the little boxes gum comes in. I save those for restaurant and shopping only. They're tiny and novel, because he doesn't get them everyday. People stare. I let them. They will do that more and more as he gets older and his voice continues to deepen when he makes his noises and taps at everything. If he gets to loud I remind him he needs to use a 'quiet mouth' but I have no idea if he even understands me.
6. Manners.
This is more meant for parents than the children here. It's up to us to model appropriate behavior for our kids and to let them know what they can and can't do. If your ASD child is going into meltdown (and you know what that looks like) and can't get calmed down in less than 5 minutes, then please take them outside to walk around or to sit in the car to calm down. There was not one time before my son was 5 that my husband and I didn't have to take turns eating at restaurants due to having to take Bubby out to cool down during his many meltdowns. It's not okay to let your kid scream bloody murder in public and ruin everyone else's meal. Also, even ASD kids need to learn that it's not okay to scream like that in public. Meltdowns are to be dealt with with dignity, not in front of a gaping audience.
The same goes for letting your child run around a restaurant. Not okay. It's disruptive and someone could get hurt. I've seen other ASD parents do this before, then proceed to hand out their Autism Awareness cards. I find that sort of awareness humiliating. My boys were sitting there nicely while theirs were running around, making all sorts of noise and got so far ahead of them he ran out into the parking lot. Sometimes, ASD kids do need to move, and it's okay to walk around with them holding their hand, or even take them outside and walk a few minutes if they need to. I have to do this at times with Beans, though thankfully not Bubby anymore.
I hope that helps make your next dining out experience a little more enjoyable. Let me know if you have any questions or would like to share some tips of your own.
Different Perspectives: Dining Out
This entry I would like to discuss dining out and how that might effect someone on the spectrum. I'm using the word 'person' instead of child, because I find that they sensory experience can be daunting for autistic children and adults alike. I will also follow up this entry with a some practical ideas to help make dining out more enjoyable of an experience for everyone.
NT Perspective:
I admit that I don't know exactly how NTs feel while having dinner out... I'm guessing that they have a filter that easily filters out most of the background noise, thus freeing them up to socialize. They can listen to the music, talk to friends and enjoy their meal all at the same time. This tends to be a very popular and enjoyable multi-sensory experience for them. Good food and good company seems to be a pretty common goal for most social experiences.
Autistic Perspective:
For someone with autism dining out can be enjoyable, but is often filled with anxiety. Oftentimes, some people on the spectrum are very uneasy trying someplace new. They might be unsure if they will like what's on the menu, or how it is prepared. (Remember, we can get so tripped up in our anxiety that we forget that the current situation isn't forever and that there may be another option that we aren't thinking about at that moment,) Once inside, there might be a wait, which for young kids on the spectrum might be too much to deal with. Most restaurants have music playing, which is extraordinarily loud to most of us. I often find that I can't hear over the music to be able to listen to conversations. Too much sensory input starts making everything get all garbled. When that happens my head starts feeling confused and cloudy. I might get irritable. Very low light bothers me when it's arranged in certain ways. I don't know how to explain it differently, other than there are some lighting fixtures and arrangements that bother my eyes. Sitting still in a booth or table can be challenging for on the move types. This isn't squirmy like all kids get, but a real sensory need to move around and physically interact with one's environment. I almost always feel cold in restaurants, which make it harder for me to deal with other sensory stimuli that is unpleasant.
With all that being said, my family and I really do like to go out to eat. It took lots of effort and trials and errors before we have found some workable solutions to some of these issues I've discussed here. I'll be outlining some of these ideas, and suggestions in my next entry.
NT Perspective:
I admit that I don't know exactly how NTs feel while having dinner out... I'm guessing that they have a filter that easily filters out most of the background noise, thus freeing them up to socialize. They can listen to the music, talk to friends and enjoy their meal all at the same time. This tends to be a very popular and enjoyable multi-sensory experience for them. Good food and good company seems to be a pretty common goal for most social experiences.
Autistic Perspective:
For someone with autism dining out can be enjoyable, but is often filled with anxiety. Oftentimes, some people on the spectrum are very uneasy trying someplace new. They might be unsure if they will like what's on the menu, or how it is prepared. (Remember, we can get so tripped up in our anxiety that we forget that the current situation isn't forever and that there may be another option that we aren't thinking about at that moment,) Once inside, there might be a wait, which for young kids on the spectrum might be too much to deal with. Most restaurants have music playing, which is extraordinarily loud to most of us. I often find that I can't hear over the music to be able to listen to conversations. Too much sensory input starts making everything get all garbled. When that happens my head starts feeling confused and cloudy. I might get irritable. Very low light bothers me when it's arranged in certain ways. I don't know how to explain it differently, other than there are some lighting fixtures and arrangements that bother my eyes. Sitting still in a booth or table can be challenging for on the move types. This isn't squirmy like all kids get, but a real sensory need to move around and physically interact with one's environment. I almost always feel cold in restaurants, which make it harder for me to deal with other sensory stimuli that is unpleasant.
With all that being said, my family and I really do like to go out to eat. It took lots of effort and trials and errors before we have found some workable solutions to some of these issues I've discussed here. I'll be outlining some of these ideas, and suggestions in my next entry.
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