There's this phenomenon that happens to me sometimes when I'm talking to someone. It's a source of great frustration. It occurs at different times. There's more than one type, but the end result it always non-communication.
For example, I might have something that happened to me that I'm excited to talk about,or something I read. (Yes, I get super excited to share things I read about with others. :) ) I wait all day for my husband to come home so I can tell him. He comes in and starts talking about his day. He goes on and on... totally not following my script of what I envisioned. I begin to try to reroute the words to fit the new criteria. I can't. The words get stuck. They won't come out. They swim around inside my head in circles not making sense. I feel so frustrated that I want to cry, and sometimes I do. I have to wait until later to tell him what I wanted to, because at that moment I am way too overwhelmed.
Another scenario is when I am in a group of people having a conversation. My brain can't seem to process their words fast enough to keep up with the conversation. I have words that I'd like to add to the conversation. I have opinions that I can vaguely make out inside my head with fuzzy pictures and fluttering words. I just can't get them out fast enough. This also happens when I get overwhelmed by sensory or emotion. I feel like a computer running on too little RAM. I can type, but feel overwhelmed with the prospect of verbalizing what I want to say. Sometimes, I will repeat the same thing over and over. Others, I will give a quick short answer that may not be my true thoughts, but rather what I think will get you to leave me alone, because my real explanation would take too many words and right at that moment, each word verbalized is painful.
The frustration that this causes immense. I have to wonder if this is how my nonverbal son feels all the time? Does he have these elaborate thoughts, or even simple wants and needs that he desperately wants to share with others, but can't? When I get this way I find it so isolating. I feel like I can't connect with others, because there is this wall of miscommunication between us. Does he feel this way all the time? Does he feel this way sometimes? Does he feel lonely? I know that I do at times when I can't share my thoughts.
So, when you ask an autistic child to 'use their words' as is so common, please, please remember that they're probably trying their best. They're already frustrated about it and aren't not using their words just to be lazy or get out of putting in effort.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Finding Option B
For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away. The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming. I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing. That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation. I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people. That I was defective.
By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had. I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool. I began to obsess. My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy. The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy. I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate. Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups. I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me. The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say. By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in. I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me. The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world. It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks. I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.
The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older. As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend. It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize. I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs. The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.
When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd. I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them. I thought there was no option B. There was only be like them-option A. When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year. I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences. I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time. I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite. If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list. I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone. They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.
Then I came upon option B. If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it. I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted. I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them. Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about. Their outings were not to places I like to frequent. I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback. I could never do that. I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions. I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway. It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself. I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite! I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need. I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience.
The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older. As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend. It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize. I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs. The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.
When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd. I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them. I thought there was no option B. There was only be like them-option A. When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year. I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences. I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time. I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite. If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list. I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone. They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.
Then I came upon option B. If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it. I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted. I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them. Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about. Their outings were not to places I like to frequent. I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback. I could never do that. I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions. I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway. It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself. I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite! I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need. I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Dreams
I awoke this morning with a dream stuck in my head that I knew meant something important. No, I don't mean in a psychic prediction sort of way. I don't believe in that sort of stuff. I mean in a subconscious, psychological, symbolic sort of way.
Dreams have long been of fascination to me. I believe they contain a lot of stuff that we have going on behind the scenes. Our thoughts and emotions are woven intricately into stories of faraway places, as well as the mundane. They represent the ideas, hopes dreams, as well as our deepest fears, and forgotten memories. I have studied dream symbols and dictionaries, and kept dream journals for many years. Not to brag, but I am quite good at deciphering the meaning of mine and other people's dreams and helping others to find direction with what their subconscious is telling them.
In last night's dream I was at a place where they teach people to canoe. All the participants were couples, so I was waiting my turn for instruction with my husband. What was odd about this place was that typically one goes out to a lake for to canoe, but this was at an ocean. I felt confused and and intimidated by going the task ahead of me. I started searching for new clothes to wear and was trying on different outfits. (This is a common theme in my dream) The instructor told me that it wouldn't matter what I wore, because being in the canoe was all I had to worry about. So, then I protested that I can't do it, because I can't swim. She told me that no one ever falls out of the canoe. The most important thing about learning to canoe is doing it. She said she guaranteed 100% that I would not drown. I awoke when my husband and I got in and began paddling away into the rushing waves.
According to dream dictionaries a canoe means that one is headed for peace and serenity, as well as emotional balance. It's a sign of independence and emotional balance. It's also about being able to go on with determination. I feel like this is symbolic of the place that I have come to emotionally through trials and hard work with my husband. My journey through a harrowing depression has been hard, but I do feel that I have found a place of peace to rest in with my new found use of mindfulness and meditation.
The changing of the clothes is also a telling reoccurring symbol for me. Clothing represents our public self in dreams. It is who we try to be for the rest of the world. They are our image. In my old dreams about clothes, I am usually changing into clothes for an important event where there will be lots of people, but none will work. They are always too small, mismatched, under dressy, or over dressy. One shoe is lost, or doesn't fit. In this dream, my clothes fit, but I was not sure which to wear. This suggests that my image or role is changing, and I'm, trying to adapt to keep up. The answer the teacher (my wise mind) gave me was spot on. It doesn't matter how you show up to meet the challenge, just as long as you show up. All of my anxiety over how I look and weather I measure up to others doesn't matter.I can feel inadequate, but I don't have to give in and sabotage my efforts with my feelings. I think the lesson is finally sinking in.
The ocean in my dream has much the same meaning as the canoe. It's a symbol of refreshment and unhindered courage. I am feeling empowered and positive. The waters were a bit rough in my dream, but I felt prepared.
All in all, I feel this was a positive dream about equilibrium that I have recently found this last year. I feel that it is a positive sign that the practice of mindfulness and compassion has begun to change my perspective for the better. My anxiety is no long in the driver's seat and with that I have new purpose.
Dreams have long been of fascination to me. I believe they contain a lot of stuff that we have going on behind the scenes. Our thoughts and emotions are woven intricately into stories of faraway places, as well as the mundane. They represent the ideas, hopes dreams, as well as our deepest fears, and forgotten memories. I have studied dream symbols and dictionaries, and kept dream journals for many years. Not to brag, but I am quite good at deciphering the meaning of mine and other people's dreams and helping others to find direction with what their subconscious is telling them.
In last night's dream I was at a place where they teach people to canoe. All the participants were couples, so I was waiting my turn for instruction with my husband. What was odd about this place was that typically one goes out to a lake for to canoe, but this was at an ocean. I felt confused and and intimidated by going the task ahead of me. I started searching for new clothes to wear and was trying on different outfits. (This is a common theme in my dream) The instructor told me that it wouldn't matter what I wore, because being in the canoe was all I had to worry about. So, then I protested that I can't do it, because I can't swim. She told me that no one ever falls out of the canoe. The most important thing about learning to canoe is doing it. She said she guaranteed 100% that I would not drown. I awoke when my husband and I got in and began paddling away into the rushing waves.
According to dream dictionaries a canoe means that one is headed for peace and serenity, as well as emotional balance. It's a sign of independence and emotional balance. It's also about being able to go on with determination. I feel like this is symbolic of the place that I have come to emotionally through trials and hard work with my husband. My journey through a harrowing depression has been hard, but I do feel that I have found a place of peace to rest in with my new found use of mindfulness and meditation.
The changing of the clothes is also a telling reoccurring symbol for me. Clothing represents our public self in dreams. It is who we try to be for the rest of the world. They are our image. In my old dreams about clothes, I am usually changing into clothes for an important event where there will be lots of people, but none will work. They are always too small, mismatched, under dressy, or over dressy. One shoe is lost, or doesn't fit. In this dream, my clothes fit, but I was not sure which to wear. This suggests that my image or role is changing, and I'm, trying to adapt to keep up. The answer the teacher (my wise mind) gave me was spot on. It doesn't matter how you show up to meet the challenge, just as long as you show up. All of my anxiety over how I look and weather I measure up to others doesn't matter.I can feel inadequate, but I don't have to give in and sabotage my efforts with my feelings. I think the lesson is finally sinking in.
The ocean in my dream has much the same meaning as the canoe. It's a symbol of refreshment and unhindered courage. I am feeling empowered and positive. The waters were a bit rough in my dream, but I felt prepared.
All in all, I feel this was a positive dream about equilibrium that I have recently found this last year. I feel that it is a positive sign that the practice of mindfulness and compassion has begun to change my perspective for the better. My anxiety is no long in the driver's seat and with that I have new purpose.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Compassion > Judgment = True Inclusion
This morning I came across a blog post by a mother of two special needs kids about a site called Too Big. (I'm not gonna link the site, because I'm not wanting to drive traffic to it. Nor, do I care to even look at it.) The blog post is called Tides We Shouldn't Have To Swim Against . In it the author, Julia Roberts, talks about how a site like Too Big helps spread the biased, discriminatory attitude that any of us with disabilities ourselves, or have children with disabilities/special needs face everyday.
Basically, from what I've gathered, the site is composed of pictures of kids with their faces somewhat covered that are in strollers that are beyond the typical size most kids would require one. I already don't see how that is so funny, even if the kids don't have special needs. What's even more, the idiots that make the site actually think it's worthwhile enough to make fun of little kids that they pay to put up a website to do it. That's what caliber of people we're dealing with here. I don't expect to make them understand somehow that what they're doing is not okay, and harmful. When someone is that awful on the inside it would take much, much more than me and a few others complaining to get them to see, or care how they're affecting others. I'm not sure that anything could get someone that is that much of a bully to change. I just hope that by saying something to others that may visit the site, or another like it at some point, we might put that little bit of knowledge in their head of the other side of what they're looking at. That there may be more than meets the eye when you encounter something that seems out of the ordinary. Maybe, instead of laughing and staring one ought to have a bit of compassion. One of my favorite sayings is that 'you can't know everything about everybody.' Meaning, that everyone has their own life, their own struggle, their own story, their own pain, their own private life and this affects how they behave and come across to others. I find that it's best to always try to practice compassion when we encounter behavior or people we don't understand, because we can't always know the other side of the story. It's when we look through the eyes of compassion that we can truly see the other person as they are, not who we think they are, or what attachment of ourselves we're putting onto them. That's all our judgement is, anyway. It's a biased belief we hold as a result of our perception of what we think we see, or don't see.
I hope that the Too Big site disappears soon due to lack of interest on the public's part. I know that I have gotten the ugly looks when my son was younger and I still used a stroller. It wasn't because he was unable to walk. Much to the opposite, as he would run and was impossible to keep by my side at any given moment. Add that to the fact that my older son was also a runner, I had to employ methods to keep them both safe. Since, Beans was unable to even so much as acknowledge when he was being spoken to, much less follow directions, or hold my hand, I chose to use a stroller until he was about 5. Then, I used a harness for about a year, which also garnered it's fair share of attention. One thing I was adamant about was that I was not going to let others make me or my children feel inadequate. I never once flinched in the adversity of stares, or kept Beans at home unless I thought he would be uncomfortable with where we were going. He has every right to be out in public. So, special needs parents everywhere... hold your head high and do what is best for your family even when it may not always be the most popular, or comfortable. Inclusion means everyone.
Basically, from what I've gathered, the site is composed of pictures of kids with their faces somewhat covered that are in strollers that are beyond the typical size most kids would require one. I already don't see how that is so funny, even if the kids don't have special needs. What's even more, the idiots that make the site actually think it's worthwhile enough to make fun of little kids that they pay to put up a website to do it. That's what caliber of people we're dealing with here. I don't expect to make them understand somehow that what they're doing is not okay, and harmful. When someone is that awful on the inside it would take much, much more than me and a few others complaining to get them to see, or care how they're affecting others. I'm not sure that anything could get someone that is that much of a bully to change. I just hope that by saying something to others that may visit the site, or another like it at some point, we might put that little bit of knowledge in their head of the other side of what they're looking at. That there may be more than meets the eye when you encounter something that seems out of the ordinary. Maybe, instead of laughing and staring one ought to have a bit of compassion. One of my favorite sayings is that 'you can't know everything about everybody.' Meaning, that everyone has their own life, their own struggle, their own story, their own pain, their own private life and this affects how they behave and come across to others. I find that it's best to always try to practice compassion when we encounter behavior or people we don't understand, because we can't always know the other side of the story. It's when we look through the eyes of compassion that we can truly see the other person as they are, not who we think they are, or what attachment of ourselves we're putting onto them. That's all our judgement is, anyway. It's a biased belief we hold as a result of our perception of what we think we see, or don't see.
I hope that the Too Big site disappears soon due to lack of interest on the public's part. I know that I have gotten the ugly looks when my son was younger and I still used a stroller. It wasn't because he was unable to walk. Much to the opposite, as he would run and was impossible to keep by my side at any given moment. Add that to the fact that my older son was also a runner, I had to employ methods to keep them both safe. Since, Beans was unable to even so much as acknowledge when he was being spoken to, much less follow directions, or hold my hand, I chose to use a stroller until he was about 5. Then, I used a harness for about a year, which also garnered it's fair share of attention. One thing I was adamant about was that I was not going to let others make me or my children feel inadequate. I never once flinched in the adversity of stares, or kept Beans at home unless I thought he would be uncomfortable with where we were going. He has every right to be out in public. So, special needs parents everywhere... hold your head high and do what is best for your family even when it may not always be the most popular, or comfortable. Inclusion means everyone.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Back to school with Autism tips:
It's that time of year again. We've fought the madness of the school supply isle of the local store, bags are packed, new school clothes are washed...Ready for a new school year to begin.
If you have kids with special needs there may be a few more things to do. I have a few tips for parents that may be new to the special ed system and are looking to make their child's transition back to school as smooth as possible.
1. Make an info sheet about your child for the school staff.
I used to e-mail this list to my son's teacher, but after getting the feeling that they sped read it once then deleted it, I decided that this year I'd print one out and give one to everyone who will be working with my son. This sheet should include the following info:
* Your phone number and e-mail
* What your child likes to do, hobbies, ect.. (this helps to identify them as individuals, not just another student)
*What your child's strengths and skills are
*What special needs your child might have and how to identify their needs ie; I list the signs of my son when he's about to go into meltdown, or is already in one.
*List the proper protocol for dealing with problem behaviors and other issues that may come up. For my son, I list all the things that will calm him when he gets upset and how I expect them to remain respectful of him, because he can't help some of these things.
2. Make a very short info sheet for substitutes:
I always get the feeling that subs are not informed of IEPs and special needs that need to be attended to in the general ed classroom. So this year I have decided to make a very brief sheet with my son's picture at the top of it stating his name and that he has autism, and a few things to be aware of . Brief and to the point. The list of things to be aware of should only be 5 or 6 bullet points. Just something to give the sub a heads up that your child has special needs.
3. Put together an info packet for the new teacher:
Sometimes, I will put together a folder of info for a new teacher about autism. There are some teachers that want to know more about autism and I will give them a folder full of useful info. There are some that you can tell don't care and don't want to know. How much info to share is really dependent on the teacher's attitude. If the teacher is not very willing to learn very much of anything about your child's disability, then you are best suited to fill the folder with as little information that is pertinent, and to the point as possible. This increases the chances that they'll at least look at it.
Do you have any tips to share?
If you have kids with special needs there may be a few more things to do. I have a few tips for parents that may be new to the special ed system and are looking to make their child's transition back to school as smooth as possible.
1. Make an info sheet about your child for the school staff.
I used to e-mail this list to my son's teacher, but after getting the feeling that they sped read it once then deleted it, I decided that this year I'd print one out and give one to everyone who will be working with my son. This sheet should include the following info:
* Your phone number and e-mail
* What your child likes to do, hobbies, ect.. (this helps to identify them as individuals, not just another student)
*What your child's strengths and skills are
*What special needs your child might have and how to identify their needs ie; I list the signs of my son when he's about to go into meltdown, or is already in one.
*List the proper protocol for dealing with problem behaviors and other issues that may come up. For my son, I list all the things that will calm him when he gets upset and how I expect them to remain respectful of him, because he can't help some of these things.
2. Make a very short info sheet for substitutes:
I always get the feeling that subs are not informed of IEPs and special needs that need to be attended to in the general ed classroom. So this year I have decided to make a very brief sheet with my son's picture at the top of it stating his name and that he has autism, and a few things to be aware of . Brief and to the point. The list of things to be aware of should only be 5 or 6 bullet points. Just something to give the sub a heads up that your child has special needs.
3. Put together an info packet for the new teacher:
Sometimes, I will put together a folder of info for a new teacher about autism. There are some teachers that want to know more about autism and I will give them a folder full of useful info. There are some that you can tell don't care and don't want to know. How much info to share is really dependent on the teacher's attitude. If the teacher is not very willing to learn very much of anything about your child's disability, then you are best suited to fill the folder with as little information that is pertinent, and to the point as possible. This increases the chances that they'll at least look at it.
Do you have any tips to share?
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