There has been more than one post here on this blog began recently by me only to be abandoned in the draft folder, unfinished, and gathering mental dust. I'm not one to usually start a writing project, and then move to another before finishing the first. When I do, it is usually certain death for the first piece, as I never again get my thoughts back on track to completion. I tend to forget where I was going, and it all gets derailed.
This time is different. Or, maybe it isn't in the grand scheme of finished products, but in the situation behind what is driving my haphazard writing. In the last few months I have been suffering from migraines. They seem to be be getting progressively worse to the point where I am now, which is almost always in a constant vortex of pain, nausea, and vertigo. I lose my words. My thoughts get lost in a cloudy fog of confusion. I find it difficult to complete daily tasks that need to be completed, and things like writing get put way at the end of my to do list. My ability to read, and write is so compromised at this point that being able to complete more than a few sentences with comprehension fully intact is difficult at best.
This has been exceptionally hard for me, because I am a very active person. I am fully dedicated to my fitness routines, and am always baking, cleaning, and playing with Beans. When I am not up, and moving I am mentally engaged in writing, couponing, social media, and more. I am rarely sitting still passively watching TV, or something like that, so when an illness strikes me that compromises all those things, the things that make me feel like me, I have extreme difficulty coping.
I have been still doing quite a lot of those things, just on a different level. The housework, and looking after Beans is mandatory. Things still have to get done, and so I do them. I don't lie down when I have a migraine. I just push through the pain. This does not mean I am not in pain. My sensory system, as well as my personality (which is driven my a masochistic level of perfectionism. I have been
working on dealing with the obsessive perfectionism, but that is another
topic for another post for another day.) deals with pain differently. My sensory system, now that is directly related to my autism. It scrambles pain signals, and the way I express pain is also different. I almost never act like anything is an emergency, even when it is. My affect will never convey the actual level of pain that I am, or am not in. Since I have a new doctor I thought that this was going to be very difficult to express. I had only seen him one time, in which I had not disclosed the diagnosis of Asperger's. In preparation of this appointment I prepared a list of symptoms that occur when I have these headaches, as well as tucked my psychological evaluation papers into my purse. I really thought that I'd be met with disbelief about my disclosure, and have to show him proof. To my surprise, he was not the least bit skeptical. He didn't question it at all. He also mentioned that he knew I never got to rest, and how that must take everything I have everyday, because Beans is so busy, and active all day. He understood. That was so amazing. All of my negative expectations (which were probably exaggerated knowing me! lol) were all for naught. I was really expecting so much dismissal. He did mention that since Beans has such a high level of need I must be able to be on top of things, and it's dangerous for me not to be able to do that. With migraines a person's brain swells, and pushes on the skull. This causes all sorts of issues, but among them is confusion, and memory issues. This is happening a lot with me. My brain is, to put it simply, not working right. I can't think, and I can't remember things. This is very hard for me, since I am one that is used to my brain being quick witted, and one of my best attributes. It would be hard for anyone, really, I am doing ridiculous things like forgetting to use oven mitts, and in what order to do everyday things in. I lose my words, and walk into rooms, and can't remember why I'm there. All day, every day.
I'm not sure where I was going with this post, because I lost my train of thought, and have tried to find it again, and again.... This isn't really one of those posts where I share a well executed story, or some information designed to share something I know with you. It's more of a personal ramble of sorts. I haven't been posting as much on here, or on my page, and this is why. I also have some projects that I promised a few people, but haven't gotten done. This is why. I am trying some new medications that will hopefully help me to feel better. Fingers crossed. I hope to be back to posting regularly soon!