Friday, August 10, 2012

Anger and Isolation

I know my blog has been a bit of a downer lately. And, the post I'm about to write is going to be no exception, so I apologize in advance for this. I know that I shouldn't, but I am, because I just feel more comfortable giving an apology, or some sort of warning before proceeding to vent all my issues into your brain, so at least you have been warned and can go read something more positive if you're not in the mood to read about negative life circumstances right now.

In most of my life I have been the one to be carry the blame. The one that was everything was kind of dumped on. I grew up in a situation that no child should have to. Of course, this this is the past and I don't live there anymore. I understand that and fully accept it, but that doesn't mean that emotionally I am able to fully adapt to current circumstances. It doesn't mean that I have the emotional skills to navigate in a life where I am always waiting for the next time I'm going to be scapegoated.  I spent the first 30 or so years of my life trying to make it all work, keeping up as best as I could before I finally said no more to it all. I got angry. This is a relatively new emotion for me. I used to not get angry.  Now, I am hyperviligant about protecting my space and my rights. I am downright bitchy if I feel my rights are being violated.  I went from one extreme to another, which is adversely affecting my marriage.Used to be that my husband was the one with anger issues. He used to rule the house with his temper. He has worked on this behavior and it's markedly better the last 4 yrs.  Now, I am the one with the quick temper.  I am getting counseling and working on being more even tempered. This is going to be a long process. Years of abuse and mistreatment has to be dealt with.  My husband is the only person I have to lean on. I don't have one family member that I can call for help. Not one. My husband's side is also just as busy being dysfunctional in their own ways. As soon as autism entered our lives, one by one each and every one of them left. People with that level of dysfunction and narcissism cannot see outside of themselves long enough to deal with someone like Beans, because he forces them to be real. He forces them to bend their needs to fit his, because he has a great level of need. Not a one can do that, so they don't come over. They don't invite us to gatherings. They just don't.  Relatives will come into town, visit other relatives and not even call or stop by our house. This is my reality. Unfortunately, this is my whole families reality. My kids don't get the grandparent experience. The last time my daughter visited my mother she spent the whole time telling her what a worthless person I was and how she deserved to be treated better for all that she did for me. My daughter didn't agree, so my mother doesn't talk to her, either. No birthday cards, no phone calls, no nothing to any of my kids. When I go to fill out forms for school and such I pretty much have to make up info for emergency contacts. If they can't get ahold of me or my husband in an emergency then they've pretty much exhausted the limit of people available.  It's us and only us. 

So, with all this stress... my husband working 10-14 hours days seven days a week, and me doing the rest with no break, no support from anyone I get moody. I get moody and I take it out on who the only other adult in my life, which is my husband. He said he needed a break and slept away last night.  I don't know when he is coming home, or if things will work out, or even why I am writing this. I'm sure things will get better. I'm sure progress will be made and life will improve if I keep trying. It's just hard sometimes, but I suppose everyone's is.