Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Safer To Be Alone and the Bubby List.

I said earlier in my video post that I would talk about what Bubby's teacher told me at conferences 3 or 4 weeks ago.  I am still a little emotional about it, but I think that I can make a post without crying all over my keyboard now, at least.

I have noticed that Bubby seems to not want any peers to spend any time with him in the last few months that wasn't mandatory.  He turns away any child that comes to the door.  If he does let them in, he begrudgingly plays with them, but only what he wants to play and for a short time.  I had wondered why this is so. A few years ago, he would have been delighted to have a friend over.  In fact, he asked for it, often.  This shift has been setting on my mind precariously.  I knew it had a reason behind it, and I had a feeling it wasn't a good one, necessarily.  I was correct.

I found my answer at conferences.  I sat there leaning forward earnestly in the little tiny chairs waiting to hear how great Bubby was doing.  He is usually so well liked by the staff and tends to be a favorite of many teachers.  His teacher is wonderful, just the most empathetic, warm, nurturing Grandma type you could ask for.  I was hoping for his most spectacular year, because she is just so supportive. But, his peers, it seems have noticed his differences.  She said that he 'marches down the hall like a Hitler march' (I'm guessing she means goosestepping) and it makes people stop and stare.  It makes them laugh and point, which makes him mad and upset.  He rocks in his seat and I'm sure hums, as that's his favorite stim.  He tells on every eye roll, or push he receives, garnering no level of importance for a genuine put down to a mannerism meaning they would like him to stop talking.  He tells on them all just the same.  He becomes offended by them all just the same, and she said, he keeps score.  Once you've been on the list of 'people Bubby don't like' you are likely never to leave the list.  I can understand this, because I am a lot the same.  I am more flexible and have levels to my lists, but I am much older.  She sees this as a character flaw on his part, because as she put it 'if you block out everyone who ever upsets you forever, you will have no one left'.  She also says that he does not ever partner up with any peer for anything.  He prefers to be alone, almost all of the time.  There was only one girl (it's always girls with him) that he made friends with and she was only a temporary student his year, unfortunately.

Of course, we talked to her about telling the kids that he does these things to hep regulate his sensory system, but do 4th graders really know what that means? Do they care?  We also suggested that she read 'All Cats Have Asperger's' to the class to help explain it to them in a way they may be able to explain it. His 2nd grade teacher read it to his class, but it was his class that year.  There's different kids in his class every year.  I am hoping that is they understand why he behaves the way he does that they may be more understanding of his differences.  I figure, we might as well identify them, and bring them out for discussion, because if we don't they'll come to their own conclusions about things, and they will probably be less than kind.

The part that makes me the most sad, is the wall of isolation he is putting up.  His teacher seems to see it as an inflexible thinking pattern.  A black and white solution to a social problem, that is further lending itself to more problems.  I know what it is.  I understand why it is there, and it's the reason I am so sad for him.  He has decided that people are unpredictable, and manipulating.  They do things in sneaky ways that are defined in their body language, or in a facial expression.  He is unable to read these things with accuracy.  He has decided that it is safer and easier to just be alone.He has realized that he is at the bottom of the social pecking order and will not be able to climb up.  He was probably unaware that there was one until recently.  He just knows that everyone else seems to have more info, more knowledge, more experience, more intuition than him at any given moment and he will be subject to ridicule and dislike without provocation.  I know for every time the teacher has caught someone teasing him, or bullying him, it has happened at least five times where she didn't.  He knows a truth that most autistics learn and that is most people can't be trusted.  It is safer to be alone.

I was hoping that possibly his life wouldn't be this way.  I was hoping that maybe he would have an easier time of it.  I was wrong.  People are still people, and social protocol is still basically the same.  I was much older before I figured this all out. He seems to know now at age 10 what I figured out closer to age 14, even though he has always been significantly behind me in every other way in development. He has figured out that people can lie, cheat and steal without much thought.  They sometimes don't follow the rules.  They sometims are cruel to someone without cause only to better their social perception.  These things don't make sense to an autistic person.  We would never do that.  We also don't see it coming when it's something we'd never do.  Mindblindess is such that if we wouldn't do it to you, then we don't expect you to do it to us.  The thought doesn't occur to us.

I just hope that he has left a little faith left in humanity to see that there are some good people out there. Sometimes, during the pre-teen and teen years these people are hard to find, because that's when they tend to be the most self-centered and even the most nicest teen will hesitate to put their social status on the line to stand up for the underdog. I hope he finds at least that one friend that he can share his time with, as well as his trust.

19 comments:

  1. It's hard for me to put into words all that I am feeling after reading this. I am so sorry for Bubby and for you. I swear not a day goes by that i don't wish there were a way I could just run away to a private island with my son so he never has to deal with this stuff. I see so much of him in what you wrote already. I see it coming. You have articulated so perfectly some of the things I think I would only have a fuzzy awareness of and I am thankful to you for sharing something so hard for that reason.

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    1. Thank you for reading. I know the feeling you speak of. Sometimes, I want to scoop my son up as well, and take him away to a place where everyone would be nice to him and see the good things about him, just as I do. All we can do is educate, because the more people understand the more they will accept.

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  2. Heartbreaking ... really. I'm sorry I can't think of more to say. I feel for you.

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    1. I suppose at the time I felt it was just heartbreaking, but since then I have shifted perspective and I have realized that he never really has been all that social. I don't think he ever feels terribly lonely, not like I would imagine an NT child. This will probably change in the coming yrs, but it's possible he will have found a little group of friends by then.

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  3. I wish I could be be Bubbys teacher....
    And I wish this could be different for all of you.
    oxox

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    1. Thanks for your comment. Really, it's okay. I feel better about it now. It was just upsetting in the beginning.

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    2. That's good news.
      It's ok to not be social.
      I's not ok for people to be wilfully ignorant.

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  4. Ah... This was so painful to read, bringing back some bad old memories as it did. It took me till my adult years to fully learn what he has at ten. I feel for him. I really do. And then some people, like his teacher, think the 'solution' is to 'open out' more, interact more. When to us that simply means more of the same crap coming down on our heads - ie more of the problem, not a solution.

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    1. Yeah, that's what I kind of thought, too. I was thinking 'you don't get it, do you?' when she was talking. It almost seemed as if she was blaming him for not trying harder, or like you said, being more social. She's a really good teacher. I think she just doesn't understand.I made sure to explain to her (again) that I have seen the boys myself pick at him endlessly in small ways that it looks like he is having a mega over-reaction when he finally gets upset back. I wanted her to know that if he was having a big reaction, it was likely warranted, it's just that he can't explain it well enough.

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  5. I read this post with tears in my eyes.

    My daughter is in grade five and going through the same things.

    Hugs to you and your son.

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  6. I'm so sad for you and your son. It must be so painful for both of you since you know what it feels like. I see my own son and I'm hoping he won't have these issues but I can't change the world for him. If we only could, we certainly would!

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  7. I am glad to see from the comments that you are feeling better. I so understand how difficult school can be.

    A good teacher makes all the differnce in the world. I wish you the best.

    Lori

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    1. I'm glad for the teacher he got this year. She is a really good one.

      I think my post came across a little more bleak than I meant for it to. At least I'm thinking so, from the comments that I received. I'm not happy that my son is not being accepted by his peers, but I also don't think he's devastated, either. I really didn't mean to make such a negative post!

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  8. Oh, sweetie. I developed an early awareness of this as well, only mine happened in elementary school. By the time I was a 2nd grader, I was basically a loner. I had one friend that I clung to for dear life all the way through my public education years. She's still my best friend and she gets me better than anyone else ever has.

    When I told her that I had gone to a psychologist and been diagnosed with Aspergers and GAD, she said, "I know. I've known all along. Your quirks are what makes you so great!". She still loves to tell me about the first time she met me in Kindergarten. I made such an impression that it's always stuck in her head. LOL

    He will be okay. He will make it through school. He will eventually learn who to trust and he'll discover that the cirle of people you can trust is pretty small. Many people are just too careless with others. I'm sorry he's discovered it so soon and I hope he also finds that one person he can rely on. I'll be keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers. :) (((HUGS)))

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    1. Thank you! It's so cool that you still have that friend! What a blessing.

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  9. School is such a terrible environment, producing the worst kinds of behavior - even for NT kids. I don't know if this will help you at all, but there are two books that I like called "Raising Resilient Children" (Brooks & Goldstein) and "Raising an Optimistic Child" (Seligman). Talks a lot about what you're worried about. HTH

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