Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Invisible Me Visits From The Past

Some of you may have noticed that yesterday I remarked that I had had a bad day on my FB page due to letting others under my skin, again.  I didn't specify anymore than that.  I wasn't sure I wanted to, or that I ought to. Then, I figured that I share so much else on here, and sometimes in the process help others in the same sort of situations, so I might go ahead and post about what happened.  Also, writing sometimes allows me to get things out that I can't do verbally. I am not very good verbalizing my thoughts and feelings.

Last week my father called me. I haven't spoken to him for about 2 yrs. Every time I called to wish him a happy birthday or happy father's day I'd get his voice mail. I eventually just stopped trying. He wanted to tell me that my mother had left him and that he was sorry for writing me off because my mother didn't like him speaking to me.  I was happy to hear from him and let all resentment toward him go.  I figured that my mother in her craziness would turn on others after I was no longer around to accept her abuse and drama.  I was correct.  After 34 years of marriage she packed up without warning and left him, going clear across the country to her sister's after clearing out most of the bank account.

I was excited to rebuild a relationship.  I had all these grand plans of him and my brother coming to visit, and we would do this and that.  I would finally have someone to talk to that was family, that cared for me and supported me.

A few days went by, so I thought I'd try to chat with him via skype, only to get a hold of my brother who told me that mom came home.  No one told me.  He said Dad would call me later.  That was almost a week ago.  He isn't calling me.  It's back to where it was.  I am the odd one out.  Cast aside, and vilified.  I was doing okay as it was.  I didn't need the false hope that maybe, just maybe I was worth something to them that they'd give me the time of day.  It was a wound ripped right open for me.  I was once again the weird little girl who no one noticed, and no one cared about.  My desperation for this acceptance was so great.

Old behaviors started creeping back in... namely anorexic thinking with it's old friend body dysmorphia.  I create these things to control something. If only I was thin and pretty enough people would like me. As well as it's a way to control and punish myself for not feeling good enough by other's standards.  Thankfully, I have a husband who is here for me.  He quickly reminded me of how ridiculous this whole dieting thing was.  I am not overweight and if I lose more than a few pounds I will be classified as underweight.  I wear a size 5/6 (UK size 7/8) and am not short.  Dieting very much for me at this point could be dangerous.  Logically, I know that, but that's not how I feel inside.  I feel desperate to change something.  To do something. I just want to be accepted.  I want to feel worthy and good enough.

After I had a massive meltdown yesterday, and got some sleep I feel better today.  I am able to get back on track with healthy behaviors and let go of what isn't and never was.  It's an unfortunate situation, but one that I am stuck with.  I may as well make the best of it and do what I can and leave the rest alone. 

This whole situation remind me of a dream that I used to have often as a child.  It's one in which I somehow got turned into a ghost and no one could hear or see me.  In the dream I'd scream and beg for my parents to reply to me, only to be ignored. I'd go to school where the same happened.  Everywhere I went I was invisible.  I wasn't noticed.  I would eventually get myself so worked into a desperate tizzy that I'd awaken, crying and terribly anxious.  Through the years, the dream would change a bit in scenery, and such, but the theme would remain the same.  I'm tired of being that sad, lonely, ignored little girl.  I'm ready to be noticed by those who matter most.  My husband and kids, and forget the rest.

25 comments:

  1. Thinking of you. I know it's been a bad few days for both of us.

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    1. Thinking of you too! I hope you got some rest today and that tomorrow is brighter!

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  2. I understand this - the whole "weird little girl" thing - only I wasn't ignored, I was corrected. On everything. Everything I did was wrong, and I had a lifetime of feeling like a failure, like I wasn't trying hard enough however hard I tried. It took years after my mother died before I realised it was her, not me.

    I am glad your husband and children are there for you. Sure, anyone who isn't doesn't matter. I see that now too.

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    1. I was corrected quite a bit, too. Nothing I ever did was right. I started standing up for myself and telling my mother that she can't speak to me that way (insults and sneer putdowns) anymore, so she stopped speaking to me at all and told everyone else to, too. My well being and emotional needs were definitely ignored, though.

      I'm glad that you have also made some peace with it. You're probably further along in your healing and acceptance process than me. Thanks for your comments!

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  3. Oh My,
    What a shit couple of days!
    I feel your mother stuff....
    One day I'll blog about mine
    Your a tough cookie,
    lotsa oxox

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    1. I'd love to read it when you do! Thanks for your support!

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  4. <3 and hugs alot of what you write hits so close to home with me. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Thanks for your comments and letting me know that I'm being heard and that what I write resonates with others. :)

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  5. I understand the whole "invisible" thing. All I can say is family sucks but you have a lot of people around here who love you bunches.

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    1. I've often read that a dysfunctional family will often turn on the most normal/healthy one, so I guess when you come from a family of dysfunction it's a good thing when they single you out. It means we're not like them. Thank you so much for all your support!

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  6. Others will be certainly able to gain from your insights and your willingness to share so openly.

    Thinking of you... Hugs!!

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  7. Ah, that definitely sucks. You didn't need that, just when you had accepted the situation and gotten strong. I'm glad you've gotten past it once more. Hugs and support, dear friend.

    <3 Penni

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    1. Thanks Pen. <3 I'll just be all that much more strong this time around. Before, I'd always wonder if it was my fault, but this time I KNOW I didn't do a thing to deserve it. I can put some closure on it.

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  8. We are very very alike. It is uncanny, even how we cope. I now read daily hopeful, positive affirmations and articles to keep my mind in a better place. It is hard, you keep doing what you are doing and hold your wonderful children and hubby near. :) thinking of you!

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    1. Me too! Mindfulness and Buddhism has helped me gain insight and understanding in these times. I've had enough sadness. It's time to build a life that makes me happy, and you're right..it starts with my hubby and kids!

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  9. I really feel for you this is so heartbreaking. Don't forget we all support you and accept you, although it cannot replace your mum and dad. Thinking of you!

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    1. Thanks for your support. It can't replace my parents, but seeing all the support the autism community has for me has encouraged me to to stand up for myself, and lead a more productive, happy life. Getting positive feedback means so much to a person that hasn't had much. It literally can mean the difference between them blossoming, or hiding away in fear of rejection.

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  10. You are brave and very strong to share with us, to process your feelings. I am deeply sorry that you have had difficulties. I wish you the very best.

    Hugs,
    Lori D

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    1. Thank you for your comments,Lori! Means a lot and I appreciate them!

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  11. I am so sorry for for all of this. The false hope can be devastating also. I appreciate very much for you sharing! It is hard, but so helpful in many ways. I hope it has helped you be able to process through, and also find some sort of peace.

    You have helped me in many ways and I want to say thank you for all that you share in your posts.
    "Old behaviors started creeping back in... namely anorexic thinking with it's old friend body dysmorphia. I create these things to control something. If only I was thin and pretty enough people would like me. As well as it's a way to control and punish myself for not feeling good enough by other's standards."

    This is exactly what I start to do, especially with my father. Ordinarily, I do not think about my looks, or appearance, but I think a lot of that has to do with me dissociating with myself in a way of protection.

    When I feel rejected in some way, confused, someone mentions something about my appearance, or have certain types of anxiety, I begin to inwardly attack myself. In turns into outward attacks. I understand that this is my way of trying to be in control, but it still creeps up. I struggle everyday with dismorphia, I cannot see myself in a realistic way at all.

    There is clearly a lot more to my story, but I relate very much to many other things you share in your post as well -- in different ways, but similar in the feelings.

    My thoughts are with you.

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. To know that I have helped anyone else that's suffering makes me feel better about divulging what feels so personal to me. A couple yrs ago I could have never written about this. I would have felt far to ashamed.

      The dysmorphia that I mentioned goes so much more deeper and effects my life so much more than I ever really talk about on here. It's very obsessive and carried to such an extreme that I think it really colors everything I do. I get what you are saying. I have no clue how others really see me. I just have to accept that what I see in the mirror is not reality no matter how real it seems to me.

      If you ever need to talk or want to have an ear to discuss your story you know where I can be found. No one as nice as you should have to carry on without an outlet. You're such a goodhearted lady.

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  12. Sorry to hear of this. That stinks. But you do have a husband and kids who adore you, and that should matter most. As for your dad, well I wish him the best of luck. Maybe he just needs to grow a pair and say "I'm going to associate with my daughter whether you like it or not."

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    1. Thank you. My dad takes the path of least resistance, and does whatever makes his life easiest, despite the cost to anyone else. I suppose that probably is the definition of selfish.

      Sorry, for taking so long to get to comments. Been hectic lately.

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