Thursday, February 9, 2012

Letting Go Of Pain From The Past With Compassion

The other day  I ran across this this article about dysfunctional families.  It took me aback a little bit.  I held the words in my mind processing it for days now.  This is how my mind works.  I mull things over adding bits and pieces of information and understanding, until I build a better understanding of a new concept.  This process can take days, or it can take years. 

As a child, I was always acutely aware of my mother's sensitive feelings. I wanted to make her happy, and proud of me.  When I had class parties I'd always pick out the candies and treats she'd like best, before eating any myself.  I'd burst in the door with excitement presenting the treats I'd gathered for her.  I'd do the same at gift shops at class field trips. I'd use most of the money I'd been given to buy her something before I would myself.  Sometimes, I'd not buy myself anything at all.  While the other kids were busy thinking about what they wanted to buy, or what would make them happy I was busy trying to make my mother happy.  This is as one might have surmised by now, an endless task, as well as not my responsibility.  It's unfortunately one in which I've carried with me as one of those painful lessons you learn as a child.  I never learned to look after myself first.  Of course, there are positives to this, in that I am a generous person and will share anything I have with anyone in need.  I can and do get taken advantage of, as well.  I attracted people that were abusive to me and I accepted their abuse as just the way it is in grade school, all along until adulthood.

My father is likely on the spectrum himself, and was emotionally unavailable, as well as physically due to working long hours.  When he was around, he expected order, and quiet.  He never gave compliments and always let you know in a harshly critical manner when you were wrong.  I stayed away from him as much as possible, because we didn't get along.  I got no support from him and my ability to out-argue him relentlessly got me labeled a troublemaker.


As you might imagine, my father was completely unable to handle my mother's wildly swinging emotions and need for empathy.  He is simply unable to do so and she is unable to regulate herself.  I firmly believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  The two together is a recipe for disaster.  I became the person that things hinged on.  If things were good, I was good.  If things were bad, I was bad.  I was/am the scapegoat in the family.  My mother's mental health declined year after year.  By the time I was in my adolescence she was pretty neurotic.  With me about to leave the home, and my brother most of the way grown she wasn't as needed anymore.  She saw things that weren't there and accused me of doing things I never did.  If I got a new friend, a boyfriend, or even an interest that took my time away from her... she'd come up with something that I had done or they'd done to keep me away from them.  Even going so far as to admitting me mental hospitals, so she could get pity from family.  She believed that I summoned evil spirits to terrorize her and so many other things that were equally as crazy.  Child Protective Services tried to remove me from the home at age 17.  My mother said I was responsible for that, too and refused to speak to me for quite awhile after that. 

I was tragically scarred by these experiences.  As an adult now, I am putting things into perspective, allowing healing and new growth.  One of those processes is understanding what on earth made my mother behave the way she did/does.  As a mother myself, I can't fathom treating my kids that way.  I have asked this question many times over, and the answer I believe is in this quote:

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over.” Thich Nhat Hanh"

 

I know my mother suffers.  She suffers greatly.  She can't help, but to let it pour over onto others, infecting them with her pain.  The last two years we are not on speaking terms at all.  Her pain of feeling abandoned by me was more than she could handle.  A conversation couldn't go by where out of the blue I'd be told how all of my struggles with my ASD kids are my own fault for moving away from her.  She won't visit me, because I made my own bed, so now I can lie in it, as far as she's concerned.  Or if I'd be asking for advice about my daughter she'd drop in that as long as she doesn't grow up to be ungrateful and mean spirited as me, then I'll have escaped the real pain of motherhood that she has endured.  I finally could take it no more.  I told her to get help to manage her pain, or leave me alone.  She chose leaving me alone.  That was painful.  It was awful for me, and I am still gathering up coping skills to help me deal with it.  I don't think anyone ever really gets over something like that.  So, if anything I have derived some comfort in knowing that it's not me, or about me.  She just can't contain her massive amount of pain and agony. This may be an important part for me to move forward, and letting myself feel worthy of love, life and joy.

20 comments:

  1. Oh, how familiar this all is. And know you are not alone: I told my parents the same thing -- get help or you can't see me -- and they chose life without me. It's been 11 years and it does get easier, like any grief.

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    1. Thanks for your encouragement and comment. I'm sure it does get easier.

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  2. I know how you feel. I grew up constantly attempting to keep my parents happy. I was too eager to please and when I failed, it was a catastrophe for me. When I got to college and suddenly wasn't spending all that energy, it was like I suddenly had 3 days to work each day. While my mother didn't have BPD, she has her own slew of mental health issues, and it was definitely taxing. In fact, (and this is the facts, not just projecting), I was the family peacekeeper. Everything I did was to keep them from fighting. When I left for college my entire family fell apart. No one spoke to each other for months. Then my father walked out. Can you say dysfunctional?

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    1. It does indeed sound dysfunctional! My family doesn't fight all that much. They all unite in their common hate/upset at me and that keeps them all at least amicable with each other.

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  3. I truly relate to what you've written. I was estranged from my father for 20 years due to endless mental cruelty. After 20 years, I have seen him a few times, but feel no real connection to him. In a way, I am fortunate to have created this psychic space for myself to understand where I begin and end.

    It is unfortunate that your mother is unwilling or unable to seek professional help. In my experience, the people that refuse help and are endlessly abusive are the very ones that need it the most. The sad thing is that we, as the symptom bearers of the pain generally get the help to cope with their behavior.

    I am all about compassion and trying to understand another person's motivation, but when one becomes an adult, it becomes the responsibility of the adult to heal the wounds, not for the child to shoulder the burden of their ineptitude - like we both did. Nothing you will ever do will please her. You are enough without her approval!!!

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    1. Yeah, when she was carting me off to psychologists and hospitals all the time, they would always ultimately suggest counseling for her. She'd never ever take them up on it. I also, think it's possible that she knew I had AS (it was suggested by a doctor once, but I didn't know what he was talking about it) and rebuked the suggestion, because it wasn't as dramatic and all as all the other disorders she was getting me labeled with. In other words, she would not get any pity for something incurable. She clearly needs help, but I don't think she'll ever get it. I have compassion for her in the way that I know she is truly miserable, as well as damaged from her own childhood. It can't be fun living in her world. Compassion for me doesn't equal toleration, though. I just find it helpful to understand that she is the way she is due to her suffering, rather than me being the problem.

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  4. I'm sorry for what you've had to live with. Your story sounds sadly familiar because I've heard it from so many adult aspies by now. It just breaks my heart that families and the individuals in them can do these things to each other.

    It's kind of empowering though when you have your own children and recognise that things can be done differently. I'm far from a perfect parent - nobody is I guess - but I try to be honest with the kids and own my own failings. If I lose my temper and yell, I apologise. If I'm in a bad mood, I make sure they realise it is not about them. I express my love for them physically as well as verbally.

    I think that is one of the standout things for me in what you've written - the realisation as an adult that you are not responsible for someone else's problems.

    My own family is loving and but there were some issues I see now as being common to a lot of AS families. I have good relations with them all to this day and consider myself fortunate. I love my parents on a very deep and profound level that I find hard to express and realise now that all I've wanted most of my life is approval and acceptance. I think that is all most kids want really.

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    1. I think there are similarities. My (likely)spectrum father being a pretty stereotypical example of an undiagnosed, self unaware, horrendously bullied, and extremely abused as a child aspie being one. His type is pretty common from what I hear, and I'm sure he greatly contributed to my self esteem issues by being so horribly critical all the time. Though, I hold much less resentment toward him, because I think he did his best with what he had and who he is. My mother OTOH, was purposefully hurtful. We all lose our temper from time to time. Most of us, however don't idolize our child one minute and hate them the next. That was what I think was the most painful.

      It's great that you have such a good relationship with your family. It really is a gift to have support, and love, and as you said...acceptance and approval.

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  5. Thank you for writing this. First, I'd like to offer you empathy for the courage and pain you've forged and experienced in your relationship with you mother. I appreciate your openness in sharing about it.

    I'm coming up on a year since I told my mother I needed her to get some help because I was concerned about my children's mental well-being with her. She wasn't open to it, so I told her I needed some space to heal while I was going through things I needed to sort through.

    She interpreted all of this as punishment and sent repeated emails ranging from ranting self-blame to blatant attempts to manipulate me into feeling pity for her. I had only planned a short break, but her emails actually convinced me I needed more time. She's been silent for awhile, the dread of email notifications is lessening for me, and for the first time, I can breath as an adult. It's sad when I think about what I wish our relationship could be and what it is. But, it is her choice to not get help and make it all about her instead of repairing and healing as a family.

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    1. Thanks for your comment. I went through the e-mail assault period, too. I actually started saving them, because I would often forget, or think I was exaggerating how awful she was in them. I'd then forgive her, just be hurt again. I began a file folder with the ugly emails in them entitled "reminders". It was a fitting title, because every time I would think to myself that I'm just being crazy, or difficult about the whole thing, I can go open up the emails and see that I indeed am not the problem. I guess we can only control over selves, but this is what's hardest for me. There is nothing we can do to make the situation better with our moms. They have to be the one to make that effort. It's totally out of our control.

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  6. Oh my gosh! We have to connect. It sounds like we had the same parents. Or at least very similar. I have Aspergers. Three sons. Middle has Aspergers and all those comorbid conditions. Baby (now 10) has sensory issues. Oldest had anger-control issues for years, but better. Seriously, we have to talk. Thanks for sharing. : )

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing this. I had similar situation with a friendship. Seemed great in the beginning but it just became this monster. I believe she had borderline personality disorder. I tried to convince her to get help and she wouldn't. I had to end the friendship and the drama, oh my. Reading this post actually helped me come to terms with a lot that I was still trying to process. Thank you.

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    1. Thanks for commenting. I'm sorry you had the world shaking experience of dealing with a borderline that didn't want help. Those sorts of relationships can really drag on for awhile, oftentimes leaving the nonBPD thinking they are the one's with the problem. It's not unheard of for the nons to end up in therapy and on antidepressants. It's good that you realized what was going on and got out before you were hurt too much.

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  8. Wow - this is a very moving post. The BPD/spectrum marriage is all too common and it's so hard and confusing for the little ones (especially if they are also dealing with Asperger's and infinitely worse if they are the scapegoated child). It's heartbreaking. I admire your strength to do what you had to do to stay healthy & I wish you luck as you gather the skills to cope with it.

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    1. Thanks for your encouragement! I have heard that the BPD/spectrum marriage is common, but not sure where, or how accurate it is.

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  9. I feel pain just reading about yours. I hate that you went through this, and I'm so happy that you now feel healing and growth. I hope you feel stronger and more peaceful as you go through letting go. It wasn't your fault. You weren't responsible. Your parents pushed their pain on you, a child. And you haven't done the same with your child. Amen.

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    1. Thank you for your comment and encouragement. I appreciate it!

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