Monday, September 5, 2011

Finding Option B

For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away.   The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming.  I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing.  That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation.  I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people.  That I was defective.

By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had.  I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool.  I began to obsess.  My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy.  The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy.  I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate.  Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups.  I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me.  The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say.  By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in.  I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me.  The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world.  It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks.  I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.

The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older.  As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend.  It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize.  I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs.  The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.

When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd.  I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them.  I thought there was no option B.  There was only be like them-option A.  When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year.  I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences.  I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time.  I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite.  If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list.  I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone.  They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.

Then I came upon option B.  If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it.  I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted.  I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them.  Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about.  Their outings were not to places I like to frequent.  I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback.  I could never do that.  I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions.  I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway.  It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself.  I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite!  I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need.  I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience. 

15 comments:

  1. I love it...It is so true for me too (R.Kerr)xx

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  2. Thanks for the feedback. I really hesitated posting this, as I was afraid that no one would identify with it and I'd be alone in feeling this way. I'm not glad that others had to feel this way, too, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

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  3. As usual, a wonderful and insightful post. Thank you for sharing your experience, and the way a shift in your own perspective has you appreciating and honouring what works for you.
    Sometimes there is a tendency to look outward for acceptance and understanding... and this is critical. However - I love how you have illuminated some of the change that can come from within.
    Leah

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  4. What is so interesting about this is how much I relate to it - and I don't have any problem following the nuances of conversation and I love to connect empathetically with others. However, I've always been introverted except with people I'm very comfortable with (or situations I'm comfortable in) and in high school always struggled with small talk about pop culture and parties and things (actually, at 30, I'm still horrible at small talk and dread going out to parties or having to talk with anyone but my close friends). I love the idea of taking an Option B. Or maybe an Option C! I still struggle with comparing myself to others and you've made me realise that it's partly because I'm putting myself in the same category as them. Perhaps I'm in a completely different category. You wouldn't fault a banana for not being round and red and crunchy like an apple! I would have found this interesting even if I didn't relate to it so strongly. :)

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  5. I had always been the 'weird one'. I was different. Shy, quiet, nerdy. What I really was was scared of crowds and noise. I withdrew into myself.
    By the time I was 15, I learned how to fake it. Fake socializing, fake confidence, fake being 'normal'. But I couldn't fake my 'take' on people. I couldn't pick up those subtle social cues. And it got me into a lot of trouble.
    Now at 40, I am back to being me. Oh I learned a lot about small talk and the such, and can still fake it if the need arises. But on the whole, I'm most happy in my home with my family and that's about it. Socializing takes too much out of me. It is draining.

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  6. Thanks Leah. You're right validation from others is VERY important, but it's also important to know when we can expect that and when we can let go of that as a goal and find a new direction. The more we fight against the stream of things the more we create struggle. I feel like there has been a new path illuminated by recognizing this simple truth. The path was always there. I just couldn't see it.

    Droponeaddone, I'm glad that you were able to find interest and relate to my post, even though you don't have Asperger's. I think the introverts of the world are always feeling awkward in social situations. It's seen as a positive quality to be extroverted, synonymous with outgoing and confident... all positive qualities in our society. I began the post with the direction of it being about feeling unlikable, but it seemed to go in a different direction after I started typing. The bottom line, we are what we value and if we don't value being the outgoing, center of attention extrovert, than that's okay, because we can take option B-which is it's not important to me at this time to fulfill that role. Oh, BTW I love your blog. I've been following for a couple wks now. Good stuff.

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  7. Thanks for your comment Angel. I know what you mean about not being able to follow the subtle cues and when others go 'off of script' so to speak. I can't repair small talk when it goes unexpectedly. I'm glad that you've learned how to honor your inner introvert and are now comfortable.

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  8. Girl, have you been peeking at my life?!!? Seriously, it could have been written by me (ok, without the husband part, lol). I just so identify with it.

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  9. We're just aspie sisters at heart! I find it interesting how many people identify, even those not on the spectrum. All these thoughts really came to me as I took Bubby to swimming lessons this summer. I wanted to read my book in peace, but all these tables full of ladies kept talking around me. So much, so I couldn't concentrate, plus their conversations were so superficial and repetitive. They paid no attention to their kids, but were all to keen to chat with each other. I realized, I would never be like them, and that's ok. I'm ok, and so are they. We're just different.

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  10. I'm reading through you entire blog this morning. Over and over I feel like I'm reading about myself. You are not alone...

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  11. I'm glad you can identify. Thanks for the feedback!

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  12. You have lots of company, even if you don't want it! At 38, I'm unlikely to receive a formal diagnosis, but I identify with this to a high degree. I collected masks in high school. Even some of my Christmas tree ornaments were masks. There are still times I put on a mask, but rather than use that mask to draw people closer, I use it to guard areas of vulnerability. It's a conscious choice I make. I don't often put myself in postions where that mask is necessary, anymore. Sometimes it's unavoidable. Thank you for being open. As much as I don't want to socialize, it's also nice to know I'm not alone.

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment. It's a weird realization to make as an adult to finally see that we don't have to put ourselves in that position anymore isn't is?

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  13. I'm reading this for the first time now and I love it. I can relate to almost everything. But I think you are a few steps ahead of me in realising that "I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience." I think I'm still a bit in between option A and B...

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    1. I think I am a bit stalled there, myself. I wrote this almost a year ago, but I'm still kinda going through it, too. That's one of the reasons I thought it would be a good re-post. Just something to help remind me, too.

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