Tuesday, August 14, 2012

An update with Gratitude

I thought that I would write a short, quick update for all of you that were so graciously offered your kind words of support, encouragement and personal feelings of 'me too' because of my last post.  I wanted you all to know that I appreciated you. Every one of you that left a comment here, on my page, or sent me a message. It was a relief to be able to share something so personal, but negative and have a kind response in returned instead of whatever awful thing I guess I thought was going to happen.

Things have been going better for my husband and I. We are working toward dealing with our emotions in a healthier way.  I am working on not being so quick to get angry and he is working on not getting so anxious.  He says he is having heart problems when he thinks I am mad at him, but I don't think he is.  I think he is having panic attacks.  He tend to take everything I do or say personally and then gets worried about disappointing me, which makes him behave in ways that irritate me, so in the end it is a self -fulfilling prophecy. The same the other way around.  In our relationship, gender roles are often reversed. He is often over sensitive and I am often too blunt and to the point. I am the one who complains there is not enough sex. He complains I don't give him enough affection. I tell him I would if it led to sex, otherwise, I hardly see the point.  I can't trust the man to take the kids shoe shopping alone. He will buy himself shoes, as well, even though we have discussed that he has enough shoes.  He never thinks he does, because there was a sale, or the old ones do this, or look like this, or maybe I need an extra pair for that. He can't resist a pair of clearance Nikes in his size.  He is the passive aggressive, I'll tell you what you did to hurt my feelings when I feel like it person in our relationship. I am the tell it like it is on the spot when I think it, one.  I'm working on tempering that to be more considerate to his feelings. Some things I need to keep to myself. Not everything that I think, or that irritates me need to be announced.

There is no handbook for the uniqueness that is the AS to ADHD marriage. I think as we move on in more awareness in individual differences there will be more resources for marriages like mine. It's not really a 'new' thing. There has been these neurological differences since the beginning of time. It's new in our understanding of it. It's new in the way that I want to be happy in a way that makes me feel supported and loved and so does he. I don't want to live in dysfunction, because I have just resigned myself to the fact that this is as good as it gets, so I may as well just do what I want while resentment builds inside of me. On the same token, I don't want divorce, either as a means of escape citing that we were just unable to make it work.  We are able to make it work if we try and if we can't we will know that it is because at least one of us gave up and stopped trying. There is no reason we can't step outside of ourselves and try to see the other person's POV to make life better and more manageable for everyone involved, especially our kids.

So, we move to make things better, using new techniques, and new tools to help us along. Hopefully, this time next year I can report back with some improvements.