Today I woke up to a dreary sky with bright leaves of fall scooting along the sidewalks and streets. Humid and cool. I felt unsettled from the moment I woke up. A feeling of pressure and slight heaviness that sets the day apart from one that I know is going to be a positive one. I can't always slice it all up right away. Am I sick? Is it a migraine? Am I hurt? Am I having one of those physically exhaustive days? What is going on? Without the answer I just move on. The day won't wait for one and it's never that clear right away.
So, I did. As the morning went on what did answer rather quickly was a rising sense of frustration and anger. I had no patience for anything. I felt a hair trigger away from a catastrophic meltdown toward anyone who crossed certain lines with me. Not just anyone or any argument, but certain people with certain topics mostly. I felt overwhelmed with emotion that threatened to seize my inner workings of my mind into slow motion. With my mood and limbs heavy the day is one to be survived more than tackled, or accomplished.
On these days I have to remember that I have been here and I will be here again, but each and every time I get past this mood. It is just a mood. It is just temporary. This is depression dressed as anger. It's visiting today, but it won't stay. It feels like this is forever. I feel like I have to react to all the feelings, because they are in my face taunting me. They threaten my ego. They tell me lies about my life and others in it. My nervous system feels on the edge of fight or flight and I am ready to fight, so I'm looking for the the person, or situation who wants to trip that trigger. Of course I'm not looking on a conscious level. There's nothing I can do to change the way I feel. It's just here. Something to be mitigated and contended with.
When I was younger and I would have these strong emotional days I'd wonder two things. I'd wonder what was wrong with me that I had such a strong reaction to seemingly nothing, or possibly something, such as stress, or some other unknown and two; when was I going to be able to mature enough to where I would no longer feel this way?
Somewhere I got this idea that having strong emotions was a negative thing. I don't know where, from who, or how. I just believed it. It was something that I knew as a truth. I don't know if it's the autism or the depression that shapes these mood changes. I would suppose both play a hand at how my brain interprets the world. Our emotions are just a side effect of that. I don't think I can tease the two apart on how they manage my neurological system, or sometimes mismanage. Hahaha
Secondly, the day that I no longer had negative responses to life that affected me strongly would be the day that I would know I'd somehow become successful at..... I don't know what? Life? Emotional wellness? The think positive, and be positive is so constantly ingrained into our culture that it's become almost a ghost of a goal. Like if you can just get to a point in your life where you can let anything roll off your back, then you're a well balanced person. Except that is not true at all. At best it's a way to sell books and self help seminars and at worst it's a way to connect to everyone at the most basic shallow level where you never have to do more than namaste with others and move on with your day, because real relationships include negative things that are supposed to make us sad like death, and pain and loss. To ignore our anger, and sadness would be like ignoring important road signs letting you know of detrimental detours, changes and road closed while driving. They exist for a reason. It isn't to bring us down, or inconvenience us, but to signal that something has happened to our being that needs attention.
As I try my hardest to remember that where I am at is temporary, okay and just part of the human experience for some of us I can shift my focus less on feeling angry and out of control with myself for being this failed, flawed weirdo of a person and focus more on how I am going to survive this day with the best outcome possible. I can try to redirect any energy I have into what I need to get done and how to distract myself effectively until all this passes. Tomorrow will look different, but today is what I have. I just have to try to slide the guilt away and do what I have to, so I can find my center again. This doesn't mean trying to change my mood, trying to be positive, or any of that nonsense. It just means working with it as it is and making the best of the situation I have.