I laid my head on my pillow, and tried to close my eyes for sleep, but instead the heavy feeling of sadness came. It's the unique feeling a deep throbbing ache in my chest as I hold back sobs as hot tears pour down my face. I have only felt this feeling a handful of times in my life, and they were all at that moment when I tried to relax my mind to sleep, but instead the pain I was hiding from in the day came out of the shadows of night.
I remember once feeling this way as a little girl, maybe seven, or so. I nestled down in my bed for sleep, but instead the days events played out in my mind. It must have been a particularly bad day. I pulled my blankets up to my chin, and chewed on the strings of my favorite bed spread to try to comfort myself.
Slowly, the ache started. Deep in my chest. A real pain that deepened as I drew in my breath only to be let out in quiet sobs. It was the worst kind of emotional pain, as I literally felt it surge through my body. I typically have no sense of emotional upset residing physically within myself. This was different. My mother came in to check on me, and asked why I was crying.
"I don't have any friends. No one will play with me. I asked everyone on the playground, but they all said I couldn't play with them.I don't understand why no one likes me. I am nice to everyone."
That deep ache is the ache of rejection. It's the feeling I run from. Hide from. I pretend it doesn't exist. The feeling of complete rejection from others is probably the worst feeling a human can experience. It's that feeling of other. The outcast, and unworthy. I try to convince myself that it doesn't matter. That I am okay. I try to remember the times I have not been rejected. It does nothing to absolve the pain. Emotions have a way of working around the logic I try to control them with.
There's something about the light of day that lightens the heavy feelings like rejection. I can keep busy, and remember to be grateful for what I have. I can employ self-soothing techniques that I have learned through the years. What seemed too much to feel last night seems somewhat insignificant by morning. I can send the pain to the back of my mind, and negotiate with it.
It's not gone. It's just lingering in the back of my mind just below the surface.I'm not sure it's ever gone. I think that most days it's just dull until something substantial triggers it. The feeling of being completely rejected is more than just lonely. Lonely is painful, no doubt. I am all too familiar with what loneliness feels like. I try to make the best of who I am, and the life I have. To do otherwise wouldn't make much sense.
I will still continue to be nice to everyone. Not because I need acceptance, but because I never want to make others feel the way I do.