Sunday, February 3, 2013
Trying Again- Taking My Life Back From Anxiety
I have rewritten the first part of this post several times now. I can't seem to even decide for myself what I want to say. I gather my thoughts toward a central theme, but my efforts seem scattered, just like my brain.
So, let's just get to the point that I am looking to make with this post, or at least the thoughts I am trying to convey.
In my last post , I spoke of struggles that I don't discuss much on here, or on my FB page. I do discuss parts, at times pulling up the dusty curtain that I hide my junk behind just enough to reveal a small sliver of what I am hiding back here. That glimpse is all that I typically show, before snatching the curtain shut. I don't know what I fear would happen if I opened it all the way showcasing my flaws, and sad parts for the world to see. I suppose I fear judgment. I fear that maybe people will decide that my 'crazy' is too much for them, and they'd stop following me, stop listening to me, and stop interacting with me. The very thing my OCD drives to avoid might happen, and my fears would be realized as I stood there baring all. That's the last thing I want, so I go to wild extremes to avoid this judgment.
It has gotten to the point that my life is no longer running smoothly because of some of these issues. Anxiety, and OCD behavior tends to breed more of the same when left unchecked. When I say unchecked, I don't mean I just give into my every anxious whim, but rather that I have not found a successful method of overcoming my issues, but I have tried. Lord knows, I have tried. I have tried so many meds, and methods that I am tired of trying anything. I think that is the point that I have been for awhile now. I am tired of fighting against this thing that always wins. I am tired of my life being such a struggle. I want one day of worry free living where nothing was a struggle, or a care.
One thing that has come to my attention recently, is that I am totally not alone if this. The autism community is full of people that struggle with many of the same things. Knowing this has given me the courage to try again. I have ordered a book about Body Dysmorphic Disorder to try to help me get a hold of my appearance related issues. It's not the first book I've ordered on the subject, but it's been over 12 yrs since the last time. I have grown, and matured a lot over the last decade, so maybe this new book will have some eye opening advice. It's based on CBT, which is what the clinician that diagnosed me with AS told me to pursue. It's not my only issue, but it is the one that causes great damage to my relationships, primarily my marriage. You can't let someone else love you if you can't love yourself. So, if I can get a handle on this issue the hair pulling, and germ avoidance issues may quiet, too. Last, but not least I would like to tackle some of my driving fears. Not that I totally fear driving, but certain aspects of it. This limits my life probably more than anything else does. It doesn't cause as much in the way of relationship damage, but it is incredibly limiting.
I will write more later on how these individual issues affect my life. This entry was a sort of introduction to these problems. I hope you stick around to read them, and if you're struggling with OCD like behavior, thoughts, and rituals I do hope you'll keep reading, and sharing with me on this journey.