Friday, August 10, 2012

Anger and Isolation

I know my blog has been a bit of a downer lately. And, the post I'm about to write is going to be no exception, so I apologize in advance for this. I know that I shouldn't, but I am, because I just feel more comfortable giving an apology, or some sort of warning before proceeding to vent all my issues into your brain, so at least you have been warned and can go read something more positive if you're not in the mood to read about negative life circumstances right now.

In most of my life I have been the one to be carry the blame. The one that was everything was kind of dumped on. I grew up in a situation that no child should have to. Of course, this this is the past and I don't live there anymore. I understand that and fully accept it, but that doesn't mean that emotionally I am able to fully adapt to current circumstances. It doesn't mean that I have the emotional skills to navigate in a life where I am always waiting for the next time I'm going to be scapegoated.  I spent the first 30 or so years of my life trying to make it all work, keeping up as best as I could before I finally said no more to it all. I got angry. This is a relatively new emotion for me. I used to not get angry.  Now, I am hyperviligant about protecting my space and my rights. I am downright bitchy if I feel my rights are being violated.  I went from one extreme to another, which is adversely affecting my marriage.Used to be that my husband was the one with anger issues. He used to rule the house with his temper. He has worked on this behavior and it's markedly better the last 4 yrs.  Now, I am the one with the quick temper.  I am getting counseling and working on being more even tempered. This is going to be a long process. Years of abuse and mistreatment has to be dealt with.  My husband is the only person I have to lean on. I don't have one family member that I can call for help. Not one. My husband's side is also just as busy being dysfunctional in their own ways. As soon as autism entered our lives, one by one each and every one of them left. People with that level of dysfunction and narcissism cannot see outside of themselves long enough to deal with someone like Beans, because he forces them to be real. He forces them to bend their needs to fit his, because he has a great level of need. Not a one can do that, so they don't come over. They don't invite us to gatherings. They just don't.  Relatives will come into town, visit other relatives and not even call or stop by our house. This is my reality. Unfortunately, this is my whole families reality. My kids don't get the grandparent experience. The last time my daughter visited my mother she spent the whole time telling her what a worthless person I was and how she deserved to be treated better for all that she did for me. My daughter didn't agree, so my mother doesn't talk to her, either. No birthday cards, no phone calls, no nothing to any of my kids. When I go to fill out forms for school and such I pretty much have to make up info for emergency contacts. If they can't get ahold of me or my husband in an emergency then they've pretty much exhausted the limit of people available.  It's us and only us. 

So, with all this stress... my husband working 10-14 hours days seven days a week, and me doing the rest with no break, no support from anyone I get moody. I get moody and I take it out on who the only other adult in my life, which is my husband. He said he needed a break and slept away last night.  I don't know when he is coming home, or if things will work out, or even why I am writing this. I'm sure things will get better. I'm sure progress will be made and life will improve if I keep trying. It's just hard sometimes, but I suppose everyone's is.

33 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this. I have not shared anything going on with my marriage right now, but there is a lot of stress and many things that we are not dealing with because of his work, and me handling everything else. I wish I had more supportive words for you, but all I can say is that I am sorry and I hope things get better quickly.

    I am used to not having any support at all. Though I am closer to my mom now, while living near her I still had to manage everything around her to ensure she did not get overloaded or something. I still had to go around her schedule and routines most of the time.

    To be honest I am not sure having family around who does not understand is any better. It has covered me with a whole other dynamic of stress and anxiety that I did not have dealing with everything on my own. There is just too much to delve into.

    I may sound rather negative I have been having a terrible time lately. So forgive if I am not helping you in anyway! I just wanted to let you know someone is here and thinking positive thoughts for you. :-)

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    1. I think you are absolutely correct in that family members being around that aren't helpful are worse than none at all! I think that was why I finally made the ultimatum to my mother that she get some help to control her nastiness or not come around anymore. Her presence was worse than her absence!

      I also appreciate that you point out some of the issues that you have with your AS mother. It helps me to see the other side of that life might be like in dealing with me. I don't have too many issues as a mother bending and accommodating, but what you said about your mom my husband has said I do to him. I sometimes really struggle with knowing what is real, valid communication and what is someone trying to manipulate me into giving them their way.It's like my brain has no way of knowing other's intentions and I become suspicious of motives too easily.

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  2. Don't apologise - I'm sorry you're having a hard time and I know how hard it is to be on your own with no other support. As Angel pointed out, having people around you who don't help much can sometimes be bad too. I don't know what the answer is, just empathising because I've been there.

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    1. Thanks for your comments and support. That means a lot!

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  3. No need to apologize! I can understand how you feel. I think it is really hard on our spouses too, being the only ones that are there for us. I know I am angry all the time, and find myself resenting that he has a job and gets to leave the house for 10 hours per day and he gets to see other people. Can you imagine? Angry he has a job! Makes me want to smack myself sometimes, but I cannot help the feelings that I have. Sometimes it feels like home is a prison sentence, and yes, one that no one in the world comes to visit. It is a very lonely place, and it sucks!I wanted to come out and stamp my feet and jump up and down with you screaming, "It is not fair!"

    The worst part I think sometimes is who do we talk to when we are angry with the only other adult in our lives? I guess that is why I am here now...someone to talk to, to not feel so alone all the time.

    Hang in there...sending prayers, happy thoughts, pixie dust and whatever else you need your way.

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    1. Thanks for commenting. I never thought other people felt this way so much! Thanks for your support and thoughts. I'm glad we all found each other. Sometimes, I wonder how terribly lonely I'd feel if I were born 50 yrs ago when there was no internet?

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  4. As you can see from the previous comments, you are not alone and your feelings, for whever it's worth, are "normal". Your post is clearly a cry for help, and I would give anything to be able to say, "Hey girl, bring the kids over and you and hubby hit the road for a couple of days." Since I am nowhere near NC, where I think you are (?) I can only give u some advice. In the months before I gave up on my marriage I remember missing my husband desperately, and craving a solid chunk of uninterrupted time with him. He worked and traveled extensively, and just like Aspie Writer I resented his job. I resented the weeks he spent in beautiful hotel rooms, eating out every meal and having no family responsibilities. I think the difference between your marriage and mine is that you two truly love each other. You need some time alone to rest and reconnect. Make it a priority. Don't put it off and end up where I am. Try www.care.com if you need to find a good person to take over for you for a while. Love, hugs, and prayers coming your way!

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    1. Thanks Tinerbell! I will remember to make it a priority. When the kids are in school we often have lunch together once a week. That way it's nice out time together without worrying about a sitter. Oh, and I live in Kansas, which is still pretty far away from you, but not as far as NC!

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  5. The above comments have it right, hon! It's tough being alone with no family near to help, but it can be even harder to be near family who ignore you or are no help at all. That's where we are at. We are too near family that never really help, except when there's something in it for them. I too deal with a lot of anger issues. I grew up in an abusive household where nothing you ever did was right. It's taken me over 30 years to figure out that it doesn't matter what they think. It matters what you think.

    As Aspie Writer said...I sometimes resent my husband for having a job where he can get out of the house for 10 to 12 hours a day, five to six days a week. I think it's kind of normal, in our situations. You have a lot on your plate, and I am sure your husband understands. Sometimes we need a break from each other, especially when we depend upon each other so much.

    I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, but know that you are not alone at all! We are all here for you, in a virtual sense. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you for your words of support! I think we grew up in similar households!

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  6. Just to let you know your words are heard, and you are not alone. Sending hugs and prayers for better days...

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  7. I just want you to know your are in my thoughts..
    Hugs
    Leah

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  8. You are such an amazing person. Can't say you've been a downer. Your blog posts have been taking me though my journey. I've learned a lot from you. This post was no different cause I've seen I'm really not alone at all. Marriage is a constant work in progress for us. Add in family and friends Can you say stress with a capital S. We both have a bit of cazy dysfunctional family going on. With over the top dramatic people running through it. If they can't naturally have drama the make some up so they can feel occupied. We no longer keep friends that dump
    on us, put us down, use us, spread rumors about
    us, are not supportive when we are on our ASD journey or blame us for their problems in life. We avoid being with family. Lol we wish they would avoid us when they got nothing positve to add to the mix. ( if your going to take a dump in the cake then put icing on it then please by all means don't bake). We know kids benefit from grandparents but we also believe they got to be positve for the family. Breaks my heart to hear your daughter had to sit through that with her gran. When you feel you got know one though that's hard. Cause you may not have an emergency contact but you do have a lot of online friends that are there for you when the chips are down. It's sad cause we all live in a computer and not in the same spot. But it's here that I've found my comfort. I've found people who have, understand and live with ASD in the family. Thank you for being you and being so open you truly are amazing. Never feel alone in the hard times cause you got a lot of true people who are your friends. Bet you have a whole bunch of people trying to cheer you in this post.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I think you are right. There are lots of people out there feeling the same. It just doesn't seem like it when we're feeling so out of sorts. I'm glad to know that you have found my posts helpful. It's nice to know! :)

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  9. I'm sorry you feel down. It's hard for you to see it at the moment perhaps but you are a wonderful person, one who has grown so much and continues to grow wiser and stronger. I have been following your blog since my son got diagnosed and find much comfort in your posts. I've had to deal with anger issues myself (esp anger imprinted from childhood). I have found the following blog really helpful (it follows buddhist philosophies). I hope it helps you too. http://www.urbanmonk.net/309/attachment-understanding-the-origin-of-human-suffering-part-1/

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    1. Thanks for your comment and suggestions. I'll go have a look at that blog.

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  10. I'm glad to hear you're seeing a counsellor (I plan to start seeing one myself when the kids go back to school).
    Life is really tough, and sometimes we can be tough with it, but sometimes we remember that we're only flesh and blood.
    You clearly have huge reserves of strength within you that have got you this far. I hope that with a little compassion and guidance (and kindness to yourself) that you will come out the other side. All my best wishes to you XXX

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  11. Your story makes me sad, but your courage is so inspiring. It is true: if you keep trying it will get better, but it takes (a lot) of time.
    Don't forget it's summer vacation so it is summer vacation so you have a lot more work to do! Is there any possibily to hire some professional help for the children for a few hours so you can have some quiet time to work things out with your husband?? I'd say if you can find a qualified person and you have the finances do it!

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    1. I can't seem to find a sitter that's qualified to watch the boys, most especially, Beans. Even when I do they want a lot of money to do so. The kids will be back to school next week and me and hubby will have more time to schedule in lunch dates and afternoon time alone. ;)Sometimes, when he's not as busy he takes Mondays off to spend with me.

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  12. wow! im not alone!

    i have certain family members on both sides who do that too. they come close to the area but REFUSE to come to my house. REFUSE.

    i havent read your story, but at least i know how you feel about family treating you that way. it shouldnt be that way. thats unfair.

    prayers.

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  13. would you follow my blog?
    http://alwaysaspiegirl.blogspot.com/

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  14. ((HUGS)) and sorry to hear you're going through a rough time right now. We have our share of shitty relatives, too (both my partner and I)... it sucks, I know. I really wish there was something I could do; if I lived closer I would totally offer to give you a break! Your family is in my thoughts. x

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    1. Thanks for your comments and thoughts! I appreciate it!

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  15. I'm sorry. :( saw this on twitter. I feel for you.

    I have wonderful family that is supportive and count my lucky stars, but I have a tiny idea of how ya feel. Until 7 months ago, I lived a country away from any family, and my (now) ex husband was THE only other person I had around. He was emotionally abusive and life was miserable. I finally had it and just up and left. Life is hard when you have no support and you are just spinning in circles.

    I hope you find some support soon in the form of a good friend maybe?...

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    1. Thanks for your comment. I am drawing support from good friends online, and I am also in counseling to help me deal with things. This way I can make better decisions and change my life to be what I would like, if only one day at a time. Slow process, but I guess that I am trying to move beyond the point of where I was in this post to making my life better step by step.

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  16. It sounds like you have been feeling very desperate. Interesting that the anger is recent, though. I suspect this might indicate that you are changing inside because I had a similar experience, though with a different kind of disability. Be assured that the anger will pass. The important thing is to focus your energy on doing as little harm as possible until this season is past. As for the isolation, it may be better to accept it than fight against it, as this will conserve your energy for more constructive activities.

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  17. I think my anger is about a lot of things, but not so much my disability. I think there was a period of depression that followed my diagnosis that I did not expect, and that may be what has led up to this current state, though.

    Acceptance of current circumstances is always best. Doesn't always mean resignation, but just acceptance of the present as it is. I so agree with you there!

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  18. Very honest blog post. Since becoming part of the special needs community I have met so many people who have been "let go" by their families. Families that simply cannot deal with the issues that Autism brings with it. I think there are many many of us ( SN families) who are isolated. Friends stop asking us out after so many refusals. After all, with no support nearby there is no easy answer to finding a caregiver for a child with autism. So friends slowly stop calling. In my opinion, people who haven't experienced knowing someone with autism seem to be very uncomfortable around it, they misunderstand the issues, many judge and turn away.
    So we become isolated. The good news is that we have access to the kindness of strangers who live similar lives. The online autism community is a lifeline for many. I often wonder , ( as you said) how would I cope without my online autism friends.
    I cope with my frustration and anger by taking moments for myself. Being fully present in them. If I have a chance to sit in my room alone for 5 min, I take it. I soak it up, breathe it in. Even a quick run to the store alone is an opportunity for me to relish silence, take deep breaths, and think of things I am thankful for. If (when) I am angry with someone I am quick to apologize and make sure they know it is not about them.
    Am I making any sense? :-D
    Just know you are not alone and keep reaching out when you need to.
    ~ A Fellow Autism Warrior

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    1. Thanks for your message. You made total sense! I find just going to the store and taking the scenic route lol is a nice way to unwind for a few minutes, too. I don't particularly like shopping, but it does get me out of the house, in the fresh air and among other humans for a few minutes.

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