Tuesday, August 14, 2012

An update with Gratitude

I thought that I would write a short, quick update for all of you that were so graciously offered your kind words of support, encouragement and personal feelings of 'me too' because of my last post.  I wanted you all to know that I appreciated you. Every one of you that left a comment here, on my page, or sent me a message. It was a relief to be able to share something so personal, but negative and have a kind response in returned instead of whatever awful thing I guess I thought was going to happen.


Things have been going better for my husband and I. We are working toward dealing with our emotions in a healthier way.  I am working on not being so quick to get angry and he is working on not getting so anxious.  He says he is having heart problems when he thinks I am mad at him, but I don't think he is.  I think he is having panic attacks.  He tend to take everything I do or say personally and then gets worried about disappointing me, which makes him behave in ways that irritate me, so in the end it is a self -fulfilling prophecy. The same the other way around.  In our relationship, gender roles are often reversed. He is often over sensitive and I am often too blunt and to the point. I am the one who complains there is not enough sex. He complains I don't give him enough affection. I tell him I would if it led to sex, otherwise, I hardly see the point.  I can't trust the man to take the kids shoe shopping alone. He will buy himself shoes, as well, even though we have discussed that he has enough shoes.  He never thinks he does, because there was a sale, or the old ones do this, or look like this, or maybe I need an extra pair for that. He can't resist a pair of clearance Nikes in his size.  He is the passive aggressive, I'll tell you what you did to hurt my feelings when I feel like it person in our relationship. I am the tell it like it is on the spot when I think it, one.  I'm working on tempering that to be more considerate to his feelings. Some things I need to keep to myself. Not everything that I think, or that irritates me need to be announced.

There is no handbook for the uniqueness that is the AS to ADHD marriage. I think as we move on in more awareness in individual differences there will be more resources for marriages like mine. It's not really a 'new' thing. There has been these neurological differences since the beginning of time. It's new in our understanding of it. It's new in the way that I want to be happy in a way that makes me feel supported and loved and so does he. I don't want to live in dysfunction, because I have just resigned myself to the fact that this is as good as it gets, so I may as well just do what I want while resentment builds inside of me. On the same token, I don't want divorce, either as a means of escape citing that we were just unable to make it work.  We are able to make it work if we try and if we can't we will know that it is because at least one of us gave up and stopped trying. There is no reason we can't step outside of ourselves and try to see the other person's POV to make life better and more manageable for everyone involved, especially our kids.

So, we move to make things better, using new techniques, and new tools to help us along. Hopefully, this time next year I can report back with some improvements.

8 comments:

  1. Thinking of you. For us, the hardest thing in our marriage is making the time...we get so busy so fast and before we know it we hardly know each other. I'm glad you are taking the time you need. Thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you. It is hard to find the time. Incredibly hard. Sometimes, we have to steal away 30 min here or there of time to catch up and snuggle and call it good enough.

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  2. I am so glad to hear things are a bit better! I giggled at the AD to ADHD part because that is exactly what we are here. Just a house full of dysfunction. LOL

    Our gender roles are very much reversed as well, and it is a good thing that he is the more sensitive one because so am not! Hubby is usually the one who does the laundry and the cleaning while I am doing the more "male" things, calculating, paying the bills, telling the kids to stop whining it did hurt that badly. I mean really if there isn't blood or a bone sticking out your OK! Who made up those stupid "gender roles" anyway?

    Funny--I was just talking to hubby and since his first post about his perspective on my blog, he decided he should have a husband's spot on there. :) I said he just wants to write an advice column. LOL

    Thanks so much for sharing this very personal experience with us. I think it is so important for us all to feel like we are not alone in the universe. That means, posting the bad negative stuff as well!

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    1. Perhaps I will write a little post about our time with the counselor. I warned the counselor that our gender roles might be different than the norm and I was right. I think he was a bit thrown off by how much. It was over the phone, so he was unable to see that while my husband was talking about how much he loved me he was crying (he probably would be less than happy to know that I'm sharing that!) and required tissues. So, yeah... we're interesting, but as you say, not alone!

      I think your hubby having an regular spot on your blog would be a great idea. Like, you said, It's important for us to have somewhere to go to see others having similar issues and have that reflected back to us in a way that makes us not feel alone. It's kind of like finding the autism online community. Where we used to feel like were really weird, and unique we can connect to others that are like us now, so much so it has almost become a new 'norm' for us.

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  3. Wow, you go girl! You are so powerful :) I'm so glad so two try to work things out. That's the only way to go! Divorce is not a solution. I'm sure you both will come out stronger together and as individuals! Big hugs!

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    1. Thanks for all of your encouragement and friendship! It means a lot! It really does!

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  4. You have a wisdom and maturity that shines through in what you say/write. In spite of everything that you have gone through and are still going through, you manage to overcome each barrier and push through (but you do so with kindness and love). I really admire that. My husband and I are both NT and we have a son on the spectrum. I can assure you that my marriage and the marriages of those around me face similar challenges to the ones you describe. However, I can't honestly say that most respond to their challenges with the wisdom and resilience that you display. You have every reason to be a victim but you choose not to be. I'm glad I found your blog.

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    1. Thanks for your comment! I never thought of myself having wisdom! Wow, that is something to think about! I think I am probably just more brave in talking about it in front in print like this. But, hey if it helps others, then it's a good thing, right?

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