Thursday, June 7, 2012

Mindful Thinking- When To Let Go Of Owning Blame

Today has been one of those days.  Nothing is terribly wrong.  We're all still alive, but setting aside major catastrophe, quite a bit is just not going well today.  One issue in particular has been an on-going issue with me for many years, so I think that's what I'm gonna talk about in this post.

I signed onto Facebook and started scrolling through all my favorite pages this morning when I awoke, like I always do.  I came across a few of those awful (IMO) inspirational types of posters that talk about how heroic a disabled person or their mother is for this or that.  There was one in particular that struck me as misleading and discriminatory on more than one level.  I didn't save it or memorize the quote, so I can't share it.  It's beside the point of what this entry is about anyway.  I decided that I should say something, so I left a comment about how I felt it didn't make sense.  How I felt it was understating people that are forever in wheelchairs and unable to walk. I wasn't the only one who left a comment that wasn't in favor of the quote being displayed in the picture, but I was the one who the page owner let have it.  According to her I was not understanding her child's journey to walking, understating her pain, not thinking before speaking and she was being gracious in her response to me by not getting 'negative'.  I immediately, felt like I had done something wrong. That I was bad for what I said and my emotions began to spin out of control into an abyss of negativity, which for me leads to meltdown.

This lasted for about an hour.

Then I thought wait.  No, just wait a freaking minute.  No.  I was not out of line.  I was respectful in what I said.  I wasn't insulting.  I wasn't the only one who had an issue with it.  I suspect that her 'think before you speak' comment was directed at me due to the fact that I had posted under my AS page name.  Immediately, my opinion is called into question, because I may be just not having empathy and not thinking before I speak, which can be a trait of AS.  No.  I thought about it. I said it.  That person just didn't want to hear it, and instead of having a conversation about it, she was rude.  People post things on my page that I don't agree with.  I have never, not ever been that rude to them.  I want to know why they think the way they do.  I respect they might see things differently than me. I did not get that in return.  That is okay.  It's her page, and she can do what she wants on it.  I unliked it.  All is good.

This time, I was able to stop and think before taking everything so personally. I am proud of myself for that.  I have been working on doing this for quite awhile.  In my mind I have always felt that when people attack me like that I was the wrong one and I was flawed, but this time I was able to see that maybe they were reacting to their own issues that really had nothing to do with me as a person.  My self worth has grown stronger and my ability to be even tempered has grown and for that, I am thankful.

16 comments:

  1. Yea!! I am so happy that you were able to pull out of that.

    "In my mind I have always felt that when people attack me like that I was the wrong one and I was flawed, but this time I was able to see that maybe they were reacting to their own issues that really had nothing to do with me as a person."

    The first part of this sentence is exactly what I have done mt whole life, I think. The last part I say, Yes!

    Awesome post! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think it's easy to do, if you're really sensitive. Thanks for reading!

      Delete
  2. Silly me... not mt "my" hee hee

    ReplyDelete
  3. I concur. The moment I read "not thinking before speaking" I wondered if she responded to you with AS in mind. I admire you for being considerate and respectful on FB and your blog.

    I would have felt the same way if someone had answered me with such a comment. I will try to be mindful of such posts, because I take criticism so seriously. thank you for the empowering post.

    Lori

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're welcome and thanks for your comment.

      Delete
  4. Oh, good on you, girl! I think you're right to be proud of and pleased with yourself, especially as you say it only took you an hour to get to that point of letting go of self-blame. It still often takes me hours or even days to do that! Way to go!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! It's taken a lot of practice, as well as in this instance I felt that I was not as personally enmeshed in the whole thing, so it was a bit easier.

      Delete
  5. Good for you! Something I've also been working on for quite a while now. Good to know you can definitely change your attitude about things! I hope I'll get there some time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. I think it's so hard for people on the spectrum to learn this skill and use it consistently. :)

      Delete
  6. Your way better than me. I would have begged forgiveness. Cried. Felt crappy for awhile. Then in about a week had another meltdown but with anger. Fall into a funk and have to fight to refocus my mind. All along I would have never thought to unlike the post. So if she said anything more negative I would go through the process faster and faster. Hmmmm. So how did you do it! Lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lots and lots of practice!(Mediation and CBT) What you described is how most of my arguments with my husband go. At first, I feel terrible,then apologize. Then, after I think about it for awhile, I get mad. I realize I had a good point, then I bring it back up later on, because I want to get my side heard, but to him I'm just picking a fight by resurrecting an argument. I'm still working on finding a better way of dealing with him, but as far as strangers on the internet go, I have decided that I will not waste my precious emotional energy on arguing with them.

      Delete
  7. I just read one of your other posts on blame and depression. Thank you for posting this answer and that blog post. I know I m different from others so I just can't seem to stop my self from the well meltdown. It seems that it is when I'm in the situation I can't seem to pull out. I too often find my self doing what you just said in an argument. But I do it with other stuff too. I mean not just an argument. I seem to internalize all the feelings and expression around me deeply. My children do it too. It's often the cause of many a meltdown. I will try meditation but I do prefer prayer. I guess I will do both at the same time. Ohm lord let me stop being a butt head it's not my fault ohm

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am wishing you luck! It is hard work to stop these habits,because they are so automatic in the way our brain in wired. I think the combination of autism and an upbringing where I was not free to express my authentic being really stifled my emotional development. I want to have a healthy, happy and free life, so I am working hard at what that takes, because it's become obvious that without change I am going to keep repeating these habits. I hope you find what works for you so that you can have the life that you want, free of internalizing other's baggage and emotions!

      Delete

If you'd like to follow all comments to this post, please click the 'subscribe by email' link under the comment box. I always reply to every post, and appreciate all feedback. If you have issues getting your comment to post you can email me your comment at inneraspie@yahoo.com. Blogger sometimes loses a comment when the user goes to post, so it is always advisable to highlight and copy your text before hitting the post button.