Inner Aspie

Alien

2012-02-25T14:29:00.001-06:00

I found this video and thought it had a message that most of the autism spectrum could relate to, so I thought I'd share it. Warning it has cursing in it.

Path To Grieving

2012-02-17T16:09:00.000-06:00

I've thought about this post for a long time, I've started it, and deleted it several times, and may several more until I feel comfortable enough to post it, if I ever do. There's nothing comfortable about death, and if you're on the spectrum, I find this is especially true. The words that I write here I could never ever speak out loud. The discomfort involved would be too great. They'd never leave my mouth. The air would travel up my chest, to my throat and get stuck in one big bubble of sadness and awkwardness in my chest. I would feel equally uncomfortable if anyone tried to talk about their feelings with me. It would be intolerable. I always slink through February 17th in hopes that my husband (who has a long history of not remembering important dates) does not remember what today is. If he does, he will get all emotional, want to share that with me, and I can't. I couldn't then and I can't now.

Today, 7 years ago, I gave birth to a daughter named Brenna Hope that was stillborn. She had a rare condition called Anencephaly . It is basically a birth defect where the spinal cord never fully forms, so the baby never grows the entire brain, or cap of the skull. The baby is alive and kicking while still inside the womb, but cannot survive once born.

I remember the doctor's visit all too well. It was after the sonogram was taken, twice. No one would say much during the sono and the doctor called me after the second one for an appt that was out of the usual schedule. It was an odd situation, as my doctor had a stutter, and it was a pretty severe one, at that. The more nervous he was, the worse his stutter... So picture me in his office as he has to tell me and my husband that our baby (at 7 months gestation) will not live. I never thought the sentence would be able to leave his lips, as I sat there in agony trying to guess his next word he was trying so desperately to get out. I just wanted to know what was going on with my baby. The room starting spinning, and I began to get dizzy. I couldn't hear the words after I heard 'no brain' . My boys were beginning to act up, (as ASD kids do) so I took them out to the car while my husband talked to the doctor. I didn't want to be in that room anymore. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

My husband and I made the decision to carry on with the prenancy until I went into labor, which happened at 34 wks . We were prepared for her arrival. I bought a few outfits. One for the hospital, one for pictures (which were graciously taken for free by the hospital's photography) and one for burial. Bonnets were a must to cover the disfigurement. My mother in law made her a quilt to be buried in, as well as an identical one for us to keep. We had a coffin made for her.

We had a viewing and a small graveside service. I appreciated everyone's thoughts and efforts in attending. The make up artist who donated his time to make my angel look presentable, the mortician who lowered his costs to accommodate our budget. It was all very thoughtful.

I did not cry. Not until I got home. I did not want my husband's hugs. I wanted him to stop crying. I wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted the pain to go away. If you've never lost a child, then you cannot fathom this kind of pain. It is unlike any ever felt. I had no way to process it. It was stuck inside me, swelling without any idea of how to release it. I thought my husband was being too dramatic, as his grieving began the moment the doctor uttered the words 'is not compatible with life'. I did not. Logically, I processed it. Intellectually, I knew. I never was in denial. I joined the only on-line group I could find for this kind of birth defect. I could not connect in any way emotionally with these mothers. So, I carried this pain with me. There was no way of getting rid of it, of releasing it, or of easing it. I had no intention of going to candle light vigils for lost children. It was not going to bring mine back. It was just a display of emotion to me, and that I found un-useful. I wished that I knew of my AS, back then. I would have understood why I grieve differently. I'd have been more compassionate and supportive of my husband's need for grieving and affection during this time. Maybe, I would have been more prepared for the delayed wall of utter sadness, despair, and agony that awaited me not long after the burial.

I wonder what kind of cake I'd be baking today, if things turned out differently? Would I be wrapping barbies, or legos? Would she have a party with friends over? Maybe, she'd be like the majority of us in or family and be on the spectrum. Or, the harder questions.. Would I have had enough time for her? Beans was a baby when she was born, so there was no way for me to know that he was profoundly autistic.

I've heard people call autism a 'tragedy' right there in front of their living, breathing wonderful little children. I tell you I know for certain that autism is no tragedy. I know tragedy. I have a keepsake box clothes, plaster footprints, and a picture on my nightstand of what I would call a tragedy.

The old saying, 'time heals' is truthful. Every year it does indeed get easier. I am able to share this with a wider audience than those closest to me for the first time. Even though it is in writing. It's not been easy, but I have learned and gained perspective in life. Children are gifts, even in the difficult moments I remember to be thankful, more patient, more compassionate, more playful. I know how precious they really are and how each moment is to be cherished.

I Am Not Rude!

2012-02-16T14:40:00.000-06:00

This morning Bubby asked me a question that I cannot readily answer. I could, but it's not really a yes/no black/white question and answer.

He was about to leave for school and he had a look on his face like he was thinking deeply. I know the look. It's a mixture of emotion held back from the thought or memory playing in his mind. He shifted his body toward me and looked at me, in an almost demanding way and said:

"Mom, am I rude?" with a hint of almost irritation and defiance.

I froze. This is such a broad question. I was unsure of context. His sister tells him he's rude often. I'd prefer it be called blunt, than rude. He doesn't mince words. His future wife will need a Teflon ego or lots of support. This I am sure of. Still, where was this question coming from, and why did it have him so concerned?

So, I continue with the conversation:

Me: Well... I don't know that I would call you rude. Why? Why do you ask if you're rude?

Him: Luke (a classmate) said I was.

Me: (gulping at the possibility that he told someone they were fat, ugly, or some other such insult) "What did you say to Luke that made him say that?"

Him: "I told him to stop breathing on me! That's NOT rude."

Me: " Well, sometimes... it's best to leave some things unsaid and to ourselves. If it was bothering you so much why didn't you just move and not say anything?"

Him: "I couldn't."

Me: "So, you couldn't move away, and neither could he?"

Him: "No, but I was not rude."

Me: "Well, then the polite thing to do is to not say anything at all and try to deal with it. It's not his fault"

At this point, he is clearly getting worked up. Fists balled, eyebrows down. We are moving into meltdown at light speed and he is not even at school yet. I try to remind him about good manners, like please and thank you, make people feel good, and respected. There are other manners to use as well, like thinking about other people's feelings when we talk to them. This made him more upset. He contended he used good manners. I'm sure he did. I'm sure he said please, before telling the boy to stop breathing on him. I, also explained to him that I so totally understood that it feels so awful to be trapped in close proximity to someone with bad breath, and you can feel their breath on your skin. It's just sensory torture and what I hate about packed elevators and other such places. I also told him that if he can't move from someone, then it's not nice to comment on them breathing on him, or anything else they can't fix immediately in the moment, which moved us into stage 2 of meltdown approaching... The "Aplogize!" phase. This is the calm before the storm with Bubby. He needs you to tell him you're sorry for being wrong. This is a total Sheldon moment if you've ever seen Big Bang Theory. I can't say that I'm sorry for hurting his feelings, or upsetting him, or that he feels upset, or anything besides 'I'm sorry for saying you're rude'. I never said this, but I never didn't say it, either. He sees this truth. He sees this work around of words that intend to convey something, but relies on one to not acknowledge directly that you do, in fact agree with the other side. He is not interested in anything else, but yes or no, and he clearly is biased in the answer he wants. He knows that my careful tiptoe around the answer means that I think he is wrong and to him that is all that matters. I know from experience that to withhold an apology is one of the few things that makes his world crumble into pieces and send him into head banging, screaming for hours, meltdown. I know that many would think 'for shame, that you give in to this.' but... they don't know the aftermath of being on the right side of wrong with Bubby. I do. It's not worth it. To withhold an apology it would be so anxiety provoking and upsetting that it is not worth the lesson that he can't always be right.

So... I suck it up and tell him that I'm sorry and that he's not rude. After all, I know he didn't mean to be. I don't know how to explain it to him. All these arbitrary rules of what is considered rude and what isn't. I don't even understand them half of the time. "Why was that considered rude?!?" is a phrase uttered out of my mouth at least twice a month. In my opinion, I am just sharing my opinion, or letting someone know they have a fact wrong. To others, I at times, lack tact.

I gave Bubby his customary hug and kiss he always also demands after the apology, as routine dictates and he went off to school, hopefully feeling better.

Letting Go Of Pain From The Past With Compassion

2012-02-09T10:26:00.000-06:00

The other day I ran across this this article about dysfunctional families. It took me aback a little bit. I held the words in my mind processing it for days now. This is how my mind works. I mull things over adding bits and pieces of information and understanding, until I build a better understanding of a new concept. This process can take days, or it can take years.

As a child, I was always acutely aware of my mother's sensitive feelings. I wanted to make her happy, and proud of me. When I had class parties I'd always pick out the candies and treats she'd like best, before eating any myself. I'd burst in the door with excitement presenting the treats I'd gathered for her. I'd do the same at gift shops at class field trips. I'd use most of the money I'd been given to buy her something before I would myself. Sometimes, I'd not buy myself anything at all. While the other kids were busy thinking about what they wanted to buy, or what would make them happy I was busy trying to make my mother happy. This is as one might have surmised by now, an endless task, as well as not my responsibility. It's unfortunately one in which I've carried with me as one of those painful lessons you learn as a child. I never learned to look after myself first. Of course, there are positives to this, in that I am a generous person and will share anything I have with anyone in need. I can and do get taken advantage of, as well. I attracted people that were abusive to me and I accepted their abuse as just the way it is in grade school, all along until adulthood.

My father is likely on the spectrum himself, and was emotionally unavailable, as well as physically due to working long hours. When he was around, he expected order, and quiet. He never gave compliments and always let you know in a harshly critical manner when you were wrong. I stayed away from him as much as possible, because we didn't get along. I got no support from him and my ability to out-argue him relentlessly got me labeled a troublemaker.

As you might imagine, my father was completely unable to handle my mother's wildly swinging emotions and need for empathy. He is simply unable to do so and she is unable to regulate herself. I firmly believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder. The two together is a recipe for disaster. I became the person that things hinged on. If things were good, I was good. If things were bad, I was bad. I was/am the scapegoat in the family. My mother's mental health declined year after year. By the time I was in my adolescence she was pretty neurotic. With me about to leave the home, and my brother most of the way grown she wasn't as needed anymore. She saw things that weren't there and accused me of doing things I never did. If I got a new friend, a boyfriend, or even an interest that took my time away from her... she'd come up with something that I had done or they'd done to keep me away from them. Even going so far as to admitting me mental hospitals, so she could get pity from family. She believed that I summoned evil spirits to terrorize her and so many other things that were equally as crazy. Child Protective Services tried to remove me from the home at age 17. My mother said I was responsible for that, too and refused to speak to me for quite awhile after that.

I was tragically scarred by these experiences. As an adult now, I am putting things into perspective, allowing healing and new growth. One of those processes is understanding what on earth made my mother behave the way she did/does. As a mother myself, I can't fathom treating my kids that way. I have asked this question many times over, and the answer I believe is in this quote:

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over.” Thich Nhat Hanh"

I know my mother suffers. She suffers greatly. She can't help, but to let it pour over onto others, infecting them with her pain. The last two years we are not on speaking terms at all. Her pain of feeling abandoned by me was more than she could handle. A conversation couldn't go by where out of the blue I'd be told how all of my struggles with my ASD kids are my own fault for moving away from her. She won't visit me, because I made my own bed, so now I can lie in it, as far as she's concerned. Or if I'd be asking for advice about my daughter she'd drop in that as long as she doesn't grow up to be ungrateful and mean spirited as me, then I'll have escaped the real pain of motherhood that she has endured. I finally could take it no more. I told her to get help to manage her pain, or leave me alone. She chose leaving me alone. That was painful. It was awful for me, and I am still gathering up coping skills to help me deal with it. I don't think anyone ever really gets over something like that. So, if anything I have derived some comfort in knowing that it's not me, or about me. She just can't contain her massive amount of pain and agony. This may be an important part for me to move forward, and letting myself feel worthy of love, life and joy.

Finding Me

2012-02-04T20:27:00.000-06:00

I found this quote this morning as I plan out my day:

"All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself." ~Ralph Ellison, "Battle Royal"

It seems to be apt to how I feel today. How I feel often, as a matter of fact. I've been trying to sort through so many things, a bad childhood, a unstable life, me, who I am, who I thought I was, or who I thought I should be...Now I am just trying to feel my way through life just being me, but then I'm not sure who that is or who it should be, or I want it to be.

I think I know who I am. I mean, my personality is pretty static. My likes and dislikes don't change much. I seem to be constantly trying to improve on my personality, though. Like, I try to figure out what is 'right' or more desirable by the world's standards, and I set out to be that characteristic. I tweak, and change and try to be more 'normal' by other's standards. What I found out was that not only was I miserable this way, but I also attracted people that would take advantage of my low self esteem. I tended to attract people who wanted others that would mirror what they wanted. I was good for that. Gullible, and wanting to be someone, and to please anyone. This set me up for many manipulative friendships. (I'd say relationships, but guys always seemed to be more attached to me than the other way around.) I didn't care much for romance, but companionship, a place to feel cared for unconditionally, yes. That I needed, and wanted.

One of the characteristics that I find seem to cause issues that are a part of me personality is that I say what I think. Stupidity and others not using their own brains gets me worked up. ( See this post for more info on that) I feel I have to point out their flaws in logic. This is not from my vantage point always a friendly, likable trait. It's one I've been working on fixing, but to no avail. I have gained some valuable insight on having better manners while pointing out other's fallacies, as well as working on seeing their POV, so as I can discern why they might feel differently than I do about something, or why they choose to believe something that is so illogical. Take for example, the picture of a frail child in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes that has been circulating Facebook. The premise behind it is that if the picture gets 100 likes he gets a heart transplant. While that would be grand, it's fucking idiotic. As if children's hospitals biggest criteria to such serious transplants revolves around something to arbitrary as FB likes. What if it only gets 89 likes? Is the hospital gonna be like 'Sorry kid. No new heart for you. People on FB didn't care enough to save your life via thumbs up clicks. Guess you're gonna die.' When I saw this, my head almost exploded. I know that I should keep my pessimism to myself, but good lord... I just can't. I commented, very matter of factly and calmly on the post in question that it didn't make sense. Then, I worried endlessly (and still am to be honest) that I upset my great aunt. My anxiety over if I was over the line in my commenting was for a reason. This reason was, I value truth. I value people thinking for themselves. I value hard work that achieves a goal, not some feel good click or prayer that achieves nothing but relieves one's own conscience. When my emotions start screaming at me, I know it is because I am not living by my values. I don't value keeping peace at any cost. Nope. I don't care about that as much as I care about fairness and truth. I need to accept that aspect of myself, instead of trying to be someone I'm clearly not.

I can be me, or I can spend my life miserably trying to chase after a facade that I think is a better version of me. Those are my choices. There's no way to change who I am, and really no need to. The path to dissatisfaction, and unhappiness seems to be paved with low self confidence and a general dislike of self. What I want for my life, for all autistic people (and non-autistics if I'm honest) is to be able to embrace life for what we are, not live in constant battles due to chasing what we have been told we 'should' be. If I want to be happy, if I want to be comfortable, if I want to be content, then I have to learn to like me, and value the traits I possess.

Why (and how) Mindfulness and Meditation Is Useful for People On the Autism Spectrum

2012-02-01T09:14:00.000-06:00

I'd like to make a small post about some of the things that I have learned that have helped me to be calmer and happier as an aspie adult. I see a lot of parents have the same concerns about their kid's emotional states that I am beginning to learn to deal with. Techniques, tips and strategies without relying solely on meds seems to be few and far between for parents out there that are struggling with aggression, anxiety and depression with their autistic child. Other adults may also find some of these helpful.

Without making this entry into a long drawn out science seminar, I will try to briefly explain about what I've found in all my research, and experience. I have often (and still do) wondered how I can be such a rational, very logical calm, kind person, except when I get triggered into being upset. Take my body image and disordered eating for example... So illogical. Makes absolutely no sense in the way I think about it, or behave. I can sit here and tell you that in a calm way, without much feeling at this moment. However, if something were to happen to trigger my anxiety about those issues, my obsessive/compulsive nature would be taking over and I'd not be so rational and calm anymore. This happens to many people with strong emotions, such as anger and anxiety, but those of us on the spectrum can often find ourselves in the middle of a minor, or even major upset and not even always know what triggered it, much less what it's all about. This is due in part to a condition known as alexithymia.

Of course, those of us on the spectrum do have feelings, very strong powerful feelings, just as anyone else. (Sometimes, I think possibly stronger, but how can one manage to measure emotional intensity? ) This leads to my next point: how we deal with them. The part of the brain that deals in emotions is called the limbic system. It can be furthered explained here in this article. (I know that artcile was primarily about love, but it highlights the very aspects of the automatic fight or flight patterns of the brain that I wanted to discuss here in this post.)

So, how does one get that space between pure emotionally driven behavior and higher levels of cognition? After all this is the difference between making good choices and impulsive, regrettable choices. This cushion of fragments in time where your cognition steps in noticing the first signs of upset in the body before the limbic system is flooded with neurochemicals is important in changing behavior.

There are lots of medications out there designed to help acheive that change. Sometimes,they work, sometimes they don't , and others cause so many side effects that it's not an improvement on life. I tried many, many meds and have never found one to work long term. That's why I have turned to relaxation techniques, like meditation. I'll share some of the sites that I have found some tips and how to's. See if any seem to be a good fit for you or your child.

Wildmind Buddhist Meditation This site offers extensive tutorials and articles for anyone interested in learning to meditate and be more relaxed.

Mindful Lots of tips and articles.

Tiny Buddha-always something insirational here

Mindfulkids

Bringing Mindfulness To Schools

Inner Speech, do you have it?

2012-01-27T19:47:00.000-06:00

When you read do you hear a voice? Is it often a the voice of what you know or think the author sounds like? I was shocked to learn a few months ago that some people do. I ran across this article about how dyslexics don't have an inner voice when they read. I guess that most people when they are reading have a voice inside of their head that they hear. It often is the voice of what they know, or perceive the author of the written text to sound like! This was shocking to me. I went to my husband, then to my daughter (who are both dyslexic) and asked them if they heard 'a voice' when they read. They verified they did not. However, I don't either. I am not by any means dyslexic. I never knew anyone did! I know enough about dyslexia to know that just like many on the autism spectrum, they think in pictures. Obviously, this inner speech thing is not central to being dyslexic, or autistic, but rather a byproduct of being wired differently. Though, not everyone on the spectrum has no inner speech, either as I went straight for a very active AS forum and inquired about their inner speech, or lack of there. A few pages of responses later and there were no clear evidence that we all were the same in this area.

So, to my surprise, I have seen the same type of inner speech theory come up this week in relation to autism and ability to problem solve. I think that their data and reasoning behind it is flawed. I also think that the test to see if you 'have inner speech' (which I will post later in this entry) will produce much worry on the behalf of ASD parents everywhere that want their child to learn to live independently. It also assumes that one can bypass this issue by teaching an autistic person who thinks in pictures at a young age to use words instead. This makes no sense to me. It is impossible to think in a different way then one is wired to think. It would be like trying to force Windows to run on a Mac. Not gonna be compatible and everyone is gonna be confused and frustrated in the end.

How does someone like me, who runs a household efficiently and is capable of living independently do it without an inner voice to problem solve, or scaffolding, as my son's speech path would say? I talk out loud, to myself. Not as in having a conversation with myself, but as in talking myself through each step. I'm sure that many of you with verbal children on the autism spectrum have heard your child talk to themselves. We do this, because we don't do it inside of our heads like others do. The more I concentrate on something the more I need to speak out loud about each step. I know my son can be heard in his room at night repeating many conversations he's had with others that day, or practicing on new ones while he goes to sleep. This is our way of working through the social stuff that you all do by instinct. For me, it got much worse in my adolescence, though I don't know why. I'm guessing it was due to needing to focus all that much more on the social side of language, instead of just using it for sharing information, as I had used it my whole life up until that point. No matter what it is, I problem solve it out loud, or by writing it down.

To test your inner speech ability:

(Taken from the link above)\

For this you need two people - one asking the questions and theother doing the test. If you find any of this difficult, it mayindicate problems with reading.
Ask the person to say numbers one to 26 out loud, then to saythem again, but saying one out loud and two and three in their heads,with their tongue clamped between their teeth.

They must not move any part of their body, such as nodding their head or using their fingers.
The correct sequence would be 1, 4, 7, 10, 13, 16, 19, 22, 25. They must complete it within 25 seconds.
Using a pen, tap on the table, say, ten times and askthe other person to count the taps in their head, applying the samerules as above.

How did you do? If you would, please leave a comment about how you did on the test and whether or not you have an ASD, dyslexia or ADHD. You can also find more tests and some very interesting data on this page about inner speech and different learning abilities.

Spot the Autism

2012-01-24T14:50:00.000-06:00

This video here poses a question about being able to 'spot the autism' . I did right away, but I will post it and continue with my writing below so you can take a moment to watch it, so as I don't give away my point.

Were you able to see it? I found this on a FB page about autism. The page owner said she had experience with autism for over 25 years and couldn't spot the autistic child in the video until it was pointed out to her. I interjected that I could right away and attempted to explain why in one or two sentences. The entire thread continued on about services being so wonderful and inclusion and latidah.... everyone putting in their two cents about how they could never ever tell... completely ignoring the fact that I said anything. Apparently, they don't acknowledge any autism unless it fits their definition of what they think autism is and me and my words weren't it, as well as this little girl's actions. The girl in the video could have been me as a child easily. She is not behaving non-autisticly. She is copying NT behavior. That is how I can tell she was on the spectrum, immediately. She is me as a child, and even now as adult. Watch carefully, and you'll see that she is always one second behind everyone else. She pauses and looks around to see what she is supposed to be doing in that moment, then does it. She is becoming a master chameleon. When in doubt, just follow along, as been my motto for my whole life. I can fit into any situation that I need to by smiling and mirroring. It isn't natural. It never will be. That's why socializing with others is so tiring and difficult. It's like doing a huge math problem in my head.

Don't get me wrong. I don't think that that inclusion is a bad thing, or that ASD kids can't be taught social skills. I think inclusion is great and we can most definitely learn social skills, but it's not ever going to be second nature to us. All I am saying is please don't ever think that if ASD kids are force fitted into social situations we will by osmosis become more typical, because that's not what necessarily happens. We may learn to fake it more, but it will always be an act. As for the original intent of the video, I really don't see where schools try to exclude kids with autism. I've always had the opposite problem, which is getting schools to address my son's (Bubby, because he is more like the girl in this video) autism. That's another post for another day, though!

Would you change your child if you could?

2012-01-21T23:07:00.001-06:00

This is my blog response to a question posed by Autism Daddy's post http://autism-daddy.blogspot.com/2012/01/to-parents-that-say-i-wouldnt-change-my.html . As usual, I am not really black and white standing on one side or another. I'm likely to be in agreement with some of you on some areas of this post, and not on others. I'd also like to add, that this is more of a response to the global autism community where this question is often posed and hotly debated, rather than to Autism Daddy personally. I don't really follow his blog, or know or conversate with him, so I really have no opinion of him one way or another, or his views. I just thought that since his blog was the one that brought my attention to this issue today that I ought to refer to it as where I'm starting from, but I'm not necessarily going to address those posts of his point by point. I don't think that there is 'right' or 'wrong' in this situation. That is one thing I want to make clear from the get go and I will not respond to vitriol based comments that are left after this post as if there is only one way to view this very complicated issue. If only life were that simple.

So, would I change my autistic children for the world? How about myself? What would this mean exactly when people say this? I'll be the first to admit I have lots of trouble seeing hyperboles and general concepts. Oops, there goes my autism. I can't imagine something that just isn't and never will be. There can't be any change in my or my son's autism status. There is no cure, or way to be changed, so for me to think about it, well... I just draw a blank. It's illogical, and impossible.

However, what do I think about erasing/easing the struggles my autistic children face everyday? That, as I think any parent would answer, would be a resounding Yes! Yes, I would love to ease my ASD kid's struggles, and My NT child's as well. Afterall, that's the whole notion behind the idea of 'changing our child' isn't it? For most of us, it isn't about the shallow concept of not getting what we anticipated. Although, I will say that that is part of it for some parents of special needs kids. Most of us, it is all about wanting our kids to be happy, and healthy and have the overall ability to pursue what they want in life without big monstrous obstacles in their way. For many, it's the ability to not have to live in a house that's a fortress, always on lockdown, alarms set, for the next elopement. Or, it's about not scrubbing poop off the walls and a oblivious child at 3 AM. Or, maybe it's about not having to worry about your 6 foot adult child becoming suddenly violent in a fit of sensory overwhelm and living with the fear that maybe you might be seriously hurt next time. Maybe, it's about not wanting to see your daughter sit alone at lunch knowing she wants desperately to join in with the group of girls at the next table, but doesn't have a clue as to how to go about it. Maybe, it's about not worrying over who will care for your autistic child when you are gone, and if they'll be taken care of at all. Those are all very common worries when dealing with an autistic loved one.

I want to be clear that I understand those concerns and I have those, too, in my own life with the broad spectrum of autism that is in our household. I also understand that there are some people that are better suited for being special needs parents. Not because some people are better than others as people, but because we all have different things we are good at and things that seem like a big deal to one person may not be as much to another. This isn't about character as much as it's about personality. Some parents of ASD kids need extra support. I wonder what poeple's opinions would be of how autism effects their lives if the support they needed was there? What if, there were ways that eased some of the issues autism poses? What would people's opinion on it be then?

I wonder this, because I wonder if it's possible that in the future, we can have these resources readily available. What if, when a person was diagnosed there were the supports in place to help with the struggles that they have everyday? A team of people specializing in what your child might need. Occupational therapists, and Speech paths, as well as physical therapists. What if there were optimal schooling available, instead of this half assed educational system we have now that doesn't really accommodate anyone? There could be ideas on how to integrate the sensory system for better sleep, less pooptastrophes, less violent overwhelm. There could be a communication system, even if it isn't verbal. There could be social skill training and better acceptance out in the community for autistics. Respite that was available not just to the wealthy.

I am appalled that as of now, most usually there are none of those things offered, not explained to parents when their child is diagnosed with autism. Usually, there is meds offered for 'behaviors' but nothing in the way of how to help the person with autism, or the family live a functional life. Some people research and figure it out for themselves if they have the ability to do so. Others, have the resources to buy the help they need. I am appalled that there are few educational supports that are reliable for children in a country like ours. There is no reason that parents should be as afraid as I know most of you out there reading this are, to send our kids to school everyday. This isn't the fault of autism. This is about stepping up and taking care of each other as humans. Disability will always be a part of society and what it means to be a part of the human race. There is no changing it. We must learn to advocate and have compassion for others that are different from us. I don't want other's pity. Pity helps no one. I want understanding. I want equality, not tolerance. I don't want my boys 'tolerated'. No. I want them valued. I think that in the future with enough advocacy we can possibly achieve this goal. Maybe, with some of the deficits addressed with autism there might be more room to see the potential.

Movies Featuring Autism and Other Disabilities Part 2:

2012-01-16T13:18:00.000-06:00

Here is part two of Movies and TV programs featuring disabilities . This one mostly has movies/programs that are not about autism, since part 1 mostly featured autism. Stay tuned for part 3, and possibly 4!

As Good As It Gets

At First Sight

Hear And Now

Deaf Me - Silently Changing the World

Independent Lens | Lives Worth Living | Clip 1 | PBS

A Dog's Life

I'm An Artist

A Beautiful Mind

Little Man Tate

Pumpkin

Bubble Boy

The Elephant Man

Oh No. Here We Go Again...

2012-01-08T14:56:00.000-06:00

I'm seeing a lot of posts and tweets about the new upcoming series on Fox called Touch . I haven't seen many critical reviews of what I see is a horrible representation of autism. People complain about Rainman being referenced to autism, but like this? I don't get it. Autism is not a shell. Autistic people are not paranormal changelings, indigo people, bridges to higher otherworldly knowledge, witches, magical, or any other mythical being. We are human. Nonverbal autistics are not mute angels sent here as prophets with otherworldy messages. If you don't know what damage this sort of TV program can do, please do a google search for autism and witches, or autism and paranormal, or autism and clairvoyant, or autism and psychic. Expect these results to be more common after this show airs. When I meet someone in the supermarket I do not want Touch to be what they think of when they see my nonverbal son. I thought we left that awful stereotyping back on the 90's with movies like Mercury Rising. I'm really concerned with the odd ideas this show is gonna put into people's minds about autism. I do understand that this is a fictional program that is depicting a fictional scenario, but is those without any idea as to what autism is going to fully grasp that? That's my concern.

Sensory Solutions Part One:

2012-01-07T16:04:00.001-06:00

In the next few entries I'd like to talk about the sensory system , sensory processing issues , and some solutions for these things that can commonly occur in people with neurological differences. This will probably be a two or three part series, so that I can cover the topic thoroughly. It's such an important area to address when dealing with disorders such as autism, asperger's and sometimes ADHD. If we can get the sensory system operating optimally so many of what parents and clinicians call 'behaviors' would disappear.

The sensory system is a wonderful mechanism allowing us to process the world in our own private way. We all have experiences in the sensory realm that is individual to us at any given moment. We seek these experiences out, and are often equated to the feeling of what it means to be alive. Memories are even stored around this information. A certain smell of perfume, or sound of a song, or taste of dessert can bring us back in time years ago. This is how potent and important our sensory experiences are to us as human beings. However, as much as we put a high value on seeking out pleasant sensory experiences, it's equally unpleasant when our sensory systems don't work correctly. We can get too much information at once making us feel attacked by our environment, or not enough information leading us to feel out of sorts and needing some input from our surroundings.

There are five sub-systems that make up our sensory system:

1. Visual: This is the system in which allows us to visually interpret the world around us.

2. Auditory: the sense of hearing

3. Somatosensory: This is the complex system we use to process touch. This one is the most diverse system we have, as it affects how we interpret temperature, pain, body position, and tactile perceptions.

4. Gustatory: This is the system that processes taste such as, sweet, bitter, sour, salty, and umami (which is a Japanese word meaning savory, or to describe a particularly delicious food)

5. Olfactory: or sense of smell

Sometimes, when the nervous system interprets signals differently or in an unorganized way our experience of the world gets out of whack. Our response to certain smells, sounds, and sights as well as textures can feel like torture. This is considered hypersensitivity. When the environment does not provide enough input via our sensory system it's called hyposensitive. From what I've noticed kids on the more severe end of the autism spectrum seem to be hyposensitive to sensory stimuli. Their day is usual filled with self stimulatory (stims) activities designed to provide them with the sensory input that they crave to feel comfortable. Although, most people on the spectrum have varying degrees of being hyper and hypo-sensitive with different senses at different times. In order to help people with Sensory Processing Disorder a sensory diet may be implemented. It's always best to consult with an Occupational Therapist to develop a plan to suit your child best, but that is not always possible for everyone. I'll be sharing tips, as well as different tools to help develop a workable sensory diet for anyone needing help maintaining their sensory system.

Movies Featuring Autism and other Disabilities

2012-01-05T00:02:00.000-06:00

I thought it would be nice to have a compiled list of movies and TV programs about Autism, Intellectual and other disabilities and differences. So, here are a few, in no particular order, that I and some Twitter friends came up with. I will do a part 2 maybe even 3 if needed so that the list doesn't get overwhelmingly long. *Note that I am not necessarily endorsing any of these films or programs as being authentic representations or otherwise accurate portrayals of any disability or difference.

Adam


Mozart and The Whale


Snow Cake

My Name Is Khan
Loving Lampposts

Wretches & Jabberers
Last Orders

What's Eating Gilbert Grape

My Response To John Robison's Blog Post

2012-01-03T10:53:00.000-06:00

I would like to do a kind of response to another blogger's post Looking Forward At The Autism Spectrum by John Elder Robison I didn't want to leave a lengthy comment on his blog that was more appropriate for my own blog post.

I agree with most of what he says in regards to the way society has grown to view the autism spectrum. It used to be only the most severe, profoundly affected people were counted as being on the spectrum, but in the last 18 years that spectrum has broadened quickly with the addition of Asperger's Syndrome to the DSM in 1994. There are other factors that play a part in the growing numbers (and by proxy definitions) of ASD in the last 20 years, but for this post I will talk mostly about what the differences can be between profound autism and asperger's and where we remember those differences where they are important. Though, if one is interested in exploring these different reasons, and considerations I'd highly recommend reading Unstrange Minds-Remapping The World Of Autism By Dr. Grinker

As I have stated in other posts human rights, most specifically Disability Rights is one of my special interests. I have a pretty good idea of the different needs that many autistic people NEED on a daily basis. I also am all for acceptance of autism as it is, without making ASD people seem inferior or less than. I think that at times it's hard for me to reconcile my different viewpoints, and I am by all means learning and growing everyday as all of us do. My opinions shift from time to time and adjust to new knowledge. I see nothing wrong with feeling good about being being autistic, and feeling proud of one's neurological wiring. I see that there is worth and reason for that viewpoint. Having confidence and pride in who you are is a spectacular thing. One in which I don't wish to downplay at any time in this post for people with Asperger's or any form of ASD. But, on the same token we can't forget that there are areas that autistic people struggle with (some more than others) that are vitally important to living. Some people will require more assistance than others, and there is no shame in that. To get away from discrimination I think we need to remember that having disabilities does not diminish worth, or personhood. I think that often times people with AS will state that they're just different, but not disabled. I have always taken an issue with that stance. If you have nothing that separates you from NTs, then how or even why did you get a diagnosis? How did you meet the criteria? Why did you go to see a psychologist in the first place? Why is it such a bad thing to admit that you're disabled? Why is it okay for some to have that label, but not yourself? Are you in the mindframe that it makes you less than to be labeled as disabled? If so, than do you see yourself as better than others with disability? These are hard questions. They beg for an honest answer. They actually go in circles if one doesn't answer them honestly. You can't get away from it.

I admit, I have areas of everyday living that would be dreadfully difficult if it weren't for extra help that I receive from my husband. It isn't a lot, and I am able to mostly take care of my own, but I would not be able to live a full life free from extreme conditions if I were left to my own devices for food, shelter and other living requirements. Those things would be too difficult to master simultaneously for me. There'd be strong deficits that would affect my overall wellbeing. Though, I also have to admit that while I do have some deficits that require help the autism spectrum is broad. I have a pretty good example of differing points on the autism spectrum in my own house. I have Asperger's (and to be fair, I'd say fairly mildly at that, if there were such a thing). Bubby has PDD-NOS according to a few doctors and High Functioning Autism according to one, AS according to another.... In other words, the jury is out with him on the exact diagnosis. I do not take exception to him being considered mildly autistic, as I think that's a good description, since I don't like to use functioning labels. Beans, is what any would consider to be profoundly autistic, as well as Intellectually Disabled. This is not due to him being nonverbal or any of the things that can sometimes look like a child is ID due to not testing well, but rather globally he operates on a level of about a 12 month old. His official diagnosis is Moderate-severe autism with a Global Developmental Delay-including a cognitive delay. I have absolutely no delusions in my mind that he will need 24 hr constant supervision for the rest of his life. If he is potty trained, and uses utensils as an adult I will consider therapy well done. He is 8 now and nowhere close to these things.

While, I have mixed feelings about autism being classified differently in the next DSM I will say that there is a vast, vast difference between myself and Beans. Absolutely. Since I have somewhat unique circumstances to where I can experience autism firsthand from an AS perspective, as well as from a mother of 2 very differently affected little boys I can and will get very offended by other's remarks that their AS child is comparable to the level of care that Beans takes. While I would never tell another mother her struggles don't exist, or diminish her level of pain, as we all feel differently about different things, but please don't say you understand unless you have a child like Beans. I have only ran across a handful of people online that have a child like Beans, and every one of those mothers had made the difficult decision to put their child in a residential care facility by the time they were an adolescent. Clearly, the level of need is not even close, so please think about that when you advocate. If you have AS, please remember that there are those that need help every minute of everyday to survive. There isn't anything wrong with this, but remember to acknowledge them in your advocacy efforts in a way that shows respect, but also doesn't diminish the level of need they need everyday.

The Public Face Of Autism

2011-12-28T15:08:00.000-06:00

I don't have time for an incredibly well written, witty post. With this kids still on holiday break and hubby at home the last few days my time has been spoken for. I do however, have a small favor to ask everyone in the autism community. See that picture above the post? Stop using it as a stock photo for autism. Please, just stop. It is degrading. It is humiliating. It is stigmatizing. It is perpetuating stereotypes. It doesn't represent autism. It doesn't represent anything other than outdated, misconceptions of what autism was thought to be. I'm tired of seeing it attached to 1/3 of every news article, or otherwise information about ASD. Do you want people to treat your autistic child with respect, love and kindness? Sure you do. We all want that for our kids. Then, please portray them as possessing those qualities and deserving those things. Insist that others use respectful images and words in association with autism. No, this doesn't mean that Autism is a bed of roses and always should be spoken of as such. Just remember you are the ones that are telling the world what it means to be autistic. Ask yourself before sharing and speaking... is this a representation of how I want others to view my child/loved one?

Thank you.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T12:43:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!
From left to right: Bubby, Beans, My Husband ( I don't have a clever name for him yet!) Me, and CJ

This picture is rare in that we haven't had any kind of family picture taken in 9 yrs. Beans was way less than happy about sitting and Dad was subsequently bitten and pinched several times, but we got it!

Accepting Autism

2011-12-18T14:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I posted a video about Adults with Autism that the wonderful people over at Rethinking Autism made. It isn't new, but seems to not have been circulated as much as I wish it were. We really do need to rethink autism. We need to rethink how we think about it, how we talk about it, how we feel about it, how we treat it, whether we treat it, and so on. We need a discussion that is frank, open and really holds people with dismal opinions accountable for these opinions, these half truths, these myths they spread to scrutiny. We need people to think about what they say and how these things affect those on the autism community. So many times,I think people think that the mother on the pity potty about how hard it is to manage autism, how vaccines stole their baby, how they cling to false hope that their child will miraculously recover, on and on... but we don't challenge her. It's her opinion, we say. It's her right to believe it, we say, but what about autistic rights? What about the right to be considered a full fledged human being with with a full experience of life just like anyone else? Their kids will be adults one day. They will still be autistic. You don't recover/cure from neurological differences. The stigma they stick their kids with today, will be their kid's burden to carry tomorrow. When I wrote about how I value my son Beans just the way he is and how those we associate with seem to see his potential as well. So, today in this post I'd like to share another video from Rethinking Autism:

Get to Know an Autistic Adult

2011-12-16T20:18:00.000-06:00

I'm the one in the black dress at 1:00 on the video

Reminders from NT-land that I could do without

2011-12-16T10:45:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I received another e-mail newsletter from the regular ed. 2nd grade classroom from Bean's school. I guess this is due to inclusion, but he is rarely in the regular ed room. He is in a self contained, autism only classroom due to his level of need.

I am usually not one of those moms who gets upset about what other kids can do compared to her own. I didn't cry when my boys were diagnosed, and I've never ever came even close to crying during an IEP meeting. Why would I? I remember when I did the Parents As Teachers program (early childhood program for babies and toddlers) part of that was regular Denver II screenings. My boys failed, Beans totally. Bubby just screamed through most of it, lending me the 'most patient parent I've ever seen' moniker from the kids' pediatrician and the PAT lady. I sat there quietly as they'd struggle to do tasks, or even act as if no one was even speaking to them at all. I was told that I was the only parent she'd ever seen that did not intervene and try to do the tasks for them, or keep interrupting the tests by insisting my kids CAN do this or that task.

I insisted that if I were to sabotage the results in any way, then it would not be a true measure of their ability, and besides I had no stock in their developmental tests. As far as I was concerned every child developed differently, and it was no reflection on them or me if they were behind. I have no reason to live vicariously through what my kids do. We are separate. I guess, that if I had compared my kids to other kids more often, then I would have noticed their autism earlier, but that's neither here no there at this point.

My point is in this post, is that I can't help but feel a little irritated, and sad when I am reminded weekly of what others kids Bean's age are doing. The regular 2nd grade has spelling lists. I'm listening to his ABA therapy and they're working on holding a crayon correctly and coloring in the lines. The regular 2nd grade had a food drive. Ian has a goal of sorting items of food, clothes and now toys to different bins. They remind the 2nd grade class to not chew gum in class. My son chews electric cords, computer chairs, and obliterated my laptop cord by chewing on it. Nothing can be left out in his reach, or he will eat it. He has chewed up a good portion of Bubby's DS games, just because Bubby forgot to put it away and left it by his bed in the bedroom they share.

I know that it is customary to send special ed parents newsletters from regular ed classrooms, because most of those kids are somewhat included in those classes. I have watched all the kids that Beans started with in preschool in his autism class learn to sign, use PECs, speak, get potty trained, use utensils, and yes, even somewhat get included into the regular class for their age. In fleeting moments it makes me wonder what I've done wrong, but then I've met the other parents and know for a fact that they don't provide their child with more than I do with mine.

However, to end this post on a positive note, I have been told by most of the people that have worked with him,one on one workers, paras, teachers, ect.. that he is their favorite. He walks into any room and everyone throws a party for him. Even at home, everyone's is always happy to see him. The other day I asked his teacher who is extra fond of him, so that I could be sure to include them on my treat basket list. She came back with 11 names! From the school nurse to the secretaries! I followed him and his para into the school to leave the treats in the office last week. Beans ran in like lightening and I could hear people calling him from the office where he rounded the corner with gusto and jumped on the secretary's lap hugs and tickles. This is what they do everyday. Then, on his way to the classroom he gets fives from all the kids in the hall, who know him by name. He is a popular little guy!

I guess, when I think of all the happiness he gives to others with his smiles and cute way of just being I have to admit the first part of this post doesn't seem like such a big deal.

Anticipating an IEP meeting

2011-12-13T12:04:00.001-06:00

Tomorrow, I have an annual IEP meeting for Bubby at his school. We'll be updating his annual goals, as well as adding new ones related to his math issues. We just had one about a month ago to add language and spelling services to his IEP. I think I go to more meetings then a CEO. I got a call to schedule Bean's IEP yesterday.

Today, I will be gathering all of Bubby's report cards, progress reports, ect that I have not yet added to the monster 3 ring binder than chronicles his life. From the very first special ed testing, to every doctor's report. It's all there. Sometimes, I have info that they don't and they have to take copies of MY files. lol I have concerns about the work they're doing in speech therapy and am going to request to see data on progress. I keep letting that area go, and I need to put my foot down. Now that he is in the Intermediate Center (4th-6th grade or 9-12 year olds) the speech path is by far superior to the old one, so I have seen some progress in his conversational speech, particularly the ability to take more than one (even one is progress) conversational turn during a conversation. Just last year, he would ask you 100 million very personal questions and then walk away. If you asked him something, he would likely not answer, or if he did it would be short, without any info. As a matter of fact, the other day we were going through the annual questions to re-qualify him for community based services (or the &^%$ wait list, since there are no services being given at this time, only space on a list) and he did wonderfully on answering questions. Not only did I see him do well in answering the questions on topic, but he fibbed... not a big fib, but he anticipated what the socially correct answers were, and answered them that way. I was amazed. For example, he was asked " what do you do when you're lonely?" He answered " I find someone to keep me company." Or, "what do you do when you're bored?" He said "I find something to do to occupy my time." Which is untrue. Both of those things would have required assistance from me and he would have gotten relatively whiny about it, too. The thing is, he knew that on a social level it was embarrassing to say that he whines and has a fit when he's bored or lonely and needs me to redirect him. He also told the case manager that he prepares his own food and while he can do some things, he by far still needs me to do most of it. (and he has a huge meltdown every time I insist he try to make new things himself) It's been a slow process. The point is, is that he knew most 10 yo boys make their own snacks and that he was different. I really didn't think he had that concept of himself vs others, but I guess he does.

I have gotten off track on this post, babbling. :D I will be doing lots of research on dyscalculia and the evidence based treatment options today, so I will be posting lots of link on Inner Aspie's FB page if anyone wants to know more about it, I also apologize to those of you that already follow, but don't want to know more about it if I am clogging up your feed. Check back there tomorrow for results about the meeting.

First/Then Bathroom Schedule

2011-12-11T13:48:00.001-06:00

This morning we had another little mishap with Bubby using almost a whole roll of toilet paper when using the bathroom, causing the toilet to get backed up. I have tried lots of times to remind him and chat with him about what is the proper protocol in the bathroom for how much toilet paper to use, and even giving up on that and telling him to use wipes, but alas.... he still struggles. So, I decided that I should make him a First/Then schedule like I had to with the shower. I feel he is too old to have me hovering over him in private moments in the bathroom, as well as me being a helicopter mom does nothing to foster his independence. I thought that perhaps I would share the schedule with anyone that might like to use it as well. This is not an uncommon issue in the autism world. Feel free to download it if you can use it.

PS. The only reason that I put the first part on there about sitting is because he has a weird phobia of snakes somehow being in the toilet, so he hovers, thus making a mess. I think this has gotten better, but just in case I left that in there.

Class work

2011-12-09T09:01:00.000-06:00

Another meltdown happened today for Bubby due to being frustrated when he couldn't keep up with the class. I'm not sure how to address this. He IS much slower at doing his work than the rest of the class, but I also know that the teacher can't always just stop everyone from moving on so that he can catch up. He tends to struggle with spelling due to not having much phonemic awareness (which is currently being addressed in with extra help in spelling) so he has to copy words letter for letter instead of from memory. That slows him down considerably. He is supposed to have a para available to him in the situations that it happens in the most, which is the only two classes he switches to another room for. I'm not sure if he had a para assist him today , or not. It's my opinion that he needs to leave the room until he can calm down if he feels a meltdown coming on. He is supposed to request a break. I know that this is the opposite of what most parents request (and the school staff has argued with me about it as well) but I feel he is way too old to be crying and carrying on in front of his peers. If he can't get his meltdown under control almost as soon as he gets upset, then he needs to get some quiet time to himself, so that he can calm himself down with dignity. I don't have many meltdowns where I get that upset and I had fewer than 5 the whole time I was in school, but I am a girl. I tend to shutdown, before meltdown, but I have had it happen where I can't control my tirade of tears and barrage of insults and blubbering idiocy that comes spilling out. Those moments are so full of pain, and desperate anxiety. I would never want to be on public display, so it's my belief that my son should be afforded the dignity of getting his emotions under control in privacy.

We have another IEP meeting set up for next Thursday where we will be updating goals and I plan to bring this topic up, as well. As I mentioned on the FB page his teacher does agree with me about the dyscalculia and agrees wholly that we should get him some extra help in the maths dept. I love, love, love his teacher this year. She is an older lady, old enough to have been my teacher, and so kind and knowledgeable. She is the one that helped me to pursue CJ's testing for dyslexia.

I hope it all goes well. I'll try to blog about the results of the IEP and what the team suggests we do about the issues of Bubby wanting the class not to leave him behind in worksheets.

The Girl Inside - Autism Song

2011-12-08T15:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I made a a status update on my Inner Aspie Page on FB or about the richness of my inner world. How it is so vibrant and full, and how much that I wish sometimes that I could pull someone else inside of my head to simultaneously experience it with me. Sometimes, this space inside my mind transcends words. Linguistically, there are no words that could do some of my thoughts and feelings justice, especially the ones that I feel for other people. To me, my love and care for others is always evident and expressed, but to them, it rarely seems that way. I wouldn't say that I feel locked inside my mind, but I do sometimes feel subdued and restrained by it. Sometimes, when I (or most likely any autistic person) goes on and on about our favorite things it's because these things bring us incredible joy, and we want to share that joy with you. I want you to join me in this moment of shared emotion, even if it is by sharing information, or for some on the spectrum... repeating the same things. When I come to you with information that I learned and am bursting with excitement it is because I see you as someone I want to share with. I want to include you in my space, and feel included in yours. In my world, it feels as if other people are on a different frequency that me 95% of the time. That other 5% is very special to me when I feel valued, included and loved. Everyone needs this. So please remember that when you cut off your child, spouse, co-worker, ect... when they keep going on about their special interests, or asks you the same question for the one millionth time... We just want that connection that everyone wants and are getting it the way we are wired to do.

Oh, and I deleted the FB post not long after I wrote it, because I thought it sounded stupid, and weird. When I came across this song today I was reminded of it and decided that sometimes the things I hesitate to share the most due to feeling uncomfortable are the things that are probably the most important.

Choices

2011-11-29T14:39:00.001-06:00

When I was a child I was watching an interview on TV. I can't remember what show, or who it was being interviewed, other than it was a rock musician, but otherwise it's elusive. One thing was said that really struck me and I have remembered it for the last 25 plus years. The person being interviewed was talking about being a good person and how he comes to the conclusion of what constitutes good behavior, and generates good karma.

He said:
"What if everyone in the world acted like I am right now? What kind of world would that be? What would society look like? Would that be a world I'd like to live in?"

I thought that was such a powerful statement. It was easy to understand and easy to apply. I must've been about 8 when I heard it and understood exactly what he meant. Sometimes, if I wanted to do something a little naughty as a child I'd think about what if everyone did that? Jumping on my bed... probably not a big deal if everyone in the world did that. (they may even have fun!) But, say I wanted to leave a mess in a public space, just me, just this once... It doesn't seem to be a big deal at that level of misplaced responsibility;ie someone else will clean it up. But, if one is to think about what if everyone left a mess in Mcdonald's or the park? What if everyone shirked their responsibility of what is fair and right, even in little issues? That's very much how I sometimes decided what was important rules, and what was not that important. It put things in perspective when it's easy to just tell yourself this or that won't hurt... no one will notice if I just.... Well, all those little actions (or inactions) add up accumulating into a bigger part of what makes our society. We all have a responsibility to do the right thing all the time. We all have to do our part, and step up to what's right. We too often feel that we are small and don't can't make a difference. That's not true. Everyday, every choice you make, every word you use, every action you do, every time you choose to not do any of those things (because let's face it choosing to do nothing is still a choice) we make a difference, an effect on someone, or something somewhere. How we use that power, or don't use that power is up to us.

Time Magazine's December Issue

2011-11-27T15:52:00.001-06:00

Just a quick post on something I found that made my jaw drop.....
While most of you argue about whether the Obama's will put up a Christmas tree, or what the Kardashian's are doing now, or who said what faux paux at the latest debates one thing is for certain. All these petty issues that the media keeps bringing up and putting in our face with a solid 24 hour news feed is designed to keep us focused on inconsequential things. Our attention is on the drama that the news networks sell us, and we lap it like a soap opera thirsty audience we are.

For anyone who thinks our media is free and unbiased in the United States, I present you our current Time magazine cover:

Now, I will show to you Europe's , Asia, and the South Pacific:

See the difference? One is about how fear can be a good thing. The other is about a revolution where the people of a country seek true democracy from their oppressive government. Wonder why the media here doesn't want us to see this?

New Thanksgiving Traditions

2011-11-24T20:05:00.001-06:00

Today I'm thankful for:
* The food I cooked and ate.
*The kitchen I cooked it in.
*The family I cooked it for.
* The ability and skill to make nutritious and tasty meals for my family.
* The courage to finally make the holidays be about what my family needs and not worry about everyone else.
*The laughter that my family shared today.
*Beans, because today is his 8th Birthday. :)
*My husband and his unwavering love and support.
*CJ and all of her help around the house.
*Bubby, and his unique, authentic self.

As this Thanksgiving winds up and my 33rd birthday is right around the corner I feel that my life is opening to new and adventurous paths. This is a time where I think that maturity of life sets in and we start to see things in a different light. We begin to see life as more meanigful in less big ways. We slow down just enough to see the past and and future from the vantage point of the present. Love, marriage, children and the mortgage might have been had by now in our lives. Some of those things might have been lost, too by now. At this point in life most of us have experienced some loss.

My kids are smack dab in the middle of being grown. One foot out the door. It was only 3 years ago I remember buying my daughter an easy bake oven and polly pockets for Christmas. Now, she has a boyfriend, and goes to school dances. Soon, she'll be driving. This gives me an idea of just how fast time moves at this time in life. Time is precious and not to be wasted. Looking back, I wasted too much of it worrying about this or that. Trying to make others happy, or worrying over what others thought. Each moment I let go into my obsessive worrying, my obsessive needs to be perfect, my over focusing on me in a negative way, is one in which I can never get back. When I let anxiety take over and take me to the place in my thoughts where I dwell in negativity I lose time to be here in the present. I miss moments of my kids growing up, or an opportunity to just be in the company of my husband or to think of a friend, because I was too preoccupied with me own thoughts. There isn't much room or time left when we let negative emotions take up residence in our minds, using up the present moment.

So, today my family and I stayed home, as is our new tradition. We ate what we wanted, on our own schedule. My boys had pizza and no one batted an eye. It was the pace we liked and how we liked it. It was our holiday and we made it our own. No one to tell us otherwise, and it was the best Thanksgiving we've ever had. I just wonder what took me so long to shake the negative influences of others and do what works for us?

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss

Just For Today....

2011-11-22T08:44:00.001-06:00

I awoke today with my mood triggers being pulled all over the place. Writing always helps me to clear out my head and gives me something tangible to look at and a point of focus instead of the twisted ball of unnamed mass inside my head of feelings thought and automatic beliefs that end up being me in the same old pattern in the same old place.

So...

Just for today, I will not worry about what I ate yesterday, what I will eat tomorrow, and what I will eat on Thanksgiving.

Just for this moment, I will not weigh myself or think about what exercise I need to do, or want to do.

Just for this morning, I will not compare my looks to.... well anyone.

Just for this morning I will remember to breath.

Just for today, I will remember that these feelings of inadequacy are not me, don't define me, and will never lift me to where I want to be.

Just for today, I will find my inner diva and let her sing, if only off key and quietly.

Just for this moment I will be in quiet reminder that to feel different I have to be different, and to do that takes action. I can change my circumstances one second at a time, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Just for this hour I will remind myself of the compassion that I show others and remember to give a little of that back to myself.

Just for this day I will remember nothing is permanent, not this day, not these feelings and not this life. I will hold myself in each moment knowing it all will pass, remembering to choose what I pay attention to carefully. In the end, it's the compilation of what held our attention for all these moments that make our life.

Just for this moment, this hour, this day I will remember that the people I associate with, the words I use, the music I hear, the tv I watch, the sites I visit all make me Me. Influence and be influenced by love and compassion is what I want me to be about.

Overcoming The Urge To Debate

2011-11-14T08:35:00.001-06:00

The other day my husband and I were talking to each other about ways we have come to understand each other better and build a stronger marriage by that understanding. I said something about understanding that when he gets upset a ton of super emotional nonsense comes barreling out. His strong emotions become fact and he doesn't make sense. He just starts ranting and can even be insulting, and way exaggerative about everything. He said that I like to argue about everything, debating to the last detail even when it's unimportant. It went something like this:

Him: I have realized that you like to argue.
Me: I do not.
Him: Yes, you do. You like to debate everything. It's part of who you are and I know not to take that personally anymore,
Me: When? When do I debate about meaningless issues? Name a time...
Him: (he just looks at me)
Me: Awwww ok.....yeah. I'm doing that right now aren't I? Oops. Guess, I can be a bit pedantic about some things.

This is something that's deeply ingrained in who I am. It's been my goal for awhile to learn to let things be sometimes without correcting, or demanding proof of other people's assertions. It's an odd thing with me... I can be very warm and empathetic, but at the same time very much the opposite when the situation is different. When I see something wrong, a fact that is being twisted, or distorted, or worse even, an opinion being touted as a fact I *have* to correct it. My inner drive switches and feelings are no longer relevant to me at that time. To me in this moment, it is not personal, it's about virtue. Old conservatives with their rhetoric about Obama, guns, and illegals will make my blood pressure rise in mere seconds. Don't be opening your mouth around me like you know something when you have no facts to back it up. Make that speech of yours hateful and derogatory and it's on. I will let you know just how much you thought you knew and will not allow ad hominem or off topic rants. In other words, if I choose to take up a debate you best bet I know what I'm talking about, or I wouldn't have opened my mouth to begin with. I don't debate subjects that I don't know the facts about.

Anyway, this is a habit that I know can be considered off putting to many, and it's time consuming, as well as emotionally consuming. I can and will get very upset if the other party can't see my POV, especially when I have provided proper proof. Why would one want to go on believing something false? (I think there's a lot of reasons humans lie to themselves to feel better, but that's another post!) This is something I have set out to change about myself the last 6 months. Maybe, not completely obliterate, but take it down a notch or two. I have realized that I have done that quite well in this pursuit this morning.

I saw someone misinformed about a certain issue and make a broad prejudice statement about the whole issue based on a sliver of information. He does this often on line. I almost had my whole arguement laid out inside my head ready to deliver through my finger tips when I realized this would likely take all day of back and forth debating. I decided that I didn't have time for that, and he's just probably going to think what he wants anyway. Then, I thought about it for a minute and I realized that I have not been so easily baited into debates lately at all. The other day my father in law started in Obama, Walmart and guns on my.... I did correct him a few times, but I mostly kept it to myself. He was getting emotional and trying to present a factual argument to someone that's in an emotional mindset is futile, so I directed him to the points we agree on, instead of disagree on and we remained civil. Sometimes, I feel it's more important to make a person feel heard, and find common ground rather than correcting them. Perhaps, when less threatened they'll be more open to your side.

In any event, this was a social skill that I have been working on for many years that I think I finally have a good grasp on! Yay me.

I Need Help!-Why it's sometimes hard for people on the spectrum to ask for assistance.

2011-11-12T16:45:00.001-06:00

I thought that I might write a small follow up to the issue that I talked about in my last entry because I did think about it, and despite me thinking that it was something that wasn't informational, I realized that it could be.

In the entry Things You Wish Adults Knew When You Were A Child there are several comments about being bullied, emotional, or otherwise feeling a bit out of sorts and not having a clue as to how to go about expressing it. One of them is mine. I guess that's the whole point to my last entry. I almost never actually say to anyone 'Hey, I'm struggling here, ' or 'help'. As I said, it simply doesn't occur to me to do so, or I just can't figure it out. When I do finally get out that I'm having trouble as I did on my FB post (I literally said 'I'm falling apart') that's almost an S.O.S. for me.

For one, it's hard to explain my emotions. I have to figure out what I am feeling, label it, and then figure out how to appropriately express that to another human. There's a term called Alexithymia that applies to most people on the spectrum. It's basically the difficulty of processing and describing emotions. I have worked very hard on this, and am able to some degree feel my feelings as they come and label them. It took a couple decades of practice with emotion charts, and perseverance. It wasn't easy. It's hard to ask for help, if you can't even identify that you're feeling down, angry, whatnot. Even physical sensations would not be processed correctly, and still isn't to some degree. Sometimes, when I am sick I get upset easily and have lots of meltdowns, but don't always process the physical sensation of feeling ill. I've had strep throat as an adult for a couple wks before I realized I was sick, but was super difficult to deal with during that time! So, now I know that if I'm getting moody, I may need to check in to see if I am hurting, not feeling well, hungry, thirsty.. ect...

I can now more easily label, say anger when it is occurring. I can't always tell you why it's there, and am frequently left feeling upset, and not knowing why. I have somewhat given up on always tracing back the reasons to my upset feelings. I find it more important that I deal with my feelings in a healthy way, and proficiently, rather than worrying about where or why they are there. I'm still working on doing this steadily. Not there yet, by far.

The criteria for Asperger's lists:
(C) a lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interest or achievements with other people, (e.g.. by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people)
(D) lack of social or emotional reciprocity

I'd go so far as to say it's not lack of sharing enjoyment that is near as much the problem as is lack of sharing duress. Either I simply can't due to lack of words, or ability, or it doesn't occur to me do so, literally. In the same way my family complains that they never ever have heard me say 'I want' or 'I'd like to have' X (signaling them what I might like to receive for Christmas and birthdays) I don't think about sharing what I feel or what I need. When I do, it may be understated with emotion to the point that an NT would think it was a minor issue. I was told by the clinician that diagnosed me that my face almost never shows any emotion, at all. So, as I am telling someone how terribly sad, and depressed I am the flat affect of my face my not convey just how serious I am. Even on the internet, I may not have the ability to fully express the amount of pain or suffering I am in or how much I'd like some assistance. When I do, I feel so awkward and so embarrassed that it's likely I will delete it quickly. Here, not as much, because it's an anonymous blog. I feel very vulnerable and almost ashamed of expressing emotion. Writing by far is waaay easier than speaking, though.

So, I thought that perhaps my issue I had a couple days ago might be of some use to parents and loved ones of those on the spectrum if explained fully as to what happened. Why it's hard for us to say we need help, and what the best method is to assist us in telling you ie; writing texting, ect...

Unspoken

2011-11-11T14:36:00.001-06:00

This post isn't going to be one of those inspirational post where I give out some useful info on this or that, or have tips, or a funny story about Bubby to share. I'm not sure why I am writing this, or where I'm going with it... Maybe, it might be informative to some, I don't know...

The other day I really needed a friend to talk to. I was in one of those states where another POV, or some encouraging words would have been just what I needed. I never ask for this and maybe I wasn't clear when I posted about it on FB how desperate I was or how bad I felt. People with ASD usually don't. I usually can't find the words, or don't know how, or even more so, it literally never occurs to me to ask for help, or to share my feelings.

In any event, only three people out of almost 100 responded. Even when I have taken out time in my day to always talk with, console and help others. Ask around, you'll know that I've never ignored a e-mail, or private message, even if it was from someone who seemed crazy or no one else would give the time of day. I always make time for others when in need. Considering this, it was especially hurtful that when I needed a little encouragement I was mostly ignored. I see other posts frequently about similar things posted by others and they get a lot of response.

I'm not one to talk about personal things on FB. One of my pet peeves are the people that use their status update to unload dirt on their significant other. My husband and I never ever speak ill of one another to anyone, much less on a social networking site. I don't talk about things like that, but it doesn't mean that all is well. If anyone would have thought to ask I'd have told them that I'm on the brink of divorce with my husband, I'm filing for bankruptcy, and trying to get my home out of foreclosure. The doctor that was supposed to turn in Bean's psych eval to update his MRDD services didn't (that was several months ago), so we're in danger of losing that. Just found out that 2 days ago. Now he wants another appt. Don't ask me why. How much of an evaluation can you give a nonverbal (almost) 9 yr old that functions about at the level of a 12 mo. old? If I were to lose those services the autism waiver, with the ABA and his place on the wait list for community services would all go away. The only social thing that my husband and I do happens once a month and I was completely unable to get a sitter for that last night. We so needed that time away. I have issues coming at me from all different directions.

So, my goal for this next month is to make time for genuine friends, and discard the rest. I am also making finding a reliable sitter a goal, as well. I guess it's up to me to make the best out of what I have, so that's what I am doing.

Seniors Join Occupy Chicago To Protest Safety Net Program Cuts « CBS Chicago

2011-11-08T12:35:00.000-06:00

Seniors Join Occupy Chicago To Protest Safety Net Program Cuts « CBS Chicago

This news story is part of what I was talking about in my post Injustice and Inequality . When the top percent get greedy no wealth trickles down and it's the people at the very bottom of our economy, the seniors, disabled, and people down on their luck that pay the price. There's nothing left for them. The safety net that this older generation of seniors paid into is being taken away. Cut after cut, they are seeing their hard earned taxes that paid their fair share of being yanked out right when they need them most. I find it to be sad that our government is ran this way.

A Video about AS and Parenting

2011-11-07T08:02:00.001-06:00

A video I made a little over a year ago about being a mother with Asperger's. It's not my best platform, and this is only my second video ever, but there's some good points in there.

http://youtu.be/s2GajbXWFeU

Eating and Body Image

2011-11-02T14:36:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite sites that I like to read had this article about eating disorders and cooking. I found that it highly resonated with me, even though I am not college-aged and I am not technically anorexic. I would not doubt that I may qualify for eating disorder-nos, but nonetheless, I have features of anorexia that have been damaging to my own life and has worn out the patience of those close to me. I'm actively working on overcoming my body image issues, one day at a time.

In the article it talked about liking to cook for others. I actually own a homemade sweets business. I love baking, and cooking and have a knack for detail and patience that come in handy with food prep. I think that I am relatively a good cook. I rarely eat more than a few bites of anything sweet that I make. I spend hours in the kitchen cooking and baking everything from scratch. I am even considering making a blog just to showcase recipes and pictures of foods that I make. I love cooking! One customer commented to me that I was 'too skinny' to be a cook and that was me 20 pounds ago.

In this post I talk about my weight issues, as well as the commonality that many ladies with AS seem to have anorexia, whereas ladies with border line personality disorder tend to lean toward bulimia. I think the difference is control. Vomiting is one of my biggest phobias. It is so awful, and uncontrollable. Sort of, to some extent I can most definitely control it, but once I can't it feels like an awful out of control experience that I have to endure. If I can control my body, what I eat, and what I look like, then my anxiety will be alleviated. My anxious, OCD-like self needs order. I need rules to live by. I thought I did anyway. Now, I am getting healthier and seeing that all these rules and restrictions that I place on myself is doing me more harm than good. They are making my life less safe, less happy, then the opposite intended purpose.

Yesterday, as my day wound up to almost bed time I started feeling that anxious feeling creep in... I had eaten some candy, and I had been too busy to exercise. As I realized that my day was almost over what seemed like I might be okay with earlier in the day, was feeling like walls were closing in on me now. I began to obsess, with all of my usual techniques... First, the thoughts about getting fat, then the weighing myself. then the mentioning it to my husband, who if he does not give me the exact answer in the exact words that I want to reassure me of my body image the night will be filled with arguments about how he really sees me. (Not proud of that, but it is true) I was able to get a handle on my anxiety and realize that I was indeed behaving in a way that I didn't want to. It's been a long hard road to get even this far. I may always see myself as fat, but I don't have to let my thoughts and feelings rule my life. I can see them for what they are, notice them, and carry on with my day in accordance to the person I want to be. The person I want to be is not one that makes everyone walk on eggshells about my weight issues, or that plans her day around food, calories and exercise. I want to be someone who is fun, caring, and makes people feel good to be around. Following my anxiety-riddled thoughts about body image were not going to get me to that goal.

My Contribution To Autistics Speaking Day

2011-11-01T14:27:00.001-05:00

Like many people on the spectrum, I wanted to write a blog entry on Autistics Speaking Day which is today. I had forgotten about it until today and have no preconceived topic of relevance to really drive a powerful post home. I know many are writing some heavy powerful, well thought out pieces about what being autistic means to them, and more specifically what it feel like to them to be talked about and around like the original November 1st day Communication Shutdown. I think that perhaps I'll go another route....

I am overjoyed to see this day so prominently displayed across social networks, blogs, and newspapers. It was not long ago something like this would never have been thought possible. You simply didn't talk about your differences in front of others if you were on the spectrum, and parents of ASD kids had little support. When I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome last year the clinician told me that I should tell people that I have AS that I am in regular contact with. My first response to that was that she was crazy! I'd never get taken seriously again! Then she explained to me that my communication differences can look like snubbery, inattention, aloofness, ect.... and that I'd get more compassion from others if I told them. I tried it. One of the hardest was my verbal son's IEP team. They had been running circles around me not wanting to give him the proper supports he needed for his anxiety and other differences. I finally one day in a meeting got all my courage up and shot down their proposals by telling them they did NOT in fact know better than me about what he needs, because I am also on the spectrum. There was no comeback to that.... It was silent. But, they heard me, and despite my fears of being further disregarded, I was listened to. I began to do the same with my nonverbal son's one on on therapists. I made my beefs with ABA, and other tactics clear. I explained to them the reasons why some of us do what we do. They never knew. It wasn't that they didn't care (well some didn't but they don't work for him anymore due to that attitude) they just didn't know. They wanted to know, and were happy to hear. I spoke, and I was listened to. This was a novel experience, indeed.

I actually felt empowered by other's acceptance, and felt more confident. I began this blog, and to advocate further for my boys. I didn't take the attitude from the school 'well, that's just how we do things' because I felt empowered to finally stand up and voice my opinion. There wasn't that long ago that this day wouldn't have happened. The cloud of shame and secrecy has began to dissipate around the world over disabilities. It isn't perfect, or utopia, as so many are still oppressed, and trodden, forgotten about, but it is a start. I think that while things could be improved we have made enough room in today's society to make those changes, to be heard. In my opinion, there is not a better time in history to be autistic.

Giving back this holiday season.

2011-10-30T16:16:00.000-05:00

Now that the holiday season is coming upon us, I am thinking that now more than ever with all the current world events, that it would be a good time to remember others. I would like to talk about ways that we could all pull together to give back. What sorts of things do you do to give back to the community, to others less fortunate,ect.. during the holidays, or even everyday? What ideas can we generate here as a way to pay it forward this season?

I'll keep thinking and be back later to add my ideas.

Psychiatrists propose a new diagnosis for early psychosis

2011-10-13T10:02:00.001-05:00

I came across This article in the Scientific American that talks about adding a new diagnosis to the DSM V that would pre-diagnose what looks to be early onset psychosis. While I see some potential in this, I think it is too vague in it's nature of what would constitute 'symptoms' and would lead to even more misdiagnosis, especially of mild forms of ASD where we have finally moved away from clinicians misdiagnosing people with AS with psychotic disorders, such as schizophrenia. I think that medicating something that we don't understand is never a good solution. Anti psychotics always make people calmer and quiter no matter what was the original problem. It doesn't mean that it solved anything. I am however all in favor of cognitive behavior therapy, particularly the kinds that involve Mindfulness skills for people that seem to be exhibiting paranoid, or delusional symptoms. I think everyone could benefit from learning how to be more mindful and more in tune with themselves. I just see too much potential pitfalls in slapping labels on people that may be difficult to remove due to the nature of the label itself, ie; the patient may not get taken seriously after being diagnosed with something so stigmatizing. Being labeled as psychotic, or even potentially so, needs to be done with as much careful precision as possible. I know just how it feels to sit in a therapists office trying to explain my own social awkwardness and sensory issues in the best way I knew how with the limited amount of emotional awareness that I had, and being accused of being paranoid, and being told that it was just my perception of how I perceived others that was the issue. I feel this diagnosis could lead to more of that prejudice and would outweigh the potential benefits.

Different Perspectives: Dining Out-Part 2

2011-10-10T23:57:00.000-05:00

In my Previous post I talked about some of the sensory difficulties and such that can be associated with going out to dinner when one is on the spectrum. I promised a follow up with some ideas, and suggestions to some of these common problems.

First, let me take you back, just a little bit to how I came about these different ways of doing things. My older child, Bubby is almost 10 years old. He is on the milder end of the spectrum, some doctors say PDD-NOS and other Asperger's, and still others High functioning autism. I tend to to go with HFA, or mild autism, as I don't care much for functioning labels on humans. Anyway, he wasn't diagnosed until he was almost 5 and wouldn't have been then if it weren't for his brother being evaluated due to his unmistakable autism features, namely nonverbal. So, I trudged with him in tow to every place, including restaurants treating him as if he were a typical child until autism came into my awareness when he was 4. He wasn't a typical child and the disparity between my expectations and his behavior became increasingly clear via meltdowns. He threw a whopper of a meltdown every place we went the first 4 yrs of his life, without fail. I came home and cried after every time I attempted to leave the house with him during that time. It was awful. After discovering he was on the spectrum (and subsequently myself) I was able to arm myself with this knowledge. I was able to accommodate what he needs to help him feel comfortable in his environment, and this made all the difference. These little nuggets of info would have made a world of difference in my family's lives 8 years ago, so I am hoping they might help some other parents to be able to go out to eat and have a little time to relax without it being such a drag out struggle.

1. Decide where you want to eat.
I know that seems pretty simple and something you do anyway, but... let's take it back a few steps and think a little more about it.
Firstly, does it have your child's favorite food, or food they like to eat? Many kids on the spectrum will only eat a small variety of things. With my boys, they almost always will insist on chicken strips and fries, or pizza. Where we go must have these things, otherwise there will likely be a meltdown, or at the least some bored kids and wasted food. You can call someone you know who has been there and ask, or call the restaurant and ask. Depending upon where you're going, I have been surprised to find menus on line for many restaurants.

If there is a good chance of no food on the menu that your child will eat, and you need to meet at a specific place, say for a social gathering, then you can bring food in with you. This one is gutsy, and takes courage, but I've done it before when a group of people we were meeting at a European cafe where there were no chicken and fries, or pizza. I had my going out to the zoo/beach bag with us, so we stopped at McDonald's and got the boys some food and brought it with us, purchasing their drinks at the other restaurant., and taking our trash with us. As long as you're patronizing the restaurant you're eating at as much as possible, and it's for special needs only, then I don't see why this isn't okay.

How are your child's waiting skills? Keep in mind your child's emotional, and cognitive level when selecting a place to dine. If they can't stay seated for than a few minutes, or has had some major issues in the past with dining out, then perhaps you may be better off doing fast food. Fast food venues offer quick escapes and quicker overall eating time than other restaurants. Save the nicer places for grown up times, like dates with your spouse for the time being. We rarely took our kids anywhere else for a few years, because Bubby was just unable to handle the slower, more formal atmosphere. Fast food places are excellent places to practice manners and good behavior.

2. How crowded is the establishment likely to be?
Any place around where we live that's any good to eat at, and that's not fast food, is packed during meal times. This is not only an issue for my boys, but also for me. I can't handle the noise and the crowds. It really takes away from my whole experience of going out, which I do enjoy doing. If you know ahead of time that the restaurant might be super busy, then it might be a good idea to go on an off time. Sometimes, we will go at 5:00 or 5:30. Other times, we will have a snack and go closer to 7:00 or 8:00. (the later time sometimes is still just as crowded,so beware of that) If it's busy and we need to go at a peak time, due to not planning ahead, or unforeseen circumstances we will split up and my husband will wait inside and me and the boys will wait in the car or walk around until our table is ready. My husband will text me and the dreadful wait in the shoulder to shoulder crowded corridor is avoided. Also, I sometimes see if there is a 'call ahead list'. It's pretty much the same as reservations, but not as strict of format. That way you can shorten your wait for a table that way.

3. Picking out your table.
I doubt that NTs really ever think about their table placement, much, but I know I sure do! First, if at all possible, always pick a booth. I hate sitting at tables. Booths are much more private, quiet, and block out so much more stimuli. Tables make me anxious and nervous. Plus, I can kind of pen in my boys in booths.

Next, locate where the most noise is coming from. The cash register, the door , the kitchen, ect.. Find the table as far away from these areas as possible. The least amount of traffic and noise, the better. If you have child who is frightened of motor noises it is imperative you not sit by the kitchen where blenders, and other machinery will likely set off a meltdown. Beans is that way, and it really hurts his ears to be subjected to these noises.

4. Ordering
If you are familiar with the restaurant, or already know what your child is going to eat, then by all means, order with your drinks. There's no need for the waitress/waiter to take the orders all at once. If you don't need to see the menu to make a decision, then by all means, get the food on it's way. I know my boys take forever to eat, plus get bored waiting. Letting them get their food quicker is a bonus for everyone! If they are verbal, then let them order for themselves, if they want to. Being able to order food at a restaurant is a very important life skill that may require lots of practice. It's important that they feel confident and encouraged without judgement.

5. Waiting....
Before you leave the house you should pack an entertainment bag of some sorts. Bubby is old enough to remember his own, which now consists of his DS. I used to allow him to pick 2 or 3 Thomas Trains to take to play with, or some other toys that were small and easy to pack up. Beans doesn't play with toys, but likes to tap on random objects. Cardboard being his favorite, especially the little boxes gum comes in. I save those for restaurant and shopping only. They're tiny and novel, because he doesn't get them everyday. People stare. I let them. They will do that more and more as he gets older and his voice continues to deepen when he makes his noises and taps at everything. If he gets to loud I remind him he needs to use a 'quiet mouth' but I have no idea if he even understands me.

6. Manners.
This is more meant for parents than the children here. It's up to us to model appropriate behavior for our kids and to let them know what they can and can't do. If your ASD child is going into meltdown (and you know what that looks like) and can't get calmed down in less than 5 minutes, then please take them outside to walk around or to sit in the car to calm down. There was not one time before my son was 5 that my husband and I didn't have to take turns eating at restaurants due to having to take Bubby out to cool down during his many meltdowns. It's not okay to let your kid scream bloody murder in public and ruin everyone else's meal. Also, even ASD kids need to learn that it's not okay to scream like that in public. Meltdowns are to be dealt with with dignity, not in front of a gaping audience.

The same goes for letting your child run around a restaurant. Not okay. It's disruptive and someone could get hurt. I've seen other ASD parents do this before, then proceed to hand out their Autism Awareness cards. I find that sort of awareness humiliating. My boys were sitting there nicely while theirs were running around, making all sorts of noise and got so far ahead of them he ran out into the parking lot. Sometimes, ASD kids do need to move, and it's okay to walk around with them holding their hand, or even take them outside and walk a few minutes if they need to. I have to do this at times with Beans, though thankfully not Bubby anymore.

I hope that helps make your next dining out experience a little more enjoyable. Let me know if you have any questions or would like to share some tips of your own.

Different Perspectives: Dining Out

2011-10-10T16:49:00.000-05:00

This entry I would like to discuss dining out and how that might effect someone on the spectrum. I'm using the word 'person' instead of child, because I find that they sensory experience can be daunting for autistic children and adults alike. I will also follow up this entry with a some practical ideas to help make dining out more enjoyable of an experience for everyone.

NT Perspective:
I admit that I don't know exactly how NTs feel while having dinner out... I'm guessing that they have a filter that easily filters out most of the background noise, thus freeing them up to socialize. They can listen to the music, talk to friends and enjoy their meal all at the same time. This tends to be a very popular and enjoyable multi-sensory experience for them. Good food and good company seems to be a pretty common goal for most social experiences.

Autistic Perspective:
For someone with autism dining out can be enjoyable, but is often filled with anxiety. Oftentimes, some people on the spectrum are very uneasy trying someplace new. They might be unsure if they will like what's on the menu, or how it is prepared. (Remember, we can get so tripped up in our anxiety that we forget that the current situation isn't forever and that there may be another option that we aren't thinking about at that moment,) Once inside, there might be a wait, which for young kids on the spectrum might be too much to deal with. Most restaurants have music playing, which is extraordinarily loud to most of us. I often find that I can't hear over the music to be able to listen to conversations. Too much sensory input starts making everything get all garbled. When that happens my head starts feeling confused and cloudy. I might get irritable. Very low light bothers me when it's arranged in certain ways. I don't know how to explain it differently, other than there are some lighting fixtures and arrangements that bother my eyes. Sitting still in a booth or table can be challenging for on the move types. This isn't squirmy like all kids get, but a real sensory need to move around and physically interact with one's environment. I almost always feel cold in restaurants, which make it harder for me to deal with other sensory stimuli that is unpleasant.

With all that being said, my family and I really do like to go out to eat. It took lots of effort and trials and errors before we have found some workable solutions to some of these issues I've discussed here. I'll be outlining some of these ideas, and suggestions in my next entry.

Injustice and Inequality

2011-10-06T16:00:00.000-05:00

If you live in the United States you might have heard of the new Occupy Wall Street movement. Maybe. It's possible you haven't even though last night over 20,000 protesters marched in New York as well as thousands of others in other cities around the United States. The media has largely ignored this group of people that have literally moved into an area park by Wall Street. Most states have their own Occupy [insert city name here] where you can go to protest in your own public space near you. This page here has the full written text of what this movement is about. You can also go to youtube and watch the speech as it was given.

The purpose of my writing this is not to talk a bunch of politics, but to speak about what is happening here in America. To add my voice to the 99% of those who are crumbling under economic pressure to pay a debt we didn't incur. To speak up against bailouts that we still are holding the bag for while those responsible get away with obnoxious bonuses and no consequences. Those of us who while buying groceries know damn well there won't be enough for rent, or mortgage, and utilities, while the top percent live well off of our hard work.

My husband, after 9 yrs of back breaking labor, long hours and unwavering loyalty got laid off of his job. This was after a few other financial emergencies. We are now in the process of filing bankruptcy. We are one of the lucky ones that we have incurred debt that can be forgiven. If everything goes well, we might be able to keep our house and my husband's work vehicle. We did all the right things. My husband worked hard and I stayed home to care for our special needs kids. We live very modestly. Most of the possessions I own are second hand. This debt that we fell under wasn't borne out of luxury. My kids have state health care. My husband and I have none. Everyday, I am terrified one of us will get sick and we won't be able to go to the doctor, or afford proper healthcare.We live sometimes day to day trying to keep food on the table and clothes on our kids backs.My husband works 7 days a week, sometimes up to 13 hours a day. The cost of living when combined with wages that are not even close to being equal spells out failure for the working class. Everything goes up, except wages, and that's if you're lucky enough to be able to find a job. Thousands of people out there are straddled with thousands of dollars of school loan debt that they can't pay, because they can't find a job, and the jobs they can get isn't near enough to pay their debt, nor is it using any of the degrees they worked their ass of to get and now can't use.

All this is bad, but what I fear for most is the future of my children. Especially, Beans. I'm well aware of the fact that he will need 24 hours assistance for the rest of his life. I'm already seeing social security fall apart, with no money to pay for public services like what he is going to need. I'm terrified that there will be no one to care for him as an adult, or worse, he will be institutionalized in a facility that society can't keep up with, meaning extremely poor conditions. When there's not enough to go around the most vulnerable will be the ones to suffer the most. That's how it is. Even now, I'm well aware of the ones that are going hungry because they can't afford to pay for a public service like Meals On Wheels, yet they are too disabled to make food for themselves. The safety net is gone, and basic human needs are going unmet, everyday in this country. I'm afraid that if things don't change, things will be much worse for my children as adults, and many others like them.

Different Perspectives: Eye Contact

2011-10-01T17:46:00.001-05:00

On this Different Perspectives I'd like to talk a little bit about eye contact and what it might mean to NTs and autistics. As always, I am only me, so I may or may not be in sync with your experience, or the autistic person in your life. We're all a little different, but I like to do these Perspective posts about my experiences as well as based on some of the common things I've heard from others on and off the spectrum. I'm always a little more than worried that I am going to get a hoard of comments saying that what I write doesn't fit their experiences, ect, ect... So,,, with that dislcaimer out of the way, let's talk about eye contact.

Eye Contact for Neurotypicals:
Eye contact for a typical person is a way of communicating. They can cue into emotions, thoughts, and other nonverbal cues just by looking at each other's eyes. It's a show of respect and attentiveness to make eye contact with someone as you converse. No eye contact, or broken/poor eye contact also holds meaning to typical people in the way of nonverbal communication. It can mean the other person is bored, or finds you unimportant. It can mean they're shy, or anxious. Poor eye contact can also be indicative of dishonesty, as one doesn't want others to read that they may be lying in their eyes they may look away while fibbing, or ashamed. To people not on the spectrum eye contact is just as important as the words we use to speak. So much meaning is attributed to eye gaze!

Eye contact for People on the Autism Spectrum:
I've heard some autistic people describe looking into other people's eyes painful, like looking into the sun. For me, it's an emotional pain. It feels overwhelming, like a switch gets flipped inside my head and I hear, nor feel anything else. My adrenaline goes up, and I feel like running away. I will look away as a way to ease this and to pay attention to the other person. I can't hear and look at another person at the same time. It feel to me like a gross invasion of my space, of my being. It feels like someone is taking something from me which is so personal and part of me. Something that I am not willingly giving, but is being taken by force. It feels so personally invasive, as if someone is reading my thoughts without my permission. I obviously know that no one can, or is, but it feels like they are. If I am having to feign eye contact for something important, say a job interview or something similar, I am too busy counting seconds and trying to be appropriate with the amount of eye contact that I'm avoiding staring or looking inattentive, yet I am being very [preoccupied with all of this to the point that the very thing NTs do to show attention is the opposite of what I am doing. There is no point to doing it, as it doesn't indicate my level of attention, nor will I ever get any kind of communication from it. It is purely for show, and is quite painful for most on the autism spectrum.

I would urge parents to think about this before making eye contact a big deal with their ASD kids, or a part of their therapy plan. I know it is common for speech paths in particular to bring a desired or requested item up to their eyes making the child fix eye gaze before receiving the item. I will not allow such methods to be used with my boys. To me, it is disrespecting who they are and their rights to feel safe, and have their personal space. I'd never allow anyone to do anything to them repetitively that makes them feel antagonized, or fearful, yet this is exactly how eye contact makes most on the spectrum feel.

With that being said, there are some situations where an adult on the spectrum may need help learning how to feign eye contact. I mentioned job interviews, earlier. That one is a biggie, becasue as unfair as it seems, that few minutes of nonverbal communication is crucial to whether or not a company is going to consider hiring you or not, even if you have a killer resume. Unfortunately, I do feel that this is much more of a stigma for males than females, who might come off as passive, shy, and maybe a bit submissive if they don't make as much eye contact. Males might look the same (which unfair as it is, will be held against them) as well as other more devious characteristics might also be wrongly assumed by an interviewer.

I'd love to hear your thoughts about eye contact and what it means to you.

Fall Decorations with Bubby

2011-09-30T09:25:00.000-05:00

This is one of my posts that really have no real moral, or thoughtful point to it. Just a post to be chatty and not so serious, because honestly who wants to be serious ALL the time? Not me.

Here this last week my son, Bubby has been nagging about doing fall decorations. I know what you're thinking.. wow what a little interior decorator in the the making... No, not quite. He's not the creative type, really. No, it's more about the calendar change. He's obsessed with calendars and dates. He checks the calendar in our kitchen several times a day. We often joke that he can feel it when I write something on the calendar at school. He seems to have a sixth sense in knowing that sort of thing. He checks and rechecks everyday for any changes in routine and schedules. He memorizes every little appointment and holiday. He wants to know everyone's birthday when he meets them. Then, he'll want to know your family memebers birthdays, and possibly anniversaries. He's always full of questions about your stats (another obsession).

So, when he saw that the first day of fall came and went, he asked about the fall decorations (all 3 of them lol). He has asked everyday since, even though everyday I tell him I do it on the first of October. I have my routine, too and refuse to budge from the comfort of my own schedule, which is fall decorations come out on October 1st-31st since they are Halloween decorations. All of them were also given to me, as I'm not the type to think about seasonal (or much of any other for that matter) decorations. Since he's so fixated on fall decorations I thought it would be nice to google some fall crafts that he could easily do that we could hang up. I thought that might be a fun thing to do this weekend.

Then it will be time for more holidays, which he's already asked about. The other day he asked 'what kind of Christmas activities do we have planned?' lol

Mindful Depression

2011-09-27T08:59:00.001-05:00

I thought that I ought to do a little update since Last post was gloomy. I am feeling much, much better since. So, much so that I contemplated deleting the post where I talked about my depression. I expressed in it how uncomfortable it was to write it, and it's even more so to leave it there after feeling better.

So, I explored that thought, that feeling...

Why does it feel uncomfortable post about my depression? Answer: It's personal. I don't want others to think that I'm loopy.

Why do you think others will think that, and why does it matter if they do? Answer: I just feel that they will judge me, and think I'm unstable or weird or whatever. I want to look like I have it together, and when I talk about the darker side of me, it does not look like I am together, and in control. I don't want to be seen as less than. It matters, because I won't be heard, or held in the same respect as others.

I could go on about why it would matter to be seen together and in control, but I think that I already answered that. It comes down to not letting my guard down and being seen for who I am wholly and fully, because I am well aware of the consequences of being viewed as not important or even less than. This is not an illusion, or some kind of cognitive distortion. This is how people with disabilities get treated everyday. This is why we shun the term altogether and make up new ones like 'differently abled' but that doesn't change the social stigma over the whole issue. Putting a new name on something doesn't change the social implications or consequences of the state of being of someone with differences.

Still, I choose to leave the post there. There is nothing to be ashamed about if at times we feel depressed. If you have AS, this more than likely, is going to be a recurrence in one's life. There is no reason to judge it as bad, or horrible, or something we must get away, hide away from. That's how we fuel such negative thoughts and feelings. Melancholy is just an emotion. It's not something that's bad, or good in and of itself. The judgements we put on it, the feelings we associate with it, can be, but the feeling itself of being melancholy, well no. I have explored through mindfulness that it's the fighting against certain emotions, the fear of them, that makes one suffer. Pain doesn't always have to equal suffering. I felt down, but it was temporary, and I knew that it was when I was in that state. Depression isn't me, but just a impermanent emotion. I didn't get too caught up in identifying it, or trying to get away from it. I did make choices about how to deal with it. I chose to not become too absorbed in it, and to do positive things that I listed in my last entry. That's all we can do. One choice at a time brings us closer or further from where and who we want to be. Every minute of everyday, we have these choices. When added together they make what is our life. I can't choose not to be depressed, but I can choose to take a walk, or eat healthy, or share a kindness with another person... all things that might be mood enhancing.

So, yes, I am leaving the entry where I talk about my depression. In the culture where everyone is supposed to be happy, and positive and strangers tell you to 'smile' ( I fucking hate that) it's almost taboo to be not happy. Too much emphasis is put on positive emotions and the ones that are more negative are considered not equal to the 'good' ones, when in reality it's our perception of what these states mean that matters more than the actual states themselves. All these false perceptions of what we need, who we are... illusions that we keep believing.

Ugggg..Depression (again)

2011-09-25T10:00:00.002-05:00

This is one of those posts that I'm not sure if I ought to write. It's personal. It's about how I feel and not so much applicable to the reader as it's not informational to them. I feel more effective as a blogger when I write more impersonal posts, but sometimes, what's on my mind first and foremost is my own life and my own feelings about it. This week has been one of those weeks.

I am noticing depression easing itself back into my life, clouding my view, and making everything blah. I think there's a lot that is contributing to this, but if I were more centered and mindful it would not effect me as much. I don't want to be back where I was last winter. That was one of the worst times in my life emotionally. When I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I was also diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder . I thought that it wasn't really that much of an issue and just a part of having AS. I'm still unsure how valid a separate diagnosis for my mood is, but I can't deny that I have some major issues with depression. I have felt better these last 4 months. So, so much better. I don't want to go back to the way I had lived my life these last 20 some years. I now know that the dull melancholy that had accompanied my thoughts for as long as I could remember didn't have to be there. That I can have a much more positive outlook that can have much more positive consequences. I felt comfortable and okay with myself for the first time ever that I could remember. Here this last week or so I have been feeling all of that fade away. I have been feeling less than a person this week and that is a state of mind that I don't miss. I feel as if I have failed at everything I have ever tried to do, and if I keep on this track of thinking suicide will look like a good option again. I don't want to go back to that dark place again. I need to get a plan of action going. So, this week I am going to not give into my tiredness. I am going to exercise, like I have been. I am going to try to be in control of what I can and let the rest be, including other people's opinion and reactions to me. I'm not going to give in like I have most of my life. I'm going to meditate and keep on with what I know is a good direction, even if in this moment nothing feels good. I can't go back to being so down that nothing seems motivating. I hope this time I can turn things around. Undoing 20+ years of conditioning isn't easy, but can be done.

Different Perspectives: Hugs

2011-09-20T11:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes while I am poking around on the internet I read things written by parents and spouses of autistics. I am convinced that there is a major communication meltdown between NTs (neurotypicals-meaning someone without a neurological difference such as autism) and those with ASD. I do think that there are times where people are just being selfish and uncaring on both sides, but I do feel that most of the time it's more about people getting their feelings hurt and reacting from a place of pain. We don't always make our best judgements or behave at our best when coming from that place.

So, I thought I'd try to offer up a few of the most commonly read ones and an explanation for what might be going on for both sides in an effort to bridge the gap a bit, Obviously, I am only one person with one point of view, so I may be off the mark a little bit, or a lot for how these situations may have been or will be experienced in your life.

I think that I will make this a series with one example being cited a a time. Kind of like those relationship articles where they have He said She said and then the counselor's turn to moderate and discuss the issue.

"My son/daughter/husband/wife doesn't respond to my affection." or "He/She runs away from my hugs and kisses"
Translation:
I show my love with physical affection and when you reject that, it feels like you are rejecting ME. I feel hurt and alone without frequent physical touch as a part of my daily routine . (especially for spouses) As a parent, I feel helpless when you cry and I can't comfort you. I may even feel like a bad parent. I sometimes feel ignored and unloved by your lack of reciprocation of physical affection. I feel abandoned and uncared for.

What the person on the spectrum might be thinking:
Hugs can feel suffocating and scary. I may not be able to read nonverbal cues well enough to know when, or how long a hug might occur, thus making physical contact seem unpredictable. Light touch is often aggravating. Deep pressure may work better than light brushes. (they make my skin crawl just thinking about it) One of my sons enjoy being squished up in a blanket. This might be a good alternative to hugs. Trust is important and trying to force physical contact in one way to be sure I will not trust you. Let me cue you when I am ready and be gentle. Provoking anxiety will only make me feel more distrustful and leery. I can show my affection in other ways, like doing things for you to show I think of you and care. Please, look for alternative ways I might be showing my love, like remembering to do a chore for you that you dislike, or making something for you. Some children that are on the severe end of the spectrum like to carry around objects from the people they love most. This can be shoes, clothes, jewelry, or other personal items that have your scent on them and remind them of you. This is their way of being close to you. For my spouse, I like to show affection, but only but only when he listens to my sensory issues and doesn't do the things I dislike. Clean shaven, no light brushes on my skin, no stinky breath, ect.. Respecting my space and my being results in more hugs and kisses for him.

How Rules Can Help With The Big Picture

2011-09-19T06:30:00.000-05:00

The last few posts I have written about scheduling, and changing habits and becoming more productive as well as trying to give up being so obsessive. Probably more of this blog is about that than not! :) I don't know about other ladies with Asperger's or other differences and how they might be similar. I just know about myself and these things have been a struggle for me for many years. I used to spend several hours a day cleaning my house and it was spotless without question. Then my boys came along and I had to choose between tending to them and letting them be themselves or having a home with nothing out of place. I chose them and had to let my house fall far below my standards of clean. I let it go physically, but mentally I knew I had to be a failure. I thought that my house was by far substandard,and I was not a good mother, wife or person. I felt that everyone else noticed these things and thought less of me, too. Now, thanks to learning some really good meditating techniques and combining them with Mindfulness I know that my self worth is not dependent on such trivial things as how clean my house is. I am not my house, I am not my clutter and I am not all these other judgements that I put upon myself.

Getting from that rigid of thinking and self flagellation to more balanced thinking was not easy, nor overnight. I used many of the techniques that I have already listed in previous posts. I am still a very rigid thinker and that's not likely to change. No amount of meditation and mindfulness is going to be able to change how my mind works to that degree. My brain, works on rules. Everything has a rule. I am not over-exaggerating. There is not much I don't do that I have not thought through, decided on how to best carry out every little detail to increase functionality and efficiency. These rules become a ritual and I don't care much for these being changed unless I have lots of time to think about it first and acclimate. The order in which I load the dishwasher to the order in which the towels are put away, to the order in which I watch TV programs on my DVR all have rules. Those rules all serve a purpose to me and for me. They make sense in my world and they make me happy when carried out. They make me equally unhappy when they are not. Even though I get overwhelmed in the wake of the hurricane like mess my husband leaves everywhere I think his chronic disorganization was okay with me, because I could control my environment. I could control my world. I make the schedule (because he can't) I decide where things go, and what bills get paid. He can't (or greatly struggles) do these things, leaving the door open for me to be in a relationship that is almost like being alone.

So, rules have been my way of getting things done, even with mindfulness. If I have a rule, I can cope. My brain has something to latch onto. I have lost weight by making rules about how much to eat and when. I make rules about exercise, when and how. When cleaning to give myself more flexibility and be more productive I bring a timer. I have tried several different methods, but this one has worked the best. I alternate half the house every other day by cleaning 5 rooms a day. I clean each room for 5 minutes and when the timer dings I stop. I have to move on to the next room. Otherwise, I'd be so overwhelmed with details that I'd be in one corner of the house all day doing things that most people reserve for spring cleaning. You'd be amazed at what you can get done in 5 minutes, especially if you move quickly, because you know you only have 5 minutes! I do one room a day for 20 minutes, so that some bigger cleaning like mopping and such can also get done. That's only 45 minutes a day, but it seems to do the job. I don't always get to it daily, but I try. Without my timer, and without my rules of time I'd be stuck on details either not moving due to feeling too overwhelmed by the totality of it all, or I'd get too involved and get next to nothing done in the way of the big picture. Keeping the big picture in mind is a difficult thing for me to do. Feeling like I have some structure helps me to move ahead towards my goals.

Lifestyle Change Update

2011-09-18T08:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't been doing weekly weigh ins anymore for a few weeks. I felt it was detracting too much from the main subjects of this blog, but it is also apart of me, and my journey. It's part of growing into being something else, and doing things differently, as well as being healthier. I have completely changed my diet, and exercise habits. I now eat as little white flour, sugar and caffeine as possible. Once a week I get to go to town on those things. That's when I 'cheat' on my 'diet', except it's not a diet. It's a lifestyle change. It's the way I'm living from here on out. This is part of what has kept me so successful. There is no black and white thinking. If I am too busy and can't complete a full workout I don't just do away with it entirely. I do half a workout, or decide to change in my free day for this day. It's not all or nothing. This is new habits and if I wait until I feel like exercising or dieting I will never do it. I don't tell myself I can't go to a social gathering where there's cake, for example. I decide that I have choices. I can eat a very small slice of cake, or I can make this day my cheat day for the week and eat a regular piece. Usually, I like my routine, and my cheat day doesn't move, but I have done it a time or two when I had a fun social engagement, or a night out with my husband where I wanted to eat more than a small serving of food.

So, here are my results to date: I've lost-
15 1/2 pounds
2.75' off my waist
3' off my hips
5% bodyfat
2.5 on my BMI

I have lost pretty close to all the weight I gained when I stopped smoking and didn't take my thyroid medicine! I'm quite happy with my results! :)

Conversations With Bubby: 2

2011-09-17T12:06:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted any of Bubby's new funny remarks lately, so I thought I might catch up with a few of the recent ones. For a nine year old little boy, he can sure come up with some good ones.

Him: I'm going to be a fry cook when I grow up.

Me: I thought you wanted to make newspapers.

Him: Yes, but I do like meat a lot.

************************************************************************************
Yesterday him and CJ arrived home from school and he tried to tell on her for saying a bad word.

CJ: I didn't say that. I said chizz, and I said that because you didn't stop when I told you to. You about got hit by a car.

Him: Trivial. That is all trivial (points finger in the air) At school we learned that means unimportant.

CJ: It is not unimportant...

Him: Trivial, trivial... your opinion on this is trivial.

And for the rest of the night everything that anyone said that he didn't like he'd wave at them dismissively and declare their opinion trivial.

Organization Tips for Autism and ADHD

2011-09-14T16:22:00.000-05:00

In my previous post I talked about some of my issues with getting organized. I have some tips, as wells as the rough diagram of my to-do list I've been using for awhile.

First, let's talk a little bit about why someone might have issues with being organized. Executive Functioning is a term that is defined by the ability to organize information and stimuli, while regulating one's own emotions, and thoughts, as well as prioritizing what needs attention. That's a very basic definition, anyway. Executive functioning is impaired/different in people with neurological disorders, such as Autism Spectrum Disorder and ADHD. In my family, all 5 of us have an issue with one of these two conditions. While the reasons why I struggle to be organized differs from my husband's (who has ADHD) the results often look the same. The only difference is that I can figure a way out of it, where I honestly don't think he'll ever have the skills, as well as he really doesn't care if things are messy, disorganized and off schedule. I care a great deal.  My basic to do list is divided in 4 quarters:

DAILY TASKS :

In the upper hand corner here I have my daily tasks. These things generally need done everyday, like dishes, laundry, exercise ect... If you find you don't have to do the task that day, then cross it out. These are your basic tasks. These are in the Have To Do category.

NEED TO GET DONE:

On the right side I have things I Need done that aren't daily activities.Such as, important phone calls, errands, appointments. Also, other things that are weekly like washing sheets.

   PROJECTS:

On the lower left hand side is where I put tasks and projects that are more long term, so that I still have them in my mind and can plan on moving them to my Need list. I also put stuff that I want to get done, but may not have a chance. I try to resist the urge to clutter up the Need area with things that aren't urgent. Prioritizing is key. If I can just get my daily tasks and Need tasks done, then I feel I've accomplished enough.

                                                                                                                                              NOTES:

On the lower right hand side is where I put daily reminders, and messages. I even keep phone messages here. This reduces clutter by using one sheet of paper for everything. At the end of the day, I put any important info or phone messages in my notebook, or wherever it may need to go. The list goes in the trash.

Tips for Helping Young Children get Organized:

Help them sort their belongings into categories, ie trucks and cars in one pile, stationary and pens in another.
Teach them good prioritizing habits. Help them make good choices about letting some other child have a chance to play with their old toys that they don't play with by donating or putting in a garage sale. Less is more when you have issues controlling clutter.
Once you have divided into piles and sorted the keeps and the give aways, decide on a home for said items. For my daughter I took masking tape and labeled her drawers and bins with the contents that went inside. I put it on the outside at first, then faded it to being labeled only on the inside of the areas as she got older. (It just looks nicer that way)
Once you've done all the work and it's picked up and organized discuss with your child about a designated day of the week that will be for big cleaning. That day will now be cleaning room day. If they're old enough have them learn to dust and vacuum their own room.
Every evening set a timer for 10 minutes and have them pick up toys and other belongings. This keeps the mess minimal so there's not an overwhelming heap of stuff to organize come cleaning day.
For really young kids, or ASD kids that might need extra help, you might have to stand there and tell them what categories to pick up for #1. For my son, I even had to go by color to keep him engaged, like telling him to pick up the red legos, then the blue ones. It's time consuming, but necessary to help them build their own independent skills.

Make charts to keep track of chores and other things (like good behaviors). Decide how to reward and for how much. My daughter gets 20 cents a star (averaging $6-$10 a week depending). My son doesn't care much about money so he gets to stay up late, watching tv and sleep on the couch for every 10 stars he earns.

To-do Lists Revisited

2011-09-14T14:25:00.000-05:00

In some previous posts I have spoken about not taking a to-do list too seriously. I am trying to find the happy medium that lies between rigid schedules that leave no room for flexibility, and being human... and the other end, which leaves me feeling like anxious and irritable at the end of the day due to a messy house, tasks not getting done, or getting done last minute out of necessity.

I've tried many methods to organize my time and get things done. When I was a teenager I used to use a notebook with a daily agenda grouped into categories of things to do. Many of these things were daily activities that most would never forget to do. It's not that I would forget, necessarily. It's more along the lines that I would feel overwhelmed at the prospect of things to do, not know where to begin, and then not do it. If I list out the tasks I feel in control of a visual cue that I can now use as a tool to organize my thoughts, and put myself into action.

As I got older, I have tried many different strategies, but many have looked similar to the one I devised as a teen. The latest one that I have been using for a couple years (and need to get back to) is one that I have a master copy of, and I print 30 or so sheets at a time. I'll see if I can type up a rough visual of it in the next post, as well as some tips for keeping organized with ADHD and ASD.

I guess my biggest issue is that I struggle with keeping up with doing what I know works. It's like the previous post where I discussed slip sliding back into bad habits, and ineffective ways of coping. I know that I am happier when I am on schedule, but sometimes I can't get myself to get moving. I need to keep myself involved and committed. I know the results I want, and now I need to put in the effort to achieve them.

So, for today... I am going to write out my schedule, since it has changed since the kids have gone back to school. I don't handle routine changes well, so that might be part of my 'I don't know what to do' feeling. That's why I get so upset when my routine changes. I can't automatically reroute a new schedule in my head. I wish my brain saw the big picture, and could easily do that, but it can't. I am always swallowed up by details to a point of being frozen, which is how I've been feeling. Analyzing to the point of paralyzing. After writing out my schedule I am going to make a few new rules about how I spend my time and stick to it, hopefully.

The Resurfacing Of Old Habits

2011-09-13T11:36:00.000-05:00

Ive done a lot of writing here in this new blog about changing my negative habits into more positive actions. Things like that are hard to start, hard to keep going and even more difficult to keep at it long term. I'm finding myself slip sliding back into some of the old habits that I had let go of.

Before I started this blog I spent a lot of time on internet forums, and most particularly in in 2 groups that I started on a social networking site that were very active. It is no surprise that I ran into lots of people that had very different opinions than the ones I had, even the group that was for autistic people only. We didn't always hold the same viewpoints on issues. The thing was, is that I would get upset and worked up when someone said something that I found to be inconsistent with how I perceived the world. To me, it felt like they were invalidating me, as a person by telling me that what I know and how I feel was wrong. After embarking on my journey of Mindfulness and meditation this feeling faded to almost nothing. I gained self awareness and in turn awareness of how others can see the same thing as I do and come away with a different interpretation of it. I saw shades of gray where there weren't any before. I also saw how much time I spent thinking about and being involved in negative patterns. I realized that this only contributed to me depression and if I were to ever feel positive, I had to stop looking for what was wrong and search for what was right. My husband called this 'looking for what or who is slighting Quiet C.' thinking. Now, don't get me wrong, growing up in a world that is not made for someone on the spectrum had it's challenges. I plan on doing a blog entry about that, to help parents understand why their kids fight so much with their siblings and pull the 'not fair!' card so often. In short, the world isn't fair to us, and everyday it IS a struggle to be in it, as the odds are often stacked against us. But, I carried this attitude with me like 100 pound bags of heavy emotional baggage. It was always there weighing me down. It was negative and attracting negative things and people. I felt emotionally worked up all the time. I engaged in endless debates with others, instead of using my time to promote something that would make my life better, or even someone else's. I wanted to correct ignorance. I knew that if I showed them enough evidence that other's would have to see it my way. It was just a waste of time. Hours spent typing, all while growing more irritable about the injustices of the world. I didn't realize that the more I focused on that the worse I'd feel. I took other people's opinions way too seriously, and I'm starting to see myself do that again.

I have spent much of the last 4 days in a hot debate with others about a subject that we're never going to agree on, and that is not positive. I have sacrificed my very precious little time that I have outside of caring for my kids arguing. Housework has gone undone, and exercise has been cut in half. This is not the person I want to be, or filling the goals that I have for myself. I want to be someone who stands up for what I think in a positive way, not finding drama in everyone else's opinion and making it be about me personally. I want to raise positive aspects of autism, with things like using this blog and some other presentations I've put together and helped with.

There's a lot wrong in this world and if you look for the bad things in it, you'll never be short on things to complain about, or get upset over. I'm passionate and want to make a difference in the lives of others, and I know I can't do that if I spend everyday fuming over injustices. I have to be the change I want to see in the world, so with that... I am back on track, hopefully. I choose to use my energy to promote positive endeavors and ideas, instead of fighting against negative ones.

Use Your Words

2011-09-08T22:20:00.000-05:00

There's this phenomenon that happens to me sometimes when I'm talking to someone. It's a source of great frustration. It occurs at different times. There's more than one type, but the end result it always non-communication.

For example, I might have something that happened to me that I'm excited to talk about,or something I read. (Yes, I get super excited to share things I read about with others. :) ) I wait all day for my husband to come home so I can tell him. He comes in and starts talking about his day. He goes on and on... totally not following my script of what I envisioned. I begin to try to reroute the words to fit the new criteria. I can't. The words get stuck. They won't come out. They swim around inside my head in circles not making sense. I feel so frustrated that I want to cry, and sometimes I do. I have to wait until later to tell him what I wanted to, because at that moment I am way too overwhelmed.

Another scenario is when I am in a group of people having a conversation. My brain can't seem to process their words fast enough to keep up with the conversation. I have words that I'd like to add to the conversation. I have opinions that I can vaguely make out inside my head with fuzzy pictures and fluttering words. I just can't get them out fast enough. This also happens when I get overwhelmed by sensory or emotion. I feel like a computer running on too little RAM. I can type, but feel overwhelmed with the prospect of verbalizing what I want to say. Sometimes, I will repeat the same thing over and over. Others, I will give a quick short answer that may not be my true thoughts, but rather what I think will get you to leave me alone, because my real explanation would take too many words and right at that moment, each word verbalized is painful.

The frustration that this causes immense. I have to wonder if this is how my nonverbal son feels all the time? Does he have these elaborate thoughts, or even simple wants and needs that he desperately wants to share with others, but can't? When I get this way I find it so isolating. I feel like I can't connect with others, because there is this wall of miscommunication between us. Does he feel this way all the time? Does he feel this way sometimes? Does he feel lonely? I know that I do at times when I can't share my thoughts.

So, when you ask an autistic child to 'use their words' as is so common, please, please remember that they're probably trying their best. They're already frustrated about it and aren't not using their words just to be lazy or get out of putting in effort.

Finding Option B

2011-09-05T10:28:00.000-05:00

For as long as I could remember I have always felt that I had to hide my social inadequacies away. The burning shame I felt when (and still do to be honest) when I stop and think about my social blunders and shortcoming is overwhelming. I felt that I could not ever let anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing. That I'm just following a script and hanging on for dear life to get through a conversation. I think to some extent everyone who has anxiety, or is shy feels this way. I felt deep down inside that this social awkwardness meant that I was less than other people. That I was defective.

By the time I got to be about 11 years old I noticed the social differences that I had. I began trying to fix them as best I could. Sometimes, other girls might take me in and give me some pointers on how to be more cool. I began to obsess. My special interest during the years of 11-15 were all about trying to not be a freak. I made sure my appearance fit the bill. That was almost easy. The small talk with peers and all that goes with it... not so easy. I was never the type to talk too much, or be inappropriate. Unlike some aspies, I just don;t talk at all in groups. I rarely can keep up with the small talk that's swirling around me. The topic changes and moves in a rhythm that I can't keep up with.I literally have nothing to say. By the time I was 15 the toll had been taken and anxiety and depression set in. I could no longer keep up in a world that was not made for me. The mask slipped and I was there exposed as an alien to this world. It was around this time that I began to collect Chinese dolls with their faces painted, as well as the masks. I think it was a symbolic gesture of how I really felt.

The social issues didn't get any better as I grew older. As an adult, I have had very few friends (not counting internet friends), and almost none that were what I'd call a good friend. It seems to be much harder as an adult to socialize. I have really no friends right now, and have not had any for probably 6 yrs. The difference now is in how I view my social isolation.

When I was younger I thought that I wanted to be a part of the crowd. I thought that I must like what everyone else does, and that I just didn't know it. I thought that if I just tried harder I would be like them. I thought there was no option B. There was only be like them-option A. When I couldn't self pity and anger set in deeper and deeper with every passing year. I felt ashamed and embarrassed of my differences. I felt angry at the extroverted ladies that seemed to be better than me in everything- of course this was not reality, but it was my thoughts at the time. I felt that I'd never be anyone's favorite. If they were given a choice of who to be with, I'd never be at the top of anyone's list. I was destined to be the 'back up friend'. The back up friend is the person you call to hang out with last minute, because all of your other friends already had plans and you can't go out alone. They are always your last choice, but you keep them around for convenience. Most typical people have back up friends to some extent or other, especially younger people.

Then I came upon option B. If I couldn't change the situation, then I had to change the way I looked at it. I began really listening to other ladies talk to each other when I was out in public. I noticed what they did and how they acted. I realized that I'd be bored to death and not at all on the same wave-length as most of them. Their conversations were not anything I'd like to talk about. Their outings were not to places I like to frequent. I could tell they shared to share and not really to get real feedback. I could never do that. I talk to share information, and never ever to connect with someone in some sort of empathetic bond of emotions. I realized that the thing that I'd been chasing after all my life was something that I didn't want anyway. It was not what I thought it would be, nor was it all there was. I realized that there was an option B, which was I could be happy and content doing my own thing by myself. I have a husband who I actually do think I'm his Favorite! I have a family to love and take care of and that's all I really need. I am happier sitting alone in the park on my laptop or with a book than with a friend and that is okay. I am okay as I am without needing everyone else to validate my existence, or my experience.

Dreams

2011-09-02T19:55:00.002-05:00

I awoke this morning with a dream stuck in my head that I knew meant something important. No, I don't mean in a psychic prediction sort of way. I don't believe in that sort of stuff. I mean in a subconscious, psychological, symbolic sort of way.

Dreams have long been of fascination to me. I believe they contain a lot of stuff that we have going on behind the scenes. Our thoughts and emotions are woven intricately into stories of faraway places, as well as the mundane. They represent the ideas, hopes dreams, as well as our deepest fears, and forgotten memories. I have studied dream symbols and dictionaries, and kept dream journals for many years. Not to brag, but I am quite good at deciphering the meaning of mine and other people's dreams and helping others to find direction with what their subconscious is telling them.

In last night's dream I was at a place where they teach people to canoe. All the participants were couples, so I was waiting my turn for instruction with my husband. What was odd about this place was that typically one goes out to a lake for to canoe, but this was at an ocean. I felt confused and and intimidated by going the task ahead of me. I started searching for new clothes to wear and was trying on different outfits. (This is a common theme in my dream) The instructor told me that it wouldn't matter what I wore, because being in the canoe was all I had to worry about. So, then I protested that I can't do it, because I can't swim. She told me that no one ever falls out of the canoe. The most important thing about learning to canoe is doing it. She said she guaranteed 100% that I would not drown. I awoke when my husband and I got in and began paddling away into the rushing waves.

According to dream dictionaries a canoe means that one is headed for peace and serenity, as well as emotional balance. It's a sign of independence and emotional balance. It's also about being able to go on with determination. I feel like this is symbolic of the place that I have come to emotionally through trials and hard work with my husband. My journey through a harrowing depression has been hard, but I do feel that I have found a place of peace to rest in with my new found use of mindfulness and meditation.

The changing of the clothes is also a telling reoccurring symbol for me. Clothing represents our public self in dreams. It is who we try to be for the rest of the world. They are our image. In my old dreams about clothes, I am usually changing into clothes for an important event where there will be lots of people, but none will work. They are always too small, mismatched, under dressy, or over dressy. One shoe is lost, or doesn't fit. In this dream, my clothes fit, but I was not sure which to wear. This suggests that my image or role is changing, and I'm, trying to adapt to keep up. The answer the teacher (my wise mind) gave me was spot on. It doesn't matter how you show up to meet the challenge, just as long as you show up. All of my anxiety over how I look and weather I measure up to others doesn't matter.I can feel inadequate, but I don't have to give in and sabotage my efforts with my feelings. I think the lesson is finally sinking in.

The ocean in my dream has much the same meaning as the canoe. It's a symbol of refreshment and unhindered courage. I am feeling empowered and positive. The waters were a bit rough in my dream, but I felt prepared.

All in all, I feel this was a positive dream about equilibrium that I have recently found this last year. I feel that it is a positive sign that the practice of mindfulness and compassion has begun to change my perspective for the better. My anxiety is no long in the driver's seat and with that I have new purpose.

Compassion > Judgment = True Inclusion

2011-08-31T08:38:00.001-05:00

This morning I came across a blog post by a mother of two special needs kids about a site called Too Big. (I'm not gonna link the site, because I'm not wanting to drive traffic to it. Nor, do I care to even look at it.) The blog post is called Tides We Shouldn't Have To Swim Against . In it the author, Julia Roberts, talks about how a site like Too Big helps spread the biased, discriminatory attitude that any of us with disabilities ourselves, or have children with disabilities/special needs face everyday.

Basically, from what I've gathered, the site is composed of pictures of kids with their faces somewhat covered that are in strollers that are beyond the typical size most kids would require one. I already don't see how that is so funny, even if the kids don't have special needs. What's even more, the idiots that make the site actually think it's worthwhile enough to make fun of little kids that they pay to put up a website to do it. That's what caliber of people we're dealing with here. I don't expect to make them understand somehow that what they're doing is not okay, and harmful. When someone is that awful on the inside it would take much, much more than me and a few others complaining to get them to see, or care how they're affecting others. I'm not sure that anything could get someone that is that much of a bully to change. I just hope that by saying something to others that may visit the site, or another like it at some point, we might put that little bit of knowledge in their head of the other side of what they're looking at. That there may be more than meets the eye when you encounter something that seems out of the ordinary. Maybe, instead of laughing and staring one ought to have a bit of compassion. One of my favorite sayings is that 'you can't know everything about everybody.' Meaning, that everyone has their own life, their own struggle, their own story, their own pain, their own private life and this affects how they behave and come across to others. I find that it's best to always try to practice compassion when we encounter behavior or people we don't understand, because we can't always know the other side of the story. It's when we look through the eyes of compassion that we can truly see the other person as they are, not who we think they are, or what attachment of ourselves we're putting onto them. That's all our judgement is, anyway. It's a biased belief we hold as a result of our perception of what we think we see, or don't see.

I hope that the Too Big site disappears soon due to lack of interest on the public's part. I know that I have gotten the ugly looks when my son was younger and I still used a stroller. It wasn't because he was unable to walk. Much to the opposite, as he would run and was impossible to keep by my side at any given moment. Add that to the fact that my older son was also a runner, I had to employ methods to keep them both safe. Since, Beans was unable to even so much as acknowledge when he was being spoken to, much less follow directions, or hold my hand, I chose to use a stroller until he was about 5. Then, I used a harness for about a year, which also garnered it's fair share of attention. One thing I was adamant about was that I was not going to let others make me or my children feel inadequate. I never once flinched in the adversity of stares, or kept Beans at home unless I thought he would be uncomfortable with where we were going. He has every right to be out in public. So, special needs parents everywhere... hold your head high and do what is best for your family even when it may not always be the most popular, or comfortable. Inclusion means everyone.

Back to school with Autism tips:

2011-08-21T18:04:00.000-05:00

It's that time of year again. We've fought the madness of the school supply isle of the local store, bags are packed, new school clothes are washed...Ready for a new school year to begin.

If you have kids with special needs there may be a few more things to do. I have a few tips for parents that may be new to the special ed system and are looking to make their child's transition back to school as smooth as possible.

1. Make an info sheet about your child for the school staff.

I used to e-mail this list to my son's teacher, but after getting the feeling that they sped read it once then deleted it, I decided that this year I'd print one out and give one to everyone who will be working with my son. This sheet should include the following info:
* Your phone number and e-mail
* What your child likes to do, hobbies, ect.. (this helps to identify them as individuals, not just another student)
*What your child's strengths and skills are
*What special needs your child might have and how to identify their needs ie; I list the signs of my son when he's about to go into meltdown, or is already in one.
*List the proper protocol for dealing with problem behaviors and other issues that may come up. For my son, I list all the things that will calm him when he gets upset and how I expect them to remain respectful of him, because he can't help some of these things.

2. Make a very short info sheet for substitutes:
I always get the feeling that subs are not informed of IEPs and special needs that need to be attended to in the general ed classroom. So this year I have decided to make a very brief sheet with my son's picture at the top of it stating his name and that he has autism, and a few things to be aware of . Brief and to the point. The list of things to be aware of should only be 5 or 6 bullet points. Just something to give the sub a heads up that your child has special needs.

3. Put together an info packet for the new teacher:
Sometimes, I will put together a folder of info for a new teacher about autism. There are some teachers that want to know more about autism and I will give them a folder full of useful info. There are some that you can tell don't care and don't want to know. How much info to share is really dependent on the teacher's attitude. If the teacher is not very willing to learn very much of anything about your child's disability, then you are best suited to fill the folder with as little information that is pertinent, and to the point as possible. This increases the chances that they'll at least look at it.

Do you have any tips to share?

Sense of Self:Part 3

2011-08-19T15:51:00.001-05:00

This is a continuation of the Sense of Self posts that I have been written so far. I'm not sure where to go with it, or what direction I'm heading. This topic is so general and almost infinite it and of itself I feel that I could type forever and never get to a point... so I'm just gonna dive back in and start going where ever my mind takes me.

I have noticed a radical change in my 'self' as I have began meditating. It has been something of a treasure that was always there, but I have fully captured the essence of it now. I knew that this place of mind where I could openly feel without trepidation existed, but it didn't always feel available to me. I could catch glimpses of it out of the corner of eye and feel it at my fingertips... It seemed mostly out of reach, until recently.

But first, what is 'self'. This seems to be such a big question that many have asked and answered. When asked most NT (neurotypical) people will begin to describe their social roles, ie; 'I'm a mother, a teacher, a wife...'. I'm not engaging in bigotry, or saying that they're wrong to do this. I'm just pointing out what most say and do, so please hold off the PC squad on this one. This answer never seemed to make sense to me.It didn't make much sense with the Asperger ladies that I have discussed this topic with, either. I am a mother, and I like what I do for an occupation (if you can call it that) and I love being married to my husband, but is me? Is it what defines me? I have to say no. No, it isn't because I existed before my husband, my children, my career. I was me before they were around and if they were all to disappear tomorrow, I'll still be me. So, if 'me' isn't that, then, what is it? That was the question that I set to find out. That was part of the reason I ended up on the path to Buddhism and Mindfulness. I needed an alternate explanation to the riddle 'what is self?'

First, before I could move onto defining myself in any way I had to learn self awareness. This was a feat for this aspie. I had to know what I was feeling, and when. I had to identify my emotions and my wants and needs. I had to learn about me, then let go of me. I learn to recognize the little twinges of desire and the small nags of irritation. Where I carried my anger, where I felt my sadness, where I stored my breath in anxiety. This was all parts of me. Parts that I didn't know existed within me in such subtle forms. This journey of self discovery was overwhelming, but exhilarating.

Once, I could label my emotions and what they meant to me I could now begin to learn to let them go. My awareness now moved to time. Nothing is permanent. This moment is no more important than any of yesterday or tomorrow. What meaning I attach to it is one that is arbitrary. One that is made up and only experienced by me. Don't believe me? Think of a time where life was difficult. When you look back things don't seem so bad, do they? You may even have thought that you'll never feel better, or different, but you did.You have. While there is no doubt that we can and do suffer as humans, it's the attachments that we tack onto these emotions that we struggle with.

I feel that my self, me is defined by what I do,what I say what I am in every moment. It's never static. It's the choices I make that make me in this moment. My values and goals and how I choose to fit them into my life, is me. Every moment of everyday, I get to choose who I want to me to be. How I respond to stranger at the store, or my naughty child, or frustrated husband. My actions at that given moment define me. I'd like to think that I am a kind, generous, supportive, person, among other qualities. Before, I react to another person, or speak/act at all, I try to pause and ask myself if the person that I want to be is supported and defined by what I'm about to do. If I say no, that wouldn't be kind, generous, supportive, ect... then I have the option of behaving in a different way. One in which the me that I want to be is who that I am.

Things you wish adults knew when you were a child. The following are direct quotes from many adult autistics.

2011-08-18T11:47:00.000-05:00

Now that it's time for school to begin I thought that I'd share a document that I put together a couple years ago about things that adult autistics say they wished their parents knew when they were children. I always print and share this with my boys' teachers and principls. They say that it's helpful in understanding them. Please, feel free to copy and share this where ever it may be useful. I'm not a computer wiz, so I was unable to convert the Rich Format to HTML code on blogger, so this is in plain text. The original document (WHICH CAN BE FOUND HERE IN PDF) is much nicer and easier to read. You can also ask me and I'll send you a copy via e-mail if you'd like. I had a lot of fun collecting all these tips from my fellow spectrum friends on WP, FB, and other places. Many of us are more than willing to share and help when asked.

Things you wish adults knew when you were a child.
The following are direct quotes from many adult autistics.

"When your kid forgets to do something they said they would do--they really did forget! I still do. Smile

My dad always urged me to "buckle down". Neither of us knew at the time that my "buckle" was broken, and although I had the best intentions, I didn't know how. I wish I had had specific, detailed, step-by-step directions on how to get those things done that I didn't know how to even start.

Don't expect your kid to infer anything. Just tell them. They are not ignoring your wishes or your needs. They just don't get it. Tell them and be specific. Tell them when they are doing it right, and if they aren't, calmly point out what needs to change. And if they overreact to that, just let them. In the years to come they will pick up some moderation. (Some.) It's not personal."

"Im still very forgetful, AND I don;t clue in to non verbal cues, so whoever thinks Im a "creep" because I dont clue in, they should do some research first before jumping to that conclusion.They would find that I would do as they have wanted if they clearly spelled it out for me verbally."

"Don't assume that just because I'm not looking at you that I'm not paying attention. I often will concentrate on what you're saying better when I'm looking away from you.

P.E, was torture for me. I am not coordinated, nor will I ever be. Some of my worst memories come from P.E. class. It really hurts a child's self-esteem to always be the last one picked for teams. There has to be another alternative rather than to put ASD kids through that."

"Always be positive!
Treat them just like any other child- they just want to be normal.
Give them special one on one attention. I thrive for that!

Dont hold them back- it keeps them from their full potiental. They can susprise you."

"I would always draw or play with the stuff in my desk or something during class, but I still heard what the teacher said. If I tried to just listen and sit still, I would drift off and start thinking about other things, because it was not stimulating enough to just listen.

Also, sometimes if I didn't have a sufficient explanation for why I should do something, I would refuse to do it. So I think I would have done a lot better in school if the teachers had explained a lot more, because they often didn't have good reasons.

And I think something else that would be nice is if teachers would sometimes tell awkward kids what they might do to not get teased as much. I don't know, maybe they're not allowed to do that for some weird reason, but I think it would be nice, since they're the ones who see the teasing happening."

"Don't attempt to make me look at the teacher when I am trying to pay attention. I can do one of them.

Don't make "choose a partner/team" group work mandatory this does not only refer to PE. It is horrible if everyone finds a partner immediately and I stand there and everyone does not want me.

The noise during recess was far more stressfull than the classes. I had to calm down from recess in class."

"
I don't always know what I'm doing is impolite, and I can't always control it (ie. laughing at inappropriate times).

Sometimes I don't speak because I REALLY don't know how to answer the question, and the MORE you try to force me to answer, the more intimidated I get, and the less likely you'll get an answer.

I get into a lot of trouble for defending myself in fights started by someone else, because I'm not as verbally skilled, and can't talk myself out of trouble like others. Don't automatically assume I'm in the wrong just because I cannot come up with a convincing -story-.

I don't always know when I'm being impolite, I just say what's on my mind, please don't make a scene out of it, just explain to me my mistake in private.

Sometimes when made to talk to the entire class, make a presentation, or when told to share ideas with the class, I get nervous, I stumble over my words, and I can't think clearly, which is why I usually cut the speech short, it's not because I'm not participating, it's because I'm terrified I'll make a mistake, and get made fun of by the whole class. You questioning me in front of the entire class as to why I won't participate makes me feel like crap.

Please be direct in your speech, don't use metaphors or sarcasm when asking me to do something, 99 out of 100 times, I won't get what you're asking of me."

"So many things...

Not stopping doing what I was doing when I was told to stop doing it.

Doing the same thing over and over and over despite being told not to do it.

Not looking at people when I spoke to them.

Speaking to people in a way that they interpreted to be condescending / patronising.

Not being able to make out what the teacher was saying because there was too much background noise.

Doodling constantly during lessons.

Doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing because I had finished my work and was bored.

Doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing because I didn't find the work interesting.

Not understanding things because I didn't understand the way the teacher explained them.

Not understanding things (especially maths) because of thinking too deeply about it.

Not liking certain lessons because I didn't like / get on with the teacher.

Never reading any books (I seem to have a bit of an issue with reading and tire of it very quickly).

Not understanding what behaviour was appropriate for my age.

Not having a clue what people were going on about when they started fancying other people and all that.

Not realising that I needed to be proactive to make friends.

Team sports were always a problem for me.

Also dance and aerobics involving copying moves off others was and is still a major problem for me.

That said, I'm totally fine at certain sports, such as running (but not sprints), swimming, climbing, dance (making my own moves), javlin, discus, shotput, cycling and also going to the gym don't cause me any problems. I think the key with sports is to stick to what you're good at. "

"Don't talk down to me (when I was a child and people used that sing-song tone it made me cringe)
Don't assume I ought to know something-inform me politely
Don't assume because I don't approach you that I want to be alone (that's a tricky one-sometimes I do) I don't know how to ask to be a part of a group-I'm afraid of rejection and need to be asked.
Don't assume I'm lazy-I can't focus and trying makes me very tired
Explain to me what I did wrong socially without attacking me"

"
I remember when I got in trouble for something I'd get the stern "look at me when I'm talking to you!" and dread it.

Negative reinforcement only pissed me off. I still have a grudge against my grandfather and he passed away over a decade ago. The horrors I went through with him...

I had a horrible time in school to the point where I was scared to death to go back. At that age I had no idea what to say, so I just cried. If only they knew how emotionally damaged I was. My grandmother said she could never understand why I flipped out. My mother, on the other hand, picked up on it. I ended up moving in with her after that situation. I changed schools, but I still went through a lot of problems.

Being constantly nagged to do things never helped me want to do them. Asking kindly would have made a world of difference, but parents don't think they should have to do that. Plus, back then, we had no idea what Asperger's was. My mother just said I was eccentric.

I remember when I first heard the band Rush. I obsessed over them for months. My mom thought that was insane, but their music was so complex and intelligent that I couldn't stop listening. It would have been nice to have a diagnosis back then, cos so much emotional stress could have been avoided. I wouldn't have been yelled at for my obsessions and odd behaviors."

"Maybe true for all kids, but when a kid says there is nothing wrong, they are likely lying.

The only way to get a kid to tell you the truth is to become someone they feel they can trust. Only then MIGHT you find out what's going on inside of them."

"Even though my parents knew that I was on the spectrum, I wish that they didn't do these things:

Things would have gone a lot more smoothly, if they didn't spank me. The only thing that I've learned from those spankings, was that it was okay to hit and punch the bullies, when they picked on me, and called me "retarded". They never did that again, though.

I wish that they would have let me talk about my special interests, at least at home, instead of getting angry at me, for doing so, no matter how much I talked about them. I didn't talk to any of my peers in high school, because my mum said, "As soon as those kids find out what you like, they're going to bug you about it!" That's what led to all that posting about Routemasters at WP in 2006. I've kept that obsession a secret from everybody that I had social contact with, off-line. One member tried to make me his project, by training me not to post about them, so much. If he only knew what I had to go through, and the many headaches, colds and flues that I've endured, just by keeping my special interests to myself, for so many years, he wouldn't have done that. My parents wouldn't have done that, either.

I also hated that "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" by my father, who I didn't trust at all. If he knew that I didn't trust him, he wouldn't have forced that eye contact. He would have treated me in such a caring way, that would have made me feel that I could trusted him and felt at ease with him to begin with, and than I would have given him that eye contact.

Some people on the milder end of the autistic spectrum appear to speak with a foreign accent. Mine happens to be the London Cockney. My parents spiritually abused me the entire summer that I was 12, by telling me not to speak with a nasal sounding voice. The following spring, I've told my mum, brimming with pride, that I have a bit of a Cockney accent. She said, "We can fix that." She changed her tune in a hurry, after most of my teachers wrote that I won't speak to my regular classmates, on my first high school report card. She asked, "Did anybody say anything about the way that you speak?" I said, "Yes...both you and dad did, two years ago." She said that she was sorry that she caused me so much pain. I've started talk to my mum and dad nonstop, again."

"it would have been really nice if:

my mother accepted that I'm a literal thinker, instead of getting frustrated and criticizing me, as if I were choosing not to understand her vague instructions.

my mother encouraged me and gave me some praise for what I did right, instead of focusing on what I did wrong and going on and on about it.

schools made kids like I was safe, which probably means keeping us away from bullies. it wasn't so much of a problem in grade school, but it got worse and worse as I got older until I just quit going to school.

schools provided behavioral classrooms as a matter of course, to assist kids who need coaching in personal hygiene and social skills."

"Don't sit me by the loudest kid in the class.

There was a boy in my class that must've had ADHD (severely) and he was always making noise, and touching people, and running into them. Those three things are probably at the top of my list of worst sensory issues. It seems that the teacher always sat me by him. My grades went down, because I couldn't concentrate, and my anxiety skyrocketed. It got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night, because I was so afraid of having to deal with this kid at school. He knew that touching me bothered me a lot, so he did it even more, because it was fun to him see me have a meltdown. I don't see how the teacher didn't notice all of this. I've seen this happen with my 7 yo son, too. I don't understand why the teacher can't make more of an effort to keep these kinds of boys as separate as possible from my son.

Oh, and it never even once occurred to me to ask for help with this issue. Sometimes, you have to pay attention to what 's going on with ASD kids, because they won't think to tell you about their problems. If someone would've thought to ask me, I'd probably have told them how much it was bothering me, if I could find the words, and felt comfortable talking to the person."

"Even when an autistic child is comfortable about telling something, it may still be impossible to ask the child about certain things. Often these things are information, skills or feelings the child experienced or learnt in another situation or another environment (school, home, kindergarten, club).

It is perfectly possible that if a teacher asks an autistic child about home it does not seem able to tell any or correct information. It is also possible that a child wants to tell something about school to his or her parents but simply cannot.

I'd also add in specific:

An autistic child may be perfectly able to do something in one situation and/or environment, but truly unable to perform the same skill in a different situation/environment. That everything from knowledge to learnt skills are only available to the child in certain situation is a difficulty that can come with autism."

"I wish that my teachers had realised that having hundreds of kids sitting in grouped tables, chatting away and having to cooperate was overwhelming for me. I'm willing to bet that some of my relatives (had they been young children during the 90s) would've had trouble coping with this set up too. Back in the old days it was single rows of silent desks. Back then, socialising was strictly a recreational activity.

I wish they could've realised how the school environment made it difficult for me to learn.

I wish they could have realised that my strengths (observing, analysing and recording the physical environment) were not being put to best use.

I wish that they could've realised that I was a caring person who feels deep emotions, but was socially clueless, so inadvertently offended people. I can read some facial expressions, so I wish they could've realised that I was not a completely "cold" asocial "monster".

I wish they could've realised that my out-of-sync movements during PE and dancing were not willful: I genuinely couldn't sync up with the other kids. I also felt an insatiable urge to do my own thing and develop my own style.

I wish they could've realised that I wanted to join in.
Actually, I wanted to join in and lead the activity in my own style and wanted to teach the other kids things without them telling me to "Shut up".

I genuinely wanted to be friendly and not upset people.
In fact, I was very concerned and felt very upset when I had inadvertently upset others."

"The whole choose a group or partner for a group activity was the worst.

Bullies are also a horrendous problem and a zero tolerance policy needs to be in place to deal with them. I remember being told everything I shouldn't provoke them (I didn't) to I need to stand up for myself (kinda hard when I was barely chest height). Teachers need to realize that yes some bullies have problems at home or something and act out by hurting other kids, some however are just sociopaths. There are no differences to work out (I've also been told to work out differences with bullies, seriously how stupid are some teachers) some bullies just like hurting other people and aspie or autistic kids make excellent victims for them. (I have very strong feelings about bullies)

I had one class where the teacher played music in the background, while the music was nice it was rather distracting. That might just be me though.

I actually calm down by moving, walking/pacing in particular. Trying to hold still just makes me agitated.

Just because it might take me a while to form the right words to answer a question doesn't mean I don't know the answer, or if I'm in trouble for something, that I'm lying or making a story up. I'm still working on ordering my thoughts so I can communicate properly. (I have a vague memory of being told something along the lines, don't sit there making something up, just answer the question) "

"This is a tip that goes for me:

If you are explaining something to me then ask, 'do you understand?' don't assume that my answer 'yes' means I DO understand. My hearing can only pick up certain words of speech (auditory discrimination issues) so my mind puts two and two together to get 3 most of the time! If necessary, write the thing down. This way it may be more comprehendable. Hope that helps!"

"That strong staff leadership and a sincere inclusive ethos can make all the difference.

That clear rules and guidelines can help a person know "where they stand" and what to expect.

That inconsistencies and "rules" that aren't spelled out clearly are confusing."

"That when I repeatedly said, yelled, and pleaded for them to leave me alone, that they did so instead of continuing to yell at me through my closed door. They caused so many meltdowns, rages, etc. that way. That's often an aspie's only way of expressing that they're becoming overwhelmed. It's a last-ditch effort to avoid losing control. If parents don't recognize and respect this, they will be largely responsible for the resulting "bad behavior". Parents of people with Asperger's need to learn when to back off and allow them to calm down.

People with autism frequently respond with more basic emotions than other people. Harsh tone of voice or a demanding attitude will often result in a heavily defensive response. If you want your message to be received, and to not result in the opposite effect, it is important to remain calm and polite. Whereas a non-autistic person may take a harsh tone to indicate you mean business, an autistic person generally interprets it as an attack and responds as such. This can result in an argumentative or hostile response.

People with autism frequently need to mentally prepare themselves before doing something, and also frequently have a poor concept of time. A timetable of "Now" causes stress, frustration, and anger. It is far better to give them a few minutes' warning and / or early reminders to allow them to prepare and be ready."

"The one that stands out is I wish my parents knew that just because I asked unusual questions about sex at a really young age didn't mean that they should panic and ban me from reading encyclopedias. "

"As a child, I always wished that the people who said, "You know you can always talk to me," understood that just because I didn't talk to them, didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to them. I couldn't. I had (and still have) problems organizing my thoughts and getting them out. Just be patient and I will do my best.

This one is especially for the teachers: when asked about my emotional state and I say, "I don't know," I really don't know. It's almost impossible for me to know what the heck I'm feeling and it is nearly impossible to articulate it.

Usually when I lose it, I'm blamed for my destructive behavior and never allowed to explain myself--even if I could. And never let your child feel guilty for something that was not their fault, nor let your child feel guilty for what they do not understand because that guilt will stay with them forever.

Also, most Aspies tend to have a long memory. My first memory is being in a crib and crying for someone to come to me. And then I heard my mother's voice saying, "Shut up!" To this day, I can't get over that. "

"I wish my parents knew that stimming is natural and important to me; that I need to do it."

"I recently made a list of things for my son's teacher that I wish my teachers had known. I got so tired of being told not to be a tattletale about things that were CLEARLY wrong, and I stopped and shut down with talking to my teachers altogether. "

" if I put my hands over my ears when you start whistling a song to yourself, or you want me to sing a song with you, or anything of the sort, know that maybe I just *can't* do it. It's possible that the whistling actually hurts, or that the extra auditory input of the sound is just too much. And quit tapping your pencil on the table if you want me to a) be sane and b) focus on anything else!"

"to consider face blindness and keep a 'signature' about themselves so they can be recognised and to use gesture and objects where possible and speak in bullet points."

"In a tense or stressful situation I may start to shut down. This often means I don't know how to handle or process all of the stimulus around me. Help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel and understand how I can be involved in the event."

"As a school child my world was hard enough and then I entered that huge empty echoing place, with so much noise I could not hear, I could not focus and impossible to read a blackboard if I you dare look, because if I did look up, someone laughed, made fun, yet more abusive. At times so unbearable, but no place to hide I had no choice but to endure. What the other children enjoyed and talked about, made me feel more of an alien.."

"I wish that teachers knew that I needed extra guidance. I was pretty much dropped off at school at 5 years old and expected to 'figure it all out'. That might work for some kids, but it just made the world a chaotic place for me for a few years there. In fact, what should have been done, was indeed done later when I was 9 years old... I went to a new school and one student there was asked to show me around and let me know how things worked, and where everything was. The difference that this made was like night and day. I thoroughly enjoyed my time at the new school, and excelled as a student as well.

I had a hard time making sense of the big picture as a child. I could figure out what was expected of me from moment to moment, with a little effort, but understanding how each part of my day made sense on a daily or weekly basis was impossible. A kind of tunnel vision with regard to my own life. A very narrow understanding. Experts tend to say that Asperger's children need structure, maybe these sort of difficulties are the reason.

I also wish that my parents knew that I needed personal, private time (grew up in a large family), and that noise was something I was extremely sensitive to. The home life that I had growing up was a pressure-cooker environment that made me a more anxious adult, I think."

"I wanted to have things set, and to stay the same. I did not like too much variation, fortunately perhaps in my childhood there wasn't much. Things are different today. When i was working as a teacher aide, my supervisor told me of an aspie boy who she had been helping. Technology classes at that school were taught in 'blocks' of ten lessons, then they were moved onto a new subject. For the first block, she took him into the room beforehand, introduced him to the teacher, who showed where everything was, told him what would happen, etc, he knew what to expect and the lessons went well. Unfortunately, she didn't think he would need the same when they moved on to the next block. He was so overwhelmed he spent the entire first lesson of the new subject sobbing in the corner of the classroom. Big lesson for her, and the other teachers."

"The biggest, please don't shout at me, if you do say sorry, please don't make me a spectacle, be kind to me, make me feel good about my differences not feel subnormal and less than human. Listen to me.

If just these things would have happened my younger life would have been less retched and less full of pain."

"I have difficulty answering this as I would say my difficulties emerged in my teens and further on.

I imagine (from the viewpoint of an older person) that an early diagnosis could have been helpful and I needed training not to take everything literally and to understand that authorities were just fellow human beings not enemies.

(Turning this around I suppose I wish teachers knew that I regarded them as enemies not because I was inherently nasty (although I confess I could behave that way to teachers) but because I felt they were trying to impinge on me by forcing useless information into me - I needed explanation as to why things were happening which was not of the "because I say so variety")

I failed to understand how teachers could make rules and then dislike people who told them other people were breaking the rules - did they or did they not want the rules kept, and were they or were they not responsible for enforcing them? I still find this one a bit puzzeling. I suppose nowadays they try and get buyinto rules by getting the students to work them out at the beginning of a year.

I think the most useful thing I could have been taught was not to take books literally - that I needed to prioritise what I could learn from life over what I could learn from books. I expected my life to play out like a novel and was constantly disappointed when it didn't.

I think aspie kids probably need to have time spent giving them details of different points of view."

"I wish that everyone wouldn't have made such a big deal about my eating habits. I still don't like most my food to touch, and I still eat only one item of food at a time on my plate. It's not worth hassling a kid over. I also have sensory issues with certain foods, mostly because of the way they smell."

I also wish that my parents would've taken my other sensory issues more seriously. If an autistic child is telling you that something is bothering them (that relates to one of the senses) take them seriously. Don't accuse them of being over-exaggerative."

Autistic Sense Of Self: Part 2 Pronouns and Consciousness

2011-08-15T17:20:00.000-05:00

As promised, another post in the continuation of The Autistic Sense of Self.

One thing that I have noticed with autistic children is that they often reverse pronouns and refer to themselves in third person. As a toddler, I called myself by my name often. My verbal son never used the words me, my, I, or mine until he was 4 in a half. He would say 'your turn!' when he meant 'my turn', or 'give it to you' when he meant 'give it to me' as well as call himself by his own name. I think the name came after he began straightening out the pronouns a bit. I'm not even sure that he recognized his name as him before then. (which may also explain why ASD kids don't respond to their name being called) You can read more about the new studies scientists are doing with FMRI and studying pronouns usage and sense of self in autistic brains HERE .

This also may explain some of the Theory of Mind that autistics struggle with, as well. If we don't recognize ourselves as distinguishable from our environments and other people it would be hard to understand that someone might feel different than us, or have feelings independent of our own thoughts.

I remember once when I was about maybe seven or eight I had a revelation dawn on me as I looked in the mirror. I remember it very clearly. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and looked into my own eyes and for the first time ever I realized that the person staring back at me was me. It's really hard to explain, but I'll try. I could see that behind my eyes was a consciousness. This sort of fluid stream of personhood that was Me. This was permanent. I searched the contours of my cheeks, the depth of my brown eyes, my tongue. These belonged to me. These were mine. The person I saw looking back at me was in essence me and was me in my past, right now in my present and will be me in the future. There existed a thought process of more than just a moment in time that I never knew before. I could hear my parents and my brother on the other side of the bathroom door. I realized that these people were attached to me in permanence, as well. They existed in my past, present and future as my family. There was a difference in this moment between dreaming and being awake. I suddenly understood time as a concept, as well as how it related to me. Before then, I seemed to exist on fragments of time and consciousness. The way a dream might feel, but now I was aware and awake.

It wasn't long after this incident that I began to understand that states of mind and emotions existed independently from my own. At first, I felt that everything had feelings. I worried obsessively about things like making sure that I played with all of my toys evenly, so they would not have hurt feelings. I didn't want to cause anything to feel as left out as I did at school. So, I began with my new found knowledge of time and ToM to become rigid in all that I did. I lined up toys so I could make sure they were treated equally. I worried about how trees and the earth felt. I began the extreme rigid behaviors that would fuel me for the next 20 some yrs with anxiety. I began my insistence on sameness in my routines and well as environments. Before then, it was more like my world was totally a sensory experience with a certain disconnect from one moment to another. My memory and thoughts were more a sensory oriented and less verbal or even visual.

To be continued...

Wandering ASD Kids and the Law

2011-08-13T15:03:00.001-05:00

There have been a few times where I have read a news article where I was left swearing at the computer due to the unfortunate, untimely, death of an autistic child due to the pure negligence of the caregiver. It's not always a popular stance to take, but sometimes the parents/caregivers are to blame, no matter how much they are suffering at the loss of their child. Usually, the child escapes, as ASD kids do, out the door or a window. In mere seconds the child is out of sight before the parent even has an idea they're missing. Add this in with an affinity to water, a brain that remembers the route to any nearby water with ease, you have a dangerous situation. I can say that my own sons have gotten out of our house a handful of times, prompting my door to look like one in inner city New York with several different locks, as well as a door alarm. Thankfully, Bubby has outgrown wandering, but Beans is still a constant elopement risk. All day and all night all five of my senses are alive and awake to any possible sounds of him being in danger. I know every noise in my house and what it is from rooms away. He's not just a wanderer, but also has pica, as well as likes to jump on furniture, and wrap all of the blind cords around his neck. There is not much to do around him that is not thought out for his safety. This isn't too paint a pitiful picture of my life. I don't feel that way, as he's my son and I do what I can to keep him happy and safe. It is what it is, and I do what I do.

I came across THIS NEWS ARTICLE where the aunt was charged with child endangerment when her autistic nephew left the home and drowned in a nearby lake while under her watch. The article certainly doesn't give many facts, but from what I can glean from the facts it does give the charge seems to be a bit over the top. She didn't leave him outside unattended like some I've read before, nor did she take forever to call police. I'm confused as to why this woman is being charged at all. Seems a bit much to me.

Playing the Asperger's Card

2011-08-12T09:54:00.001-05:00

As a person with AS I know that the level of severity is different in different areas for different people who are diagnosed with Asperger's. However, I have noticed a trend here lately with AS males specifically who do things that are illegal, and wrong, then attempt to play the autism card. No. Not okay. This Guy for instance. He is on his way to being a serial rapist and he cries Asperger's. I'm sorry, but since when did AS damage one's ability to know that it's not okay to run down the street sexually assaulting women?

There's been other stories I've heard of lately that I'd probably incite a voracious argument on my blog if I were to name them, due to my less than popular opinion on them. I will say in general, if one has at least an average IQ and has Asperger's then you have the ability to know right from wrong and to control your impulses toward your obsessions. Having a special interest in something doesn't make one excused for the laws that the rest of society has to follow. I also find it damaging to use that as a defense, because it does nothing for inclusion and understanding of Asperger Syndrome. It paints us as a group of unstable, impulsive people who might at any minute do something immoral, or illegal if it is a part of our obsession. This is simply not true of all of us. These stereotypes are harmful.

The Most Versatile Blogger

2011-08-11T10:20:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite bloggers over at 30 Days Of Autism has bestowed upon me the honor of the *Versatile Blogger Award* I very much appreciate the mention. Please, check her page out. It's a very well written, blog with a plethora of information about autism put together by a lady named Leah Kelley who is a mom of a child with autism and a teacher for regular ed and special ed students. She has lots of experience to share is a very kind, generous lady.

Well, the rules for the *Versatile Blogger Award* is as follows:
*Thank the person who gave you the award and provide a link back to their page.
*Share 7 things about yourself
*Pass this award to 15 blogs

So... here we go. Seven things you may not know about me:
1. I have 4 tattoos. One covers a good part of my back and a part of that one is a peace sign that is on the back of my neck. Inner peace is very important to me, and always has been.

2. I never went to school beyond the 9th grade.

3. I talk out loud to myself all the time. *blush* This drives my 13 yo daughter crazy.

4. I rarely call anyone I am close to by their given name. I make up names and that's who you are to me. I also make up words to describe things. My household has it's own language that no one on the outside would understand.

5. I spend way too much time on-line writing reading and researching. The internet is also how I socialize.

6. I NEED to learn and acquire new knowledge like I need to breath. It's an obsession and I can never know enough or indulge enough in learning about my special interests and other similar subjects.

7. I could live on beef jerky and cherry cheesecake. <3

And Now, without further ado, here is my nominees for Most Versatile Blogger .
1 AStrangerInGodZone

2. Mind Deep

3.Raising Asperger's Kids

4.Gnus, Wombats, and Ducks

5.Therapy Worksheets

6. Look Me In The Eye

7. Tiny Buddha

8. Posivity Blog

9. Harpocrates Speaks

10. The Autistic Me

11.Autism Blogs Directory

12.Jens Voice

13.Beck Institute Blog

14. The Residential Autist

15. Springingtiger's Blog

Updating my blog

2011-08-09T19:17:00.001-05:00

I'm in the process of changing the bakcgoround and updating my blog. I aplogize if it's messy or not legible in the meantime. I hope to have it looking right by Thursday.

Thanks for reading and I'm happy to hear any suggestions or comments about content or appearance!

Conversations With Bubby

2011-08-09T11:59:00.001-05:00

My nine year old, mildly autistic son says the cutest and funniest things. He is well known around his school by the teachers and staff for his little comments. I thought that posting his Bubby-isms would be a nice addition to my blog and share some of the happiness he brings to my life.

Yesterday while he was watching iCarly he came up to me and this conversation took place:

Bubby: Do you know what I would call a web channel if I had one?
Me: No. What?
Bubby: The World's Cutest Bubby. I am cute aren't I?
Me: Yes. you are.

Also, last year whenever he didn't want to do something that the teachers asked him to do he would look at them straight faced and serious and say:
" Do you really want to see a cute little boy cry?" lol I don't think it ever got him out of any work, but it sure was funny.

Autistic Sense Of Self

2011-08-08T16:23:00.001-05:00

A few years ago I was watching an informative piece on TV about the development of autism. One part really stuck with me that made a revelation in my mind that has been rattling wondering what it could fully mean. I felt I was on the verge of a vast and complicated canyon full of information that would keep my ever thinking brain wrapped up for some time.

They spoke of a child being able to know they were a separate being from their surroundings and know that their reflection in the mirror was indeed them. This milestone should be in place by 9-12 months in most typically developing children. The way this was tested was that they put a dot of lipstick on the baby's forehead and let them look at themselves in the mirror. If the baby knew that the reflection was of themselves they would try to wipe their forehead to get the dot off, or at the least investigate the mysterious thing on their face that doesn't belong. If they were still self unaware they'd try to wipe the mirror, signaling to the adults they were not aware of the dot being on their own head.

So, this was interesting, as children with autism don't seem to have this ability, at least not until much later. I then thought that of the fact that most children on the spectrum (and some adults) don't refer to themselves in first person. This is now being backed up by science using an FMRI to analyze the parts of the brain autistic individuals use to process language referring to self.

The subject of Sense of Self came up in a forum that I frequented and I have since brought it up in several others, as it's one of infinite interest to me. It's always the females on the autism spectrum who delve in to discuss the subject of owning one's self and what this might mean to us, vs typical people. The males almost never participate, even as the forum pages grow sometimes into the 20's as us ladies philosophizes. Sometimes, they might poke their head in, announce they don't know what in the world we're talking about, and make a hasty exit. (which is another facet I'd like to explore- do males on the spectrum have less sense of self than females? If so why?) Of course, the case may be that males in general are less inclined to engage in debate about what constitutes self. My husband certainly did not have any desire to discuss it at all with me.

I'd like to break this subject down into several posts, as I have a lot I'd like to say on it. This way I am not posting a novel of a post for everyone to read, which you won't due to short attention spans or time limitations. So, if you're interested, please stay tuned for part two of Autistic Sense Of Self.

Finding Time For Peace

2011-08-06T23:09:00.001-05:00

In This Article By Thich Nhat Hanh he speaks of finding time in everyday life to create a Spiritual Practice. I find it to be a really good reminder that peace is always available to us at each moment.

Too often we think that we have to make time to meditate, or be more calm, or be more Mindful. We wait until we can squeeze it into our busy schedules, except we have such stressful, busy lives that there never seems to be a moment to spare. Planning on 20-30 minutes of sitting doing nothing seems like a healthy thing to do. It seems like it would be wonderfully relaxing. But, something else always seems to come up and snatch away those minutes we had planned to use for finding peace. Our best intentions aren't always met with actions. Especially, for those of you that follow my page with special needs kids. We know all too well that at the end of the day what got done was what got done, and the rest will have to wait until tomorrow. For me, it was always a tomorrow that never came, or at least not very often.

So, what worked for me was taking several small moments in my day to really be alive in the moment. I focused on my breath, on my toes touching the floor, the smell of the air. I live several moments in my day as if there were no others to consider. I was amazed at the transformation that happened. It seemed to open up a new way of thinking for me. I seemed to have more time, more patience, more happiness, more joy, more love, more compassion, more of what I'd been trying to manufacture through all the busy-hustle bustle that I've been engaged in all my life. The world seemed to move slower for me. I never realized before how stiff I held myself, or how much I closed off the back of my throat constricting air, almost as if I were predicting panic at any moment. This was my constant state before taking Mindful breaks.

One thing that I did in particular was I took out my cell phone and took a picture of nature, or something else that I found fascinating, besides another person. I took close ups of blooming flowers or a tree glistening as the sun set behind it. I take one at a time and use them as a wallpaper on my cell phone. Right now there is a beautiful purple flower that I took while outside with the kids while they were playing. Doing this helps to remind me to look for the beauty in things that are all around me at any given moment.I can instantly remember how peaceful I felt in the moment I took the picture when I see my cell phone. There's always something spectacular to look at if one is using the right mind to see.

Police Beat To Death A Mentally Ill Man

2011-08-06T22:27:00.000-05:00

I came across a disturbing event recently about a homeless man with schizophrenia being beat to death by six (count 'em SIX) police officers after it was reported that he was breaking into cars. FULL STORY HERE.

I cannot even begin to describe how disgusted and infuriated that I am at what this man went through. I know this isn't about autism, but as far as I'm concerned it could have easily been so. It doesn't matter, no one deserves to be treated this way. I'm also quite certain that this incident would have gotten no attention and no consequence would have come of the cops if several eyewitnesses would not have caught the whole thing on video. I am fairly certain that there would have been a good ol boy cover up and business would have gone on as usual for these poor excuses for police officers.

During training, officers are trained in MANDT procedures. I can't recall exactly what the acronym stands for, but it's basically training on how to safely restrain another person with minimal harm to either the officer or the person being subdued. It's very basic procedure and anyone working with people that may become dangerous and need restrained is usually trained in this. One officer should have been able to easily subdue this man and cuff him. There was no need for the excessive force that was used on him. No need for six officers, and most definitely no need to be beat while being tazed.

Also, my next point... I didn't watch the video. It is on some of the news articles reporting this incident. I can't watch disturbing things like a man being beaten to death in real-time. My brain goes almost into automatic fear driven meltdown, as is common for those of us on the spectrum. But, I have read descriptions of the video and from what I heard the suspect was screaming for his father and a few other out of place statements. Police officers are supposed to be trained to be able to pick up on cues that says a person may not be in their right mind, or an Emotionally Disturbed Person. They are supposed to take special precautions with an EDP, instead of just treating them as defiant. This obviously was not followed.

Apparently there were several bystanders and some journalists have criticized their inaction. Even comparing it to THE MILGRAM EXPERIMENT . I felt this is an unfair judgment placed on these horrified onlookers who at least stuck around to take video. The Milgram experiment was not conducted with an actual authority figure such as a police officer, nor was it comparable due to the nature of who was doing the harm. It wasn't the bystanders who were controlling directly, or indirectly how much pain the suspect was subject to. I do feel that if they could have pushed a button to stop this man's suffering, they would have. I feel THE STANFORD EXPERIMENT would be more apt to describe the behavior seen in this awful situation, especially with the officers, who are totally, TOTALLY to blame here. The buck stops there. I'm tired of hearing the media trying to stir up drama by trying to find out who could have done what differently. The people who perpetuated this heinous act of murder on a defenseless mentally ill man, those six officers, are who is to blame. I hope they are not let back out into society as officers to do more harm.

How do you respond to strangers about your child's (or your own) autism?

2011-08-03T17:44:00.000-05:00

I have been running into a scenario more frequently as my boys grow older and begin to stick out a bit more to people we see everyday. The most frequent is the well meaning waitress or cashier who keeps trying to engage Beans in a conversation. I feel that I have to say something, because he obviously isn't going to answer them, or even acknowledge their existence. I have a feeling some know that he's different before speaking to him, but try to anyway. I think they want to be nice by acknowledging him, but don't want to ask me why he's different. I will eventually tell them that he's autistic and nonverbal. They usually say something about how he's beautiful or cute. I'm not sure if that's how I'd like people to respond, but then what IS the protocol for that situation? What would be the proper thing to say? What is preferred by most parents of autistic kids?

I rarely say much about Bubby's autism. He is verbal. Not fluently so and is often extremely inappropriate, but verbal enough to seem to not need an explanation to complete strangers. He also gets angry when I say anything about his differences, so I tend not to out of respect for him and his own preferences.

How do you respond to the awkward stranger encounter in regards to your child's autism and what is and isn't helpful reactions on the part of others?

Hate Crime?

2011-08-01T23:54:00.000-05:00

Slur Wounds Mother Of Autistic Man

I happen to think that yes it does count as a hate crime. Why wouldn't it? Is it because it's less PC to say the R word than the N word for blacks or F word for gays? Using the R word is just as hateful and demeaning as the other words. It's about time we as a society realize that. Words have meaning and anyone who says things like 'oh that so retarded' in my house gets corrected. When one attaches a negative connotation (reatrded = anything bad or undesirable for instance) than being reatrded or as I prefer to call it intelecctually handicapped takes a form of less than. Think about it next time you utter the slur Retarded about something you find bad or stupid. Think about how that word being negative makes people that are that way seem less than to society and thereby less dignified and less deserving of the same human rights the rest of us enjoy. Think about if it was you that was in that position. So, yes....that was a hate crime as far as I am concerned and I think it's sad that law enforcement still in this day and age thinks differently.

Oh, and as a side note, I get a little irritated at people who have children or adults on the severe end of the spectrum who vehemently deny that their kids are 'retarded' as if it were something bad or undesirable. Bean's doctor report states that he's retarded, though I am not sure that's correct. Not because I feel being intellectually disabled is such a bad thing, but rather due to his obvious inability to communicate any knowledge he may have. It may or may not be valid, but either way he deserves respect.

Physical Punishment Proven To Be Costly Longterm

2011-07-30T10:34:00.000-05:00

http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/07/27/physical-punishment-may-impair-childs-cognitive-functions/28087.html

Still think that an ol fashioned whippin may be a good disciplinary tool? You may want to rethink that stance as new evidence is supporting gentler methods for smarter kids. Primarily, executive functioning and impulse control. So, basically what that says to me is, the one thing you're trying to teach them (to behave better and be more responsible) by hitting them (and make no mistake that if you strike a child at ALL you ARE hitting them) is actually going to inhibit those impulses and behaviors on a mental level in the long term. It looks like many parents are still in need of learning to use some new behavior strategies for themselves as they learn to respond to their children better. School staff, as well. I do think corporal punishment is still legal in our state, but I've not seen it used, even when I was a child.

More On Thoughts, Guilt and Time...

2011-07-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

I have been doing some posting about time management and how more is not necessarily better in this post. I have been monitoring my own behavior when it comes to my daily routines and what I seem to feel is important and what I stress over. (I think if I listed what I don't stress over the list would be shorter!) As well, as what seems to follow most parents, especially parents with special needs kids. You know that feeling that you get at the end of the day when the kids are about to go to bed, or perhaps after.... the one that nags in the depth of the back of your mind all day. Lurking, but not terribly vocal, but always present. Guilt. The feeling that maybe you could have, should have, would have done more. You read a blog from a parent where they have it all together. They did therapy for all 7 of their special needs kids, made 3 gluten free from scratch, homemade meals, went to lunch with their friends, potty trained one child, house is cleaned and even had the time to write about it in their award winning blog before they go to bed.

Maybe, the above is an exaggeration, but still.... I think there are several of us parents with special needs kids that feel that way at the end of the day. I carry this narrative around all day that I tell myself all these negative, half baked truths about what other moms are and what I must be compared to them. The story that I tell myself is familiar, but not useful for a calm, mindful parent that I'd like to be. When I come down hard on myself and expect a certain level of unattainable perfection I am grumpy, short, and snappy. When one feels bad on the inside you will reflect that on the outside, no matter how much we think our feelings and emotions are ours alone to contend with.

I have been telling myself these stories with my thoughts for so many years that it's automatic. I had to really put some effort to go off of autopilot to examine my thoughts. It's been an experience for me to mindfully look at what I believe and really question the truth to it. To hold up my own thoughts and examine them. Before, I didn't think much about them, nor did I question them. I just bought my thoughts as true. My reality. But, what if they weren't true? How will I know? What is the test? Is there such a thing as true or false with thoughts and feelings?

And, so with Mindfulness and the ACT therapy I have been studying comes in handy here. Let's break this down using a common thought or two of mine that is less than positive....

"I didn't take Beans to the bathroom today to practice potty training"

Now, the above thought can be replaced with, I didn't try to incorporate enough signs in his day, or engage him enough, or exert enough effort in making sure I somehow snuck enough nutrition into his diet. As well, as with my other son, maybe I felt I didn't write a social story to explain something to him better, or socialize him more, or practice emotion cards with him... the list is really endless...But, back to breaking down the italicized thought above. Who's voice is this? Is it mine? Or is it someone from my past that may have always said critical things to me? Do I like this story, or benefit from it? Is it helpful? How does this make me feel and does it motivate me to be the self I want to be in order to meet my own goals and values?

After I have asked myself the questions above I come to the realization that this is not my voice, I don't like how it makes me feel and it's not helpful to me. It's not necessarily bad or wrong, but also not a thought that I am buying into as something that is representative of me. I notice the thought and let it go without reaction. I can't be perfect. I'm human with limitations and feelings. The kind of mother I want to be is one who is happy, relaxed, and confident. I can't be her when I'm buying the stories that I spoke about above. I have to make a choice and a conscious decision as to what kind of parent I can be vs the kind of parent I think I ought to be.

This isn't to say that sometimes we don't have to make changes and do thing differently. The diet that I often speak of in this blog was a big change and one that required effort. I didn't lose weight by simply being upset at myself, though. I vowed to make some real changes, because I felt that I needed that to happen to be the person I want to be. I am not berating and depriving myself of treats and freedom, but rather eating better. I don't chastise myself into dieting, because that never works. Same with parenting. Truth be told, Beans is in the very early stages potty training and isn't cognitively or physically ready to be trained yet. Myself, and the staff that work with him are just acclimating him to the toilet by introducing it slowly. The fact that I didn't take him very much, or at all for that matter, isn't a big deal and I shouldn't make it one inside of my mind when it's time for me to relax. Letting myself be, in the moment without judgment is a difficult task, but worth the practice.

Quick Site Share

2011-07-27T10:19:00.000-05:00

I found this site via Twitter and thought it might be so useful that to others that I'd post it here as well as in the favorite links area of my blog. http://www.thomasarmstrong.com/index.php Looks like there's lots of info on people with brain differences, ASD, ADD, Dyslexia, ect.. A very positive site promoting neurodiversity.

*though as a disclaimer, I have ceased to align myself with the neurodiverse movement due to some of the radical turns it has taken. The neurodiversity that this site speaks of I think I can get behind, at least from what I've seen.

When "just not a math person" doesn't add up: Dyscalculia and what it means for kids

2011-07-24T16:59:00.001-05:00

http://chicagoparent.com/magazines/chicago-parent/2011-august/back-to-school-special-section/discalculia-math-disability
Above is a link to a site that describes something called Dyscalculia. It is basically like dyslexia, except for words and letters, its math and numbers. I think I may have this. I have always struggled with math, and I still do, though with lots of practice it is better. Good enough to get through the day. I think most of that was strenuous practice when I was a cashier. There was one place I worked at where I was required to count change back to the dollar before they let me on the register. Not only that, but I was trained with a group. This was extra incentive to get it right. So, I bought a bag of play money, went home and practiced it. Even if my register broke I could, without error, count back your change to the dollar even to this day.

As a child, I really struggled through math tasks. When I had to work, I had to rely on counting on my fingers, which was very frowned upon by my second grade teacher.It got to the point to where she recommended I be tested for special ed. Even though this was 20 yrs ago, they did special ed testing quite a lot the same as today. I was tested in all areas and when was all said and done I was found to be gifted, with the exception of math, of course. The school forgot all about my math issues and focused on the where I can get my needs met in all the other areas. Which was okay, because I was just as bored in class as they thought I to be after seeing where I was academically. The school I attended was very small and didn't have a gifted program for grade school students, so the faculty tried to move me up a grade in effort to alleviate my boredom. I as a young aspie child was vehemently opposed to such a drastic change. So, I remained in the same grade, but without any aid in my math skills, which seemed more and more behind with each passing year. By the time I got to algebra I was failing. I had no concept of what to do and no amount of extra tutoring seemed to help. I wish that I had gotten the extra help when I was young. I get by, but still count on my fingers. ;)

How Mindfulness can improve your health

2011-07-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

Taken from :http://www.thesuntimes.com/lifestyle/x1009563003/Bridget-Rolens-How-can-mindfulness-improve-your-health
A straightforward guide to Mindfulness and meditation. Short and to the point.

Have you ever had the experience of focusing all your attention on what you are doing, whether it be gardening, working a puzzle, engaging in your favorite hobby, eating your favorite dessert?
Have you ever just enjoyed the activity for its own sake, without any judgment or criticism, without having to achieve any particular goal?
Have you ever been fully absorbed in the experience of the moment, letting go of any thoughts about the past or the future, about what happened earlier in your day or what you have to do later?
If so, then you have practiced mindfulness.
Being mindful means focusing your attention fully on what you are experiencing in the present moment with an aware, balanced acceptance. You are aware of physical sensations in your body: tasting, touching, hearing, smelling and seeing. You are aware of how you feel emotionally. You are aware of what you are thinking in the present moment.
You meet your experience without judgment or expectation of how it should be and, instead, embrace it just as it is. You bring that same non-judgmental awareness to yourself. Your body, emotions and thoughts are in the present moment, no matter what is going on or how we are reacting.
How can mindfulness improve your health? Research has proven that there is a link between stress and health. Those with high stress levels are more likely to develop diseases, such as hypertension, heart disease, some forms of cancer, irritable bowel syndrome, back pain, anxiety, depression and diabetes.
Research also shows that meditation practices like mindfulness produce a relaxation response in the mind and body that counteract the effects of stress. When we approach life with this non-judgmental awareness of present-moment experience, we reduce our stress levels.
A Harvard study on the effects of meditation on blood pressure showed that meditating for 20 minutes twice a day lowered blood pressure in a test group. Other studies have shown that meditation can be used to reduce physical and emotional symptoms related to stress.
Try this:
Sit comfortably in a quiet place.
Close your eyes and take three or four long, deep, even breaths.
Invite your body to release any tension it is holding.
As you breathe deeply, focus all your attention on your breathing, and feel the sensations of the inhale and the exhale.
When you are ready, let your breath return to its usual pattern, and just let the breath breathe itself.
As you breathe in, silently note “IN” and, as you breathe out, silently note “OUT.”
Accept each breath just as it is. Let your mind become very interested in your breathing, noticing all its qualities: long/short, deep/shallow, even/uneven, constricted/easy. Watch how it changes from moment to moment. The important thing is to open to your experience with acceptance, with a receptive, friendly attention.
Take an attitude of passive disregard for distracting thoughts. If you start thinking about other things, say to yourself, “There's a thought.” Then release your attention from the thought, and focus once more on your breath.
Bridget Rolens is the mind-body skills instructor for St. John's Hospital - Center for Living in Springfield, Ill. For more information go to http://www.prairieheart.com/cfl or call 314-544-LIVE (5483).
-- Be Healthy Springfield (Ill.)

Sanity Test-How Sane Are You?

2011-07-24T10:35:00.000-05:00

I took the Sanity Score test at http://www.sanityscore.com/ . My score was 75 out of a possible 200 something. The lower the score supposedly the more 'sane' one is! lol It declared me sane, but with two areas that need work, self-esteem was the highest followed by anxiety, even suggesting I have an anxiety disorder, which I have been diagnosed with. The anxiety was indicated by obsessions and compulsions, which here again, is quite true. It's fun and free, so go ahead and take it. If you do, please come back and share your results and thoughts on the test.

Elmer Fudd - Grilled Cheese Song - Looney Tunes Show Merrie Melodies

2011-07-20T16:47:00.001-05:00

I know this is completely random, but this song is hilarious. I just had to share it.

Top 10 Controversial Disorders

2011-07-19T20:45:00.001-05:00

According to Live Science:
Top 10 Controversial Disorders

Time and to-do lists Part Two:

2011-07-19T06:46:00.000-05:00

In the last blog post I talked a little bit about how we schedule our days with more than can reasonably fit. Some by choice, some by necessity. As I mentioned, some of us don't have the time energy and money to be able to do what we would like. Some people work 14 hour days not because they want to, but because some people have to. Some of us with special needs kids don't have respite or family to help. There is no 'outsourcing in childcare' as one article put it. So, as I write about slowing down and being more in the moment I am also sympathetic to those in society that for a variety of reasons don't have the resources to pick and choose their schedules with ease. I am one of those people and I am well aware of the conditions when money and time is finite.

I think what I have noticed in myself as I try to be more flexible in my routines (no easy feat for an stubborn aspie such as myself) is that I worry too much about what others think, or what may happen if I don't get X task done. I also feel a constant need for perfection. I feel I have failed if I don't live up to certain expectations that I have set for myself. These expectations are always unattainable by any human. I am almost guaranteed to fail. Self compassion and a dose of realistic thinking can go a long way in making my life more content just by giving myself a break. Will I always remember to take my 7 yo (who is in the beginning stages of potty training) to the bathroom several times a day? Or remember to get use his special therapy cup to enhance learning to drink from a regular cup vs a sippy? Or, the slow, slow, slow process of exposure to the hair clippers daily? Or to stop and make him sign for simple things? How about all the social stories and emotion cards that are never printed for Bubby? Or the tutoring for CJ's dyslexia? I do remember most of those thing most of the time, but not all of them all of the time.

I am finding that as I realize that my part of my own downfall is my attachment to perfection. As I let go of what I think I *should* be or *should* do life is getting fuller and more enjoyable. I have lived my life from a view of distance rather than being in the moment feeling fully in tune with what I am doing. Just being aware of how the choices that I make in my day to day life can make all the difference in leading what I would like to call a fulfilled life. I try to rank importance of tasks relative to time. What will make the most difference is 5 days, weeks, or months? How much does having my house dust free matter vs taking the kids to the pool daily? What will matter more in the long run? I have to be aware that it's unlikely for me to do both all the time. Once I have gotten rid of that illusion the choices seem more clear.

Time and to-do lists Part One:

2011-07-19T05:37:00.001-05:00

There was something I noticed while trolling the many news feeds and such that I frequently read... there were many that were telling me how to get the most out of my day. How to maximize my whole time potential, like in this article here . I think if this woman was off her schedule by 10 minutes her whole day would probably fall apart. Every minute seems planned and accounted for. It seems that there are some that have that kind of control over their resources to be able to strategically plan that way. Living with autistic children don't always go to plan, so making myself a priority in every waking moment of my pre-planned day would not work. No matter how many spreadsheets of data I take on how I spend my time and how many 10 minute intervals that I allot myself to think. (rolls eyes) Who schedules time in to think? And, how have we become this multi-tasking society that pencils in every waking moment of everyday with tasks and activities?

That's not to say that the article isn't without a few good ideas. I do think it's worthwhile if you've not ever done it (especially if you're not a routine oriented person) to get out a notebook, spreadsheet, whatever and document your day in 15 minute intervals. How much time do you really spend on Facebook? How about in front of the TV? Or any of the many other activities that fit in your day. Knowing this information is important in deciding if you're living your days out to what matters most to you, or if you're just drifting by doing things that hold little meaning for you while wondering where your time goes. Or feeling that nag of boredom.

I have slowly started to adopt the approach that less is more when I am looking at my schedule. Like in this article about slowing down I am realizing that I am not more fulfilled when I do more. Sure, there are days where I get a ton of errands or housework done, but there are also days where my energy wanes and that's okay, too. Accomplishment feels good, but when is it that our lives became are about a monumental list of tasks to tick off? When does that feeling of accomplishment feel like a dog chasing his tail?

To be continued in the Next Post

Asperger Syndrome and Depression

2011-07-18T21:43:00.001-05:00

Asperger Syndrome and Depression

The link above is to a short but informative article about AS and co-morbid depression. I always kind of thought that the two were kind of one in the same. I wonder how many people on the spectrum have not had depression or suffer an anxiety disorder? This would almost certainly be a small percentage, I would think. Then I wonder if it has more to do with nature or nurture? Is it our brains that are that way almost from the beginning? Or is it a case of it being nature in that we struggle to fit into a world that is alien to us? Seems like it could be the latter to me. I feel like the struggle for me has definitely been more of an environmental one than anything. Would acceptance, tolerance of the differences that those on the spectrum have be a almost cure for the depression and anxiety that so many of us carry around with us?

The Antidepressant Controversy: What Does it Mean For You?

2011-07-17T18:52:00.000-05:00

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/anxiety/2011/07/the-antidepressant-controversy-what-does-it-mean-for-you/
The above link is something that I find very interesting. Here in the US the prescription of anti-depressants is quite commonplace. As a matter of fact, I meet very few people that have never been on one before, or aren't currently taking one. (people feel prone to disclosing personal info with me, I have no idea as to why, and most confess that they don't either after they tell me personal info.)

I do think that more research is required, but from what I have experienced and seen/heard from others anti-depressants may not be anymore effective than a sugar pill. It would explain how , from my personal experience, I would seem to feel better at the beginning of starting a new medication, only to have the effect wane after a few months.

I am now med free once again after attempting to take a new medication for my anxiety and it causing side effects that I found undesirable, namely insomnia. At first, I was feeling good. The relaxation was nice compared to my usual tense, worrying self. Then, the same as with anti-depressants, the anxiety starting returning in small doses, and to add to that I was finding it increasingly difficult to fall asleep at night. I've not had this problem ever in my life, but I found nothing more anxiety provoking than needing to sleep, not being able to, and watching the clock tick off the hours. It was a viscous cycle, because the later in the wee hours of the morning it got, the more anxious and agitated I became. So, I have been off of Buspar for 2 days now and my sleep is returning, well when Beans will let it!

Authentic Happiness Tests

2011-07-16T14:31:00.000-05:00

Authentic Happiness

The link above is a site that I have found interesting. It has several questionnaires designed to see how happy you are when compared to others in the same gender, occupation, ect... There's also a lot of positive psychology info that I have not had the chance to do more than browse through, yet. So far, all the tests that I've taken seem to place me in the middle of the happiness scale, suggesting I'm not happy or unhappy. Seems about right! lol I always seem more neutral than anything. Seems to be my default mood!

Nyan Cat [original]

2011-07-16T12:50:00.001-05:00

This is Bubby's new favorite video that he likes to watch, over and over and over.... Used to be Warner Brother's Logos, and cat videos.

New Specs Could Take The Guesswork Out Of Reading Emotions

2011-07-08T19:01:00.001-05:00

http://www.vancouversun.com/health/specs+take+guesswork+reading+emotions/5066407/story.html

Sounds really interesting. I would love to see that work in real time. It would be interesting for me to see what I am interpreting wrong, or just plain oblivious to. Though, it wouldn't work on me, or probably most autistics. My facial expressions are misinterpreted all the time by NTs. So, such a device would say that I was mad or upset probably all the time, even when I am not even close. lol

Autism and sexuality.

2011-07-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

Autism and Orgasm
The above blog post is one I think should be well circulated through out the whole autistic community. Parents as well as individuals on the spectrum should read it. There is so much misinformation, or complete lack of, about sexuality and autism spectrum disorders. Being a moderator for some forums for autistics and such I have most definitely had my fair share of private messages coming from others on the spectrum asking about sexuality and related issues. Some are my age or older and have been in a relationship for many years, but have been unable to achieve intimacy in a sexual way with their partner.

For many of us, we were not diagnosed until our adulthood. But, for the school aged autistics, I think there should be a separate class on sexuality that goes beyond the basics of human anatomy to help them become more knowledgeable about how their body works and other pieces of info that may not apply to the NT population. Sensory issues, anxiety, poor nonverbal body language interpretation ect...can make intimacy with a significant other very difficult, but most definitely NOT impossible for those of us on the spectrum. Having the right knowledge could make all the difference.

When friends are enemies

2011-07-07T22:02:00.001-05:00

I think continuing in the direction of being misunderstood because of one's autism that I spoke about in an earlier post today I'll talk more about it in more detail.

The other day I went to the pool with my kids like we do every weekday during the summer. Things were going well, and we were having a good time. Sometimes, Bubby sees boys from his class and tries to play with them. They usually ignore him, or humor him for a few minutes until they slip away to play with someone else. Today, there was a boy there that sometimes comes over to our house to play with Bubby and seems to genuinely like him....Or so it seems... The two began playing and splashing and having fun. Until, another boy came to play. I watched from a few feet away as he dynamic competently shifted. Once, the other boy was added to the mix I could tell things were now different between Bubby and his 'friend'. It started to resemble more of a game of keep away, but without an object to keep away. The two other boys were now on a team, and my son was the odd one out. They got aggressive and pushier. What was a fun game of spitting water in each other's faces was now turning into ugly. I never know when I should intervene on these sorts of things. I never trust my own intuition, as I can tell things aren't going right, but I can't read the body language to tell why. I just know it seems that way to me, but can I trust my own perception? I can't put into words what is wrong, so I doubt myself. I also don't want to be one of those helicopter parents that flit and hover intervening and micromanaging every moment of their child's life. So, I waited as they got more and more aggressive to see what my son might do. He grew tired in less than 5 minutes of them getting a turn to splash and spit water on him by force and did it back to his friend. Bubby grabbed his friend and did the same thing back to him as he was doing to him. So, what do you think happened next? Did he get respect by standing up for himself? Did he at least show them they can't do that? No. The boy gagged and coughed with drama so loud the life guard was looking. It was quite a show, and unfortunately if I hadn't been there to tell him that's what he gets for doing it first, guess who would have gotten reprimanded? That's right, Bubby. If I hadn't been there my son would've gotten into trouble for standing up for himself.

That made me wonder how many times has that happened? It seemed almost like it was a familiar dynamic to the three of them. I wondered how many times my son was treated like the bad guy for being the victim. Then I realized that it won't be the last time it will happen and if I'm not there to see it I'll never know about it. Bubby won't/ can't tell me. He doesn't have to ability to recall a past event and register it as something he ought to share with me. That takes way more social ability, and vocabulary then he has. Also, he is not able to discern when someone is not nice to him, quite a bit of the time. He knows it, but like me earlier, doesn't know how to explain it with words. When he arrived home from visiting with his grandparents at the lake house I found him sitting alone in a quiet moment later than evening with tears streaming down his face. I asked him what was wrong and he just said he was sad, but didn't know why. I did. It was the leftover feeling of being mistreated and dismissed. Those moments sometimes come upon you when you least expect it. You don't know why suddenly you're swallowed up with sadness, but you are. Sometimes, I am able to put together, way after the fact, that someone was rude to me, or rejected me, or made me a butt of their joke. Sometimes, it's hours later, sometimes, for no reason at all I'll remember something that happened 25 yrs ago and finally put the pieces together on what happened. I'll finally see the social side that I was missing. Those moments are coming more and more often as I see it replay again with my son. It's awful. I feel a certain desperation to stop him from having to face it. I worry about it day and night. I'm terrified to send him to fourth grade where he'll be in a new school with lockers and so much change. I know what awaits him. I am fully prepared to home school him if necessary. I just hope it never comes to that.

The song that describes me best-"The Gift" -Seether

2011-06-26T09:16:00.000-05:00

Music has long been one of my special interests. This song by Seether (one of my favorite and most closely identified with bands) is the one that I'd say describes me the most....

"The Gift"

Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Until I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of me
I am so ashamed of me...

Forty Six & 2 - Tool

2011-06-24T18:06:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite songs ever.

Nurturing the Self of the Child with Asperger's

2011-06-19T21:49:00.000-05:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-bromfield-phd/aspergers-children_b_877383.html

This article almost made me cry, as it's so true. It's all too often that I make well intentioned social errors that seem to bar me further from others, which seems to even more serve to invalidate me as a person, as I can never really get that mirror of mine polished in a way that others can reflect back to me a positive image. A part of being human is being validated by other humans in a way that they understand you, reflect you, and hear your frequency, but my frequency is rarely ever heard in full by others. Leading to miscommunications and lost opportunities, further separating me from other people and reinforcing my social anxiety, because it's not really an irrational fear if it's actually happens. It's so vitally important that we nurture autistic children's sense of self and validate it as not only real to them, but as acceptable to others. We're not just a set of test scores and characteristics, but individuals. Asperger's is a big part of that, but not the only part.

Autistic Pride Day

2011-06-18T13:38:00.000-05:00

2011-06-16T10:04:00.000-05:00

Self Compassion VS. Self-esteem

In the above article it speaks about something that I have thought about for many yrs but have been unable to fully express it as well as the article seems to. I was born in 1978 and remember doing the 'I am Special' worksheets in school. I thought it was idiotic then and I still do now. Let me say why, quite bluntly.

Let's take the whole 'you're special just as you are and can do anything you want to' statement. Untrue, and irrational. Those of us that were outcasts and left out of the loop of acceptable people at school learned this lesson early. The narcissistic, bratty, rich kids got what they wanted. The poor, odd kids did not, and were not so disillusioned when life turned out differently.

I knew that some people were better at most if not all things than I was. This was just a fact and the way it was/is. Things that matter to school aged children anyway. I conflicted with the information that I was special given to me by my parents and by other adults, because it didn't seem that were the case based on my life.

Take the 'you can be anything you want to be' phrase that was quite drilled into our little heads. Rationally speaking, only a very, very, very small percentage of people will be president, or an astronaut, or a brain surgeon. It's the way it is, but that doesn't make one a failure, but I think it felt that way to our generation. Not everyone is going to be successful and the ones that are had to work for it, as well as be naturally inclined for what they chose to do. We don't all automatically get to be and do what we want. That lesson, I think was mostly lost on my generation. Now, we have people filing for bankruptcy because they bought a nice house, nice car, nice clothes and couldn't afford it. Because why? You know why.... they Deserved it. They're special, They should have nice things. The Princess of yesteryear was told that she'd have nice things. These sorts, really irritate me. With all sarcasm aside, it was damaging to tell a whole 2 decades of people that they're wonderful just being themselves and they are entitled to what they want. That's not how life works, and it's honestly quite self centered of a way to think. It's ass backwards in the way of valuing what really matters. We're not taught to value others, as much as ourselves. I don't remember ever doing a worksheet in school about kindness to others without praise to our ego. Having a good character that has integrity, honesty, love and kindness may not be what most people think of as being successful, but it should be.

If we took the focus off of our own life and our own narrow viewpoint and thought about others more we would feel better about ourselves and the world would be a better place. Think about it. How much stress would be avoided if we weren't trying to get ahead all of the time? If most of us strived to be better people by being less self centered and more compassionate to everyone else?

More Changes

2011-06-16T08:01:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been making lots of positive changes in my life this last year. It's not been easy, and change doesn't always feel good at first, but eventually becomes habit. I quit smoking 1 year and 3 months ago. That was a huge, liberating change that I feel led to more. It's motivational when you conquer something so monumental that you get a momentum going to try another challenge. The next challenge, getting healthier.

I had put on some weight while quitting smoking as well as adopted new, undesirable eating habits. I had stopped taking my thyroid medication due to lack of funds to afford the lab at the doctor and meds. (which I may say was my perceived lack of funding, as my husband would vehemently disagree with me not taking my meds no matter how broke we were) This led to weight gain and depression. I also feel it's worth mentioning to anyone who might come across here that's quitting smoking, females will often have a hypothyroid after quitting smoking and should get it checked. I don't know if nicotine masks the symptoms of hypothyroid, or if smoking does something to the gland itself, but it seems common to have it be under-active after quitting. I require a higher dose since I quit to maintain optimal levels of the hormone.Just a tid bit of info, I found worth mentioning, because it's awful when you keep gaining weight no matter your best efforts to lose it when it could be something so simple as not having optimal levels of thyroid in your body.

I have also been working on feeling better over-all. This has been a challenge, too. It's been up and down, and all around in progress. I don't think I can measure progress of such a thing like I would with something like weight loss, but as a human, I will try. I have not been doing so well at finding time to meditate, but I have been doing better at finding time in the day in small moments to breath, be in the moment. I try to do be aware of the moment and all it holds once an hour or so. I have been trying to think of a way to set an alarm to to little Mindful/Meditation breaks, but I haven't thought of one yet. I saw some software that you can put on your computer that essentially did this, but I'm not at my computer most of the day. I thought that maybe I can set my alarm on my phone, but I haven't done so yet. I think that reminding myself to be here, now, and aware of the present helps to train my brain to do so, even in times when I might feel overwhelmed. I can get a sense of calmness and perspective. As I do this, I hope that I can get a clearer sense of self, and worthiness of being me, which will also bring about a new perspective. I see it kind of like polishing my mirror. When I polish my mirror (do positive things for myself that make me feel good) I shine back at others brighter. Others begin to like the reflection they get when they spend time around me because I project a positive image back at them. I not only leave others in a better way then before they came across me, but I also attract more positive things with a more positive projection.

Solutions to disabled abuse of power

2011-06-09T16:19:00.000-05:00

Solutions To Disbaled Abuse Of Power
This is an excellent article about empathy (oh the irony of an aspie speaking of lack of other's empathy lol) and the lack of it in the caring for disabled individuals as well as in journalism. I often avoid reading stories like the one that is referenced in the article due to the horrible anxiety and emotional upset that I am left with. Not to mention, the paranoia that I feel about how other people are treating my kids when I'm not around. I am always left with this extreme sense of social injustice, and blind anger. My inner vigilante wants to hunt the people down that are responsible for the atrocities and harm them. This is unlike me to think of harming others, but I get so frustrated when I hear of these things. Well, this article shares some SOLUTIONS, yes, that's right, some real solutions and real resources to help stamp out the secrecy that these abuses depend on to keep happening. Action, as well as knowledge is what will help alleviate these sorts of harmful places where our most vulnerable of society resides. It's time to stand up, even if it means facing consequences yourself, and expose these people. Let's not let this keep happening.

Early Bird

2011-06-08T07:17:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am up before the sun again. Sigh. Sleep deprivation has to rate among the things that i will willingly admit I dislike about being a mom of an autistic child. Beans thinks it's okay to awaken at all hours and is full on ready to get his day on sometimes at 3:30 AM. Today it was 5:30, so that's not awful. I wish that I could have slept a good 2 more hours, but that's not what today had in store. I'm trying to make the most of it by using this time to blog and plan my day. He went straight for his Picture Exchange Cards, undoubtedly looking for the candy PECs that I already took out, as they are not a breakfast choice. lol I am thrilled about the new skill of discriminating his PECs. He picked saltine crackers for breakfast. Unusual, but not too far out of a request. He is happily swinging away on the platform swing in the living room yelling "daydum. mmmmmmmm. shhhhhh ahhhhhhh mmmmmm." Those are his happy noises along with high pitched 'eeeeeeee' that he also likes to make at people he likes, especially children. It often times frightens children, because he will get up to their face nose to nose to screech. It's his way of saying hi. People stare. No doubt, they stare. I don't often notice, as with my own autistic tendencies I don't notice much about what people around me are doing, nor do I read them or their agenda well. My husband does, and he says we get many stares and looks. Some quite nasty, as if to say we shouldn't have even took him out of the house. Well, we did, and we do, they can just carry their hate and prejudice to someone who cares. He has every right to be at the store and places like McDonald's. We work very hard in making sure all of our children are minding manners and being courteous to everyone around us, so any irritation is the fault of the other person's intolerance of difference and not of the fact that either of my boys are being a nuisance.

I love my Beans, though. He is so cute and sweet I don't mind (too much) about being tired all of the time.

Autism may have had advantages in humans' hunter-gatherer past, researcher believes

2011-06-03T18:27:00.000-05:00

Autism may have had advantages in humans' hunter-gatherer past, researcher believes

I find this article interesting. Not sure of the validity, but it's an interesting theory nonetheless.

Does Eating Give You Pleasure, Or Make You Anxious?

2011-06-01T19:13:00.000-05:00

http://ucsdnews.ucsd.edu/newsrel/health/05-09EatingPleasure.asp
I find the above article interesting. While I am not anorexic I do tend to fall along the same patterns and could probably be diagnosed with Eating Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified. I have also seen lots of studies that point to anorexia being extremely common in females with AS. So much so in one article I read (sorry can't remember where it was) it was referred to as the female AS. Males and females differ in their expression of autism, females tend to be more anxious and more akin to an eating disorder, though I have heard of some males on the spectrum who have eating disorders, too.

I remember the first time this sort of thing occurred to me. I was 12. I was quite underweight for my height, and was teased for it often at school. Still, I remember for whatever reason that I felt fat and put myself on a chocolate milk diet. I don't know why chocolate milk. lol I hate milk, and it has a lot of calories, but who said the whole thing was rational to begin with? This began my lifelong struggle with body image and weight issues.

I don't know that I feel anxious per se when I eat, but I don't ever feel happy, or good about it. I have never understood why people eat for emotional reasons, like being sad, or even what comfort food is. Makes no sense to me. I have never craved a specific food. I have favorite foods that I like, but it is beyond me what a food craving is even like. Though, I do get anxious when I eat when I am feeling self conscious and there are peole around. i feel like they are judging me because I am eating too much, or the wrong things. I eat before and after going to social occasions, because I can't eat in front of others very well. It makes me nervous, and I already feel nervous enough being around people.

Dysthmia

2011-06-01T12:25:00.000-05:00

I have had a rough couple days. Today is looking to be better. I have Dysthmia (dysthyimic disorder) which in short is a long lasting mild/moderate depression, as well as Asperger's. It is less severe than major depression, but major depression can also attach itself to the dysthmia turning the usual depression into what is called 'double depression'. I am still unclear as to whether dysthmia is a result of past trauma, and sadness, or whether it is of organic origin. In other words, I have no idea if whether it's environment or if it's a chemical imbalance outside of anyone's control. I would like to think it's of environmental origin, as that would mean with some work and time it might go away. It might be 'curable' as it were.

This depression as I remember it started when I was about 13. These feelings that I am not the same as others, and I was so sad. I began to notice my AS differences at about 12, but by 13 they were almost in my face. They could no longer be denied. I as I still do, have immense trouble with speaking with groups of people. Auditory issues, sensory issues, as well as the inability to make small talk and keep up with the speed of how most Neurotypicals (NTs) speak make it impossible for me to feel included or add much to social outings. This social disconnect is by far the WORST thing (to me) about having AS. Being able to successfully integrate into a group of peers is essential to having a successful social network as a teen. I couldn't do that and had no idea as to why. I would go home after failing to respond to someone talking to me appropriately and ruminate. I'd make lists of things that I could do differently, and role play differently situations. I'd try to think about why it went wrong. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with my hearing, because I can't hear individual words when there are a lot of people talking and background noise. I thought it was the way I dressed, or looked, or.... That stuck. I decided that it MUST be the way I look. I have since been seriously obsessed with my appearance. Always finding it lacking, and thinking that if i could fix it, then I'd be more approachable and likable. Maybe things might turn around for me. It was something I could do in a situation where I felt so lost and powerless. This was/is unrealistic as I was not unattractive. Rationally, I know this, because I have been offered modeling jobs when I was not applying, and have been told by complete strangers at times how attractive I am. I am not ugly, or fat but none of that matters when I FEEL that way.

So, that's where the dysthmia began. It focused in on my appearance, until it permeated my whole life. I find with many on autism spectrum they don't care if others think badly of them, or if they're left out. I care less now than I did as a child. I remember noticing in first grade that everyone else had people to play with and I had to swing alone because I didn't. I remember feeling extraordinarily sad about it, too. I thought maybe the teacher might notice and tell me why I didn't have friends like everyone else did. She never did, but then again, I'm sure no one knew that I was unhappy, or wanted things to be different. Now, I am okay being alone, and not having much social ties. Sometimes, it bothers me, but then I know how hard of work it is to socialize now and it doesn't seem worth it quite often.

I am now trying to use behavior therapy to help me with cognitive distortions that feed into my depression. Particularly, Acceptance Commitment Therapy. I take a little of that as well as a little Mindfulness Stress Reduction Therapy. A little of this or that. What ever works. Though, I have to confess that I have not been meditating. It seems so hard, and chore-like. I know that it is. I know that it is like exercising. It's important, and the more I do it the easier it will be, but if I wait until I feel like doing it, I never will. I may try for 5 minutes sessions, as 15 was too long, and 10 was still difficult.

I guess I will end this nonsensical post. I was going to talk about dysthmia and how it's impacted my life in more detail and more structured of a way, but I rambled off subject. I will leave it. It's what came to mind as I was typing, so it is what I feel, genuinely.

Positive Changes

2011-05-26T16:53:00.001-05:00

This last year has been one of big change for me. I got diagnosed, and began my journey as a confirmed Aspergian. Of course, I knew before this that I was on the spectrum, or at least i suspected, but it was only confirmed in black and white by a professional after extensive testing a little over a year ago. I thought I'd feel empowered and happy about the confirmation, and I did... for awhile. That quickly wore off and I found myself in a depression. I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it had to do with the permanence of it all. Now I knew for a fact that it wasn't something that was going to go away, but rather the way my brain was wired.

I am now coming out of the foggy depression that I felt trapped in this last year. It was a transformation of sorts. It was more than just depression, it was me resisting change. That can definitely be a cause of depression. I have been finally making some of those painful changes.

The first one was realizing that the way that I protect myself with my wall of anxiety was extremely limiting my life and causing my family's lives to also carry this burden. Since this post really isn't about anxiety specifically, I will limit the details. I had to take responsibility for the fact that I was going to great lengths to avoid things that made me uncomfortable. This was stifling, to say the least. When anxiety is allowed to rule a person's life to this extent it really has control over their life. However, facing anxiety and telling it that you see it, and notice it, but will not let it make the rules anymore is very, very hard work. It takes so much bravery, and courage. It takes even more when you have to pick yourself back up after a relapse, which often happens when you're trying to change a way of being that you've had for so long.

With each step forward of defying my most anxious worries I gain confidence. Self confidence takes belief and one can't have self confidence while simultaneiously telling oneself that life is bad, wrong, and or dangerous. I had to believe that things can be okay, and if they weren't that I could handle them. I had to take the chance that I might fail. I began a business, stopped smoking, and learned to drive beyond my pre-designated "safe-driving areas" as well as learned other life skills I'd avoided doing. These things were laced with anxiety, and panic, but I did them. I can at this time, feel that I have accomplished something and glean a bit of confidence from that accomplishment.

I have broken other very hard to stop habits, like cutting down on my internet usage. No easy feat if you've ever felt enslaved by forums and social networks. Particularly, for an aspie who has major difficulty socializing in real time. I found the internet to be a godsend, until it wasn't anymore.

With my extra time lately, I have began to do more activities with my family. We go out and do walks and such for a couple hours a day. I have cleaned out several closets, cabinets and other areas of my home. I have been making more effort to make my surroundings more comfortable and uncluttered. I've been baking new recipes, and starting new projects. We're also going to a community picnic this weekend.

These changes weren't easy, and they weren't over night, but I feel that I am on my way to a much more positive, congruent life.

2011-05-24T10:22:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to make a new post every day or two. Just free writing about daily happenings and feelings.I think today I will continue on with a more extensive intro post about who I am, and what this blog might be about.though I suspect it might be quite random at times.

I am a mother of three. I will introduce them as CJ-13, Bubby-9 (autistic) Beans-7 (severely autistic). I very much enjoy being a mother, though it can be challenging. Today is the last day of school for all 3 for summer vacation. Those of you that don't live in the US summer vacation in the US lasts for 3 months. While it is nice to have time for fun things like swimming, playing outside, and vacations, it is challenging for me due to pressure to take care of everyone with very little breaks, and all the noise. I think the noise is the most intrusive. The TV is in constant conflict with computer games/videos, and the verbal noises Beans makes. If he's awake, he's making sounds.

I also like to cook and bake. I think it's becoming one of my special interests. Psychology and all that's linked to it has been my special interest for about 16 yrs. The last 4 have been narrowed down to ASD, mostly. I am feeling a bit in between special interests ATM. This is an odd feeling. It's one of loss, but also one of excitement as I await the next one. I'm sure it will be a familiar subject. I usually don't make huge jumps to one interest to another.

This blog will also be about my anxiety and what strategies I use to help with that. I think that as my confidence comes together more, my anxiety will dissipate. I also have a significant amount of depression that I am learning about ways to help alleviate.

Thanks for reading!

Introduction

2011-05-22T15:46:00.000-05:00

I thought that I might do a little intro first post to let any readers that happen by my blog to get a sense of what it's about.

So... What is inner aspie, anyway? It's term I made up to mean something like 'inner child'. It's a description of the process that I'm journaling here for the world to see as I make my journey to getting to know my true authentic, autistic self that has been suppressed and repressed for many years. I have chosen this anonymous venue so that I can be comfortable in talking about anything and everything without fear of others knowing it's me.

What will this blog be about? My everyday life, feelings and beliefs, and things that I find interesting to discuss. It may be random, boring or interesting at different times to different readers. I hope to help others on the autism spectrum that may be like me, confused, lacking confidence, and looking for answers. I like to read feedback, so please feel free to leave a comment. I may have to moderate them due to spam, but we'll see.

I'm a very introspective person. Always examining my thoughts, and actions. Always looking for the answers to questions most never even think to ask. I ruminate, think, and analyze everything. I hope this blog lends me the opportunity to get some of these things out of my head.

Thank You for reading!