If you follow my blog, you'll know that I suffer from disordered eating patterns, as well as
body dysmorphia. As I have been getting healthier I have been trying to adjust my perspectives. In doing this, I have been trying to keep a realistic hold on who that I am, what I look like, and what is truly reality and what is my self loathing in disguise as dieting or 'being healthy'. I have done a lot of work this last year and can now say that I am close to having a
healthy self image. It's been a hard long road and I am certain that I am not at the end of it, but rather at a good stopping place that is good for reflecting on. There will be days where I will backslide into old patterns of thinking and behavior. I am hoping that this post will serve as a good go-to place for me during those times.
To preface this, I am naturally a thin person. The only time I have ever gained any weight was two years ago when I quit smoking
and quit taking my thyroid medicine simultaneously. That set forth anorexic behavior, but before that I was more just disordered in how I viewed myself. Though, I will admit that
food isn't that important to me . I haven't been underweight most of my life due to purposeful starvation.
This is what I looked like four years ago:
In this photo I am probably a good 10 pounds underweight for my height. I thought that I looked fat. It was intended for a school project for my boy's ECD classroom. I panicked about sending it to school for everyone to see. I knew that they would judge me as being inadequate. I also didn't have any make up on, but that didn't bother me as much as the weight issue!
Now, that my image is healthier and my confidence is a little little better I can clearly see that I look unhealthy, and not the slightest bit fat. It is my job to be certain to never ever go to the place again where I think that the picture above is one of an overweight person.This entail me being okay with who I am and risking showing my authentic self to the world. This means me having to face anxiety and uncertainty. This is about me knowing that these disordered thoughts are really just manifestations of my deeply held fears that I am not good enough, that I am not successful enough. In my mind, if I am able to keep things orderly on the outside, then I will be able to at least appear successful. It's all about control and letting go of it, as scary as that is.
Here is me today:
Normally, I have my hair straightened and all, but I had just got back from the pool in this photo. I still feel out of sorts posting it, but I know that rationally I am not overweight, or any other negative thing I am telling myself. (though I do apologize for the poor quality and color of the pic. I don't have many recent photos of me to share, so this will have to do) I think I am winning the battle with body dysmorphia and am able to finally enjoy life instead of being so worried about everything all the time. It has been worth the struggle to get here. If you have similar struggles, please know it doesn't have to be that way. There's hope.
You give me hope! I am not here yet, but your accomplishment encourages me to keep going. We have so many similarities in this area - it helps me a great deal to read what you share. Thank you for sharing your journey!
ReplyDelete"This is about me knowing that these disordered thoughts are really just manifestations of my deeply held fears that I am not good enough, that I am not successful enough. In my mind, if I am able to keep things orderly on the outside, then I will be able to at least appear successful. It's all about control and letting go of it, as scary as that is."
Ahhh, yes... I am striving to keep on with my journey, I know that I will be at that place one day too. I had to understand what I was doing first, understanding has helped me continue to move forward.
You look fabulous in both pictures by the way! And I do not just out compliments either. :-) I meant it!
I know you can do it! You are such an awesomely nice person. You deserve to be happy in every way.
DeleteAnd, thank you for the compliments.:) I did have to go back and add a more present day flattering photo to go with the poor quality one! lol I guess I still am a bit self conscious! Though, I am not awful looking in the first one, I am not quite looking healthy. A woman in her late 20s (and my height)should not be wearing a size 1. That's just not healthy looking.
I feel like I could write an essay on this because some variation of it has been a bit of a theme for me, particularly when I was younger.
ReplyDeleteI've been pondering all morning what I should write but I think I'll just share this:
What I've realised over the years is that I have to inhabit my body as well as my mind. I need to feed it well, exercise it and respect it as it is. As you point out, working through these issues is part of self esteem and learning to accept yourself. I think it is very telling that so many people with body image issues do not feel any better about themselves, even when they are thin.
Being present and mindful is helping me a lot with this stuff. I need to change lifetime habits and it isn't easy but well worth it in the long run.
Best of luck with it. I think you're doing great. =)
I do think body image/disordered eating is a symptom of ASD for females or is at the least part of the broader phenotype of ASD relations. There are a higher number of us on the spectrum, or closely related to someone who is. I don't don't know if it is in any of the hyperlinks that I posted above in the blog, but there has been some pretty good research indicating that anorexia often links AS in female. One article I read actually called it 'the female AS'. It doesn't surprise me that other ladies that I know from the autism community are having some of the same issues.
DeleteI am also finding being present and mindful to be helping. I have accepted that I may never truly like what I see in the mirror, but it doesn't have to consume so much of my life and emotional energy. I just eat well and exercise, like you said and know that I'm doing my best.
Best of luck with you, too and thank you for sharing with me, as well!
I love your spunk. And that pic where you've just come in from the sun with wind-blown hair is awesome. It just exudes warmth, happiness and true natural beauty.
ReplyDeleteWhat Lisa said; you look like a woman who is alive and well, not dying and sick. Sometimes I cant tell which paradigm I'm in....
DeleteThanks for sharing such a personal struggle with us, oxox
Thank you Lisa!
DeleteThank you too, Hannah. I need to keep that in mind. The dying and sick look is not good, no matter what irrational thing I might be thinking in the moment.
I'm so glad you're on the right path. Seems you're getting stronger on every level of your life. You look so beautiful, especially on the last photo! You look really relaxed :)
ReplyDeleteI have been 10 to 20 pounds overweight during the years I was feeling depressed. I used to be a comfort eater... Since I have accepted myself and changed my lifestyle to live according to my own standards I suddenly lost all the weight! Now I am on the same weight as I was when I was 18!
It's so awesome to feel good about yourself inside and out. Once you take back your own power it will stick! Kuddos!
Thank you.
DeleteI'm glad that you are feeling more comfortable with yourself as well. :) Feeling great on the inside often translates to the outside, too!
That was a brave and honest post. I've had some issues with eating, which were very much related to a need to controll rather than body image, but now my anxieties are less and the need to control is less I am finding I still have some some issues with eating. It is all so complicated. I hope I manage to accept myself and stop worrying about things sometime.
ReplyDeleteI get both of those issues. Self image and the need to control. Restricting food is a way to exert control over something when everything else seems to out of control. I hope you do manage to stop worrying, too. You deserve to be happy, too!
DeleteI'm glad to hear you have overcome this problem. Many never do. The media works against women. They actually intentionally create negative body images in girls and women so they can sell them self-redemption products. I think media literacy is really important for girls, women and parents of daughters of any age. Jean Kilbourne is the leading expert on the effects that media has on women. She speaks at college campuses, has several videos (most of them on youtube) and has written a few books on the subject. Her website is jeankilbourne.com in case you are interested.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment and for the info!
DeleteThank you for this post. I've never been in that position - but I have spent my whole life struggling with eating issues. I tend to say I have a "feeding disorder" - I dislike food, and generally eat because I know I have to, not because I want to. That's how MY AS manifests itself. But anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for writing this - it's so important to so many people. :)
ReplyDeleteI think that is where it leads to anorexic thinking in many AS people. Food already doesn't seem as important to many of us as it seems to most NTs that I've noticed. I can enjoy food, but it's not as often or quite the same as I've noticed other do. Like, I don't 'crave' food. There is foods that I like and maybe might be in the mood for, but I have not really ever craved food unless I was pregnant and even then, it was not much. I tend to eat to make hunger pains go away more than for enjoyment. I remember one time hearing my grandmother remark about how much she loves food and how eating is so much fun. So much in fact ,she couldn't offhand think of another activity she enjoyed more. I was just floored at that position. I'd never really knew that others thought about food in that way.
DeleteI've been working hard on losing weight and getting down to a size that I am happy with. Everyone thinks I look good now, but I think I still need to lose more weight. I don't know if I am seeing myself the way everyone else does, but when I look in the mirror I think I need to lose at least another 10 pounds.
ReplyDeleteI think if you have issues with illogical body image, then we have to look to other sources to determine if we should lose weight. That's something that I have so struggled with. I can't look in the mirror and get honest feedback from my own self. You might check your BMI, and with your doctor to determine if losing 10 pounds would be a healthy goal. I also have a scale that tells me my body fat percentage. These things combined are what I try to remember when I'm giving myself a hard time about diet and calories. My thoughts are less logical and relevant than those numbers.
DeleteAre you on a vacation or a business trip? Because none of that matters for motels, as they have everything in a perfect order and if a Motel near garden city like Mt Gravatt motel which has hangouts and in reach and great emphasis is given on attention to detail with state of the art services and nearby hangouts. Then staying at such a comforting motel will make you happy with delightful memories.
ReplyDelete